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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Snypa187]
    #7013414 -

Just a couple of days after the talk too? This isn't good man. The bills thing is bullshit above bullshit. You seem like a real nice guy, but do you ever really lay into her and leave the conversation for a while? I am only mentioning this because I am the kind of guy who can't go to bed angry, and I think my last girlfriend subconsciously took advantage of that.

It wasn't until I really laid the fear of god and reality in to make her see the way I saw things, not necessarily agree 100% with, but at least get where I'm coming from. I had to leave and refuse to come back until we BOTH worked on these issues, and I need to know she's doing her part. What women dont' understand is, we are constantly working on ourselves and we don't expect perfection, just an attempt to better things is enough.

We're still not back together or anything and may never, however we have talked lately and things that I had SO MUCH trouble getting her to understand while we were together, she now gets because she has been doing nothing but thinking about where things went wrong too.

Keep concentrating on school, but this may call for drastic measures. I hate to say it. She should have taken your feelings to heart and stopped going out with this guy. Now, he's paying your bills? It may be time to take some measures. Get yourself hooked up with school and where you can go, but I think you may need to walk out that door and see how she reacts. REALLY dig into her about the boss, because she has it coming.

Good luck.


--------------------
"The Highways of Life are Paved with Flat Squirrels who Couldn't Make Up Their Minds"

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Snypa187]
    #7013417 -

Ahh yes, supermarket is cool from what I remember. Tell him to get his ass in P&S. :thumbup:

She went to a movie with her boss? :what:

I'm sorry, I mean, you know her better than everyone, but I'm going to be completely honest.... it sounds like, if she isn't having an affair with him, she sounds on the brink of it. Obviously he's trying to get with her, considering how much money he's investing into her.

I'm sorry to have to say it, but that's just the way it sounds. I'm sorry, dude. :hug:


--------------------
:redpanda:
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
:heartpump: :bunnyhug: :yinyang:

:yinyang: :levitate: :earth: :levitate: :yinyang:

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: DrCamacho89]
    #7013439 -

Yes, you have a great point. Obviously they have developed some patterns from the day-to-day that simply aren't going to correct themselves if its just day-to-day. If she isn't already hooked up with this guy, there is a great jeopardy there.

Leaving might be called for, I don't know what the most effective act would be since it is not my situation, but something has to be done in order to break the cycle. It has to be dramatic relative to the day-to-day.

Dude, seek supermarket's opinion on it all. I remember him having an awesome perspective on everything. Let us know what he says. :smile:


--------------------
:redpanda:
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
:heartpump: :bunnyhug: :yinyang:

:yinyang: :levitate: :earth: :levitate: :yinyang:

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: SCleROTiUM_LICK]
    #7013464 -

I think you are right, man. The nature of reality is that people cannot have everything. She is going to have to choose, because she cannot have both. I mean, basically snypa is taking care of all her responsibilities so that someone else can have a relationship with her.

I don't think, snypa, that you can do anything but give her the choice. Obviously, at this point, it is either/or. You cannot make the decision for her, and don't fall for the notion that this is all your doing again. There is only 24 hours in a day and attention that she puts towards being with him is attention that is not being given to you.

You are going to have to make her choose, obviously this isn't something that can just keep sliding by like this. Its truly unfortunate that there are children involved, but it isn't right for them to have this situation going on either.

Once again, I'm terribly sorry that you have to be in this situation. :frown:


--------------------
:redpanda:
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
:heartpump: :bunnyhug: :yinyang:

:yinyang: :levitate: :earth: :levitate: :yinyang:

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: fireworks_god]
    #7013516 -

fireworks_god said:
Dude, seek supermarket's opinion on it all. I remember him having an awesome perspective on everything. Let us know what he says. :smile:


Man Dana has been like an undiscovered teacher to me and he doesn't even know it. He is not like most people you will meet in your every day life. He has always radiated this great energy.

I've been wanting to hang out with him for a good while now. I'm just happy he showed up at the right time.
It's crazy because usually Nikki works late on the weekends. Thats the only good time for my friends so I never go out. He was just telling me that he never works on week days so he'd always available to talk/hang out then. Thats fucking awesome!

You guys are so fucking right about this. It has gone way too far.


--------------------

I'm selling all of my growing equipment!!!


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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Snypa187]
    #7013552 -

Quote:
You guys are so fucking right about this. It has gone way too far.


Amen. And please don't be snowballed again. And please don't go cleaning the house and making tacos. You aren't auditioning for man-of-the-year, you're laying down the law and trying to save your marriage. Not by doing whatever it takes, but by doing what is necessary.


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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: SCleROTiUM_LICK]
    #7013618 -

She has been working since ten this morning. She is supposed to be working the rush shift and on a Tuesday, she should have been out of work at least a couple of hours ago. She won't answer her phone. I know that if I blow up at her on the phone she won't come home, if she even plans on coming home that is.

I'm so mad I can't even think logical. I feel like just finding somewhere else to stay for a while and leaving right when she walks in the door.


--------------------

I'm selling all of my growing equipment!!!


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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Snypa187]
    #7013649 -

That might be best. You mean business. You're a bad man. I would start calling around now, buddies and family members etc so you can bolt the second she walks in. She really doesn't need an explanation right away if you think about it. Let her come to her conclusion as to why you're gone.

Every scenario going through your head is what's killing you, get yourself to a place where you can think logically about those things. Cause they will warp all perception I know.


--------------------
"The Highways of Life are Paved with Flat Squirrels who Couldn't Make Up Their Minds"

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: DrCamacho89]
    #7013680 -

DrCamacho89 said:
You mean business.  You're a bad man. 


:grin:


--------------------

I'm selling all of my growing equipment!!!


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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Snypa187]
    #7013682 -

While I realize that you will have to learn whatever you need to learn from this situation, I'd like to share a bit of my hard-earned experience.

I was married for 4 years to someone who acted very much like your wife.  It did not matter whether I was working full-time, working part-time and attending school part-time, running a business from home--I was expected to be fully responsible for our kids and managing our home and finances.  And by "expected" I mean that he refused to participate, so the only one left to take care of these responsibilities was me.

He would frequently "disappear" to drink and play video games at a friend's house, sometimes overnight, and I would have no way to contact him.  When he stayed home, he would play computer games for hours and hours.

We would have arguments, during which he would agree to change, sympathize with my concerns, etc...and I would believe (again) that everything had been resolved & would improve.  Within a very short time, things would be exactly as they had been.

It is possible that you will have a different outcome in your situation, but the fact that she has reverted to her old behavior again immediately after your talk is not a great sign.

If I were you, I would do whatever I had to do in order to become independent both emotionally and financially.  If it is possible for the two of you to come together & have a mutually respectful, intimate, loving relationship--awesome!  You will feel better knowing that you are not dependent upon her for your well-being.  If it is not possible, you will be able to leave & put together an enjoyable life for yourself.

My best to you & your children.  :heart:

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Snypa187]
    #7013687 -

I definitely know what you mean about him radiating that energy, I've felt it in his posts. :smile: Tell him I say what's up, if you would. :headbang:

Maybe you might be able to stay with him for awhile? I know it would be very difficult for you to not be able to stay with your children and to help them out, but they are just as much her responsibility, and it sounds like you have been taking care of her responsibility in that as well.

I mean, I couldn't comfortably propose a course of action for you when it is not my situation, but walking out the door as soon as she walks in it might be a good idea. I do know that you need to do something to break the cycle and demonstrate that, as much as she might like it to be, this whole situation cannot continue indefinitely.

You cannot make her decision for her, but you can certainly make it so that she has to make that choice. Its your right as an individual in the relationship - you can decide that you do not prefer to be in this situation and that she is going to have to decide what is more important for her.

I mean, we cannot choose to have everything. Someone can't work twelve hours and then go out with the boss for hours more and may/may not come home and have a husband and two children. Something will give, and you've already felt all of that stress. It is a stressful situation, for both of you, but both of you are making decisions that are responsible for that, and I just don't think it is you.

Sure, you might have been very persistent in trying to be with her, but what do you expect when you are in a loving relationship and suddenly the other decides that they do not wish to spend time with you anymore and give all of that attention to someone else like that? It may or may not just be friends, but that isn't justification for her behavior.

Last weekend I was fighting with my roommate (my ex). It was following the same pattern that was established throughout our relationship, and it was getting uglier and uglier. I grabbed my keys and hit the interstate. I knew before I left that I wasn't going to drive all the way back to my family (I'm moving back with them in a couple of months) but I knew I couldn't be in that situation and I didn't have anything else to do. I turned around when I was in the next state. :lol:

Break the cycle. What will come will come, but don't stay in this simply because of what should be. Hopefully she will realize who she is and who you are and what you have and share and will realize that it should be you she is going to the bar with and to the movies, and it should be you that she is spending the night with. I sincerely hope that she realizes this and that you have her back.... she can't have both.


--------------------
:redpanda:
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
:heartpump: :bunnyhug: :yinyang:

:yinyang: :levitate: :earth: :levitate: :yinyang:

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: fireworks_god]
    #7013847 -

You've been a rock to your kids though.
I know they've missed their mommy.
Why should you leave them, too?

You may not know how to be a husband (right now),
but you've been a father, all along.
Anchor yourself to that role and take pride in it.

I feel like you have esteem issues and it just
wouldnt be good to "run".
You're not the culprit here.

If you don't know what to say right away, get quiet.
Would it be crazy if she found you sound asleep in bed when she got home? Might be better to lay into her when she is sober, anyway.

Wish I could hang around some more,
but I have GOT to get to bed if some really important stuff is going to happen tomorrow like it is supposed to....

I feel really bad now...
You seem like such a well-meaning kid.


--------------------

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: SCleROTiUM_LICK]
    #7013859 -

Aright man. thanks a lot for your help!


--------------------

I'm selling all of my growing equipment!!!


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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Snypa187]
    #7014356 -

I'm in agreement that it is not appropriate for a married woman to be going to the movies with her boss, meeting him for drinks, spending the night out with him, or having him pay her bills. If she was not married, this kind of behavior would be called "courting". Whether or not that's acceptable behavior within your marriage depends upon your relationship model. It sounds to me as if you don't mind your wife having friends, going out, and blowing off some steam, but you wouldn't put a stamp of approval on an affair.

I'm also in agreement that you should set down some firm boundaries but I recognize that you're between a rock and a hard place too. Truth is, you could leave this woman -- you probably have other places to go and it's possible that it might serve as a wake-up call to her. Tempting as it might be to do that very thing, I also don't know if it could produce difficulties down the road for you. I'm thinking especially in terms of your relationship with your children, I don't know if such an action could be construed as or twisted to be "abandonment". The double whammy is that you've raised the first child as your own but you have only limited legal recourse because you're not his biological father.

You could also insist that she leave. If she does, where is she going to go -- to her mother's? to her girlfriend's? to some little apartment her boss pays for on the sly without his wife's knowledge? You can't take responsibility for your wife's actions but you are responsible for your own. If you're going to ask her to leave don't do so unless you know she's got somewhere to go that you're okay with. Otherwise, you're only setting her up for failure.

If you didn't have children, it might be best for you to move on. Because you do, it might be best if you're able to rebuild the marriage. What it all comes down to is, what do you want?

If you want to attempt to restore the marriage I suggest you visit the site I linked to yesterday. That site was initially created to meet the needs of marriages going through the experience of infidelity. I suggest that you read through some of the articles there to see if they can provide any direction for you. As noted, I don't agree with every concept presented there and you likely won't either but there's also some good info there: marriagebuilders.com.

If you want to leave the marriage (or even if you're only thinking about it) it may be beneficial for you to speak to a lawyer to see what your legal rights are in this situation. This is relevant particularly in regard to your children -- you may have been the stay-at-home dad but she's the mother and courts are still biased towards the mother.

I hope there's something here that helps you out Snypa. It's also nice to know that you've got some good friends around you at this time.


.


--------------------
~ Kindness is cheap.  It's unkindness that always demands the highest price.

Blogs: Spiritual Emergency | Spiritual Recovery | Voices of Recovery | A Jungian Approach to Psychosis

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: spiritualemerg]
    #7014551 -

O man o man o man I didn't think it would go down like this!:borat:

When she drove up tonight, I was in the drive way pacing back and forth thinking of exactly what I was going to say and the tone I was going to say it in. Right when she got out of the car she could see that I was unhappy.
We went inside and she started taking off my clothes. I was still like wtf woman we need to talk!:crankey: After a bit of unwanted oral pleasure well, I started wanting it.:smirk: We had some of the wildest fucking sex we've had in a long time! In the dining room, in the living room and the kitchen. She starts apologizing to me in the middle of it saying that she's been so selfish and that she's been unhappy and been going to Tod to get guidance about it.
Once we were done having sex, I looked her in the eyes and said, "I almost left you tonight".
Man did she blow up! She has this problem where if she's unhappy with something, she'll keep it inside until about 20 more things  come up. Then she just lets it all out at once. She started telling me about all this shit she has been unhappy with all this time and how it's making her not want to come home. She said she's been going out with Tod because 1) he pays for everything and 2) because he's older, he's in a marriage himself, and he has a hell of a lot more experience than we do. I can see her point on that.

I guess to make a long story short, we both agreed that the only way to make a mirage work is to talk about EVERYTHING. If we have a problem, we talk about it to each other immediately. If we need advice on what to do, we go to our friends.


--------------------

I'm selling all of my growing equipment!!!


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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Snypa187]
    #7014693 -

Quote:
I guess to make a long story short, we both agreed that the only way to make a mirage work is to talk about EVERYTHING. If we have a problem, we talk about it to each other immediately. If we need advice on what to do, we go to our friends.


Careful here because you accidentally might have slipped the appropriate word: mirage
Are you sure that what you have is a real marriage or is just a mirage?
I know it is just a spelling error but it's an important one. Think about it.
I am really really sorry for what it's happening to you, but it seems like she's using sex to shut your mouth. This is not good. She can't just hurt you, use you, go out with her boss and then pretend that every thing's OK. Obviously everything is not ok.
Tell me now, what kind of man might her boss be to accept to pay to pay her (and your) bills, take her out without expecting nothing in return? And how naive mush your wife be in order to believe that he just wants to help? Or that she can fool him?
I know that you love her. Or maybe you are just fixated on her since usually love fades away after all she did to you, and some times these two feelings can be easily confounded. And I know you really want to make this work. Reason why you want to believe her. But remember that it it isn't all fun and games. Remember that it's a bit probability that she will keep on going out with her boss, that she won't answer you the phone and that you'll be staying home feeling bad. And that after all that she will try to tell you that thing will change.
I don't wanna disappoint you but this all sounds so familiar. When things keep happening like that in a relationship, chances are they they will keep on happening.
Now I don't know your wife and maybe she doesn't have a relationship with boss (or at least not yet). But I'm going to be honest with you and tell you what I think. And I think this is bull shit. She incontestably knows that her boss has some intentions and if she wouldn't agree with them then she would refuse to go out with him, she would refuse to have him paying her bills. This is real life. And this is how things are. And at the risk of hurting you by hurting you, I'm telling you that somethings wrong. And that you should take a break and analyze this with your analytic mind...
Try to see your entire story like it's not your own. Create a new person for your story and then think about what advices you would give him. Would you still consider that everything will go right? Would you still think that everything will change?
Your life, your feelings and your own mental health are important too. How do you expect to remain mentally sane when things like these will keep happening? I hope they won't but considering all that's happened until now, the odds are it will happen again.
You're 23, do you really want your life to be so stressing and full of worries? Sometimes, if something doesn't work no matter what you do, maybe it's for the best to stop trying and get to something new.
Again, I am not telling you what to do or what's best to do because you're the only one who can determine what's right for you as well as what is it that you want/need at the moment. Maybe you still need to be in this situation until you make up your own mind about what's next for you. I am just trying to let you know what's my view regarding your situation.
I hope things turn out right for you and I wish you to make the best decision for both you and your wife. :heart:


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Snypa187]
    #7014963 -

But you're a bad man!!! you even laughed at it with understanding. What happened? She is using sex as a weapon now? Imagine if you would have shot her down when she started doing that? The power of that action to show you're not putting up with this nonsense!

Alright, it's over, but this is the second big talk in a week where you were furious before and somehow she managed to pacify you. I really don't want to disappoint you here, and my advice after the first talk was nothing but positive-stay-together kind of advice but I was indeed calling it like I saw it. Now, I'm seeing much more from what you said has happened these past 2 days.

This woman (like all women) is a master manipulater, it's really in their genes whether they use their power for good or evil is up to them. She is manipulating you to get what she wants, and she is manipulating her boss to get what she wants. Have you ever met this guy? What is her answer to why she doesn't answer the phone? She's unhappy? She needs to get "guidance" from Tod and his advice to her is not answer the phone when your husband calls? Sorry, her answers hold no water and you're trying to rationalize them.

I know you have history, you love her, you have a deep understanding of each other, and so on. But picture her as just a good friend for a moment... have any of your good friends ever done something so stupid that you got pissed as all hell at him and punched him, or said something where you just didn't even bother calling him for a few months because he was a cocksucker and you wanted nothing to do with him if he's going to act like that? Well, if not, then you're not as good of a friend as you think. Because people are people and fuck up and sometimes need tough love to straighten them out. Your wife NEEDS to wake up and face reality.

I hate that you're going through this man, and I don't like giving negative advice, but I really think this situation calls for drastic measures. The fact that she immediately resorted to sex to "make you happy" would not be a turn on for me, it would make me puke. If she wants to wait until after the argument to relieve stress, fine, but seeing that you're unhappy and feeling a blowjob will calm you down is manipulative, childish bullshit. This girl may have 2 kids, but she has A LOT of growing up to do. You can't make her grow up. Only, she can. You don't need to stay up any more nights like you did last night. You have kids to wake up in the morning, school to concentrate on tomorrow, her actions have more consequences than she realizes and YOU are the one paying the price. MAKE HER REALIZE. Walk out the door.


--------------------
"The Highways of Life are Paved with Flat Squirrels who Couldn't Make Up Their Minds"

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Snypa187]
    #7014993 -

Sounds kind of like you're okay with her seeing him again
and all I can do is shake my head.

Spouses that are suddenly frisky is a big warning flag of an outside affair. This man has awakened something inside her sexually, or promises too. She was fucking you, but in her head she was fucking him. Best case scenario, constantly being around him perhaps frustrates her, so that when she got to you she can't contain herself.

Quote:
2) because he's older, he's in a marriage himself, and he has a hell of a lot more experience than we do. I can see her point on that

.

You two as a couple meeting him and his wife would be one thing, but that's not what is going on here. Besides he's an alcoholic... not exactly the role model your 21 yr old wife needs.

I'm glad you had great sex- but how do you know she wasn't trying out something that she learned from him?

This incident could be a boost for your young marriage if you work through it intelligently, but you HAVE to cut it off before it goes past the point of no return (as determined by YOU). If you want an open marriage, hey- that's your call.


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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: DrCamacho89]
    #7015030 -

Damn, maybe I'm just blinding myself to the truth but I don't think walking out on her would be the best idea right now.

We made a deal so tell me what you think about it.

She's been unhappy with my work ethic and it goes back about two years. It's been bothering her so much that she doesn't want to come home because she's been afraid of the conversation last night. She thought it would get so out of hand that it would wind up with one of us gone.

It did get a bit out of hand but it was easily controlled. She told me a lot of things that she should have told me a long time ago. She just lets everything build up until she explodes.

I told her how I feel about Tod taking her out all the time and now even paying our bills. Her not calling me to let me know she's going out, not ever knowing when she's coming home, driving drunk all the time, spending a hell of alot more time with her boss than me. I told her that I trust her but the facts are starting to look like an affair. I told her that I want to be able to provide for her; take her out, buy her things, pay the bills.

Our deal was that if she will spend a lot more time with me and the kids, be there, talk to me when there is a problem, and have a date night with me once a week, then I will bust my ass like she does at work and start working again. My job can pay way more than hers if I would just work. Ever since we started having problems I quit. I got too stressed out and couldn't balance our marital problems, work, the kids, and the house.


--------------------

I'm selling all of my growing equipment!!!


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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Snypa187]
    #7015035 -

Yeah start working again man. She needs to stop dealing with her boss but in a strictly work setting.


--------------------
:redpanda:
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
:heartpump: :bunnyhug: :yinyang:

:yinyang: :levitate: :earth: :levitate: :yinyang:

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