A month ago I shroomed on some homemade EQs with my girlfriend. I think that these particular shrooms were many many times more potent than normal cubes. i may have eaten 4 or 5 grams. We started feeling the effects very quickly and each rush seemed twice as intense as the last. AFter about 30-40 minutes we were lying on the floor, trying to grasp at the concepts of family and verbs, and things like that. After this, i sort of went into a dream state. The reason I now know that this wasn't actually a dream was that I found pictures that I drew in my "dream" in the trash can, and a friend came over to take care of my girlfriend, whom I was frightening, and explained my behavior. I remember tracing a beautiful gothic symmetrical pattern from my entire visual field on to a piece of paper, but the lines became hairs and flew at me. Then I remember seeing thousands of eyes everywhere, but it didn't phase me becasue I really thought i was in a sort of dream. i still don't quite understand my frame of mind. After god-knows-how-long of running around and grabbing my privates and mumbling unintelligeibly (according to my friend) I found myself in my room (i still thought i was dreaming). Amazing emotions started coming over me, until I realized that I had probably died. I felt emotions connected to birth, so I felt as if i was being reborn. All of tehse emotions climaxed and I heard my name called, I felt all time rushing by, seasons-days-everytyhing- outside my window, I heard sounds from my childhood. I found my body turning over, expecting to end up in my mother's arms or something like that, but instead the same thing repeated. Everything repeated, and I realized that I Had died, I felt close to everything dead, and I realized that I was stuck in an eternal loop. This was the most horrible feeling I could ever imagine. This same loop happened so many times and got shorter and shorter. Then, my grilfriend was assimilated into the "loop" and I would try to sort of push my body into hers to become her or something like that (I remember this sort of thing from earlier on in the trip). From my actions, she thought that I was attacking her, so each time she returned she was crying and I could do nothing. Later on, I found out that THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED! This freaks me out because i was so sure it was a dream. It is scary because I also remember diving at the window in an attempt to get out of the loop, and I wonder if this actually happened also.
Then, for some reason, I woke up, got out of the loop, which had followed me around the house. I felt refreshed, quite comfortable with reality, but still skeptical of it, thinking that I may have died. My friend was in the corner of my room. The most hilarious part of the whole incident was the fact that I thought I made up my friend! I thought he was a figment of my imagination so I asked him to do stupid shit like make me a sandwich, check the refrigerator: the kind of shit you would tell someone to do if you thought they were make-believe. Then I realized that I wasn't tripping anymore and that scared the hell out of me. I then saw that about 7 hours had passed.
Last week, I smoked pot for the first time in a while. I started remembering things from the loop- just random parts o fmy life. The I started thinking of everything in terms of geometry. Then I had a few episodes of frightening loop-thinking once again. Then, I was almost fully immersed in a compound loop, or something like that. I became obsessed with a theory that none of us has a single identity, we are simply a mass of consciousness sort of bouncing aroudn between bodies. The thoguth that the particular identity that was in my body and mind for that moment was meeting these friends of mine for the first time, with the whole catalog of experiences and memories of this person that is me scared the hell out of me even more. I then realized that if this was true, we weren't supposed to know about it. I felt like I was stuck in a loop. I felt liek there was no ego, at times there was no time. Nothing existed. Then, alternatingly, I felt that it was all BS, but then my belief cycled back again and again. MAn, this is some scary shit.
I think I've come to a conclusion, or just a hopeful and likely conclusion: Most of this is just bullshit. Most of it is just my own intense fear of looping, eternity, the interconnectedness and unreality of everything. The loop, I hope, is just a loop created by my fear of these points coupled with the amazing looplike well of memory begot by an altered state. God, I hope so. Every once in a while, when someone yells my name or does something strange or I get Deja Vu, for a moment a slip back into this complex loop and return to those frightening feelings.
I'm not sure what I should do about this. I think I'm going to continue to attempt psychadellic experiences and hope to come to some resolution. It's scary as hell, but I just want to be assured that it's all BS, which is worth a couple more life-shaking experiences.
I'm afraid that I may have screwed my ability to have positive and non-profound experiences with psychadellics (even pot!) because of my insane mushroom trip. My roommate had a similar experience on salvia that he slips into whenever he smokes. Whatever it is, true or not, it is truly enlightening and amazing, its just so fucking terrifying.
Thanks for getting through that if you did!
T
|
Threaded
Previous
Index
Next
Spores for European Microscopy 
Unfolding Nature: Being in the Implicate Order 
Certified Organic All-In-One Grow Bags by Magic Bag 
Bulk Substrate
Some of these posts are very old and might contain outdated information. You may wish to search for newer posts instead.
nycomyco 
Society 
Edit 
Reply 
1 2 all )
Noviseer
UrQuattro
Innvertigo
Sketchy105
longbong
truekimbo2
MOTH
Ripple