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some poetry; honest feedback appreciated
    #7152385 -

*both revised

submitting these in poetry class on Wed. they're not finished, but they probably won't be by then. any honest feedback would be appreciated


The Night

Night leads to carelessness
take my dinner, take my rest
I hope for you all the best
but if I walk than I won't stop
the half-moon's full
we are all lost
keep on turning
feeling, burning
fall into one's own flesh
begin to twist to play to stop
head's on loose but the tension's too tight
imagination and paved driveways
bleed sedation and escape
lofty hopes and secret hideaways


[won't you please
sing me a song
stay with me
all nite long
so i don't hurt myself
so i don't hurt anyone else]

*[this part won't be turned in]



Once Upon A Time

looked one way now life has changed
struggle day to day with what they say
can't hold on
can't let go
won't feel peace until nothing's left to know

open your eyes and look outside
admit to what you want to find
mountains to oceans was a hell of a ride
bury me deep beneath the sands of time

rain pours soft and winds blow warm
met you lives before we were born
try so hard never reaching an end
faith was lost long ago

open my eyes and look inside
honesty's hid, hard to come by
anywhere here we'll always sigh
should've been born far from city life


--------------------
channel your inner Larry David

Edited by demius (07/10/07 09:45 PM)

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Re: some poetry; honest feedback appreciated [Re: demiu5]
    #7152891 -

imagination and concrete driveways
bleed sedation and escape
lofty hopes and secret hideaways

Brilliant Assonance/half rhymes here (uber jealous, as I am a Rhymehunter)

fall into one's own flesh: Great Imagery here. I'd like an author;s interpretation;-)

won't you please
sing me a song
stay with me
all nite long
so i don't hurt myself
so i don't hurt anyone else]

This could easily be a chorus to a hit song, provided it has a great melody.

As for the second poem, I think it conveys a more solid, complete emotion than the previous one, however the first one was perhaps more charming because of it's turmoil and slight unpredictability.


mountains to oceans was a hell of a ride: This is my favorite line of the second one.

I think I would like to see the same idea you presented in the second poem in Iambic Pentameter; It maybe would be MORE interesting with very Rigid structure to juxtapose the idea of change/travel you convey here.

All in all, good work!!


--------------------

"I'm looking at you looking at it"

SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL PLEASE! www.youtube.com/apollyphelion



Creator of the World's Worst Comic Book

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Re: some poetry; honest feedback appreciated [Re: Apollyphelion]
    #7153873 -

thanks, that makes me feel a little better about them

what I've been writing in the last week or so is some of the first stuff I've actually liked in a good while


--------------------
channel your inner Larry David

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Re: some poetry; honest feedback appreciated [Re: demiu5]
    #7154116 -

Well keep on writing! I write too, but only on paper right now:-( I will transfer to digital media at some point!


--------------------

"I'm looking at you looking at it"

SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL PLEASE! www.youtube.com/apollyphelion



Creator of the World's Worst Comic Book

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Re: some poetry; honest feedback appreciated [Re: Apollyphelion]
    #7154708 -

Perfect for lyrics!
When I read the 2nd I could HEAR a Hip Hop beat!

I'd give you an A+ (assuming you followed the guidelines lol!)

:smile: ...from a Shroomy-head teacher...MIC


--------------------

My inner child runs with scissors but plays nicely with others!

Sometimes the light's all shine'in on me,
Other times I can barely see.
Lately it occurs to me,
What a looong strange trip it's been! ~ Truck'in

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Re: some poetry; honest feedback appreciated [Re: demiu5]
    #7155776 -

:thumbup:

I hate poetry, but I liked that :yesnod:

Good job avoiding cliches; most poems are infested with them.


--------------------
Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man.  For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire.  Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it.

~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"

:heartpump:

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Re: some poetry; honest feedback appreciated [Re: WhiskeyClone]
    #7158325 -

thanks to both of you

I hope my class receives them as well


I revised heavily on once upon a time, and here are some more I'll be submitting tomorrow:



Hollow

drowning in this smoke-stained life
an environment easily changed
when it's over, I can get away

two and a half years of nothing
feeling, a lack of feeling
how now, do you know what I mean?

sunlight warming, bright and sweet
barefeet walking
bathing naked in river's stream

concious in, passing out
misconceptions preceed bad intentions
mythical rulers right and wrong

but I was wrong



more to come in a little while


--------------------
channel your inner Larry David

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Re: some poetry; honest feedback appreciated [Re: demiu5]
    #7158414 -

Ride

A soft morning's breeze lingers, chilling in the blue half-light of dawn. It's five thirty-seven...why? Why?

Reluctantly clothes are gathered and quickly put on. The first soft dribbles of light won't birth until six o' two...six o' four at the earliest.

Motion, speed...Click...pumping...Click, click. The rush. Click, click, click! Aaaahh, the rush!

Sweat slowly beads but is ignored, diving further into thought, focusing. Heart rate holds steady. Muscles tigthen, relax, tighten, relax.

Soon the senses are heightened; vision crisper, scents stronger.

A bird and squirrel dance above in red maples, bickering like children in the backseat. Curses echo through the canopy. The sun ascends as the moon retreats.

Honeysuckle and clover embrace, filling the air with sweet, gold and red aromas.

In-transit above piles of foreign rock, noises screaming in all directions. Tired, angry impatient humans trapped in boxes pay no attention, mouths curled toward their neglected, covered clean paws.

The rush is long faded. Exhaustion sets in. Mind, a mess; body, panting.

It's seven fifty-two.


--------------------
channel your inner Larry David

Edited by demius (07/10/07 11:28 PM)

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