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communication issues
    #8449860 -

So, he says he gets "panic" issues when I try to talk to him about... well pretty much anything. Whether it be something wonderful and beautiful, or relationship issues that have arisen (imo because of our communication issues) He shuts down, goes silent, often going to bed, and refusing to speak unless I change the subject to something less meaningful. He says it's beyond his control, it is an anxiety issue.

When we first got together, he didn't have this problem, and not only that, he was able to talk about anything, making me feel like I never truly knew anyone else.

Every relationship has it's issues, and fights. I was prepared for that. But how do you get through them when one party refuses to even acknowledge a problem.

If I try to force him to talk, he turns into a monster, calling me names, and saying things I know he doesn't mean. Granted, his silence often offends me to the point that I am pissed, so therefore my "pushing" him to talk is sometimes not so nice. But, even when I am able to retain my patience, even if I am just crying because I feel so alone, he responds with silence.

Sometimes, he says, "I love you" but won't say anything else, sometimes he says nothing at all.

I can't fucking handle it anymore. When he goes silent (sometimes unexpectedly and without warning) I feel out of control. Like he is just being selfish, and doesn't care that it hurts me.

The worst part is, when we fight, he's not silent. He's downright mean. He brings up everything I have ever done wrong as if he wants me to feel worse. If I try starting off communication, by sharing my own feelings, I'll often expose myself to worse attack, if I admit that I have fault in whatever the issue is, then he will throw that at me like a weapon, proving that everything is my fault. When the resolution phase of the argument arrives, he sometimes says he's sorry, and expects that to be enough.

It seems that his silence is some kind of protective measure that has worked for him in the past, but it is not serving a protective purpose in our relationship, and I am sure he can see that it is quite the opposite in this situation. I know it is hard to break learned behaviors but DAMMIT!!

I thought maybe he was just done with me, and didn't want to be the bad guy, letting me break up with him. But, when I tried to leave him he freaked out, crying and shit, but once again refused to talk about what was making me feel the answer was for me to go.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

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Re: communication issues [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #8450235 -

I may be completely wrong, but if you want my honest anonymous opinion:

He is terribly afraid to lose you but he knows he wants things from you that you're not prepared to give him.
Your relationship has come to it's natural end but neither of you is willing to accept this. So you try to talk your way out of breaking up and he tries to avoid straight talking and becoming manipulative to keep something together that only hurts the both of you.

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Re: communication issues [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #8450464 -

bleh. I was afraid of that.

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Re: communication issues [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #8450577 -

Dude needs to grow up a little, alone, imo.

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Re: communication issues [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #8451724 -

Cold hard truth?

Is your relationship over 2 years old?

If it is, then it's done. Over. Kaput.


Relationships gag on cock after 2 years. The honeymoon is over, and what he perceives as whining/nagging is making him have Xanax moments.

If you really care, dump him. Quickly.

He is OFFICIALLY tired of you.

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Re: communication issues [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #8452432 -

Most guys don't want to talk about relationships. Some here can say they do, but that's not been my experience with men. Most guys just want a quiet,sexy and sweet woman who keeps the house clean, cooks meals and gives them sex when they want it, without asking him where he's going when he leaves or expecting him to clean up after himself. I know this sounds jaded but there's some truth to it. The talking and discussions is something they just put up with in order to keep us around.

I think (hope) that not all men are like that, but so far those are the kind I've run across. The pushing him to talk doesn't work because by the time you have goaded him into the conversation you are both upset and you'll never get the real discussion you want and he's trying to avoid.

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Re: communication issues [Re: Anonymous #5]
    #8452563 -

Women have sex to get a relationship.

Men have relationships to get sex.

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Re: communication issues [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #8452941 -

Dry smash his shitbox

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Re: communication issues [Re: Anonymous #6]
    #8453539 -

Your man sounds like one of my friends... has some serious growing up to do.

Fuck, seriously, we are born alone and die alone. Why are people so afraid of just being what they are.... ALONE! You got issues use the only thing that you will ever have to sort them out... that is you, your mind and your body and nothing fuckin' else.

It's just annoying to hear about these stories of these idiots that just can't get their shit together, and have no clue as to who they are because they spend their time blindly looking outwards, whining and crying 75% of that time.

Your man needs to spend time on his own and figure himself out, instead of looking at outside sources like so many people do... shit doesn't work like that and it never will.

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Re: communication issues [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #8454424 -

Anonymous said:
I may be completely wrong, but if you want my honest anonymous opinion:

He is terribly afraid to lose you but he knows he wants things from you that you're not prepared to give him.
Your relationship has come to it's natural end but neither of you is willing to accept this. So you try to talk your way out of breaking up and he tries to avoid straight talking and becoming manipulative to keep something together that only hurts the both of you.


This sounds right on.

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Re: communication issues [Re: Anonymous #8]
    #8457399 -

This sounds like a relationship I had once. She dumped me because I was doing many of the things you said he is doing. But I will say that her breaking up with me over issues like this has caused me to do some growing up myself, but I digress. I think if you break up with him, maybe then it will dawn on him how important you are to him and maybe he will get his act together. Also, things could just be over. But that is just how I see things from my past experiences. It is completely up to the two of you on how your relationship moves on.

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Re: communication issues [Re: Anonymous #9]
    #8459107 -

Could it be possible that I am just pushing too hard? Maybe he wants to talk, but the anxiety he is referring to comes from the perceived pressure to. Furthermore, maybe he wants to talk, but doesn't want me to feel as if he is only doing it because I asked him to, thus removing any sincerity/spontaneity from the action.

Do you think maybe I should cool it for a week, maybe two, and see what happens from there? Then, if there is no improvement from that point, give up? And would a week or two be a realistic time limit on that?

This is stressing me pretty badly, and consuming my daily life and in my mind pretty constantly. I am afraid that if there isn't an improvement soon, I will irrationally do something stupid. Like beat the crap out of him, or something dumb.

By the way, before anyone adds a spiteful comment, I know that I am damaged, I know I may be blowing things out of proportion. I am willing to, and have addressed my faults, and I am constantly struggling to improve my own mental health/relationship issues, and all I really expect is the same in return. Perhaps even some help in recognizing my own issues, without the hurtful intentions which he has addressed them in the recent past.

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Re: communication issues [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #8459832 -

Back a few years ago I also was like how your boyfriend is now acting.

Yea, you could be pushing too hard for a conversation, but based on my experience, when I got like that it was because I was mad at my myself so much I could not do anything but be quiet.

Then I would get mad at her for pushing me to talk and to "grow up". My problem was because I had had some growing up to do, but I just did not see it that way. So when she was telling me to grow up I was getting insulted.

My girl back then even did get so mad to hit me, and tell me to fuck off. Which I took pretty hard at first, and being young and dumb I was feeling quite suicidal. But like I said, I was young and dumb. Problem with most 18 year old's is that they think they think they are more mature than their age. It is not until they are a few years older when they realize they got some learning to do. ( this is not true for everybody, but for the majority )

She had suggested tripping with me one day. Since I normally did it on my own I was nervous doing it with her. I anxiously accepted the offer.

That really did open up allot for us, I was able to talk on my own without being asked to. She was also able to see the flip side of the coin and came to her own realizations too.

That worked for us. 10 years later we are still in love despite that troubling time in our early years.

Basically what the substance did for us was allow us to bring down our defenses enough to actually chat about what was bothering each other, and remind our self's why we were together in the first place. This can be done without tripping but it is how we approached the problem.

Things may get better between you two, and then get worse again. To me it sound's like you guy's are in your younger years, like early twenties. If you are sure you do want to spend the rest of your life together with your guy, are you prepared to deal with occasional depressed states possibly for long periods of time when you are in your thirties with kid's, and the bill's gotta be paid?

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Re: communication issues [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #8460125 -

Anonymous said:
Could it be possible that I am just pushing too hard? Maybe he wants to talk, but the anxiety he is referring to comes from the perceived pressure to. Furthermore, maybe he wants to talk, but doesn't want me to feel as if he is only doing it because I asked him to, thus removing any sincerity/spontaneity from the action.

Do you think maybe I should cool it for a week, maybe two, and see what happens from there? Then, if there is no improvement from that point, give up? And would a week or two be a realistic time limit on that?



If you think you are pushing to hard, do you think you could try approaching the issue from another angle? Try something else to get him to open up? Start with working on something that he might have more interest in than you and try to get him to open up through that.

The time issue is something that could work, but he could also think everything is cool and not worry about it, so don't make the time frame to long.

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Re: communication issues [Re: Anonymous #9]
    #8460834 -

stop being such a nagging cunt. suck his dick make some food and shut the fuck up. no one wants to hear your stupid emotional bullshit

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Re: communication issues [Re: Anonymous #11]
    #8462980 -

What a douchebag. It just so happens that I am orally skilled and suck his dick like you could only imagine. I am sure with your winning attitude you must have a very productive relationship with your right hand.

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Re: communication issues [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #8468042 -

Quote:
The worst part is, when we fight, he's not silent. He's downright mean. He brings up everything I have ever done wrong as if he wants me to feel worse. If I try starting off communication, by sharing my own feelings, I'll often expose myself to worse attack, if I admit that I have fault in whatever the issue is, then he will throw that at me like a weapon, proving that everything is my fault. When the resolution phase of the argument arrives, he sometimes says he's sorry, and expects that to be enough.


There's a word for this: emotional abuse.

Your guy is insecure emotionally and is ABUSING YOU EMOTIONALLY to feel stronger and more in control. DUMP HIM IMMEDIATELY!

I know what you're thinking, that he loves you and he's insecure and in moments of insecurity he says things he doesn't really mean. THIS IS ABUSE. Don't fucking put up with it.

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