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anyone else out there self mutilate or am I alone?
    #8960522 -

Okay, so first off I'd like to say that I'm not crazy. I know I'm not. I'm just your average 24 year old female (mother of two) who started self mutilating when I was 12. It didn't get bad until I was about 14 and at that time I started mutilating to the point of requiring stitches. Since then I have had at least 300 stitches if not more. I stopped self mutilating at the age of 18 when my boyfriend threatened to leave me. I loved him so much that it was enough for me to quit the self abuse. Last week I cut again for the first time in 5 years. I was sooooo STRESSED out and did not know what else to do. I felt so much better afterwards. But this is not something I want to get back into the habit of doing. In my years of growing up and being in so many different psych hospitals I asked the doctors/counselors to start referring to my abuse as an addiction, because that's what it felt like. I could only go so long without cutting myself and then I'd give in to it again. Since it had been so long since I last cut myself I have to admit I did feel a bit ashamed that I had given in to the temptation yet again. I did not cut deep enough to require stitches, but I wish I did. And the fact that my boyfriend didn't get mad at me for doing it makes it even worse because I almost feel as if I did it again (even deeper) that he still would not be mad. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't agree with it and I know he doesn't want me to do it. I just wonder how long I can hold off the temptation before I cut again. I don't even know why I'm posting this. I guess I'm just hoping that there is someone out there who understands where I'm coming from. So many people ask me about my scars and when I tell them what they're from they just nod their heads as if to understand exactly what I'm talking about but inside they know that I know that they don't know shit. There is such a feeling of relaxation, a feeling of being in complete control. When I cut I am completely focused on the cutting, the blood, the wound, and the rest of the world is silent to me. At that moment in time the rest of the world does not exist. My problems, the stress, the anger, the sadness, the pain...everything is gone and I feel such a high. Does anyone else know that feeling? Is there anyone else out there who can relate to me? Am I alone?

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Re: anyone else out there self mutilate or am I alone? [Re: kaylaj]
    #8960566 -

first off, id like to say that youre crazy.

for fucks sake, go see a psychiatrist.  sure, get stressed, cut yourself, totally normal.  :rolleyes:

even if not for you, for your childrens sake, get help.


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Re: anyone else out there self mutilate or am I alone? [Re: kaylaj]
    #8960755 -

I don't know if you're crazy or not, but that is not healthy in any sense of the word.
Have you been searching for some means of... control, that would equal the feeling of cutting yourself? How can you claim to be in control when you're a self-confessed addict to something as grotesque as self-mutilation? There must be something out there that is far less self-defeating than that.
Have you tried seeking out support groups? You're definitely not alone; there must be someone nearby who can relate and help you through this.

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Re: anyone else out there self mutilate or am I alone? [Re: Cameron]
    #8960816 -

i know how you feel when i was younger i used to cut alot. for me it was always all the bullshit that built up inside, it was ether freak out or cut myself. and once you cut its like all the pain hatred and sadness comes pouring out with the blood and you feel so much better.take comfort you are not alone but you need to talk to someone. about whats going on inside, and that sucks too because all they want to do is lock you up and stuff you full off pills to hide the things going on inside. try searching for a counselor you can make a relationship with before you begin to open up.


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On your dead shore
The sand is warm
She hides her tears and quickly lets it die
I will make it through even without you
My sky will be blue
I live tranquilized

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Re: anyone else out there self mutilate or am I alone? [Re: savogeno]
    #8960851 -

pain as a release is a bit fucked but to each his own.

its hard to conceive until you feel the release

good luck

:smile:


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    CrAnKy PiLlOwS YeAh PiLlOwS

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Re: anyone else out there self mutilate or am I alone? [Re: smily]
    #8961112 -

No, I'm not crazy. I'm a good mom and I take care of my kids and my fiance. I just happen to get high when I cut myself. Honestly you probably wouldn't even believe how many people out there cut themselves. Teachers, doctors, students. A lot of the every day people that you pass on the street are self mutilators or have done it at some point in their life. It's the same thing as with drugs. There are so many people that you cross paths with everyday that do drugs. I think people who use drugs are fucken stupid. Why would anyone want to fuck up their body that way. I'm talking about everyday drug users. Not people who smoke pot once a month or go out drinking. I'm talking about the dumbasses who use heroin and shit like that. I guess everyone has their own opinions. I think people who use drugs are crazy. It's not normal. In behavior, normal refers to a lack of significant deviation from the average. With that being said, if enough people in the world used drugs would it be considered normal? If a significant amount of people self mutilate it would be normal, wouldn't it?

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Re: anyone else out there self mutilate or am I alone? [Re: kaylaj]
    #8961205 -

:fishing: Don't mind me. Just fishin'...

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Re: anyone else out there self mutilate or am I alone? *DELETED* [Re: kaylaj]
    #8961206 -

Post deleted by Mufungo

Reason for deletion: .



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Re: anyone else out there self mutilate or am I alone? [Re: Mufungo]
    #8961247 -

Yes, I suppose you are right Mufungo. I guess I'm trying to make myself think that it is okay...and in all reality it's not. I know i need to snap out of it and have seriously been considering finding a counselor to talk to. But seriously though, look up self mutilation on youtube and that right there will give you an idea of how many people do it. Thinking back to when I used to be tied up in it pretty bad it was crazy. I'm glad I've quit (with the exception of that one time).

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Re: anyone else out there self mutilate or am I alone? *DELETED* [Re: kaylaj]
    #8961301 -

Post deleted by Mufungo

Reason for deletion: .



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Re: anyone else out there self mutilate or am I alone? [Re: Mufungo]
    #8961354 -

My ex cut her self all the time before I went out with her. The underlying reason for the cutting was because it was a pain that she could control. There was a void inside of her. An unhappiness. After two years of happiness, the mind set had left her. She is doing great to this day.

I think after hearing her stories, the cutting was due to a rejection or loneliness factor. What event caused you to cut for the first time? What event caused you to get stressed out and do it again?


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Re: anyone else out there self mutilate or am I alone? [Re: kaylaj]
    #8961641 -

I self mutilated myself for years in my early teens.  It's funny that I come across this thread because I have been thinking about my scars allot today.  I was stupid enough to place my cuts in plain view, all over my lower and upper arms, consequently im asked about it frequently.

I never really know what to say when people ask, and im starting to think that’s because I myself don’t understand why I did it.  From what I remember I turned off, and went numb, it was an odd detached feeling, it was as though cutting brought me back to baseline and I could sleep, feel, & eat again, however I was in a very dark place, and lost deep into depression, the memories are fuzy.

It’s been almost ten years since I walked away from the habit, yet my scars don’t look more than a few months old.  A Few years ago I approached a dermatologist about fading the scars, he over looked them fascinated (he was a skin nut) and told me simply, “The skin has a very good memory, this is the best they are ever going to get”.  At that point I gave up, and accepted my scars for what they are.  Today I try not to let my scars define me while simultaneously not having a complex about them.

I don’t try to hide them at all and im sure for some people that translates to me being proud of them.  This leaves me perplexed but I cannot be self conscious about them at this point in my life, which will just lead to more pain.  Uhg…  Although talking about them with strangers does get old awfully fast.

So why am I posting?  I don’t know.  I feel that people like you/me can’t be helped on an online forum; even if I knew you in person I probably still couldn’t help you and would walk away.  When I was cutting, nothing anyone said could help me, change had to come within.  Psychedelics helped me with this a great deal, however I wouldn’t recommend self medicating with them as results could vary widely and possibly exacerbate the situation.

I’ll leave you with this.  I understand how cutting can alleviate almost any emotional discomfort temporarily, and when I say temporarily, im not talking about the additional cutting you will need to do the following day/week when the pain returns.  When I say temporarily I mean that you are exchanging these problems in your current life, for problems many years down the road.  10yrs ago I cut to help with a pain that I can’t hardly remember, what resulted is a lifetime self consciousness, and social awkwardness over how ugly I have made my body.  The mind is engineered to forget experiences of pain, our skin is not.  Just remember, if you cut yourself deep enough to form a recessed or protruding scar, you will be buried with that scar in place, your skin will continue that memory long after your mind is dead.

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Re: anyone else out there self mutilate or am I alone? [Re: kaylaj]
    #8962896 -

I used to do it when I was a teenager, although I wasn't as hooked on it as you. I understand the relief it gives you, however you should understand that you're doing more harm to yourself than good. The physical harm is not as great as the psychological harm you're doing to yourself. Skin can heal, and cutting is probably not as bad for you physically as smoking cigarettes. However, you're forcing yourself to accept autodestruction in a much more direct way than a smoker. You'll be thinking about it for many years, and it won't be worth the energy to mentally deal with your past decisions down the road.

Learn to respect your body like it is the expression of your soul. Your body is sacred. If you don't stop for yourself, at least stop for your children and the others who love you.

You must learn how to cope with hardships in a different way. Although you might not feel sick, you are certainly unwell. We all have different ways of dealing with things but this is not healthy at all, and you understand that intellectually. You just need to learn how to understand it deep inside. A psychologist can help you help yourself. They won't judge you.

I suggest talking about the whole issue with your boyfriend. Tell him, straight out, that you have a problem. He'll help you.


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Formula: 0

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Re: anyone else out there self mutilate or am I alone? [Re: kaylaj]
    #8965461 -

Try smack, its much better :muppet:.


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"I only ever hope to reach equilibrium, in Nature's matrix, in line with the meridian" ~ Jehst

:sun: "...and I know that I have to keep breathing, as tomorrow the sun will rise, who knows what the tide will bring?" :sun:

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