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Offline13eetleJuice
the ghost with the most
Male

Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 10/29/04
Posts: 2,253
Loc: 6' under pushin up shroom...
Last seen: 6 years, 5 months
Gimme' some feedback folks
    #3676249 - 01/25/05 07:16 AM (13 years, 4 months ago)

Ok, so I wrote this little poem at about 3:30am this morning and I'd like to get some feedback from you guys as to what you think of it and whether or not you like it. Don't be shy, I am very open to critisism so if you hate it just say so. I'd just like to get your opinion one way or another.

For those of you who may be familiar with the ego-loss or ego-death that is sometimes associated with high doses of psychoactive substances, and the struggle that can sometimes take place as you try to reach that point, I have written a poem of what a trip might be like as viewed through the eyes of the ego.


"In the Eye of the Ego"

Tripping through the days,
my mind, it goes in separate ways.
I try and fight but can't hold on,
out of control, free will is gone.

The madman, he's at the wheel.
Watch yourself, he makes no deal.
Takes what he wants, and more.
I don't know what I'm fighting for.

All is lost, I've given in.
This lunatic takes me for a spin.
Round and round we go, oh what a ride.
I've got to get him back inside,
before he goes and wrecks my mind.
All hope of sanity is left behind.

Don't look, can't see no more,
no memories, what was before.
All are lost, hidden in the haze.
My brainsoup, it's now such a maze.

Which way to go? I must be lost.
I must get back, at any cost,
that which he stole away.
Left me with this, my dismay.

Scrambled eggs, and hard fried brains,
the more I lose, the more he gains.
Endless struggle, no stopping now.
I must return, but don't know how.
He says relax and just let go,
sit right back, enjoy the show!

I'm too tired now, to go on.
Away he flies, to the edge and then beyond.
Peering over what do I see?
A stranger there, looking back at me.

Faint recognition on his face,
something's wrong, seems out of place.
Reflection cast, upon the ground,
wonders here and there abound.

For the first time, I see clearly
that face, that looks back at me.
All imperfections, displayed so plain,
It's me I see and I can't complain.
So afraid I've been, of the unknown.
Now just look, how much I've grown.


--------------------


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Offlinepk3
Stranger
Registered: 01/04/05
Posts: 59
Last seen: 11 years, 5 months
Re: Gimme' some feedback folks [Re: 13eetleJuice]
    #3676558 - 01/25/05 09:45 AM (13 years, 4 months ago)

You have a gift thats for sure. There were a few lines that were a little awkward. Might wanna reread it to yourself and see what you think. Its your work tho so do what you will. But I really enjoyed it.

~pk


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Offlinedrtyfrnk
PresidentialCandidate 2008
Male

Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 01/24/05
Posts: 2,961
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Last seen: 8 years, 7 months
Re: Gimme' some feedback folks [Re: pk3]
    #3676615 - 01/25/05 10:06 AM (13 years, 4 months ago)

I like it man, very nice. Very Melodic and pacing I'd say.


--------------------
It's Krang, Bitch!  :krang:


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Invisiblepinkfloydms
!!!!!
Male

Registered: 05/27/04
Posts: 4,470
Loc: City of Dreams
Re: Gimme' some feedback folks [Re: drtyfrnk]
    #3677133 - 01/25/05 12:00 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

Come up with a corus and we'll make a song out of it!


--------------------
Muppet Said:

so yeah:
- 'sex' five times
- once with a man
- once with a cadaver
- and thrice with actual women(all of which were prostitutes)
Best story ever!

www.panicstream.com :thumbup:


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