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Self confidence rapidly declining
    #6048992 -

I am really starting to lose my self esteem and confidence in my self. So many things going on in my life and so many thoughts that can't escape my head. It's been this way for years. I'm admitedlly weird, but there was a point when I still had confidence. And that's what counts. It got me through the day. And before I vent further, I think it necessary to give a little bit of information on my lifestyle.

I don't use psychedelics anymore. Not that I've vowed not to, but simply because they haven't easily come across my path. It's been well over a year since a mushroom trip and I've pretty much stopped toking grass too. I've now turned to abusing a new substance in the past 2 years. Alcohol. I worked in a far northern town in alberta...an oil town(money town)...where all you do is drink. I got plastered more than the common person, but was able to keep it somewhat in check. But over the past year, it's just been building and buidling as, in hindsight, I realize I was and am getting unhappier and unhappier. In the past 10 months I have been drinking pretty much everyday. I'll get absoulutely obliterated one night wake up, get not as drunk and wake up the next day a little more refreshed...refreshed enough to get obliterated again. Just the past week I'm realizing how much alcohol I consume...more than anyone I know and it's not good.

I can't lie, what people think about me, really matters to me...especially in the last few months. Me and my friends are all around 22 years old and all of them are doing so well in life. I have all these friends, who, by society's standards, are upstanding people. Good careers, homes, security, and well-being in general. They all drink quite a bit too. So I'm not going to use my drinking as a scapegoat, because I don't think that's the problem.

I just feel worthless. Like I said, all my friends are 22...one has his commercial helicopter/fixed wing license and a good job, the other has a good career in heavy duty mechanics, the other an electrician and the other, younger than the rest of us, has his own company in home renovation/house building. And me? Since I was 16 I've worked as mover, warehouse junkie, delivering bottled water and worked in several lumber mills. No schooling, no ambition(not enough to get me anywhere it seems), no real skills besides working my ass off at a dead end job.

I'm constantly spending more money than I should. I always think, "Is this really going to cause me to shrivel up and die if I spend it?". I decline to pay some of my bills and instead get drunk. I just recently quit my good paying job at the mill because I was very unhappy. Is that just cause to just quit? My parents didn't seem to think so. It's so hard for me to quit a job...I want to be known as the guy who suceeds at what he does. I told my parents how hard it was going to be for me to quit and my dad just said basically that It would be harder not to quit and be a man. Honestly, if he knew me, he'd realize how much harder it was for me to quit.

To date, I haven't been happy at any job. I'm at yet another crossroads in my life. I just sold my place...I had 26,600 in my bank account. I have spent 10 grand already. 4 to a loan, 2800 to a guitar amp I've wanted for years, and spent the other 3 on small little trips/booze/food/ .......JUNK. I quit telling everyone I was going to alberta to get into a welding trade. Problem is, I really don't believe I can do it. I don't believe I can do anything. I'm in a fairly serious relationship and when I'm not boozing it up somewhere, I'm hanging out at her place. All I'm doing is spending money...even when I'm just sitting here. I know that doesn't really make sense, but you are ALWAYS spending money, but when you aren't working...it's gonna slowly drain the account. She wants to go with me wherever I go.

I'm feeling a lot of responsibilities on my shoulders. I don't want to dissapoint myself, again, and I sure as hell don't want to dissapoint my gf. I don't even know what I'm doing with myself in this life. I really feel like I don't fit in. I've felt like an outsider since an early age, but now it's a time in my life when it really matters what I do with myself. I feel worthless. I feel powerless. I feel alone.

There's thousands of things people can say to rebuttal all this...I say them to myself all the time. You know, the positive things to counteract most of what I've said about myself. Saying and doing are two different things and lately, I'm honestly and truly feeling like I CAN'T do anything. And that makes me just feel more worthless.

I'm so weak.

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Re: Self confidence rapidly declining [Re: Spooge]
    #6049006 -

ok, first off, you can do whatever the fuck you want.  It might feel like your doomed.. but ignore that feeling.  There are no rules... your not a loser for trying something and failing at it.  Your a loser if you never try at all!  So get out there and give it another shot.  :thumbup:


--------------------
Shroomery Composition Contest

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Re: Self confidence rapidly declining [Re: Toddo] * 1
    #6049289 -

I can certainly relate to your feeling. I was the same for me a few months ago, but on the contrary I had a very good job (at 22 I was an imports manager for a door makin firm). I felt like shit, no ambition, no girlfriend, a lot of drinking/weed, a lot of sleeping and hardly any interaction even with my friends or relatives (I haven't had sex in about 6 months). I lived with my family at the time.

I quit my job (hated it), left my credit card,bank card,laptop,cds,DVDs.... (basically all belongings except for: a USB hard drive,which is actually broken now,MP3 player, some books and some clothes) took a suitcase and found a job at a hotel in a different state which meant that I could also live there if I wanted.

I had no belonginngs, no1 to resort to if I had a problem and a low-paying job. I just felt that was the only way to sort my problems, the environment that I was in had obviously contibuted to my situation so I wanted to move away from it.

What I realised (which is also obvious in your post): Most of the problems were caused because I was tryin to meet OTHER people's expectations. Every1 in my family expected me to become a high-flying corporate manager (in a couple of years I probably would have become a product manager had I not quit) and it was something that I truely didn't care about.

Your own post clearly defines the route of your problem:
"I want to be known as the guy who suceeds at what he does"

DON'T care about you want to be known as. Whatever you do, do it because you want it yourself and not because of what people will think of you, even if other people don't understand you or don't aproove. It won't (shouldn't) matter to people that truely love you.

It doesn't matter if you are not very succesful,earn a lot of money/have a "respectable by societies standards" (what the hell does that mean) job. All that stuff has been programmed in us. Hapiness and peace has nothing to do with money. I'm much happier now earning half the money that I earned before and having less responsibilites.

I woulnd't even say that drinking is bad, unless it's done done for escapism!

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE FUCKING MONEY!!!!

Medidation helped me but I don't know if you are up to it!

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Re: Self confidence rapidly declining [Re: Spooge]
    #6049345 -

Quote:
I don't even know what I'm doing with myself in this life.


From reading your story, this seems like a key element. You work hard, you have motivation to do well, but you are like a rudderless boat that's going in circles.

So, IMO you need to take a deep breath and sit down or even meditate on just what it is that you would really like to do in life. You, not your friends, your parents or your girlfriend. What are you good at, what comes naturally, what skills can you use now and build on, what will make you feel good at the end of the day.

I honestly think you are making early progress in that you have realized you are unhappy and are addressing it now. Many people just continue in their jobs that they hate and keep drinking to dull the pain of an existence that does nothing for their mental well being.

Think of it as an early mid life crisis for yourself. Look at it as an opportunity to change rather than looking at it as you being a failure.


--------------------
Anxiety is what you make it.

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Re: Self confidence rapidly declining [Re: LunarEclipse]
    #6049500 -

Become innovative in saving your cash, To save a buck is to earn a buck, I realized looking back when I had money all the poor decisions I made when spending it, this can definitly create unneeded stress, I've realized how little I need to survive each day, and my standard of living hasn't really changed either, actually my fastfood diet and my wasted time driving around has been cut down near to 0, before you go pissing it away, find some avenue to invest your remaining cash and be fruggle with it, if you can see your money maintain, or least only drop a small amount after a good amount of time, then you don't feel all this pressure to take all this unfocused action, just chill out and be keen to the money drainers, maybe that'll help.

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Re: Self confidence rapidly declining [Re: LunarEclipse]
    #6049667 -

LunarEclipse said:
Quote:
I don't even know what I'm doing with myself in this life.


From reading your story, this seems like a key element.  You work hard, you have motivation to do well, but you are like a rudderless boat that's going in circles.

So, IMO you need to take a deep breath and sit down or even meditate on just what it is that you would really like to do in life.  You, not your friends, your parents or your girlfriend.  What are you good at, what comes naturally, what skills can you use now and build on, what will make you feel good at the end of the day. 

I honestly think you are making early progress in that you have realized you are unhappy and are addressing it now.  Many people just continue in their jobs that they hate and keep drinking to dull the pain of an existence that does nothing for their mental well being.

Think of it as an early mid life crisis for yourself.  Look at it as an opportunity to change rather than looking at it as you being a failure.


Superb Advice! Id give you five shrooms if i had'nt already! :thumbup: :heart:


--------------------

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Re: Self confidence rapidly declining [Re: Sinbad]
    #6050326 -

All of you had really good advice. It's nice when people can relate.

I had quite a restless sleep last night, just a lot of thinking. I woke up today feeling a TINY bit more positive. I decided to play a couple riffs on my brand new amp...well, when I was bringing it out, it fill over HARD. It got pretty fucked up. Warranty is void cause it's clear it was an accident. If it's not one thing it's another, you know what I mean.

The real problem is...I really do care about some of the people around me. When I'm deciding what I want to do with myself I HAVE to take my gf in consideration. I just have to. Along with my parents(although not as much). I can't just shut everyone out and be selfish about where and what I'm going to do.

Very good advice and appreciated lunar, but.."What are you good at, what comes naturally, what skills can you use now and build on, what will make you feel good at the end of the day."

I truly feel I can't answer any of thsoe. I never used to feel this way, but I can't escape it now. And realizing I can't make progress until I have answers to those question makes me feel even more bummed out. I really can't until I have my confidence again. And I can't have confidence until I address some of these questions......just a vicious never ending cycle.

The meditation is a good idea. Haven't done it for a long time. Some exercise and cutting a bit back on the booze might make me have a little boost in the self confidence department also hopefully.

thanks for replying guys. All the responses were appreciated more than you know.

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Re: Self confidence rapidly declining [Re: capliberty]
    #6050338 -

Quote:
if you can see your money maintain, or least only drop a small amount after a good amount of time, then you don't feel all this pressure to take all this unfocused action,


Makes a lot of sense to me  :thumbup:

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Re: Self confidence rapidly declining [Re: Spooge]
    #6050505 -

Quote:
Very good advice and appreciated lunar, but.."What are you good at, what comes naturally, what skills can you use now and build on, what will make you feel good at the end of the day."

I truly feel I can't answer any of thsoe. I never used to feel this way, but I can't escape it now. And realizing I can't make progress until I have answers to those question makes me feel even more bummed out. I really can't until I have my confidence again. And I can't have confidence until I address some of these questions......just a vicious never ending cycle.



Some people work the same dead end job for 30 years and never even think to ask the question of what they would truly enjoy doing.  For a lot of people work is supposed to be no fun, that's why it's called work. 

Or, like you, they are more concerned about what others think and meeting the expectations and mostly perceived needs of close friends and relatives than in even considering their own needs.  So, it isn't surprising you don't know what YOU would truly enjoy doing because YOU aren't your main concern.

Still, ask yourself if people around you will ultimately be happier with you if you are happy or if you are miserable in yet another boring dead end job.  I probably don't need to answer that for you as the answer is obvious. 

I'm not suggesting you ignore or be callous to the emotional needs of your girlfriend and your parents and not spend time with them.  But other than more money/less money or bigger house/apartment and just plain having enough money for survival ultimately what you do in your work needs to be your final decision.

As for your amp, what the heck call the store and explain the situation.  Be bummed and disgusted with yourself yet ask for their help.  DO NOT admit or worse bring up that it surely won't be covered under warranty.  When you take the amp into the store, already visualize them fixing it under warranty because that's what your goal is.  Practice looking distraught, push their sympathy buttons, frown when you look at the amp then look at them with puppy dog pleading eyes.  And be very friendly to them.  When they tell you it won't be covered, ask in your most pleading fearful voice how much it will cost.  When they tell you, get upset not with them but with your own clumsiness.  Again, ask them if there is ANYTHING they can do to help you out.  Casually mention that as time goes on and you are working as a welder, you will have the money for that Jimi Hendrix Fender Stratocaster in the glass case there.  Or whatever expensive guitar they have floating around.  Warranty?  Of COURSE it's covered, MR. Entity.... :wink:


--------------------
Anxiety is what you make it.

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Re: Self confidence rapidly declining [Re: LunarEclipse]
    #6050690 -

Quote:
Still, ask yourself if people around you will ultimately be happier with you if you are happy or if you are miserable in yet another boring dead end job. I probably don't need to answer that for you as the answer is obvious.


Very true.  I don't think I have what it takes to do what I want.  You know what I mean?  Maybe I'm just trying to vent.  I'm not trying to rebuttal everything.  I'm just feeling pretty negative about myself and everything around me.  But I still appreciate advice and help when given, so thanks  :thumbup:

As for the amp...I brought it in already.  I have an acquantince(sp?) that works there.  Right away, they could tell it fell over.  It bent the input cord on the cabinet and the actual input jack.  It was very obvious some sort of accident happened.  They might give me a decent price, but yea, the warranty is void.  And yea, it was very obvious I was upset.  Told them I was going to go home and cry.  :wink: They know I just bought it a couple weeks ago.  We'll see what happens.  I have the money, but it's still a bummer.

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Re: Self confidence rapidly declining [Re: Spooge]
    #6050827 -

harsh situation, i have been in it myself before.

personally i just got in a car and started driving around the country, and started doing some of the things that i have always wanted to do, Things that I wanted to do.

What is it that you want to do? i recomend this to almost every one, mostly because i think that it would help everyone, but Become self employed
if you have to work you might as well enjoy it. you have a few grand in the bank, i say find somthing you are good at and do it!


--------------------
PEACE

:mushroom2:zippoz:mushroom2:



"in times of widespread chaos and confusion, it has been the duty of more advanced human beings - artists, scientists, clowns, and philosophers - to create order. In such times as ours however, when there is too much order, too much m management, too much programming and control, it becomes the duty of superior men and women and women to fling their favorite monkey wrenches into the machinery. To relieve the repression of the human spirit, they must sow doubt and disruption"

"People do it every day, they talk to themselves ... they see themselves as they'd like to be, they don't have the courage you have, to just run with it."

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Re: Self confidence rapidly declining [Re: ZippoZ]
    #6050942 -

Well, my dream job would be to make enough money to live playing music.  But I'm not good enough.  If I could make enough to just pay for a small place, a moderate life.  I'd be pretty happy.

But I know that's not going to happen.  Not yet anyway.  Need some more years on the instrument. 

I know the trades are hot in Alberta right now.  Really hot.  There's all sorts of places just handing out apprenticeships.  Welding can be a nasty job...the life span is short.  Breathing in all sorts of bad crap throughout the years.  But it's where the money is.  Very likely, after getting journeyman ticket, to make anywhere between 8-10,000 a month.  I know tons of people making 120/hour with their own truck.  That's a lot of camp work though.  But making that much, I can buy SOME of my happiness  :tongue:  I dunno though.  I don't think I can do it though.  I'm kinda dumb.  That's how I feel anyhow.

Quote:
personally i just got in a car and started driving around the country, and started doing some of the things that i have always wanted to do, Things that I wanted to do.



Would you mind elaborating on some of the things that you personally did?

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Re: Self confidence rapidly declining [Re: Spooge]
    #6051011 -

man, im 25 and working landscaping.... ive never had more than 2000 dollars at a given time in my whole life. im living with my grandfather (though moving out is an option, the guy needs company. hes probably not gonna be here too much longer) free room and board is nice, but i feel like a bum at times. i blow all my money on raves/concerts/drugs/parties etc (aside from paying the cable bill and helping out with groceries and what not) and i too feel like theres no direction in my life at the moment. not sure what my point is here, except for i can kinda relate. i think its all about growing up and not wanting to. there comes a time in every mans life when hes got to cut out the bullshit....


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 

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Re: Self confidence rapidly declining [Re: wrestler_az]
    #6051064 -

I understand where you are coming from.  That's kinda nice you are giving grandpa company though.  Look at it that way.  I'm sure he appreciates it a lot.

I think I've wanted to grow up too fast since I was a little kid.  Which might be part of the problem. But right now I'm at a point where I feel completely useless.  Like, any thoughts of doing anything are shot down inside my racing head.  Like stated above, I feel like I need to grow up even more and do all these things...but right now I truly feel I can't.  I just don't have self confidence and that's what it comes down to I think.

how grown up can a person get though?  Is there ever a point that a person will reach and say, "I'm happy now, I've cut all the bullshit(everyone's "bullshit" is going to differ) and I'm all grown up." ?  I don't really think so personally.  Peaple are always growing and learning.  And people are always involved with some type of bullshit  :wink:

You say you feel no direction, but that doesn't necessarily mean you aren't happy?  If you aren't happy, sounds like you are in a similiar boat as me.  If you have no direction but are still happy and content...that is what matters I think.

I just can't seem to find my happiness anywhere and not just that, but I feel I won't and can't.

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Re: Self confidence rapidly declining [Re: Spooge] * 1
    #6051166 -

happy? i have my moments....

but they usually involve one drug or another. i rarely find it sober. growing up is a very personal thing, and what it involves will differ from person to person. my issues with finding happiness stem mostly from my unwillingness to set aside certain behaviors and look at my lifes role in the big picture.

Quote:
But right now I'm at a point where I feel completely useless. Like, any thoughts of doing anything are shot down inside my racing head. Like stated above, I feel like I need to grow up even more and do all these things...but right now I truly feel I can't. I just don't have self confidence and that's what it comes down to I think.


i can relate to this pretty much word for word (at times). what we need to understand is that its not an issue of "cant", but an issue of "wont". you can do any fucking thing you want. the question is what, and why not? you already feel useless and shitty, what more do ya got to lose by taking a chance at something, anything?

my advise to you is quit with the drinking, thats a downward spiral. take some deep breaths, relax.... and try to realize that you are the only one who can tell you what to do. really, me trying to talk to you is like the blind leading the blind.... we are pretty much in the same boat. i think happiness is best found when one isnt looking.


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 

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Re: Self confidence rapidly declining [Re: Spooge]
    #6051261 -

What i have personally done?

driven into a hurricane (francis)
Lived out of my car for about 2 months out west
lived in a box truck driving about the country
started my own business developing land
converted cars to run on vegetable oil

I think that the sense of acomplishment that i get from doing all of these things really has made me alot happier.

being able to look down and say, this is what im doing with my life, and too feel good about it is a wonderful thing.

I suppose that alot of people are depressed beacuse they dont like their reality, how their life goes, their job, their relationships, the weather in their area ect.... well then the answer would be to change your reality.

either change your perception of what makes you happy, or change your actions so that you meet your perception.

I chose to become more active, and to do more things that i have always wanted to do as well as change my perception of what made me happy. so far it has worked better than any of the prescriptions i was on during my 10+ years of getting prescribed every anti-depressant/anxiety medication there was. althogh i will admit, im constantly stoned..... :smile: :stoned:  :bigblunt:  :bongload:  :bongroll:  :bouncysmoke:  :bouncysmoke:  :bouncysmoke:  :gethigh:  :sunny:


--------------------
PEACE

:mushroom2:zippoz:mushroom2:



"in times of widespread chaos and confusion, it has been the duty of more advanced human beings - artists, scientists, clowns, and philosophers - to create order. In such times as ours however, when there is too much order, too much m management, too much programming and control, it becomes the duty of superior men and women and women to fling their favorite monkey wrenches into the machinery. To relieve the repression of the human spirit, they must sow doubt and disruption"

"People do it every day, they talk to themselves ... they see themselves as they'd like to be, they don't have the courage you have, to just run with it."

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Re: Self confidence rapidly declining [Re: Spooge]
    #6051340 -

Quote:
Very true. I don't think I have what it takes to do what I want. You know what I mean? Maybe I'm just trying to vent.


Venting is good. I made a lot of money selling it. Exhaust venting to be exact.


--------------------
Anxiety is what you make it.

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Re: Self confidence rapidly declining [Re: ZippoZ] * 1
    #6051350 -

Quote:
either change your perception of what makes you happy, or change your actions so that you meet your perception.


I like that a lot  :thumbup:

Az- Good advice there.  From an objective point of view, it truly is "won't".  Although I may feel I can't....a person always CAN, you are right.

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Re: Self confidence rapidly declining [Re: Spooge]
    #6056526 -

Like has been said, don't worry about what others think. If they love you it doesn't matter and they would be happy that you are pursuing your own happiness rather than their acceptance. Never betray yourself in fear of 'betraying' others or their view of you. For betryal of yourself is betrayal nonethless and is much worse IMO.

'Doing' things rarley leads to happiness. This 'do' this so you can 'have' that and 'be' happy is bullshit. Happiness is our default state (think kids). The problem isn't that your not doing things to make you happy. Your perspective on what brings happiness is really skewed (no worries, this is the case with this whole country and the mindset they program us with.) So find what you need or more likley don't need (other people's approval) to be happy and things should fall into place after that.

I was unhappy most of my life. After a few very intense mushroom and or DMT trips in which the purpose of my life became very clear several months ago I have been very happy. I'm thinking about selling my car for good, as well as most of what I own, and backpacking/hitchhiking around for awhile and hopefully living in the woods at some point. Once you become happy with simplicity you have the greatest freedom one can have which will only serve to bring you more happiness.

There was also a book that changed my life about all of this. If you have an open mind+interest PM me about it.


--------------------
Entropy is increasing.
To send me a PM, go to my journal

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Re: Self confidence rapidly declining [Re: Grok]
    #6058037 -

Don't worry bro because you are already doing the right thing. You are already considering things and you're motivated to do something good no matter the cost.

I asked my friend, who is 40 something and owns his own boat, a question the other day after he mentioned that he's starting ANOTHER company. I asked him, "what was your firt business venture?" I expected an answer totally different than what I got. He said, "When I was a young boy, I went around and collected people's bottles for half of their value and then went to the recycling place and sold them - easy for them and profitable for me."

That is the key to success. You do what you can the best you can, one step at a time. His business ventures that have made him a wealthy man all started when he was a little kid collecting bottles.

So.. consider some stuff. Make a good plan. Go for it. I don't know what you want, but I know that you will succeed if you do your best.


--------------------
Smoking my hobbit leaf...
Please keep in mind that I am just a human being. Please read my posts carefully and interpret their meaning for yourself.

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