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Registered: 06/12/01
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ego death? great experience.. feedback pls :)
    #569315 - 03/04/02 06:32 AM (14 years, 7 months ago)

About a week and a half ago a friend of mine had got a free hotel room at the casino. We decided it'd be a good place to trip. Probably wasn't a good idea really but somehow great things happened (to me anyway). I had an allergy at the time and had taken a Clarinase (contains Loratadine 5mg and Pseudoephedrine Sulfate 120mg time release) about 2 hours prior. Anyway.. me and S ingested 3.5 grams dry each and K had about 2.5 grams dry - it was now 6pm. I hadn't eaten since 10am that morning.

It was a small hotel room. There were two beds, a comfy chair and a tv. I had a bed, S had a bed and K got the chair. Anyway.. resting there watching tv I started to feel the shrooms come on. I have never dosed on dry shrooms before - the come-on was noticeably faster and more defined than with the fresh shrooms - as I had been told before. I started to find stuff on the tv really funny. Doesn't matter what it was. Like the face of this woman I just found totally and utterly hilarious. Ever since I started shrooming I noticed I had a problem with letting go. I would analyse my visuals and say 'well that painting's breathing because my legs are wobbling and my vision is delayed' - I now realise that this heavily detracts from the experience. I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I consciously told myself to let go. Just let the shrooms do their thing. I felt like I was flipping a switch in my brain - telling it to turn off and not fight. I tried to repeat this 2 nights ago but with no such luck - I tried and tried.. it just wouldn't work. So I guess I'm wondering if this is dosage-related? Anyway on with my experience..

I came out of the bathroom and returned to the bed. I closed my eyes. S and K were still watching the tv.. despite me finding this annoying, I managed to block it out of my conscious mind and go for a journey. I was seeing the most amazing 3d visuals. I was travelling through my body. I could see my organs. My heart pumping.. my lungs breathing.. I forgot how to speak for a moment. It felt like I was able to turn things on and off inside my body. The noise of the tv was loud but ambient and echoey. I looked at the roof and saw the outlines of things that looked like American Indian spirits. Actually maybe they were more like Aztecs or Incas. They didn't speak to me.. well not really. It's like I made my mind make them say stuff and talked to myself. Kinda funny heh. Then I started talking to my brain. Kinda went like:
-Hey whats up?
-Not much.
-This is pretty cool hey?
-I'm the left side of the brain.
-And I'm the right.
It went on for a while. I really felt like there were two voices in my head from the left and right sides of my brain. Might have something to do with the reading I was doing about the people who had their brain stem cut from between the two sides of their brain and weren't able to do things properly.. I guess - maybe something subconscious? Weird.. anyway.. I closed my eyes again and saw myself in the middle of this dark sphere. There was a bright glowing thing in the middle. At the time it felt like I was looking at my brain inside my head - though the object in the middle was a lot smaller than the sphere itself.. heh and no I don't have a stupidity complex
Anyway.. after that it gets kind of hazy. I don't remember too well. I knowI was in that state of higher awareness. Realisation after realisation came to me. I saw so many things in a different light. I analysed how I acted - my mannerisms - my stature.. it was truly amazing.. I noticed that
everything had a sort of shadow image to it. This seemed significant - a sort of glowy edge to everything that really felt like a proper trip. Nothing like I had ever seen before while tripping - though I must say my highest dose before that was only 25 grams fresh. It felt like I was properly tripping for the first time. Things were swimming around. Patterns were everywhere.. a sort of grid over everything. Geometric outlines became clear in the room. I went and looked in the mirror and stared at my face. Then the image disappeared and showed me a different face. It was like out of a fairytale.. the whole looking glass thing.. Depending what I thought about how I looked the face would change. I could make myself look like a retarded freak or a movie star.

That's only the beginning.. this hotel bathroom had something really interesting. There was a speaker in there which relayed what the tv was showing. Charmed was on - and the ambience of the bathroom was AMAZING. The sound echoed and sounded heavenly. When one of the girls spoke I would see her face appear in the mirror and speak the words. The room would change. I remember thinking about so many different philosophical things. I felt truly enlightened. I started to analyse society and had a sense of helplessness in the world. I lost my everyday feelings of security. What's to stop someone from killing us as we go about our daily business? Sure there's cops. But they're never there when you need them. I didn't really dwell on that though.. more important things came to mind.. I felt something I had felt before while on Salvia. I saw humans as they really are - animals.. be they more advanced animals but still animals. All of the structure and society - we can't hide the facts that we are just an intelligent beast. It doesn't really seem that profound now but at the time it felt truly strange.

I have been an atheist all my life but started to consider and question my beliefs. They have not changed - but the way that I look at them has. How I felt at the time would be best described as a single consciousness - aware of my reality and my reality being my experience as that consciousness.. which I guess is exactly what we are but at the time it made so much more sense. It FELT like it made sense more than anything. Kind of hard to explain. My body was the vessel and my mind was me. I just want to make clear that throughout the whole trip (except for the beginning) I was up and about. I thought that ego death was merging with the universe - is that something different?

My social interaction with S and K was interesting.. I was constantly analysing our conversations and noticed things that I wouldn't normally notice. Like the strange circles conversation seem to travel in - 'because you said bla which meant you thought bla which meant bla' that type of thing. If one of them said something that would have normally insulted me I didn't feel hurt or angry. I analysed what they said and considered it rationally. I felt happy and alive. Really really trippy.. it was amazing.

The rest of the night is kinda of just the comedown from it - extremely gentle - kind of felt like ecstacy actually.. where you can talk about shit so easily and feel just great. The next day I had MAJOR afterglow - I had never felt that before. It was beautiful to be alive. I forgot to add - one of the realisations I made is that I was using drugs in a way that detracted from me enjoying life for what it is.. not the shrooms - but marijuana. It had become habitual and pointless. I've since MAJORLY cut down.

Was this ego death? What level would you call this trip? Any other comments are welcome.

Thanks :laugh:


Edited by _JJ_ (03/06/02 08:41 AM)

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Invisiblemr crisper

Registered: 07/25/00
Posts: 928
Re: ego death? great experience.. feedback pls :) [Re: _JJ_]
    #569841 - 03/04/02 08:32 PM (14 years, 7 months ago)

if it didnt feel something like this it probably wasnt ego death.
sounds like a beautiful trip tho.

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Error: divide byzero

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Registered: 04/27/01
Posts: 23,480
Loc: Caribbean
Last seen: 3 months, 6 days
Re: ego death? great experience.. feedback pls :) [Re: _JJ_]
    #569862 - 03/04/02 08:59 PM (14 years, 7 months ago)

> Was this ego death?

Nobody can answer that question but you.
If you can answer that question, then it wasn't.

Just another spore in the wind.

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