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The not so fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids)
    #6992108 -

I've hit a rough point in my life. I'm not sure where I will go from here. I have so much on my mind lately. I need to talk to someone about it but I'm not sure who.
_____________________________________________________________________
This part is just history and is relatively unimportant.


One night about six years ago, my best friend and I were walking around the neighborhood drunk, and looking for "pussy". He took me to this girl's house that we went to school with. She rode my bus but I had never spoken to here before.

I had always been a bit shy when it came to talking to girls that I didn't know but for some reason, she was different. I felt so comfortable with her. She just seemed like such a cool chick. My friend and I ended up standing outside of her window talking to her all night.
On the way home I said to my friend, "I'm going to be with that girl one day".

We started dating for a couple of years and then kind of went off and on for a few more. We each took the time to see what else was out there but we always came back to each other.
About three years ago, I gave her a call to see how she was doing. I missed her and had decided that she is the one I'm meant to be with.
She told me that she was pregnant from a one night stand. For some reason it didn't phase me. Once she had the baby I started changing his diapers and making a bottle every once in a while.

About a month after he was born, my parents moved out to Seattle. Instead of moving 3,000 miles away, I chose to move in with her at her mom's house. I started taking care of her son as my own.

I'm sure some of you know already, but taking care of kids, working a part time job, going to school, and keeping up with a healthy relationship is hard work.

After one quarter of going to college, I made a huge sacrifice. Nikki had to quit her last year of high school because of the pregnancy and wanted to graduate. I didn't enroll in school so she could graduate while I took care of Josh.

Since then, we have moved out of her mom's house and into our own. (The house she was living in when I knocked on her window many years ago) We had a baby together last November and got married this past January.
Our oldest son is just about to turn 3 and the other is 6 months old.


_____________________________________________________________________


Right now my wife is in intense training to be the store manager of her own Domino's Pizza. She works just about every day of the week and is called in on her days off. Her job is so demanding that it leaves me to take care of the kids full time, alone.

I wake up with them, change diapers all day, change clothes, read books, teach them, potty train, give baths, make sure their fed and cook an awesome meal waiting for my wife to get home. While doing all of this I am also the one to make sure the house is spotless (kids can tear a house up in less than an hour). I do the whole families laundry, folding and putting away, trash, yard, all that shit. I seriously feel like a single parent. Oh I didn't mention I'm expected to sell health insurance from home as a source of income. There is a shit load of money in it but I haven't been working for more than a week now because everything is getting to be too much.

I wish I could go out and get a job. Even if I do work from home, I don't get that feeling of achievement. No day is a good day at work. As a husband, I want to walk in the door every night with my arms above my head and yell at the top of my lungs, "I SHALL PROVIDE!!!".
Instead, I get a feeling of emptiness and being lost at sea and away from the outside world. As if I'm not a good husband because I don't provide (in that particular way)

My wife has recently turned 21 and is starting to enjoy going out to the bar about 3 times a week now. I've tried explaining to her that as much time as I spend with the kids and taking care of the house, I need a break. I need some time alone. I can't even take a shit by myself these days. (My 3 year old is sitting by me as I'm typing playing with his toys.) We also need to spend more time together to stay on the same level. It's just part of a healthy relationship.

Her take on it is that all the time she was pregnant she couldn't drink and have fun. This excuse somehow gives her the rite to avoid her family. It's like I'm already at home so she doesn't need a babysitter to go out. There have been a few times where I'm sitting at home expecting her to get off anytime when I get a call "I'm at the bar and I'm getting drunk".


I don't know what to do. I'm fucking going crazy. I give 1000 percent in this relationship. I try to be the best dad and husband that I can be and get nothing but a feeling of being alone. I am very understanding that her job is demanding. It's a career so it's worth it in the long run but to spend that much extra time away at a bar instead of spending time with me and the kids is just fucking ridiculous and selfish. If our oldest son wouldn't have woken up in the middle of the night, she wouldn't have seen him at all the other day.

I tried to talk to her today before she went to work but she was too into her fucking t.v. show to even pay any attention. I'm starting to get the feeling it's about time to cut my losses and just leave. Then maybe she would appreciate the things that I do and just maybe, want to spend some fucking time with me and the kids!

I used to do alot of drugs to make my pain go away. I recently started smoking pot at night. The other night I smoked two or three bowls and drank a six pack by myself, waiting for my wife to get home from the bar. (and I am not a drinker.) I now realize why. I felt like I had no one to reach out to, no one to listen, and no one who would understand. Getting fucked up would somehow fix it for the time being.

I have decided to start looking into going to school again. My biggest goal is to have a career that I enjoy while bringing in enough money to provide for my family. Part of that same goal is to be the best dad and husband that anyone could ever ask for.

I need to let go. Be an individual. Focus on my kids and their future. I need to teach them to become the best dads and husbands they can be. No matter what happens with my marriage, I will always be there for them. They are my world.

About five years ago I started consuming psychedelic mushrooms. I used to have a tradition that about once, maybe twice a year, I would spend the whole day alone up in the mountains and do nothing but think. I would plan my future and analyze my daily life to make sure I was headed in the right direction. I haven't had a good trip like that in about 2 years. I genuinely crave another.

I'm not sure where my life is headed at this point. All I know is that it's decision time...


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I'm selling all of my growing equipment!!!


Edited by Snypa187 (06/06/07 04:42 PM)

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Snypa187]
    #6992189 -

thats rough man.

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Tangerines]
    #6992206 -

Agreed with the above poster.

I'm not sure if this could happen, but maybe a role reversal could help her see that your job isn't any easier?

That's about all I can think of really.

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) *DELETED* [Re: zootroid]
    #6992304 -

Post deleted by Nobody Special

Reason for deletion: none


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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Nobody Special]
    #6992666 -

I've come to the realization that she just isn't ready to be married. I don't think it has anything to do with me at all.

I got my years of partying out of the way a long time ago. I am fully ready to be a real man.

She, on the other hand, is still interested in spending countless hours at a bar as often as her work schedule will allow her. This is not a great feature of a caring, loving wife.

Her mom told her that she is acting exactly like her dad did in their marriage. For some reason she kept him around for 10 years. I'm only like 5 months into mine and I've already just about had it.

I just woke up from a short nap and I feel at peace right now. I know where I want to go in life, but I think their is only room for me and the kids...


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I'm selling all of my growing equipment!!!


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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Snypa187]
    #6992738 -

That's a sad realization.  Maybe a serious reality check will help her snap out of this?  Or maybe you're right and she's just not ready to be married.

The thing is, you would have a very hard time getting custody of those boys.  For one, the older one isn't yours, and 2, the courts almost always side with the mother in these cases, especially if she is working and has a way to provide for them.  I'm not saying that's fair, but if she fought you for custody, she would likely win it. 

Maybe it's time to have a serious chat with her.  If she's watching TV, unplug it.  Tell her that while you respect that she works hard, so do you, and you refuse to be the one to do 99% while she does 1%.  Going to the bar all the time, with a husband and 2 sons at home is unacceptable, when you're home all day with them.  That's simply not fair, and the children are her responsibility, too.  You're doing the right thing by stepping up and picking up her slack - but the thing is, you're not doing yourself any favors by doing it, because it's letting her off the hook.  With kids involved though, it's not like you have a choice - you HAVE to step up if she doesn't, or your kids won't be adequately cared for, and that's not an option. 

I know how hard it is - I was a nanny for a while, and it's tough, tough work.  She should be in this with you, and if she isn't, she either needs to wake up and get her shit together, and start meeting your halfway, or you need to find a way to end things. 


Good luck, and much respect to you for looking out for your sons.  :heart:


--------------------
Remember, remember the fifth of November
The gunpowder treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.


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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Liz]
    #6995407 -

This is a pretty common outcome of having kids and getting married when you're way too young. She never had her chance to just enjoy her youth, party and experiment and now she has responsibilities and are beyond her capacity to deal with. I can't really advise any specific course of action, except perhaps having a heart to heart, avoiding any blaming or yelling, and just listening to where one another are at.

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Snypa187]
    #6995481 -

dont have time to read the replies to this thread but..

my advice would be to tell her that you made sacrifices so she could graduate from highschool, now its her turn to make sacrifices so you could go to college and wach the kids more..

drinkin and drugs imo is not a wise way to deal with your problems man. sounds like you're both doing them to relax/escape and thats a dangerous mix if say she comes home one night drunk, and you're drunk and pissed off, and the kids get to hear an hour long shouting match because of it.

those children arent to blame that you two are having problems... and those activities can indirectly affect them... please consider that before you or your wife do either again.

go back to school :smile: you're still young... do it now


--------------------
notapillow said: "you are going about this endeavor all wrong. clear your mind of useless fear and concern. buy the ticket, take the ride, and all that.... "

ChrisWho said: "It's all about the journey, not the destination."

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #6995492 -

NiamhNyx said:
This is a pretty common outcome of having kids and getting married when you're way too young. She never had her chance to just enjoy her youth, party and experiment and now she has responsibilities and are beyond her capacity to deal with. I can't really advise any specific course of action, except perhaps having a heart to heart, avoiding any blaming or yelling, and just listening to where one another are at.


Well put.


--------------------
Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man.  For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire.  Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it.

~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"

:heartpump:

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Snypa187]
    #6995632 -

Here's some advice that you won't take most likely. Not until you've suffered a lot more and shoulded all over yourself for years and years. Most likely until there's nothing left but suffering.

Sorry but that's how this looks. And it's an old story too.

GET DIVORCED AND MOVE OUT. You still have an obligation to the children and I suggest you meet it. The rest of your life is your own.

Best of luck to you.:heart::mushroom2:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Icelander]
    #6995736 -

Thanks guys for the advise.

I'm still in the mind set of giving her a million and one chances to be the wife I always thought she would be. I really love her. Even if things go sour, at least I can say I tried till the end.

Right now I'm baking a cake so my 3 year old and I can decorate it for her later. I'll post a picture this evening. :grin:


--------------------

I'm selling all of my growing equipment!!!


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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Snypa187]
    #6995987 -

at least I can say I tried till the end.


That's usually how it goes.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Snypa187]
    #6997911 -

I fucked up and got married 3 years ago as well, I'm just about to file for a divorce and (more than likely) lose custody of the love of my life; my daughter. If you ever want to chat, PM me. They are definitely rough times but eventually things will get better one way or the other. Just gotta take things one step at a time no matter what path you choose, whether it be divorce or making things work out between you two.


--------------------
:super:D
Manoa said:
I need to stop spending all my money on plants and take up a cheaper hobby, like heroin. :lol:

Looking for Rauhocereus riosaniensis seeds or live specimen(s), :pm: me if you have any for trade

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: SuperD]
    #6998016 -

you already know this from reading your posts, but always remember to keep the kids as the top priority. 

Now, I've never been married, or had a kid, but I do have divorced parents, and a dad that lives in another state, so I am no expert, but here's my worthless 2 cents:

Your wife just sounds immature, she is the one that was irresponsible enough to get pregnant (speaking about the one night stand), so she shouldn't be telling you about having to have the baby taking away from her fun time.  She couldn't handle the fun time before the baby enough to not get pregnant in high school? 

Sorry if that's harsh, but she should really think about your kids :frown:

*This may make me sound gay, but I was watching "The Real Housewives" on Bravo, and slate and jo had the same problem.  Your story also reminds me of a book I just read called Little Children.

Anyway, I hope everything works out for you, and your wife comes to her senses.

*I'd say weed is fine, but I don't think you should take up drinking in this situation; it has future alcoholic written all over it and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.


--------------------

Your Old Man's Trade List
My Checklist

Edited by AgingHippy (06/02/07 12:04 AM)

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: AgingHippy]
    #6998122 -

I am so beyond mad at her right now.

I spent all fucking day making her a cake. She said she wanted to drink with me when she gets off work.
Around 8:00 I came out to the garage to find a voice mail from her saying that she's going out to the bar with her boss.
So, we text back and forth while she's there. Everything seems nice. She wasn't planning on being out all night. She even said she wanted to have sex when she gets home.:thumbup:

I've been calling her 5 times in the past hour wondering where she is. It's already 2:30. She finally answers and says she's still st the bar but she's in the bathroom throwing up. She immediately wants to get off the phone. I say, "I've been sitting at home with the kids baking her a fucking cake all day and all I get is a sloppy ass wife that stays out at the bar all night". The only things she said after that was, "thats what you get", and hung up.
WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:crankey:


I'm so mad right now I don't know what to do. I sure as hell can't sleep. And I know it will be useless talking to her if she even comes home.


--------------------

I'm selling all of my growing equipment!!!


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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Snypa187]
    #6998184 -

trying to turn it on you? sounds like a woman


--------------------

Your Old Man's Trade List
My Checklist

Edited by AgingHippy (06/02/07 12:44 AM)

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: AgingHippy]
    #6998233 -

She does sound like trying to turn something on me. I'm sure many women are this way but if I ever bring up a point like this, she always brings up all kinds of random shit just so she'll win the argument. :tinfoil:

Fuck I really don't know what I'm going to do about this. One minute I'll be so happy and love her to death, the next minute I'm thinking about devoicing her ass!

I guess I should ride it out for a while and see what happens. :shrug:


--------------------

I'm selling all of my growing equipment!!!


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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Snypa187]
    #6998242 -

I think going to a marriage councilor would be a good first step.


--------------------

Your Old Man's Trade List
My Checklist

Edited by AgingHippy (06/02/07 01:00 AM)

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: AgingHippy]
    #6998247 -

Shit, I'd be all for it. I'm going to look into that.


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I'm selling all of my growing equipment!!!


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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Snypa187]
    #6998263 -

Don't you sometimes feel like you wish there was a third party watching you during an argument just to let you know that you aren't crazy? Someone that she would listen to that could convey your views to her? Well that's the marriage councilor I guess...


--------------------

Your Old Man's Trade List
My Checklist

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