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OfflineKeepAskingTime
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Registered: 05/14/01
Posts: 596
Loc: Central PA
Last seen: 11 years, 11 months
A short essay my friend wrote on the Ego
    #491104 - 12/14/01 03:56 PM (14 years, 11 months ago)

This is a great essay where my friend begins to open his eye(s). Excuse the spelling he has dyslexia or whatever.

Sean Conroy
12/5/01
English

?I remember going on vacations to New Jersey when I was a small boy. At about twelve o?clock in the afternoon the sand on the beach became so hot it burns your feet when you walk on it. The stretch of scolding sand separating me from the ocean was about one hundred yards. I improved my threshold of pain and ran faster each time I wanted to get to the ocean.?
I wake up with a headache. ?Get up,? I think to myself. I open my eyes with a confusing look at the ceiling. ?Wait, where am I? O yes, I remember?party?. Across the room I see three figures sleeping. ?Poor bastards, they?re trashed.? One is on the couch, and two are on the floor. Remembering who they are I laugh to myself, thinking how funny they were last night. ?I gotta find a ride home yet.? I say to myself. I rise from the cold floor, realizing I used my coat as blanket. I say to myself, ?I should have found a bed last night to sleep in.?
Wait; let?s go back to the night before.
I sit in the circle on the deck of some kid?s house with a beer in one hand, waiting for the joint to come around to me. Every one around me is older compared to me by a couple of years; and while they are having fun socializing I quietly sit in my chair, trashed. ?I?m having a great time.? I say to myself. ?I wonder what they think about me just sitting here?.
There?s no one to talk to because I?m embarrassed so I don?t say anything. ?What if they ask for my name and I forget it? What if I end up saying something dumb and they laugh at me? What if they ask me for my name and I forget it?? Many times I find myself saying to myself, ?I figure it?s best for me to just keep my mouth shut for tonight. I?ll save the hassle of trying to start a conversation with some one who doesn?t want to talk to me.?
This pattern continues with me for weeks; I don?t remember how many. Time passes by and every morning it feels like I?m waking up from some fatal blow to the head given to me the night before. ?Why are you doing this to yourself?? I think to myself. ?And you used to be such a nice boy. Funny, talking to people, now what are you??
Sitting alone with nothing but your thoughts, making up answers to your own questions, this is what I do. I never really know if the answers are right or not, and this leads me only to more questions. ?What are you made of?? ?What makes you move?? These questions lead to the breaking down of my personality, because after time I forget who I was before. ?You?re nothing- your signals from your brain to your muscles. That?s all- how pathetic.? I would think to myself. I feel my self-image wearing away, and I hate myself for it.
?Walk.? ?Sit.? ?Light.? ?Laugh.? This is all that goes through my mind. Not much more, ?What is there to think about?? Stripping myself to the bare minimum with my thoughts and actions. ?This is my life.?
?What are you?? The tension of being nobody bothers me so I start to make up identities for myself. ?You?re a hard core kid with a mean stare?I wouldn?t mess with you?. Next month: ?You?re a mellow guy and you only care about when the next time you?re gonna smoke?. Next month: ?I don?t know what you are. Try to figure something out. Come on! Why don?t you be that one cool guy you saw in that movie?? Next month: ?You don?t know what you are, do you? I?m so ashamed?.
?I remember going on vacations to New Jersey when I was a small boy. At about twelve o?clock in the afternoon the sand on the beach became so hot it burns your feet when you walk on it. The stretch of scolding sand separating me from the ocean was about one hundred yards. I improved my threshold of pain and ran faster each time I wanted to get to the ocean.?
The amount of confusion and misguidance keeps getting deeper and more torturing. A thousand different voices in my mind rail on about ?me?, and now it feel's impossible to recover and be the way I was a year ago. Depression is a horrible thing.
I have a friend who sees this downward spiral of problems with me; his name?s Adam. I talk Adam one night, telling him about my problems and hardships about what kinds of things were running through my mind, he was able to relate well. ?The Ego,? he says, ?is biggest trick you play on yourself?. ?What the?? I think. Adam continues: ?Your ego is that voice that you always listen to. The voice that tells you what you should be, how you should act?.
There is silence in my head; relief after six months. Days after day I begin to understand more of what Adam told me that night. ?You?re destroying your Ego Sean! Soon you?ll be happy!? ?Adam, I destroyed my Ego,? I say to him a week later. ?What now?? I feel a cense of concern and disbelief in my own thoughts- a new feeling. ?Your Ego is stronger and more conniving then you realize,? Adams tells me. ?I haven?t destroyed my ego entirely ether yet.?
?Damnit!? I yell in my head, ?I?m never gonna get this right. Wait, why am I trying to destroy something that is Me anyway? I need my thoughts, how would I think?? I start to loose confidence in the idea of loosing my Ego. ?Adam- what?s wrong with this? I need my thoughts. How do I gain confidence in myself for loosing this Ego anyway??
Adam says to me, ?You don?t need confidence. Confidence is only a false cense of security,? I relax. ?Words are the most deceiving part of the Ego. Understanding that you are not words is the challenge.?
?(Silence).? I begin to understand. I realize my self-image is composed of only thoughts and words. When I choose not to listen to those thoughts, it?s easier to see that there?s more to life then what people tell you.
?I remember going on vacations to New Jersey when I was a small boy. At about twelve o?clock in the afternoon the sand on the beach became so hot it burns your feet when you walk on it. The stretch of scolding sand separating me from the ocean was about one hundred yards. I improved my threshold of pain and ran faster each time I wanted to get to the ocean.?
?After two years of running across the sand, I decide to walk down the street instead of burning my feet. I come to a walk way not far down the street. The walk way leads to the ocean. I reach the end of the boardwalk and go down the wooden steps; the ocean is twenty feet away. I look down at the steps with gratitude; when I look down I see a small boat resting on the moist sand.?


--------------------
I'm praying for infinite lapdances in heaven and an infinite supply of cocaine to snort out of Angelina Jolie's ass crack.


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Anonymous

Re: A short essay my friend wrote on the Ego [Re: KeepAskingTime]
    #491409 - 12/14/01 10:01 PM (14 years, 11 months ago)

Heh... keep up the good work with your friend, Adam.


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InvisibleJoshua
Holoman
Male

Registered: 10/27/98
Posts: 5,389
Loc: The Matrix
Re: A short essay my friend wrote on the Ego [Re: KeepAskingTime]
    #491460 - 12/14/01 10:54 PM (14 years, 11 months ago)

True, so true.

Keep writing, it's the ultimate therapy.

Joshua


--------------------
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"Life After Death is Saprophytic!"


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InvisibleThe_Clash_UK
Day Tripper
Registered: 09/11/01
Posts: 1,000
Loc: UK
Re: A short essay my friend wrote on the Ego [Re: KeepAskingTime]
    #491890 - 12/15/01 11:16 AM (14 years, 11 months ago)

That is one fucking brilliant piece of writting!


--------------------
Crash a cig guvnor?


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InvisibleZeus
addict

Registered: 06/08/00
Posts: 187
Re: A short essay my friend wrote on the Ego [Re: KeepAskingTime]
    #492515 - 12/16/01 02:42 AM (14 years, 11 months ago)

Damnit!

I wanted to read about waffles.
I kept reading, and thinking - "when is he going to talk about waffles",
and "man this is realy deep for a post on waffles",
and finally - "damnit he never talked about those sweet, sweet waffles".





i feel so used ; {



--------------------
" I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am. "

"Experience is the meaning to life" -me


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OfflineKeepAskingTime
addict
Registered: 05/14/01
Posts: 596
Loc: Central PA
Last seen: 11 years, 11 months
Re: A short essay my friend wrote on the Ego [Re: Zeus]
    #492799 - 12/16/01 01:36 PM (14 years, 11 months ago)

HAhahhahHAHa...that is funny.

Let go your Ego!


--------------------
I'm praying for infinite lapdances in heaven and an infinite supply of cocaine to snort out of Angelina Jolie's ass crack.


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