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Offlinenakors_junk_bag
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I wrote a poem. Untitled as of yet. Feedback?
    #7721610 - 12/05/07 08:02 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

For a moment it snowed.
Not brisk.

A snowflake here before me.
It meandered down, first to my left.
Then whisking away to my right.
I melted it.

There's another!
Mmmm, it falls beside that kingly oak.
Oh, it falls on the oak.
Look, that oak, it's impervious.
Alas, the snow is not.
It melted.

Godspeed Grey clouds on your errands.

A snowflake, it falls
The scornful sidewalk,
foolish snowflake.

It melted.


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OfflineWScott
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Re: I wrote a poem. Untitled as of yet. Feedback? [Re: nakors_junk_bag]
    #7721646 - 12/05/07 08:09 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

:sad::sad:


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OfflineSyle
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Re: I wrote a poem. Untitled as of yet. Feedback? [Re: nakors_junk_bag]
    #7721662 - 12/05/07 08:12 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

i liked how it started. i think you should continue with the descriptive feel rather than the repetition of the "it melted" part. it seems kind of cheesy and it seems to be anthropomorphizing the snowflake(s), which is silly.


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OfflineSyle
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Re: I wrote a poem. Untitled as of yet. Feedback? [Re: Syle]
    #7721680 - 12/05/07 08:14 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Syle said:
i liked how it started. i think you should continue with the descriptive feel rather than the repetition of the "it melted" part. it seems kind of cheesy and it seems to be anthropomorphizing the snowflake(s), which is silly.




a sidenote to the descriptive feel i am talking about. read any of robert frost's stuff. it has the amazing ability to describe a setting using the most simplistic explanations. you seemed to be doing that pretty well at the start, then the repetition/cheesy-ness ruined it for me. just my opinon though.


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Offlinenakors_junk_bag
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Re: I wrote a poem. Untitled as of yet. Feedback? [Re: Syle]
    #7721697 - 12/05/07 08:17 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

turning the snowflakes into people?

Oddly enough, the rough draft foes sorta  continue on the descriptive.

The inexorability, it was what emblazoned itself on my mind. Every snowflake I saw fall, melted, no matter where it chose to come to rest.  :shrug:

thanks for the feedback.


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OfflineSyle
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Re: I wrote a poem. Untitled as of yet. Feedback? [Re: nakors_junk_bag]
    #7721755 - 12/05/07 08:28 PM (16 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

nakors_junk_bag said:

The inexorability, it was what emblazoned itself on my mind. Every snowflake I saw fall, melted, no matter where it chose to come to rest.





say that. that's awesome. cuts to the root of what you are saying, and says it well.


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https://kenaisigh.bandcamp.com/ <- Just completed the 2021 RPM challenge for February - An EP in one month (5 songs or 20 minutes). Check it out!


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