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Judge and critique my fiction?
    #24066319 -

Auto-Summary
A new writer shares their raw, unfiltered short story draft, "Master Peace," focusing on Anna's abrupt awakening and the judgment she faces from elderly men discussing Viagra. Anna's indifference towards their behavior leads to a confrontation, leaving her emotionally vulnerable. The story delves into Anna's confusion about her identity and her sudden return after five years, revealing a complex family dynamic. Despite the harsh reactions, she finds solace in her newborn son's love, symbolized by the name "Phoenix." The post highlights the raw emotions and challenges of self-discovery, inviting readers to engage with the full piece.

I have had this idea for a short story for awhile now but never began writing it until recently, as i always felt i lacked the necessary life experience to produce anything of significance.
I slightly still feel this way but i have felt like writing the past month or so and here is a piece .

It is called Master Peace, and here is a rough draft of ch.1, tell me what ya think..


Chapter One: Conception
  Who fucking cares!?
Anna's silent thought came as lightning and thundered so loud a grimace cracked through.
Her left eye squinted... Her right eyebrow raised. Her neck stiffened and her chin tucked. Her mouth gaped and her lips contorted.

A group of elderly men were sitting at a table nearby loudly discussing without hibition, their love of Viagra.
"Hot damn, I tell you what...does the trick dandy! The misses tapped out after the third time and I was still goin!" Laughed one of the old men, so hard his wrinkles smiled. He had a cane leaned against his chair and snow-white hair.
A group of young girls, seven or eight, colored in books behind them.

"Unbelievable," She muttered as she faced, full grimace, the group of aged and rowdy men, her mind and body one. 
"Seriously, who fucking cares?"
The men glared. Stunned.
Old.
"You guys are practically shouting! There are children literally right behind you! Watch your mouths!" She sneered loudly. 
The men returned grimace. Their reddened faces, hot with fresh shame, contrasted brightly against their melanin-less hair.
"Oh they don't know! We were ju--"
"Its disgusting." Interrupted Anna, deaf to all excuse.
  They were right and she knew it.
The young girls did not know anything about what the men were discussing, nor did they care. The children were competing to see who could color "the best", none were paying attention.
Not one of the children even glanced in the direction of the verbal scuffle. Lost amongst themselves, they were worlds away from any adults around them.

Anna did not want to know anything about what the men were discussing, nor did she care.
Frankly, she had had enough over-hearing the old pervs, over and over again! It was to much.
As she grew wearily aware of her inability to leave the increasingly crowded area, it was to late.
She had erupted.
The explosion worked. After a brief stare-down, the old men broke eye-contact.

They glanced around the room, nervously with wide-eyes, before glaring at a group of elderly women across the way.
The ladies were distracted. Their shared recipe's and rumoring went uninterrupted during the lashing.
The men, pleased upon this realization, mumbled amongst themselves quietly and scurried out of the exit.

As the door closed behind them, she faintly hears "Whore!" and old-men cackling.
The emboldened Anna sunk back just a bit and their laughter faded with her indifference.
The cruel remark hit her hard, the weight of the blow bringing down her self-prescribed wall of uncaring leaving her saddened and confused.
She figured these people would be happy to see her, after-all, she was thought for dead...missing five years.
I'm even, she thought, bringing new life into this world!

Anna was discovered midday a week ago, unconscious, near the hospital of the small town she went missing in, naked and eight months pregnant.
It was as if someone had just dropped her off, she appeared so suddenly.
When she awoke in the hospital she was amazed to find she was pregnant, she was distraught and in shock that such a long time had passed.
She still thought she was fifteen. 

The last thing she remembered was chasing a light in the sky, she remembered it as if it were yesterday.
"I remember...we thought it was so cool! It was so far, all of a sudden it was right above us, like this rotating disc...and there's this flash..I don't remember anything else..its..well its sort of like a dream now."
Her family did not buy it. Anna's parents had passed away in a car accident a few years after her disappearance and her Aunt Linda was the one who received the phone call and news of the newfound Anna.
"So your telling me she just showed up...and she's eight months pregnant? You sure its her? We had a funeral and everything.." she asked the identifying doctor.
"Guess whatever boyfriend she run off with ain't around," she said before he could respond.
The blunt and offended attitude surprised even him, a bluntman himself.
"She can stay with us I guess but we ain't gonna be held responsible for that baby!"


Her aunt and uncle took her in and hurriedly organized a baby shower, a week after she was found.
It was more like a family reunion, as dozens and dozens of people showed up.
Perhaps a hundred even buzzed about, yet Anna felt alone.
The rumors persisted all around her. The disapproving looks and smug attitudes. The pervy old men.


Nothing was right.
Had things changed this much?
Had things changed at all?
She was a ghost at her own party. Spooking old folk and listening to people talk about her. Like she wasn't there at all.
She felt invisible.

She built and maintained a wall of indifference in response to the apathy of her family. It worked zenfully until her emotions, once protected by a veil of not care, layed bare as the old mans cruel remark pierced the barrier clean to the feels.
Her sadness is profound.
Her water broke with the first tear shed, as a pain followed, her consciousness wavered. 
And although the world faded around her, she no longer felt like a ghost.
Everywhere she looked someone met her eyes with theirs, concerned...caring. She fainted feeling warm.

She awoke to her son by her side, and her heart flooded with love. She had no memory of the labor. A nurse standing nearby noticed her awakening and observed silently.
Dozed on pain killers and high on love, Anna uttered "Phoenix," before flat-lining, dying instantly.











Edited by hTx (09/18/17 12:50 AM)

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Re: Judge and critique my fiction? [Re: hTx]
    #24066338 -

not bad at all, but i think you could expand slightly on the transitions and verbiage but it all really depends on who you are writing for.

would say 8/10


--------------------

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Re: Judge and critique my fiction? [Re: ReposadoXochipilli]
    #24066378 -

>Although she had no idea what he was talking about, something she couldn't place reminded her of his father

It's clear that his father is going to have a piece in the story, but I first read it as "reminded her of her father", which I thought was insightful into the way people and, in particular, women are. Some real David O. Russel shit.
Going into small avenues into peoples' psyche that don't lead anywhere is always an interesting thing to experience in books or movies.

I'm not saying I think you should do this, but maybe the story would be more interesting if you threw in a little chaotic randomness and it was less clear from the start that he'd ever be great, or be good or that things were going to work out.

Also this
>ever the inquisitor
That's more how you think people should write than how people actually talk. There's an adage 'show, don't tell'. I also think, even if you're telling, there's ways to tell that are more conversational.


--------------------
:seriawes:

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Re: Judge and critique my fiction? [Re: DOMO]
    #24615694 -

"thats chapter one.

You want chapter two?
You better you son-of-a-bitch, I know the way."


--------------------
zen by age ten times six hundred lifetimes
Light up the darkness.

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Re: Judge and critique my fiction? [Re: hTx]
    #24615796 -

I like it but i dont think they should be inseparable right away, maybe " that moment a spark" or "faded imaged came to mind".
I feel like its to easy ya know?


--------------------
(when my data is fast play Lemur in chess at chess.com)[ [gradient:#D40B29,#18C418]Any1 expecting a trade from me i havent forgot about you pinky promise, i fr promise shits just shit rt now[/gradient]

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Re: Judge and critique my fiction? [Re: LemurLemur]
    #24615805 -

This story isn't really their story though, or even her story. Chapter 1 is more like a flashback.


--------------------
zen by age ten times six hundred lifetimes
Light up the darkness.

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Re: Judge and critique my fiction? [Re: LemurLemur] * 3
    #24615884 -

LemurLemur said:
I feel like its to easy ya know?


It's pretty generic and basic. There are tense issues. It doesn't seem like you've found the "voice" of your piece, OP.

The beginning is clunky. Most stories, chapters, books are clunky in the beginning so thank god for editing.

It doesn't engage me enough when it starts. And lol what she leaks on her sleeve after advice what? I know I'm high but I don't get it. Your second word being F'ing is off putting so I feel as if I expect some more depth or exposition.. to be like "oh yeah well fuck that too". But fuck what? I'm not invested in the story enough for that word to matter so it's off-putting for no reason.

Using the word "literally" in literature is very odd. By virtue of being written it's already literal so expand your vocab. It sounds, idk, a cheaply made decision to  keep us in some present time? This sounds both like a paper and a story had an idiot kid.

Somehow/someone/something in the few lines of dialog that first come out of Mr P's mouth doesn't sound good.

Missing girl returns after years with memory loss.. super common soap opera stuff.. there better be some serious engagement to springboard far away from that.

You're also really shoving the plot in the reader's face. By the fifth or sixth time of how it's been 5 years it makes me feel like someone wrote it for blind kids who don't read good. We get it already; you don't have to keep rehashing it. And honestly it almost makes me feel like I'm reading it again to learn something new, but I don't, and the different wording and dialogue makes me think I missed something because it keeps getting brought up.

"And just when the..." is just bad writing.

"Hospital she was taken to"*

"Give her some time. She will remember everything in good time" sounds like it's being said by a distracted person.

She's five months pregnant and it's been five years, or was she five months pregnant when they found her?

"Exactly five years to the day" - "Five years to the day".

//

So wait. So at this point, our story remains at the beginning but then jumps back and jumps back again? Or wait is this the beginning and it's been five years since she disappeared but returned five months pregnant? Huh...?

//

Annahs was 15, five months pregnant, found wandering the 16th hole catatonic and put away right? Or is she 20 now and god you've confused me.

//

Why are people afraid and in shock that a missing woman is found pregnant? Is there something else you hinted at but I didn't get?

//

You could turn this into eight paragraphs and 20 lines of dialogue max and still get everything across. I'm not engaged at all into any of these characters histories or issues. By the end of the first chapter you really should set us up for what the thing is gonna be about so we know if we wanna read more. At least by the third but I wouldn't consider this a chapter, and naming it before finishing it seems like you had the name set already and the story that came out was a little different.

I'm not trying to be a dick or flame you. You asked.. so please don't take it the wrong way. I'd give someone in a freshman creative writing class a D- on this if it was an assignment.

I'm just some other asshole on the Internet, but you should keep writing and keep improving your skills, and continue reading fiction and non-fiction to develop your voice and also the voice of your different characters. Not only their voice as spoken, but their "voice" as for why they exist in the story and what they're headed for or preparing for and how it may or may not effect other people depending on outcomes and why would the reader care, and how do you make them while entertaining them?

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Re: Judge and critique my fiction? [Re: Adden] * 1
    #24615891 -

Adden said:
LemurLemur said:
I feel like its to easy ya know?


It's pretty generic and basic. There are tense issues. It doesn't seem like you've found the "voice" of your piece, OP.

The beginning is clunky. Most stories, chapters, books are clunky in the beginning so thank god for editing.

It doesn't engage me enough when it starts. And lol what she leaks on her sleeve after advice what? I know I'm high but I don't get it. Your second word being F'ing is off putting so I feel as if I expect some more depth or exposition.. to be like "oh yeah well fuck that too". But fuck what? I'm not invested in the story enough for that word to matter so it's off-putting for no reason.

Using the word "literally" in literature is very odd. By virtue of being written it's already literal so expand your vocab. It sounds, idk, a cheaply made decision to  keep us in some present time? This sounds both like a paper and a story had an idiot kid.

Somehow/someone/something in the few lines of dialog that first come out of Mr P's mouth doesn't sound good.

Missing girl returns after years with memory loss.. super common soap opera stuff.. there better be some serious engagement to springboard far away from that.

You're also really shoving the plot in the reader's face. By the fifth or sixth time of how it's been 5 years it makes me feel like someone wrote it for blind kids who don't read good. We get it already; you don't have to keep rehashing it. And honestly it almost makes me feel like I'm reading it again to learn something new, but I don't, and the different wording and dialogue makes me think I missed something because it keeps getting brought up.

"And just when the..." is just bad writing.

"Hospital she was taken to"*

"Give her some time. She will remember everything in good time" sounds like it's being said by a distracted person.

She's five months pregnant and it's been five years, or was she five months pregnant when they found her?

"Exactly five years to the day" - "Five years to the day".

//

So wait. So at this point, our story remains at the beginning but then jumps back and jumps back again? Or wait is this the beginning and it's been five years since she disappeared but returned five months pregnant? Huh...?

//

Annahs was 15, five months pregnant, found wandering the 16th hole catatonic and put away right? Or is she 20 now and god you've confused me.

//

Why are people afraid and in shock that a missing woman is found pregnant? Is there something else you hinted at but I didn't get?

//

You could turn this into eight paragraphs and 20 lines of dialogue max and still get everything across. I'm not engaged at all into any of these characters histories or issues. By the end of the first chapter you really should set us up for what the thing is gonna be about so we know if we wanna read more. At least by the third but I wouldn't consider this a chapter, and naming it before finishing it seems like you had the name set already and the story that came out was a little different.

I'm not trying to be a dick or flame you. You asked.. so please don't take it the wrong way. I'd give someone in a freshman creative writing class a D- on this if it was an assignment.

I'm just some other asshole on the Internet, but you should keep writing and keep improving your skills, and continue reading fiction and non-fiction to develop your voice and also the voice of your different characters. Not only their voice as spoken, but their "voice" as for why they exist in the story and what they're headed for or preparing for and how it may or may not effect other people depending on outcomes and why would the reader care, and how do you make them while entertaining them?


I'll bet your an english major adden

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Re: Judge and critique my fiction? [Re: Cyrus19]
    #24615954 -

Earned an MA in comparative literature.. studied literary theory, gender and sexuality, Elizabethan/Jacobean eras, French/German, social discourse, couple of other things. Creative writing minor in my undergrad. 3.92 GPA. I got an A- in a class. Undergrad GPA was a 3.6 something, which I ended up being bummed about because of time and money electives that weren't interesting or engaging. I ended up taking some public relations and communication classes for credits towards completion. Tutored in my spare time for a couple years but never filed it as taxes so it doesn't show up on work history background checks which sucks. I did free tutoring on Saturday nights between classes but that was just to help out other people in the program.

Been published a few times in my life and have written hundreds of articles and press releases and news or announcements. A couple $50 checks for short stories and a lot of free submissions. Nothing big from publishing companies or anything. Most from private organizations, businesses, institutions etc. in marketing and event solutions.

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Re: Judge and critique my fiction? [Re: hTx] * 1
    #24616047 -

It's not very good for all of the reasons that Adden mentioned as well as some others. First and foremost, the genre. No one actually reads literature or stories just about people doing things, or at least there is no real market and 99% of people don't like stories like this. You need to find a genre: scifi, fantasy, romance, police thriller, something along those lines that people actually read and enjoy.

Quote:
Annahs thought to herself was beginning to leak on her sleeve.


Stuff like this is classic poor writing, and to begin the story with it is not good. First of all, her name should not end in an h, as this is rare and purposeless in such a common name. Anna would have been a fine name, Annah is a terrible name. Second, this sentence is a classic mixed metaphor based on a cliche. It's not clever, it'll cause anyone who does a lot of reading to facepalm due to the cliche alone.

Much of the story is written mostly in present tense, but contains some mixed tense. Never mix tense, always pick one and stick to it.. Stories are almost never written in present tense, and many people hate it, and for good reason. It's like writing a story in second person; unless you're already a famous author who knows what they're doing, you should never write a story in present tense.

The story also contains various points where you simply tell us what the character is thinking, and to make matters worse there isn't even any clear narrative transition between the two, and so the writing has a kind of strange haphazard disorganized feeling as a result. Remember, show don't tell, you shouldn't just straight up tell us what your character is thinking. Instead, reveal their internal state by showing us through your character's actions and words.

This story is also far too dramatic and takes itself too seriously. She falls down on a hole on a golf course near enough to a hole to fall on a flag? This is ridiculous and the fact that the story takes it seriously makes it worse. Similarly, Shawn Peace (awful last name) is refered to as "Mr Peace" at various points which is bad especially because "Annah" is always refered to as "Annah." Why the difference? If you think there's a good reason, you're wrong. There's no good reason to do this, especially not here in this particular story. It's either "Annah" and "Shawn" or it's "Ms whatever" and "Mr Peace."

This is not how "amnesia" works. Read up on the subject of memory loss before you write about it. Know what you write about. That doesn't mean write about yourself, that means do research so you actually know what you're talking about. This "amnesia" plotline is cliche, unrealistic, and medically inaccurate. If this were scifi or fantasy, we might forgive a tiny bit of that, but it isn't. You've explicitly written a realistic type story with an unrealistic and cliche plotline.

Mr. Peace's reaction to Annah and her reaction to him are also not very realistic.

The motives of all involved, especially at the end of the story and especially "from that moment they were unseperable" are wildly unrealistic. She has no reason to stay with him, or him with her, they don't know each other anymore, people change after years apart, he after five years separate from her would have moved on with his life and would not necessarily welcome her, she would have absolutely no reason or motivation to go with him... I could go on and on. It's wildly, wildly unrealistic, unbelievable and inaccurate. They have no chemistry, they spend no time together, they have no reason to stay together.

Finally, there is no character development in this story. None of the characters evolve or change, we learn very little about them, they are flat and 2 dimensional as a result.

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Re: Judge and critique my fiction? [Re: nooneman] * 3
    #24616070 -

:whathesaid:

It's also titled as Master Peace. :lol: It's so bad it's good haha I'm sorry OP if I came across as rude by giving an honest critique. If you're retarded or something then great job I love it. If not, well.. here we are.

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Re: Judge and critique my fiction? [Re: Adden]
    #24616623 -

give him a break, he is just a novice- but a fair critique is a fair critique.

but you can't expect gold out of a novice, you guys should have noted SOME positives, damn....

PS: OP, if you like writing, i'd suggest writing poems, they are fun exercises and you can be kinda as creative as you want, within reason, you can get away with more, in a sense...plus, you don't have to go for something so formal or professional to get positive feedback.

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Re: Judge and critique my fiction? [Re: akira_akuma] * 1
    #24617392 -

Its okay.

I mean, I feel I am making progress.
I totally redid the original chapter which I posted over 6 months ago (that chapter was pretty corny).
Yet this one, however terrible, is getting a much more honest critique.

meaning this chapter must be a bit more captivating than the original, however terrible it seems, its progress none-the-less.
Much of what I wrote was intended to be cliche as a means to mislead the reader going into chapter 2.
As well, the characters introduced in Ch. 1 are meant to remain static, being one of the dynamic main characters parents and what-not.


I was attempting to establish the main characters origins as completely mysterious early on, as well,
Ch. 1 is deliberately lame because the subject matter deals with a time-line a generation in the past. Kids are always calling out their parents lame and cliche ways, so ch. 1 was an attempt to capture that in a not so obvious way.

The goal was to  be lame and cliche enough to accurately represent any younger generations feelings towards past generations yet remain interesting and mysterious enough for the reader to make it to chapter 2.

Perhaps I am a bit ambitious in my attempt.
What can I say? these types of literary techniques have always fascinated me.

I will post chapter 2 tomorrow, and revise chapter one tonight.

It is a science fiction, the reader just doesn't know it yet.


--------------------
zen by age ten times six hundred lifetimes
Light up the darkness.

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Re: Judge and critique my fiction? [Re: hTx]
    #24617411 -

I chose Annah as a throwback to a character in Joyces Finnegans Wake, "Annah the All-Amaziful."


This book eventually delves deep into what it means to dream and what dreams could mean.
As Finnegans Wake is about a dream, I used her name in an attempt at hidden metaphor (unsure if this is the actual literary term)
In fact, much of ch. 1 is an attempt at hidden metaphor in the form of dual-meaning prose..

Its meant to be a bit comical in this sense, I guess I need to work on making it a bit less dramatic.

example:
Mr. Peace (implying a father figure)

" loudly banging their head. "Fuck!" (loudly banging. head. fuck.)

The I dos at the end, implying eventual marriage, etc, etc.

Chapter 1 is full of this type of literary fluff, however they seem to be going largely unrecognized.

Edited by hTx (09/10/17 03:29 AM)

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Re: Judge and critique my fiction? [Re: hTx]
    #24637828 -

utterly revised chapter. 1 -


i'll post chapter 2. after work.


--------------------
zen by age ten times six hundred lifetimes
Light up the darkness.

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Re: Judge and critique my fiction? [Re: hTx]
    #24637929 -

Your first line is off-putting. The group of elderly men are strangers to one another or Annah? That entire opening interaction was unpleasant and it made me want to stop reading immediately. You need a better introduction. The scene was good, but it was just too much too soon.

Edited by Ghosthaze (09/17/17 02:37 PM)

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Re: Judge and critique my fiction? [Re: Ghosthaze]
    #24639514 -

Yeah, even after three revisions my introduction remains off-putting, so I'm gonna have to move it further down into the story or scrap it completely.

The second word being "fucking" has not settled well with anyone in any revision... the point was to emphasize her frustration early on and also sort of foreshadow and reflect her family's apathy as well as her own feelings of indifference.  feelings she resolves at the end of the chapter.
In some evidently horrid attempt to be poetic, I'm also addressing the general apathy of humanity, calling out the reader so to speak.


However, nobody seems to dig what I'm trying to do there so obviously I'm doing it wrong. 

I'll try and tone it down a bit.


So was it just the first line or the dialogue with the old men  and Viagra that made you want to stop reading?

Did you finish it?


--------------------
zen by age ten times six hundred lifetimes
Light up the darkness.

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Re: Judge and critique my fiction? [Re: hTx]
    #24639780 -

Moving parts around in fiction == move them to the garbage bin.

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Re: Judge and critique my fiction? [Re: Adden]
    #24639831 -

Adden said:
:whathesaid:

It's also titled as Master Peace. :lol: It's so bad it's good haha I'm sorry OP if I came across as rude by giving an honest critique. If you're retarded or something then great job I love it. If not, well.. here we are.


:canthelpbutlaugh:


--------------------
I'm stupid, Enlil is smart.
I'm ugly, Enlil is beautiful.
I'm a loser, Enlil is a winner.
Someday, I hope to be like Enlil but secretly know I never will.

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Re: Judge and critique my fiction? [Re: Adden]
    #24639858 -

Adden said:
Moving parts around in fiction == move them to the garbage bin.


could easiily but then id never finish.  im sticking with most of the above as ch. 1,  save a few more drafts to condense where possible. 

do you see the improvement?


--------------------
zen by age ten times six hundred lifetimes
Light up the darkness.

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