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My sobriety super-rant.
    #9636346 -

Hey everyone, haven't posted on here in eons. I desperately needed a place to vent, so I thought this would be a good place. So recently (after an intense experience with Vietnamese pan cyans) I decided to quit all substances that I had been using, which include: opiates, LSD, mushrooms, cigarettes, marijuana, amphetamine, alcohol and cocaine. Mushrooms showed me that I have the potential to do anything and be anything that I want to be in this world and the only thing holding me back is myself. The only substances from the above listed which I am actually addicted to are opiates (3+ years) and cigarettes(2+ years).

I have been clean from opiates now for 3 months and going strong, but certain things in life have been triggering some intense cravings lately (namely getting fired from my shit job at Best Buy). I have now been clean off marijuana and cigarettes for six days and also going strong. I realize getting clean is the easy part but staying clean can prove to be extremely hard, that is why I rely on my willpower and the support and guidance of others such as you guys and gals on this forum.

Since I've been clean I have met this girl who I totally dig right off the bat, which is not commonplace since I tend to look for girls who I feel I can create long lasting, healthy relationships with. My last relationship lasted around 3 years(it was on and off), but ended for good recently around the same time I decided to quit opiates. Since I got laid off I'm not sure that this girl will be that interested in me seeing as I am now broke, however she did express to a mutual friend of ours that she finds me attractive after our initial meeting. I want to know if I even stand a chance at starting something meaningful with this girl, will she care that I'm jobless, that I live with my parents, that I have no money? I feel pretty insecure about my situation, but I have a good feeling about this girl.

I don't really know where I stand also in terms of my sobriety. It seems like since I got clean my life has gotten somewhat shittier, my situation, my cravings, my demons...haunting me for one last fix, but where will that take me? I really want to start a relationship with this girl so that I am less likely to go out and party and use, but what will she think of my vulnerable state of mind as of late? I am really motivated to improve my life and to also help those around me improve theirs, and to share my experience, strength and hope... but right now I feel somewhat hopeless and lost.

To anyone who read this, I sincerely applaud you! Any words of wisdom, advice from fellow addicts, anyone would be greatly appreciated. Any advice as to how to approach this situation with this girl I just met, she seems like she could be the positive motivator in my life that I need right now. I just need some advice from another person's perspective so I can assess and better my situation on this planet and become a stronger and happier individual.

Thank you all so very much!!!!!

Peace. Love. Respect. Unity.


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Edited by IllicitAlchemist (01/19/09 05:27 AM)

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Re: My sobriety super-rant. [Re: IllicitAlchemist]
    #9636424 -

And on top of all that my sleep schedule is pretty messed up, thus my posting at 4:00am. Gonna take some melatonin (I <3 tryptamines) and try and pass out. Hope to hear from you guys later today.

Peace!


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Re: My sobriety super-rant. [Re: IllicitAlchemist]
    #9638358 -

You got this man. One of the personal development lessons that has changed my life is becoming awake to the "voices" that we all hear to one degree or another. When you feel urges or things suggesting to you that you can't do this or that, or that this will fail or whatever, do your best to watch where they want to take you. It's never somewhere good. Then look at yourself. Is that YOU who is saying, "Man, I want a fix right now"??

Why would YOU want a fix? You know that you'll feel bad copping it, doing it, and will feel bad for some time after.

I can't explain it like the great teachers can, but when you have a CLEAR vision of who you REALLY are, there's a lot less riff raff as you become aware and gain possession of yourself.

Best Wishes.


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A society whose whole idea is to eliminate suffering and bring it's members the greatest amount of comfort and pleasure is doomed to be destroyed -Thomas Merton

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Re: My sobriety super-rant. [Re: IllicitAlchemist]
    #9638609 -

As far as the girl and your job/living situation, maybe she will care, maybe she won't. If she's not stuck in her head, she will tend to view your situation in the same way you do. If you think not having a job and living at home makes you a "looser", if you feel that way, she probably will too.

If you can see that it's your fears that will fuck up the way other people perceive you, it makes more sense to deal with the fear first, rather than worry (more fear) and scramble to meet someone else's supposed standards.

Regarding the girl and your vulnerable state of mind, talk to her about it. Let her know what's going on. She'll probably appreciate the honesty, and will probably be very impressed with your effort. If she doesn't, and she's not, could be a sign that you need to find a different girl.

So you talk to her. If she gets weird, or becomes distant, you can either A- think "Doh, I fucked up. Shouldn't have talked about my past. WTF is wrong with me..." or B- think "hmm, maybe she doesn't qualify to be with me." Realistically, the past isn't that important, but when it's still reverberating in your current reality, might be good to share.

Basically, instead of figuring out if you're good enough for her, figure out if she's good enough for you. You're doing all this to improve your life, dealing with the anxiety of not following those desires, fuckin' A that's good stuff. You deserve someone who will be supportive of that, thus increasing your chances of staying clean. I mean, if the girl told you she just got clean, and you like her, wouldn't you be supportive and appreciate the fact that she's willing to share and make herself vulnerable in hopes that you will be understanding and supportive of that noble effort? And if you ran away screaming, she would laugh about it, if she knows what's good for herself.;)


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rahz

comfort pleasure power love     truth awareness peace I am      I feel      I do     I love  I speak    I see    I know

why there is reality and patterned, law-like consistency at all, rather than noise or non-reality is not a question physics answers. It's a question physics presupposes an answer to in order to provide other answers.

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Re: My sobriety super-rant. [Re: Rahz]
    #9640489 -

Wow, thank you guys very much for the responses. Maybe now really isn't the time to be looking for a girl, even though I find this one to be interesting and attractive. I think even though I've made some strides in my life I have a long ways to go before I can become the man who I want to be. I have a lot of fears and demons to cope with and to overcome before I can really start a serious relationship. Maybe this time in my life is for ME(not to sound self-centered), to better myself so that I CAN form healthy and genuine relationships with people in the future. Who knows where this path in life will lead me, but I'm going to continue to stay strong and enjoy this journey while it lasts.

THANKS AND PRAISE.


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Re: My sobriety super-rant. [Re: IllicitAlchemist]
    #9643528 -

I think you're completely right. You know, sobriety is certainly attainable for most anybody who's desperate and willing enough to seek it. It may be simple, whether people want to call it a disease or not is debatable - personally I really don't give a shit either way - but however you look at it, attaining and sustaining sobriety is not by any means 'easy' for most of us.

AA would tell you to not be dating anyone during your early stages in recovery...I have very mixed feelings regarding that particular organization. I would still say that on this one, they've got it right. Just look at it like this, you were doped out for several years, right? So it's probably safe to say that being sober is a rather new and different (to say the least) feeling for you. You should probably be as active as possible, as it eliminates or at least alleviates some of those cravings you mentioned having. Being a recovering addict requires paying attention to your body and your mind, it takes a mighty amount of will power, and it is most certainly a justifiable excuse for you to indulge in ME time...to an extent. I mean shit, what if you and this chick turn out to be a match made in heaven and truly fall in love? It's probably not the likeliest thing anyways but who knows? If that turned out to be the case though I would say fuck AA's "rule" that I mentioned earlier and just go for it.

I wish you well in your recovery...I have taken a couple year long breaks from all forms of inebriation since I began experimenting in high school. I have however, been more or less drunk for what I believe to be the last 6 or so months on end. Every day. It's pretty disgusting. I don't just 'drink' every day, I basically get shitfaced every day.

It's definitely a gross way to live. The problem is that I still have a BLAST every time I get drunk. I become a party animal and I love it. Lately though, over the last few months, it's become much worse. I get kicked out of bars. I lose things like my wallet or my phone, but chiefly my memory, as of recently. I wake up the next morning and scratch my head, befuddled as to how and why my TV remote is burnt, why there's a bruise on my forehead. I woke up today and noticed a black X drawn on my wrist. Apparently I got kicked out of the venue I was at last night. But I don't even remember WHY I was kicked out...nor do I remember getting home.

I laugh and joke about this stuff with my roommates, who are more or less constantly amused by these antics. I laugh because even through all the stress and heartbreak that I've endured in my "short" 25 years, I have a resilient sense of humor. And some of this shit truly is hilarious in a sense; According to one of my roommates, the other night at the bar I apparently was arguing with an older guy about how I had friends that died in Vietnam...I'm only 25! I wasn't even born when that war was happening, obviously. And apparently I was being serious. My roommate explained how this gentleman finally got up from his bar stool, patted me on the back, and said "you need to keep your mouth shut while you still can." The bartender was cracking up at least  :shrug:

All jokes aside though, the truth is that ultimately I'm destroying myself. This course is taking its toll on my body, believe me. I wish I cared a lot more than I do, I don't know, I guess there's just something about this life that I don't take seriously enough. I've lost a fair deal to this nasty habit and it's starting to really piss me off. It just seems so ridiculous that a person would completely brutalize themselves like this. I'm fucking exhausted. I have finally decided to cut alcohol out of my life again...I just went back to school to continue pursuing photography and there's simply no way in hell for me to create worthwhile photographs in this sloppy state I've been in for so long. I am genuinely looking forward to occupying a mind and body that isn't constantly worn out.

Good luck with your new way of life man. Keep it up...you know it's worth it, and you know that the alternative sucks.

And sorry for rambling like that... I haven't logged in or posted in ages.


Peace.


--------------------
"All but one man died. There at Bitter Creek. And they say he ran awayyy." - A little show called Branded

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Re: My sobriety super-rant. [Re: Soularize]
    #9643770 -

You are projecting too much onto the girl.

If you think "SHE" can make you better, than you can make yourself better, because thats how it is anyways. Just remember that + apply it.

Dont set expectations about the girl, see how it goes. I agree, now is a time for you. (im in the same situation.. with personal focus.)

I was severely addicted to Ketamine and totally fucked up my life for nearly 2 years + i've been clean (used drugs 2 or 3 times in the last year) life has been so great.

the best piece of advice i have is:

Rather than retreating from your problems, solve them. Dont escape them.

Get a job, move out, build self esteem, take up a hobby, get healthy, gain certainty and control.

Its very true that your own fear is the problem. Dont think about how she perceives you. Be the best you can be, and dont sell yourself short - if thats not good enough for her (or anyone.) then... too bad. - thats how i live my life, these days.

Hey, good luck - keep us posted.

I've found vigarous(sp?) exercise in the mornings + healthy balanced meals to be the best way to keep a healthy positive attitude in my life.


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GO OUTSIDE.

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Re: My sobriety super-rant. [Re: Soularize]
    #9643773 -

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me soularize. Sounds like your drinking habit is causing you the same problems opiates caused me over the past few years. I have watched my potential, my energy, and numerous other facets of my life be neglected because I was too busy snorting pills. In fact I was so blown on heroin once that I snorted a whole 80 mg oxycontin pill at once thinking it was a vicodin. I could've died that night, but I didn't and because I didn't die during the course of my addiction I think I owe it to myself to live life and to explore and to figure out who I truly am. It seems to me like you are in need of this kind of change as well, I can only wish you the best. Maybe psilocybin can be a tool to help you get that first step into changing your life for good. Who knows? But I wish you luck and good health in whatever you do. Thanks for posting.

Peace.


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Re: My sobriety super-rant. [Re: IllicitAlchemist]
    #9643779 -

PDU- I can't agree more with your advice. I am aside from my addictions quite healthy and I have a lot of interests and hobbys, and I love nature and being outdoors. I think now is a time to reconnect with my passions and find my place in this world. Good luck with your recovery as well!


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Re: My sobriety super-rant. [Re: IllicitAlchemist]
    #9648712 -

my guidance led me to this message when i asked it for help in letting go of my addictions.  i hope you can take something away from it.  btw, don't get hung up on the word 'God', just insert whatever meaning is right for you.
---------------

This is the meaning of “let go.”

When you are having an experience
that is not communicating God,
you are blocking the experience of God
by holding onto your choice
for another experience.

Let go.

Release that which you are believing.
Do not fear that which you are feeling.
Relax into the experience as it is,
and let go.

When you let go fully
and free fall into an experience without fear,
the experience must pass
because you are no longer
holding it in place.

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