The title of this post is the first original, confident thing I've done in the past week. Lately I've been focusing my attention on this girl, she's... i dont know what to call her. my first instict was to say shes amazingly beautiful, she lights up a room. her favorite color is yellow! oh my god shes awesome. But look at what im doing! im putting her on a pedestal. i feel like shes out of my league. who am i compared to her? nothing. thats what i've become, nothing. ive tried to stop smoking weed but why? i love it, its a great habit, and she does it too. I think the real problem is smoking in school. the first week of senior year a good friend of mine and her smoked durring a free period and ive felt like i should make it a habit of smoking every wednesday after school. i guess this should stop. its really not good for anything and it just wastes weed. drugs in school = bad. now back to the girl. well. i feel like some sort of weight is lifted off me. i guess now that i realized that its back. ive also been getting mad for no reason at people. is this my personality? what is a personality! so back to the girl. i cant really... is it too late for me and her? its really only the 4th week of school, theres so much more time. but at the rate im going what can happen? i need to stop asking questions. its not helping anything and its just an excuse to go on with talking. ive had no real emotions lately. at school 2 weeks ago i had some sort of emotional breakdown durring religion class (private school) when i started to talk about why i dont think miracles are real. i started off saying "how can you believe in miracles when there are so many things in this world which are just complete opposites of miracles!" i started thinking of examples in my head like 9/11 and i figured i should put some emotion into what im saying because of other's beliefs about "foolishness" and i just snapped. i almost started to cry, i closed my notebook, stopped midsentace and said "im sorry" and put my head on my desk. "what was this?" is the question that ran through my mind. it scared me. ive been ignoring the possibility of a religious awakening or some such thing. ive always considered myself to be an intellectual person. i was amazed at the fact that the girl's favorite color was yellow. utterly amazed. so in class when i stopped i looked right at the teacher before putting my head on the desk and i knew he saw what happened. nobody else in class had noticed, thankfully, and afterwards he offered his help with any guidance i might need. i told him i was fine and turned to my friend laughing about the situation. ive spent most of my life being a sort of philosopher. one of my most recent, and proud ideas is that on other planets, the evolution of the substances reacting with other substances IS LIFE! really slow, unfamiliar life. in gaseous planets i've theorized that there are life forms that exist for miliseconds, evolving and creating new life that continues to die soon and create new life. the only way i can describe it is a mess of molequles that when smacked into eachother, change and form new matter that would not have been predictable in any fashion. i hate to say this. i cant say this. i cant say this because it wont be true anymore. to know what i mean by "i cant say this", look up the "id" on wikipedia. one time while on DXM with my friend, we were walking and we dropped a level. this level, as i've called it, was a realization of previous insanity. when you realize a level, it goes away. i started dropping levels at an exponential rate. i dont even know if i stopped. i could be in the ultimate levelless state of being and not know it because there are no more levels to drop! in class with the girl or actually everywhere, i dont know what to say. when i tried ecstacy a few weeks back i got the idea of ranting, just going with the flow and talking. maybe talking is wrong. maybe i shouldnt post this. if i post this you will all know. i cant post this. i wont post this. i often wonder "am i good person?". there is no ifs,ands, or buts about this right now, i am a bad person. i dont respect other's oppinions, i tell them they are wrong. i am the one who is wrong! shrooms on halloween is a bad idea. smoking after school is a bad idea. getting good grades is a VERY GOOD idea. getting a job is a good idea. becoming a dealer is a good idea (definitely. i just got a call from my friend. hes waling with the principals daughter buying weed. whats happening in this world? im amazed at the glorious subculture of marijuana. the illeaglization of it can ruin lives. i must go though. i dont know how to say goodbye, or hello. hope you can make some analogies or inferances of this for yourself. im worried i repeat myself too much. i often write duplicate, yet slightly different word in a sentace. i guess it conveys a deeper, more precise meaning. its really not so bad.
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