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Offlinenycomyco
Stranger

Registered: 11/13/03
Posts: 651
Loc: PA
Last seen: 4 months, 16 days
Loop: Nothing to fear but fear itself?
    #2940472 - 07/29/04 02:12 PM (12 years, 4 months ago)

A month ago I shroomed on some homemade EQs with my girlfriend. I think that these particular shrooms were many many times more potent than normal cubes. i may have eaten 4 or 5 grams. We started feeling the effects very quickly and each rush seemed twice as intense as the last. AFter about 30-40 minutes we were lying on the floor, trying to grasp at the concepts of family and verbs, and things like that. After this, i sort of went into a dream state. The reason I now know that this wasn't actually a dream was that I found pictures that I drew in my "dream" in the trash can, and a friend came over to take care of my girlfriend, whom I was frightening, and explained my behavior. I remember tracing a beautiful gothic symmetrical pattern from my entire visual field on to a piece of paper, but the lines became hairs and flew at me. Then I remember seeing thousands of eyes everywhere, but it didn't phase me becasue I really thought i was in a sort of dream. i still don't quite understand my frame of mind. After god-knows-how-long of running around and grabbing my privates and mumbling unintelligeibly (according to my friend) I found myself in my room (i still thought i was dreaming). Amazing emotions started coming over me, until I realized that I had probably died. I felt emotions connected to birth, so I felt as if i was being reborn. All of tehse emotions climaxed and I heard my name called, I felt all time rushing by, seasons-days-everytyhing- outside my window, I heard sounds from my childhood. I found my body turning over, expecting to end up in my mother's arms or something like that, but instead the same thing repeated. Everything repeated, and I realized that I Had died, I felt close to everything dead, and I realized that I was stuck in an eternal loop. This was the most horrible feeling I could ever imagine. This same loop happened so many times and got shorter and shorter. Then, my grilfriend was assimilated into the "loop" and I would try to sort of push my body into hers to become her or something like that (I remember this sort of thing from earlier on in the trip). From my actions, she thought that I was attacking her, so each time she returned she was crying and I could do nothing. Later on, I found out that THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED! This freaks me out because i was so sure it was a dream. It is scary because I also remember diving at the window in an attempt to get out of the loop, and I wonder if this actually happened also.
Then, for some reason, I woke up, got out of the loop, which had followed me around the house. I felt refreshed, quite comfortable with reality, but still skeptical of it, thinking that I may have died. My friend was in the corner of my room. The most hilarious part of the whole incident was the fact that I thought I made up my friend! I thought he was a figment of my imagination so I asked him to do stupid shit like make me a sandwich, check the refrigerator: the kind of shit you would tell someone to do if you thought they were make-believe. Then I realized that I wasn't tripping anymore and that scared the hell out of me. I then saw that about 7 hours had passed.
Last week, I smoked pot for the first time in a while. I started remembering things from the loop- just random parts o fmy life. The I started thinking of everything in terms of geometry. Then I had a few episodes of frightening loop-thinking once again. Then, I was almost fully immersed in a compound loop, or something like that. I became obsessed with a theory that none of us has a single identity, we are simply a mass of consciousness sort of bouncing aroudn between bodies. The thoguth that the particular identity that was in my body and mind for that moment was meeting these friends of mine for the first time, with the whole catalog of experiences and memories of this person that is me scared the hell out of me even more. I then realized that if this was true, we weren't supposed to know about it. I felt like I was stuck in a loop. I felt liek there was no ego, at times there was no time. Nothing existed. Then, alternatingly, I felt that it was all BS, but then my belief cycled back again and again. MAn, this is some scary shit.
I think I've come to a conclusion, or just a hopeful and likely conclusion: Most of this is just bullshit. Most of it is just my own intense fear of looping, eternity, the interconnectedness and unreality of everything. The loop, I hope, is just a loop created by my fear of these points coupled with the amazing looplike well of memory begot by an altered state. God, I hope so. Every once in a while, when someone yells my name or does something strange or I get Deja Vu, for a moment a slip back into this complex loop and return to those frightening feelings.
I'm not sure what I should do about this. I think I'm going to continue to attempt psychadellic experiences and hope to come to some resolution. It's scary as hell, but I just want to be assured that it's all BS, which is worth a couple more life-shaking experiences.
I'm afraid that I may have screwed my ability to have positive and non-profound experiences with psychadellics (even pot!) because of my insane mushroom trip. My roommate had a similar experience on salvia that he slips into whenever he smokes. Whatever it is, true or not, it is truly enlightening and amazing, its just so fucking terrifying.

Thanks for getting through that if you did!
T


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Anonymous

Re: Loop: Nothing to fear but fear itself? [Re: nycomyco]
    #2940810 - 07/29/04 03:40 PM (12 years, 4 months ago)

lol, yeah i got through it, but paragraphs are key  :thumbup:


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InvisibleSociety
Pizza Guy

Registered: 07/03/04
Posts: 13,940
Loc: Eating pizza
Re: Loop: Nothing to fear but fear itself? [Re: ]
    #2941046 - 07/29/04 04:45 PM (12 years, 4 months ago)

Grabbing your privates?


--------------------
Delicious Pizza


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Offlinecherokee
tennis shoes
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Registered: 10/25/02
Posts: 41,391
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Last seen: 6 months, 3 hours
Re: Loop: Nothing to fear but fear itself? [Re: nycomyco]
    #2941111 - 07/29/04 05:07 PM (12 years, 4 months ago)

Maybe you shouldn't eat high doses unless you know you can handle it.


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Offlinekitteh
yeehaw

Registered: 03/08/03
Posts: 134
Loc: SC
Last seen: 4 years, 6 months
Re: Loop: Nothing to fear but fear itself? [Re: nycomyco]
    #2941680 - 07/29/04 07:49 PM (12 years, 4 months ago)

"After god-knows-how-long of running around and grabbing my privates and mumbling unintelligeibly"

pshh i do that sober!

On a serious note tho. Try and stay on this planet when you trip. I dont like to lose touch with reality because reality is all i have. I like laughing, tracers, seeing beautiful colors even. What i dont like is waking up and thinking it was all a dream.


Edited by kitteh (07/29/04 07:53 PM)


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InvisibleMOTH
Wild Woman
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Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,364
Loc: In the jungle
Re: Loop: Nothing to fear but fear itself? [Re: nycomyco]
    #2941972 - 07/29/04 09:28 PM (12 years, 4 months ago)

Hey,

Your experience sounds very similar to what happened to me.  I was watching this loop, this continious deja vu over and over again, caught up in it, for eternity. 

It was the most terrifying experience of my life. 

But I got over it.  I began meditating, I read the Psychedelic Experience by Tim Leary (it really helped me get over what happenned to me), and a month later, took a much smaller (safer) dose of mushrooms to wet my feet again.  I felt like it was important that I "get back on the horse."  I felt like it was important that I not let that one scary experience ruin everything else that mushrooms have done for me. 

And you know what...I look back on that scary experience and I am absolutely mystified and awed by what I had seen/went through.  But it's in the past now, I've moved on.  And I still do mushrooms, although you can bet that I now have an incredible respect for them. 

So it's up to you on how to handle and integrate the experience.  If you never do mushrooms again, fair enough.  If you decide to try them again, start slow and take it easy.  It's all up to you, really.  Read The Psychedelic Experience by Tim Leary and give yourself some time to recover.  You'll be okay and you'll put this behind you.  Just keep holding your head high.  :heart:


love,

*me*


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Offlinenycomyco
Stranger

Registered: 11/13/03
Posts: 651
Loc: PA
Last seen: 4 months, 16 days
Re: Loop: Nothing to fear but fear itself? [Re: MOTH]
    #2946102 - 07/30/04 08:58 PM (12 years, 4 months ago)

Thanks for the help Elemysh and everyone.  I do intend to try a much lower dose.  I really think that the potency on these were extraordinary.  There were lots of aborts that were so blue they were almost black.  I have indeed learned to respect them even more than ever, even though I have been obsessed with fungi in all respects for over a year.  I would much rather have stayed on this planet-  The weird thing was that I sort of ended up on the other side, feeling exceptionally positive and refreshed, all the while trying to piece together exactly what transpired during the 7 earlier hours. 
      -new paragraph-
:tongue:
        This whole experience has only further piqued my interest.  I think of it as an adventure that takes you into unbelievable realms, only to compel you to solidify your beliefs more and more.  I recall Andrew Weil's writing that one often moves past psychadellics into meditation or other areas.  This makes sense now- like there is a purpose to be fulfilled, and once you've made your rounds you can take what you've learned and move on.  Life is pretty cool sometimes.
Thanks again


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