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I made a post a bit back about some random shit life was throwing at me- that was more of a slight breakdown from not sleeping enough and overworking, looking back, it seems pathetic..
Anyway, it seems to me that whenever I feel good about myself, i get it back 10x worse. Every winter and full-moon time, I feel like a paranoid schizophrenic who just wants to die, but more and more I realize what death would mean- and I don't fear it in the least..
this is debatable, but a large chunk of me believes that I died, but I was thrown back into this world. For a while, I thought I was thrown back in for a reason, but thats very presumptuous of me- to actually expect a need for a reason! If there is a god, he IS god - he can do anything he wants.
I keep getting the urge to say "goodbye, dumb world", and continue my journey elsewhere. Everything I've ever known seems to be fucked up, and the more I move along in life, the worse my perception gets. I don't know if this is some mental illness, or even if my perception has a flawed view of itself, but I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm slowly getting control of myself, but then it slips away, and I've both gone backwards and lost even more of the tiny amount of control I have ...
Is this a vent? Is this just an observation? Is this a plea for help? for anger? for someone to say my concerns are worthless? I can't tell.
first off, let me tell you that you are not alone in this matter....i think its safe to say that almost everyone has these feelings/thoughts at some point in their life. for some reason, i find it way easier to remember all the negative events in my life than the possitive ones. i hardly ever dwell on the things that go good in my life, but when something bad happens, i forget all the good and concentrate all my energy on the negative event, which usually sends me down a long downward spiral...its just the way life is i think.
Quote: this is debatable, but a large chunk of me believes that I died, but I was thrown back into this world. For a while, I thought I was thrown back in for a reason, but thats very presumptuous of me- to actually expect a need for a reason! If there is a god, he IS god - he can do anything he wants.
i think you were thrown back for the reason that you still have some things to learn. im not sure where i stand when it comes to god/religion anymore, but at the moment i think that this life is a test of sorts....for something larger later down the road maybe...and we have to keep reliving it till we get it right?
also, i dont think the god(s) can do what ever they want...i think they have a certian set of rules to go by...i mean, i was raised christian, going to this little baptist church every sunday till i was about 15 or so...and most my ideas of what god is like stem from these experiences, though have been atlered a bit once i started questioning what i was taught. anyway, i was told god gave us free will. he gave us the power to make our own decisions, either bad or good. i think this kinda cuts him out of the loop, in that if he were to do what ever he wanted (like for instance, keeping those hi jackers from crashing the planes into the world trade center) he would be interfering with that free will that he gave us...maybe this doesnt mean he CANT do anything he wants, but rather WONT do some things....but they are basically the same thing when you look at it. if he determined there were areas of our life he would stay out of, then he basically made a set of rules for himself...and so to keep his end of the whole free will bargin, he CANT interfer...anyway, im rambling a little here
Quote: Everything I've ever known seems to be fucked up, and the more I move along in life, the worse my perception gets.
im going through pretty much the same shit at the moment. it seems no matter what i do, the decisions i make are always the wrong ones, and i just keep slipping further and further into this hole im in. sometimes i just wonder, why bother? this holes so fucking deep, ill never reach the top....then sometimes ill climb up to the edge and peek out at the world beyond my hole. just before i crawl out, here comes life kicking dirt in my face and stomping on my fingers....and i slide back to the bottom. its tough, but i think that eventually my persistance and determination will pay off....or at least i hope so.
anyway, keep your head up....your still alive, keep living.sooner or later you will find out what death is all about, its inevitable....so why rush it? try to have some fun...feel free to drop me a pm sometime if you ever want to talk or just bullshit with someone
You may also be at the point in your life where you are to build more character and learn what kind of person you are. Every trial and tribulation adds to your knowledge and character. Roll with the punches. I know it's easier said then done, but there is a very good possibility that these things are happening for a reason that you just can't seem to grasp right now.
I would also like to ask you, is there anything you really fear right now? Something in your life that scares the complete shit out of you? Don't answer right away. It's not an easy question.. but when you do find the answer.. ask yourself if it's possible you are yearning for the negativity subconsiously so that it protects you, keeps you, from actually seeing the fear.
I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.
*-_Thread_Jacker_-* To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind. - Th?ophile Gautier.
Seek not every quality in one individual - Confucius.
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