Jack London said:

Mine was no uncommon experience. I had read too much positive science and lived too much positive life. In the eagerness of youth I had made the ancient mistake of pursuing Truth too relentlessly. I had torn her veils from her, and the sight was too terrible for me to stand. In brief, I lost my fine faiths in pretty well everything except humanity, and the humanity I retained faith in was a very stark humanity indeed. This long sickness of pessimism is too well known to most of us to be detailed here. Let it suffice to state that I had it very bad. I meditated suicide coolly, as a Greek philosopher might. My regret was that there were too many dependent directly upon me for food and shelter for me to quit living.

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Nietzsche said:

To those human beings who are of any concern to me I wish suffering, desolation, sickness, ill-treatment, indignities - I wish that they should not remain unfamiliar with profound self-contempt, the torture of self-mistrust, the wretchedness of the vanquished: I have no pity for them, because I wish them the only thing that can prove today whether one is worth anything or not - that one endures.

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Kierhegaard  said:

He who is educated by dread [anxiety] is educated by possibility.. When such a person, therefore, goes out from the school of possibility, and knows more thoroughly than a child knows the alphabet that he demands of life absolutely nothing, and that terror, perdition, annihilation dwell next door to every man, and has learned the profitable lesson that every dread which alarms may the next instant become a fact, he will interpret reality differently..

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Jokeshopbeard said:

Yup, absolutely. For the better part of a few years now I've been experiencing what Jack London referred to as 'the long sickness':

Jack London said:

Mine was no uncommon experience. I had read too much positive science and lived too much positive life. In the eagerness of youth I had made the ancient mistake of pursuing Truth too relentlessly. I had torn her veils from her, and the sight was too terrible for me to stand. In brief, I lost my fine faiths in pretty well everything except humanity, and the humanity I retained faith in was a very stark humanity indeed. This long sickness of pessimism is too well known to most of us to be detailed here. Let it suffice to state that I had it very bad. I meditated suicide coolly, as a Greek philosopher might. My regret was that there were too many dependent directly upon me for food and shelter for me to quit living.

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It sounds like you might be suffering with the same. Neitzsche has some interesting words on it:

Nietzsche said:

To those human beings who are of any concern to me I wish suffering, desolation, sickness, ill-treatment, indignities - I wish that they should not remain unfamiliar with profound self-contempt, the torture of self-mistrust, the wretchedness of the vanquished: I have no pity for them, because I wish them the only thing that can prove today whether one is worth anything or not - that one endures.

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And Kierhegaard took it a step further:

Kierhegaard  said:

He who is educated by dread [anxiety] is educated by possibility.. When such a person, therefore, goes out from the school of possibility, and knows more thoroughly than a child knows the alphabet that he demands of life absolutely nothing, and that terror, perdition, annihilation dwell next door to every man, and has learned the profitable lesson that every dread which alarms may the next instant become a fact, he will interpret reality differently..

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I think the long and short of it is, there is no force in life other than the one you're feeling that can catalyse us into the extremes of personal growth, as long as we remain mindful to steer our ship in that direction and not try to lose ourselves to escape it.

Face to the wind (pain), unflinching and brave, it really can make you the best you can be, as much as it fucking hurts.

My heart goes out to you.

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Acuriousmycologist said:

The closest I could liken it to was the dark night of the soul but it's not that at all.

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Jokeshopbeard said:

Acuriousmycologist said:

The closest I could liken it to was the dark night of the soul but it's not that at all.

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What makes you feel so sure?

IME, that dark night takes on many shapes and forms.

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Because I still have faith in the potential of humanity, the beauty of the universe, a supreme power (likely not benevolent or intervening, but universe creating and awe inspiring), and the...I hesitate with the word worship... acknowledgement of that power and Gaia is still helpful and fulfilling.

It's like my heart hurts more than my soul, tho the distinctions probably somewhat arbitrary

You have had your own dark night JSB?

Acuriousmycologist said:

You have had your own dark night JSB?

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Jokeshopbeard said:

Acuriousmycologist said:

You have had your own dark night JSB?

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I believe that I may well still be in the middle of it.

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Acuriousmycologist said:

Think you'll come out?

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Acuriousmycologist said:

Does anyone else get that feeling like it's all just too fucking hard?

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