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why do i self destruct all the time?
    #3431107 -

it always happnes. every time i start to feel comfortable in my situation, i got to go and fuck it all up. it happens all the time, and when i look back to try and see why i do the things i do, i get confused.....in retrospect it looks like i go out of my way to mess shit up. like theres some part of me that is constantly striving to make this life as hard as possible for me. why do i do this to myself? i feel like sometimes im stuck in some repititous thought loop from a bad trip and cant get out. and i have no control over the self destructive behavior. i dunno what im looknig for here, but ya.....just venting i suppose.


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how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 

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Re: why do i self destruct all the time? [Re: wrestler_az]
    #3431385 -

maybe you can learn from the 'fuck up' experiances and the next time you have such a situation handle it in a different way?

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Re: why do i self destruct all the time? [Re: wrestler_az]
    #3431602 -

I know exactly what you mean man, it sometiems feels like i#m possessed by someting that steers me in all the wrongs directions :shrug:

Just gotta think tings through and be strong


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Re: why do i self destruct all the time? [Re: stefan]
    #3432166 -

stefan said:
maybe you can learn from the 'fuck up' experiances and the next time you have such a situation handle it in a different way?


well sure, thats what you think would/should happen....but i dont, i never learn. its the same bullshit cycle no matter where i turn.....getting a bit too comfortable? here, lets make some drama.... :smirk:


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 

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Re: why do i self destruct all the time? [Re: wrestler_az]
    #3433572 -

maybe you can give some examples because all we know is that you 'fuck up' often...

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Re: why do i self destruct all the time? [Re: stefan]
    #3433861 -

wrestler, go out and buy a book called "be here now" flip through it often.

youll thank me for it, if not just for the artwork :smile:


--------------------
Men look at themselves and they see flawed humans, we look at women and we see perfect
GODDESSES
Women look at themselves and they seem utterly human, when looking at men they see proud
GODS.

~Casil



:cactus:

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Re: why do i self destruct all the time? [Re: stefan]
    #3436065 -

examples are plenty...

most recently a job i had. i was working at taco bell, not too glamorous of a job but i was making pretty decent money and i got along with pretty much everyone i worked with. just as im starting to get comfortable and thinking, "hey, this aint too bad" i got to go and mouth off to some irate customer and got fired.

pretty much every time i get into a relationship with a girl it gets to a point where im thinking things cant get any better and i gotta go fuck that all up.

school, family relationships......pretty much you name it. anytime shit seems to start going my way for a change i go and do something stupid to ruin it all. its like a curse. for some reason i cant let myself be happy. it seems as though i look for the drama.....even though i keep telling myself i dont want it, i always seem to go out of my way to cause the shit. i dont get it. like my job.....i could have easily just kept my mouth shut and given them what they wanted. i could have kept my job and kept working with some cool ass people. but no. i had to open my mouth, and let my "i dont take shit from nobody" attitude get the best of me and say some things to this customer i shouldnt have. and now im unemployed and looking for another job....


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 

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Re: why do i self destruct all the time? [Re: wrestler_az]
    #3436112 -

Quote:
  and let my "i dont take shit from nobody" attitude get the best of me


I read that story about the taco bell thing, that manager sucks :thumbdown:

Is this attitude the cause of more of your fuckups or just this one? You should work on the attitude I think, it's pretty hard I also have been fired (twice) because of arguments with a boss etc because I didn't agree how I had to do things. with my next job I'll try to just be a 'tame sheep' and just nicely do what I get payed for. You need to learn when this attitude is usefull and when not, think of it as a strategy game (it sort if is actually :smirk:). So if you know what your weknesses are you have to learn how to recognize situations when such thingscan come up and then first think should I do this yes/no and if you're not sure, ask someone else like a manager (but sometimes that dpoesn't work hey :wink: ) or else just give in the easy way. Use the 'better safe than sorry rule'.
behaviors and habits are hard to change but you can learn these things. unfortunately it sometimes takes a little long :tongue:
good luck with that, I hope this helpes :thumbup:

oh and also it might be not only your fault, there are 2 people needed for an argument/fight. bad luck sucks too :thumbdown:

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Re: why do i self destruct all the time? [Re: Todcasil]
    #3436812 -

holy schniekies Todcasil, I just picked up that book the other day and looked through it for a good long while...AMAZING artwork in there, and great messages throughout the whole thing.

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Re: why do i self destruct all the time? [Re: adrug]
    #3437047 -

It is an incredible book.  :thumbup:

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Re: why do i self destruct all the time? [Re: wrestler_az]
    #3438629 -

Im like this too and have yet to accept that i can be happy. It's like this, once i decide that i can be happy and am happy i start to believe that it can't be that easy for me. I start finding reasons that fuck me up, its almost like u said with the whole demons thing--its something on my back and its fuking me over. I think me and u have to start to recognize that we do these things, and we have to learn to respect ourselves. Once we do, we can start to believe that we are and deserve to be happy...Kind of hard to explain--dude ive been battleing this for about 2 years now and let me tell you its getting annoying one, and tiresome--it seems to easy but sometimes we gotta accept that things are the way they are. Hope that helps and i hope i can heed my own advice because im so self destructive that i'll find a reason or two now to.
EZ Good luck MAD BUHDDA

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Re: why do i self destruct all the time? [Re: wrestler_az]
    #3443796 -

You are playing out a self-destructive script. You have two options: change your script or play it out untill the end. They will both end in death ofcourse but dropping your present script may make your journey to death more enjoyable, if not completely different. Different and alien to the point that you do not see the negative but see what is infront of your face. If your new script gets tiresome and unejoyable as the one you have now, repeat the process. This is life. Live it as the game it is.


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Love.

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Re: why do i self destruct all the time? [Re: wrestler_az]
    #3447942 -

lots of good words here, thank you all. the fact that im actually starting to recognize these behavior patterns is a very good start in dropping them all together, but damn, its hard...its like i try to do the right thing, sometimes i do, sometimes i dont. but even the times where i do the right thing, i still seem to end up just as fucked in the end as if i didnt. it seems like in any situation, what i do or how i handle it is completly irelevant to the outcome...so sometimes i ask myself why even bother? i dunno, its hard but it does seem like im on the right path at least....

ever since our last gathering here in az, ive been on one helluva emotional roller coaster. extreme highs, extreme lows....there are times where i feel my emotions so strong it scares me. i woke up a few times in the middle of the night crying like a little baby not knowing why. i just recently watched spiderman 2 and the day after tomorrow....i broke down in tears several times through out the both of them, but at the same time laughing my ass off watching myself get all mushy when spiderman finally reveals his identity to mary jane :smirk:....something happened at this last gathering, in my head.....not quite sure what, or whats to come of it, but right now i do think it is a very much positive thing.

it started out with a very intence drug induced depression...during this time i thought about all kinds of shit thats going wrong in my life and dwelled on them to the point where i was completly fucked in the head and just stunned not knowing what to do or how to go about it....after about 3 or 4 days i finally felt my brain chemistry nearing equilibrium and things started to look up. things were going my way, and i had my little depression to thank for that. things were normal, nothing really to be all that happy about, but i wasnt where i was....and so i was happy for that. and because of my little depression, i now know what it is that i have to do/take care of, one of the main things being making amends with certain family members. i have taken the first steps towards my goal in that area, and thingas are looking decent....but the ball is now out of my court so only time will tell my next move. then i lose my job.....oh well, i lost my job at taco bell...big deal. im also refereeing high school wrestling and i am making way more money at that than i ever did at taco bell. and now that i dont have my job at taco bell i have way more time to referee, so money isnt really an issue for the time being. hell, i just got done with a 2 day tournament and made 350 bucks, almost a whole paychecks worth at taco bell.

so things arent really all that bad, but for some reason....i dunno, maybe its that once things start to go my way, after a while i start anticipating my next downward plunge.....which might actually not happen without the anticipation. make any sence?


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 

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Re: why do i self destruct all the time? [Re: wrestler_az]
    #3450512 -

If you allow me to tag in....

In these cases of self-destructive behavior in all sorts of things there usually is a common culprit:

Lack of self-love through lack of self-acceptance

Simply put you might not live up to what you think you should be and constantly kick yourself to try and change.

Behaviors you can change. But your Self you cannot. Love, accept and forgive yourself. If you feel unworthy somehow: nobody is.

Make a list of things you somehow have sabotaged and try to figure out more about yourself.


--------------------
Omnicyclion.org
personal empowerment for the world

Onehomemission.org
truly make a difference

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Re: why do i self destruct all the time? [Re: Asante]
    #3450940 -

you know, i think you might be right here....well, sort of.
i wouldnt say i lack in self-love.....but self acceptance maybe. whats wrong with striving to be a better person? how i go about punishing myself for not meeting my expectations is another story however. ive always had high expectations of myself. i dont know any other way. i know no one is perfect, and i do accept some of my faults....but i cant help but want to change the ones i think i can. when i think about it, my thoughts start looping and what you just said here really hit home in some ways....i dunno, this is very confusing for me and its hard to put these thoughts into words.

i want to be a good person. i want to be a good friend, a good son, and someday a good father. i want everyone around me to be happy. these are the things i strive for every day. id like to say that the expectations of others arent an issue here.....sometimes they arent, but sometimes they are. kinda depends on the situation i guess. but i have always had a certain level of expectations for myself, no matter the situation. i guess its the times where i dont meet them that fuels my self destructive behaviors.


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 

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Re: why do i self destruct all the time? [Re: wrestler_az]
    #3453780 -

i've been beating myself up for awhile now about how I need to be much more professional and have a strong and serious work ethic. I feel like mentally punishing myself for the last few years of laziness and escapism. i feel like i have no time to relax, yet I'm not making any solid moves toward my goal... i seem to be in limbo between two extremes and its quite frustrating.

i want to be able to speak clearly with a good vocabulary
i want to manage something and get things done

you got me thinking about that whilst talking about self expectations

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Re: why do i self destruct all the time? [Re: Grav]
    #3453971 -

Quote:
i've been beating myself up for awhile now about how I need to be much more professional and have a strong and serious work ethic. I feel like mentally punishing myself for the last few years of laziness and escapism. i feel like i have no time to relax, yet I'm not making any solid moves toward my goal... i seem to be in limbo between two extremes and its quite frustrating.

i want to be able to speak clearly with a good vocabulary
i want to manage something and get things done

you got me thinking about that whilst talking about self expectations 



Accept yourself. Accept you are not what you expected and then see what you can't do. Don't torture yourself with stuff that isn't happening.


Hey Grav :smile: It's been a while, good to see you're back & posting :thumbup:


--------------------
Omnicyclion.org
personal empowerment for the world

Onehomemission.org
truly make a difference

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Re: why do i self destruct all the time? [Re: Asante]
    #3456682 -

but why should one just "accept" that they have not met their own expectations? i get what you are saying here, but its really hard for me to agree with you 100%. i have set a certain level of standards for myself....of who i am and of who i want to become. its when i dont meet these standards or expectations that i then need to take action to improve myself....are you saying i should just lower my standards? should i just be content knowing that i cannot make the changes i think i need to....and just stop trying?


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 

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Re: why do i self destruct all the time? [Re: wrestler_az]
    #3457643 -

Wrestler, I think you're a good guy and you're going to be all right! You just have fix problems one at a time. Pretty much everybody's problems stem from overlooking things in their own behavior or neglecting to set their thoughts straight. You just have to take a look at yourself, realize WHY certain thoughts/behaviors aren't working, and make a mental effort to change them. Life only repeats itself if you let it.

I remember at the AZ gathering when peaking on shrooms, x, k, whatever, you said "I'm trapped in a prison of my own thoughts and I can't get out." I have felt this exact way alot. Many a time under the influence of drugs (particularly marijauna) I have realized that 'I' or my ego is a tryant over my own mind. Always judging everything harshly, imposing unreasonable expectations, forcing order, and controling my mind with the most punitive discipline. I seem very reserved, self-controlled, and sometimes prudish to people because how tightly my mind keeps me in the reigns.

I also discovered that the very same thought entity that was ruling my brain with an iron fist was also trying to create drama out of my life to keep itself entertained. It is addicted to pain, anger, feeling that it is right, and self-fulfilling prophecies. And as a result of this I used to feel my life was totally circular, the same things would happen over and over, with a depressing and frustrating predictability.

I had to see that this was all just illusion. I'm very thankful to have encountered Buddhism because it really showed me that basis of my sense of ego, of all my pain, defensiveness, and need for self-control was never there in the first place. It's one thing to hear that you have no legitmate reason to be unhappy or live a disatisfied life, but another to SEE that it is true. Non-existant. It is absolutely true.

I think it is important that we hold ourselves to certain standards in order to make sure we are good people, but that is all they are, standards. Just thoughts. Things are never the way you imagine they should be. There is no reason to beat yourself up if you don't live up to where you think you SHOULD be. The world should be alot of things, but we have to live in it anyway.

At the same time, you can't live doing and thinking things that make you unhappy. Feeling self-destructive really doesn't make any sense. Rather it arises from a failure to understand the causes and effects of thought. That is what you must understand, that you have no reason to feel that way. Whatever that is driving you to behave in a way that makes you unhappy is simply a mistaken thought process that must be corrected.

Well, I know I kind of blabbed about myself and got really preachy but I hope it is of some help to you. take care


--------------------
1. "After an hour I wasn't feeling anything so I decided to take another..."
2. "We were feeling pretty good so we decided to smoke a few bowls..."
3. "I had to be real quiet because my parents were asleep upstairs..."

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Re: why do i self destruct all the time? [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #3457803 -

thank you.


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 

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