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Craigslist ---> go to erotic services ----> find a hooker who's attractive enough to fuck but has a reasonable price ---> call her up, stick your wee wee in her vag and thrust once or twice until you orgasm. ---> congratulations you are no longer a virgin.
Get a camera and document yourself walking around naked for a few months blabbering nonsense on how you cant get laid then paint your face red and black and huff and puff on the couch in front of the camera then blow your head off because its just not gonna happen for you, but hey at least you'll be famous.