I haven't kept up with the shroomery lately. And lately's been a while for me, perhaps because for the past week up until Wednesday when I started Depakote (again), I was hypomanic and obsessed with my latest project, <a href="/forums/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=2566587&page=0&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=&fpart=&vc=#Post2566587" onmouseover="getBody('2566587')" onmouseout="delayHide()" target="_blank">my carputer</a>.
What started being hypomanic (ideas flying, sleeping 5hr/night, heightened confidence and motivation) was a combination of starting lexapro (SSRI which causes people with BP2 to go hypomanic), turning 21, and smoking pot.
But on Wednesday I saw my fourth psychiatrist. She seems like the right doctor, with experience in the area, a good network of colleagues, and a brutually honest outlook on my matters.
She says I need to just not do drugs anymore, because things like pot are filling a hole temporarily and in taking that away I'm empty inside. The diagnosis was still bipolar 2, but now with borderline personality disorder. Great, the big "Who am I?" question.
But it makes sense. When I'm not manic, I can get indecisive, choosy, left or right, or downright confused. Taking Depakote has brought me down to a more normal level, without going into depression, but closely bordering it.
The best way I can describe it is that I feel empty inside. Let me tell you a story, one which kinda scares me. About 20 minutes ago I "woke up" from a drug-induced trance. I smoked pot the last two nights and became hypomanic both nights, from my lower more "stable" state, basking in mixed feelings between pharmaceutical refusal, and the feeling (one of very few depakote spared) that taking a mood stabilizer is the burden I need to bear in order to get back on the right track.
So what woke my trance? Realizing my cat was no longer on my lap. I just kinda realized that I zoned out for about an hour, probably two, just staring into space doing absolutely nothing, not on the computer or watching tv or even smoking cancer sticks. I must have gone under shortly after taking my dose around 2:30. I didn't pass out like I did last night; rather, I was "awake" but in a stupor of an unconscious trance, as if I wasn't really "here". I'm on the verge of this feeling sometimes, and depakote kinda muffles it out like a scream muffled out by the noise of heavy machinery.
What in the hell was that trance? Last night, I almost passed out when I stood up. Certainly this was a reaction between depakote, a couple beers, and that big bong hit. My whole vision became black, I almost couldn't stand and had to support myself, and was all shaky and even forgetting who I was or where I was.
When I came home the same thing happened, but more "naturally": After stepping in the door I immediately plopped down on the couch and fell into a deep, seemingly dreamless, inert sleep. I didn't even notice myself go out - it was instant, and the next instant I was jolting awake and realizing it was now the morning and time to wake up. No wake up in between, just deep sleep nonstop, catching up for the missed sleep.
Tonight the same happened but I wasn't asleep. Just a trance that I didn't know existed while I was in it. Pretty scary, blowing two hours sitting here "uuuugggh" slouched over and unresponsive, seemingly awake and conscious but rather not present in the reality of awareness and the waking state.
What to do? I'll have to lay off drugs so my psychiatrist can properly treat me. I'll have to put up with depakote, and fill those empty spaces. And I'll have to roll with the punches and push hard to fight this personality disorder one-on-one through my pdoc's honest tips and the emptiness I feel inside that I must gradually eliminate, by building from within.
It is hard for me to stay on depakote but I feel that I must do it to stay stable. I can't be getting 5 hours of sleep per night. I'll probably do an all nighter tonight since it's almost 5:30 and I wake in 3 hours. If I fall asleep I'll probably sleep right through the alarm clock or just smack it out unconsciously.
How do I feel on depakote? Like an empty shell. Like a piece of silly putty, just waiting to be molded to what seems fit. Indecisive, left or right, up or down. That indecisiveness that I sometimes have experienced has come back, making it difficult to go from point A to point B in a straight line, and making it hard to concentrate and remember. Perhaps this is increased negative effects of weed.
Downsides include having my energy level take a hit. I'm no longer hypomanic which means I don't have that big confidence and motivation boost, and I lost that charm and upbeat euphoria that mania brings. Whoops, back to baseline me.
My performance at work is showing it. Today I did fairly well, but yesterday I didn't do shit. I can only hope my sales stats won't trickle up to the bigheads, who would jump on the opportunity to replace a lowly sales associate with one not so lazy.
I'll hang in here, and respond to posts when I can. I'll keep everyone updated so hopefully someone can learn from my experiences. Till then, regards. 
Edited by poke smot! (09/07/20 03:44 PM)
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poke smot! 
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So it's really fortunate that you were able to find a competant pdoc that you can trust. 
The transition period with the meds will be difficult, but just try to keep your chin up. 
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