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ethical quandry!
    #6794903 -

OK, so my roomate is subletting her room for May/June to go travelling and there are two potential takers. Person A is a friend of mine who doesn't *need* a place, but whom I really like. I may move in late summer with him and our other friend who's going tree planting for the next 2 months. Giving the room to him would give me the chance to see what it's like to live with him, before deciding conclusively to give up my current house (which is huge, cheap and has a lot of other good qualities). It would also make it easier for us to look for a new place if he was close by instead of out in the suburbs. It would also be good for my mental health because it would feel like I'm moving towards clarity in what I need as far as housing goes. This has been an ingoing issue I've been struggling with for a few months now.

The other person is a friend that we all like, but who no no one is particularly thrilled to live with. One roomate would have to assert personal boundaries if he took the room, which could be a positive (yet stressful) thing, according to her. The thing is, he actually really needs a place and is having a hell of a time finding one. If he doesn't find one for the 1st, he has no place to go. We're having a bit of an ethical quandry here. I would prefer person A for many reasons, but I also would feel ethically shitty to deprive person B of a home (however temporary) when we have the power to help him out. We've agreed to wait for a few days before deciding who to give it to. What do you guys think?

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Re: ethical quandry! [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #6794946 -

I've been going through a similar situation like your a few months ago.
I had a friend who really needed a place to stay because he switched towns and basically he didn't know anybody.
Now I knew him for a long time and we were getting along well but I always had the sensation that I could never live with him in the same house.
But since he was in need and I really felt bad if I didn't help I said what the hell, I can't just let him out on the streets or something.

So he came to live with me and in the beginning was a little annoying and I said... well it's accommodation time and it will turn out for the better in time.
Boy... I was wrong.
After about a month it was hell (at least I thought I reached hell but there was more to come).
He became very annoying, when I had friends over he was interrupting all the discussions because he felt "left out", he did stupid & annoying remarks and left his stuff all over the house.

Then I thought about telling him to start cleaning too because that was the place he lived and it was a thing he had to do.
And he did. For a few days.
Then back to the same old shit & then it got worse.
He started to "smell" too... as in didn't take showers I guess... because my entire house has this unbearable odor. And it had definitely coming from him.

At that time I was seriously disturbed and didn't know what to do because with the job he had at that time he could barely support himself and I was thinking that I would feel like a scum bag if I just kicked him out.

All in all, I finally decided to tell him to leave because I reached the point where I couldn't stand the idea on living in that house.

And it was one of the best things I did... and he found a place to live pretty soon.

Now IDK about what you'll decide, but if you already feel like you won't be able to live with him, then the chances are that he will become more & more annoying.
I know it might be a great gesture to help someone in need, but after my personal hell through a similar experience, all I can tell you is that the first person you have to look out for is yourself.
Mental peace is indeed the most important thing in our lives. :thumbup:


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:

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Re: ethical quandry! [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #6795020 -

The thing is, it's just a sublet. It's definitly limited to 2 months so there isn't the risk of long term problems. If we were looking for a permanent roomate it would be easier: go for the one you really want to live with. But since it's not, the 2 months might just help him out. Or not, chances are that in 2 months he's gonna go through the exact same pattern of looking for a new place and having a hard time, and that living here for 2 months would just give him a brief break. He really needs to find a more permanent place than our house, so it's not really ideal for him either, but it would probably provide him with some amount of relief and more time before having to look again. The sublet is an ideal situation for person A. And person A is ideal for the needs of the current residents of the house. God, this is a tough one. I hope person B just finds a place in the next few days so we don't have to worry about it. Either that, or I wish I could just not have ethics at all, and not feel obligated to anyone. Of course, that kind of attitude makes for really shitty societies...

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Re: ethical quandry! [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #6795607 -

i'd let in the person who needs a room. mostly because its only temporary, and if you have some problems with giving this person a home, just tell the person. i strongly doubt that he is going to have a problem with you setting some ground rules before you give him a place to stay.

if this person has some niceness in him, he shouldnt mind, especially since your taking him in.

just talk to him about it. theres nothing worse than knowing your not going to be able to do something/stay somewhere because some one has an opinion about you and isnt upfront about, it therefore not giving you the chance to work it out.

give the guy a chance, your other friend should understand. its not for too long a time either.


--------------------


Anyone need a glass pipe? : http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002435158931

Love powerfully :peace::heart::peace:

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Re: ethical quandry! [Re: Drewwyann]
    #6796985 -

I'm torn between my own personal needs and wants and my sense of empathy/ethics. I feel obligated to help this guy out, especially considering I do actually like him, but the thought of missing out on the more preferred situation is really depressing. I'm also worried that I'm just going to feel really resentful. I've already been really frustrated with my house lately, which is why I'm considering moving with person A and our other friend... Living with people I feel good about living with is of vital importance for my mental health and I'm afraid of spending the next couple months dealing with anger and resentment for not having that. I haven't been getting what I need out of my living situation, and this decision feels like a make or break move towards resolving it, or not. Or I might just be exaggerating things in my mind. Maybe person B will move in, and I'll still move out with my friends at the end of summer and it'll be fine. But maybe I'll move with them, lose this house and realize they weren't that great to live with and be resentful that I didn't learn that earlier (by person A taking the sublet...) Or maybe I should stop poring over the possibilities and just calm down. Maybe it's not a big deal at all.

Basically I feel like I have to weigh the importance of my own needs against his. His needs are more immediate with more material consequences. Mine are more emotional and to do with feeling like I'm moving towards a healthier/more satisfying living situation. My home is very important to me, and having a satisfying one is the basis of my satisfaction with life in general. I don't at all appreciate having the responsibility of deciding whether or not someone has a home.

One friend suggested giving the room to person A, and offering person B help with looking for a place, as well as a week or two in our spare room until he finds something else. That seems reasonable. But I'm also afraid of really hurting his feelings, his self esteem is getting effected by having others picked over him for available rooms....Ugh. But then he'd also know that he was given the room out of a sense of obligation, which probably wouldn't do much for his self esteem either. Are my needs and desires really selfish?

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Re: ethical quandry! [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #6798577 -

I don't think you're being selfish, you just take all the things to consideration which is a good thing.
Now you're saying that you were thinking about moving in with person A and another friend of yours later this year.
From what I understand, person A has a place to live for the moment.Why don't you just come open both to person A and person B and tell them that you feel like you need a test time to see how things go between you and person A and he's the one who should move in with you starting from now, and that person B could stay (if this is possible) in the place person A lives right now?
He's not going to need it anyways since he'll be living with you, and in the way person B will also have a place to live...


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:

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Re: ethical quandry! [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #6799192 -

Person A lives with his parents right now, so that isn't wouldn't work unfortunately. My mom thinks we should let person A move in but let person B stay in our extra room downstairs for free (for a month?) while he looks for another place. I gotta get this dealt with, it's all I can think about.

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Re: ethical quandry! [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #6799968 -

Well I think your mom is right.
That way you help person B and also test the grounds with person A.
Until now, it seems like the most viable option.


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:

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