I wrote a poem. Untitled as of yet. Feedback?

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nakors_junk_bag
Lobster Bisque

Registered: 11/23/04
Posts: 2,415
Loc: ethereality
Last seen: 18 years, 4 months

I wrote a poem. Untitled as of yet. Feedback?

#7721610 - 12/05/07 08:02 PM (18 years, 8 months ago)

For a moment it snowed.
Not brisk.

A snowflake here before me.
It meandered down, first to my left.
Then whisking away to my right.
I melted it.

There's another!
Mmmm, it falls beside that kingly oak.
Oh, it falls on the oak.
Look, that oak, it's impervious.
Alas, the snow is not.
It melted.

Godspeed Grey clouds on your errands.

A snowflake, it falls
The scornful sidewalk,
foolish snowflake.

It melted.

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Asshole

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WScott
´ ɑ ｀▽ ᑲᓇᑕ

Registered: 07/31/05
Posts: 5,713
Loc: Nacada
Last seen: 3 years, 4 months

Re: I wrote a poem. Untitled as of yet. Feedback?

[Re: nakors_junk_bag]
#7721646 - 12/05/07 08:09 PM (18 years, 8 months ago)

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Syle
Kenai Sigh

Registered: 10/16/05
Posts: 6,678
Loc: WA
Last seen: 3 years, 5 months

Re: I wrote a poem. Untitled as of yet. Feedback?

[Re: nakors_junk_bag]
#7721662 - 12/05/07 08:12 PM (18 years, 8 months ago)

i liked how it started. i think you should continue with the descriptive feel rather than the repetition of the "it melted" part. it seems kind of cheesy and it seems to be anthropomorphizing the snowflake(s), which is silly.

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https://kenaisigh.bandcamp.com/ <- Just completed the 2021 RPM challenge for February - An EP in one month (5 songs or 20 minutes). Check it out!

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Syle
Kenai Sigh

Registered: 10/16/05
Posts: 6,678
Loc: WA
Last seen: 3 years, 5 months

Re: I wrote a poem. Untitled as of yet. Feedback?

[Re: Syle]
#7721680 - 12/05/07 08:14 PM (18 years, 8 months ago)

Syle said:

i liked how it started. i think you should continue with the descriptive feel rather than the repetition of the "it melted" part. it seems kind of cheesy and it seems to be anthropomorphizing the snowflake(s), which is silly.

a sidenote to the descriptive feel i am talking about. read any of robert frost's stuff. it has the amazing ability to describe a setting using the most simplistic explanations. you seemed to be doing that pretty well at the start, then the repetition/cheesy-ness ruined it for me. just my opinon though.

--------------------
https://kenaisigh.bandcamp.com/ <- Just completed the 2021 RPM challenge for February - An EP in one month (5 songs or 20 minutes). Check it out!

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nakors_junk_bag
Lobster Bisque

Registered: 11/23/04
Posts: 2,415
Loc: ethereality
Last seen: 18 years, 4 months

Re: I wrote a poem. Untitled as of yet. Feedback?

[Re: Syle]
#7721697 - 12/05/07 08:17 PM (18 years, 8 months ago)

turning the snowflakes into people?

Oddly enough, the rough draft foes sorta continue on the descriptive.

The inexorability, it was what emblazoned itself on my mind. Every snowflake I saw fall, melted, no matter where it chose to come to rest. :shrug:

thanks for the feedback.

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Asshole

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Syle
Kenai Sigh

Registered: 10/16/05
Posts: 6,678
Loc: WA
Last seen: 3 years, 5 months

Re: I wrote a poem. Untitled as of yet. Feedback?

[Re: nakors_junk_bag]
#7721755 - 12/05/07 08:28 PM (18 years, 8 months ago)

nakors_junk_bag said:

The inexorability, it was what emblazoned itself on my mind. Every snowflake I saw fall, melted, no matter where it chose to come to rest.

say that. that's awesome. cuts to the root of what you are saying, and says it well.

--------------------
https://kenaisigh.bandcamp.com/ <- Just completed the 2021 RPM challenge for February - An EP in one month (5 songs or 20 minutes). Check it out!

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