LogicaL Chaos said:

...Death is just a transistion...

---

At the end of life, everyone becomes a trans skeleton



sorry to hear some people are having problems
and hope that rex has an awesome and amazing party that spreads good vibes through to the rest of you
share and support

my endo appointment went really well
my prescription of E is doubled effective as soon as being able to pick it up from the pharmacy
and he also informed me that I qualified for the medical approval (necessary) to change name and gender marker on my ID
so got the forms for that and just have to go through the mess of filling them all out and getting scheduled to get them processed
lots of stuff going comparatively well for me of late =x

pirate-blues said:

That's great news! You must be feeling super awesome about all this progress, and you really should be proud of yourself. Transitioning does not sound like an easy thing even to just initiate, but you're kicking ass and I'm super happy for you.

---

Honestly, feel...weird about the progress
want to say it is something adjacent to 'indifferent'
but it is more having just given up so completely before getting on treatment to begin with
that a lot of it is me being swept along in the momentum and just kind of watching things spin around me like a little kid

majored in Eastern religions in university
and the Zen philosopher Dōgen had a really compelling idea he referred to as the Dharma Position
where when you are in the right place in life, the "ten thousand things" advance on you
or, in other words, everything becomes an effortless and natural action rather than something arduous
because the whole universe is working together towards that goal, rather than an individual striving

and that is sort of what it feels like,
it's not bewildering, but it is amazing to me how fluid things have gotten since transitioning
while coming out, initially kind of by accident, was a pretty sudden and upheaval-causing change
that 'cost' me an otherwise well functioning relationship among other things

overall, it is a place of more comfort and happiness for sure
the biggest and most notable change for me with hormone therapy has been going from daily thoughts of suicide tied to dysphoria
to having basically none, aside from meta recognition of lack of thoughts of suicide, for several months

appreciate the support
and, possibly moreso, the understanding that comes with it =x

Tantrika said:

pirate-blues said:

That's great news! You must be feeling super awesome about all this progress, and you really should be proud of yourself. Transitioning does not sound like an easy thing even to just initiate, but you're kicking ass and I'm super happy for you.

---

Honestly, feel...weird about the progress
want to say it is something adjacent to 'indifferent'
but it is more having just given up so completely before getting on treatment to begin with
that a lot of it is me being swept along in the momentum and just kind of watching things spin around me like a little kid

majored in Eastern religions in university
and the Zen philosopher Dōgen had a really compelling idea he referred to as the Dharma Position
where when you are in the right place in life, the "ten thousand things" advance on you
or, in other words, everything becomes an effortless and natural action rather than something arduous
because the whole universe is working together towards that goal, rather than an individual striving

and that is sort of what it feels like,
it's not bewildering, but it is amazing to me how fluid things have gotten since transitioning
while coming out, initially kind of by accident, was a pretty sudden and upheaval-causing change
that 'cost' me an otherwise well functioning relationship among other things

overall, it is a place of more comfort and happiness for sure
the biggest and most notable change for me with hormone therapy has been going from daily thoughts of suicide tied to dysphoria
to having basically none, aside from meta recognition of lack of thoughts of suicide, for several months

appreciate the support
and, possibly moreso, the understanding that comes with it =x

---

That's a really cool and intriguing thought. I can completely relate to that feeling(less so right now tho lol), and it is a beautiful way to feel, Sometimes I feel like the struggle to find that place is partially what makes it feel almost a little magical, but it's definitely hard to remember that when you're in the thick of it

And likewise! I appreciate coming here to vent and the kindness of you, and others in this community really does help.

pirate-blues said:

That's a really cool and intriguing thought. I can completely relate to that feeling(less so right now tho lol), and it is a beautiful way to feel, Sometimes I feel like the struggle to find that place is partially what makes it feel almost a little magical, but it's definitely hard to remember that when you're in the thick of it

And likewise! I appreciate coming here to vent and the kindness of you, and others in this community really does help.

---

The part that always interested me about it
is Dōgen attributed his understanding to having met a cook for a monastary while wandering China (he was from Japan, it was a thing at the time to go to China and try to bring back cultural treasures like new Buddhist traditions)
because the cook was whole-heartedly and completely dedicated to his task

and he has a really robust set of ritual instructions provided to the head chef
and his particular sect of Zen Buddhism considers the position to be the best to work towards enlightenment
part of this is because cooking for a building of people is a never-ending job and the cook must meditate at the stove while the others sit in meditation
but also because it is deeply a point of service to be committed to making sure everyone else in the monastery has the exact right amount of food to eat to sate their hunger and having nothing excess to go to waste
and can complete their journey

it contrasts greatly for someone like me who fumbles around the kitchen to feed myself and a cat who would eat anything
and makes me reflect on how sometimes the most troubling things can be outlets for our growth

am thankful for my current place of blessing tho, and am potentially more thankful to now be in a place of genuinely spreading good vibes around
hope that perhaps the awareness of the worldview gives you some capacity to alleviate stress in the future

Cosmic_Flame said:

HUGS

what's everyone up 2?

drinking coffee atm and cuddles with my cats. I saw a super fun horror film today. As Above, So Below and I really liked where they went with it, kinda wish they had explored more of where it was going. Movies like that have unlimited potential with its story.

---

got real stoned and distracted myself with music (Liv Kristine is major voice goals) and Shroomery posts =x



need to tackle my second session of voice training exercises for today, so ought to get on that
then will prolly end up on Monster Hunter all night per usual
or trying to catch up on all my youtube series that 200+ hours of Monster Hunter in recent weeks has distracted me from
tough decisions
:firstworldproblems:

Tantrika said:

---

Cosmic_Flame said:

OO been wanting to play that game! So many games to buy but so little time. I love smoking and rpg games. Its so relaxing.

I do singing/vocal practice but it has gone out the window this month cause of my horrible cough. Thankfully I haven't lost any of my progress, things have just stagnated which sucks for my music but oh well, maybe a raspy deadpan gothic girl voice could work Voice training for anything is such a delicate process. Physical instruments are way easier imo, voice is just such a mind fuck.

---

yeah, they talk a lot about avoiding/stopping if any raspyness comes up
it was part of what intimidating me out of trying to voice train without getting processed into the medical system
tho still envious of trans men, because their hormone therapy actually changes the vocal chords in the same way male puberty does
whereas for me, hrt won't

the interesting thing to me is being not musically inclined, and not really being able to greatly "hear" my way to getting my pitches right
but with the software to analyze it, am able to get used to producing the different pitches by feeling how air is passing through my facial cavity

but yeah, vocal chords an instrument it is not desirable to damage

raspy deadpan gothic girl voice sounds like something that would go straight into my playlist just by virtue of description

my "voice goals" are not at all reasonable
Liv gets to higher pitches than my voice will do
but shoot for the moon kind of thing

my other unreasonable voice goal is Widowmaker from Overwatch
but it would be a real dum dum move on my part to start speaking with a French accent and not speak French
even if her range is a bit lower

Cosmic_Flame said:

HUGS

what's everyone up 2?

drinking coffee atm and cuddles with my cats. I saw a super fun horror film today. As Above, So Below and I really liked where they went with it, kinda wish they had explored more of where it was going. Movies like that have unlimited potential with its story.

---

Whatup

I'm cabin side, gonna do some really poor skiing tomorrow. Was just outside to smoke a bowl, and the sky is so incredibly gorgeous. I'm way too used to light pollution.
 

As Above So Below was a great concept that I wish had been executed better. It would've made a good miniseries in the right hand.