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I got bored and tried to write some standup comedy.... * 2
    #23934945 -

I don't think its very good, so have at it everyone, how unfunny am I?


Shitty Situation.
I was fucking a girl in the ass pulled out to cum. And she defecated all over my dick. Now that’s what I call a shitty situation.

Crazy girlfriend.
I dated this girl for awhile, sweet short chubby girl, like a retired softball players physique. Massive tits..Anyway sweet girl but when she'd drink enough it was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde man. This switch would go off and she'd like turn into the Manchurian candidate. you know just a blank zoned out death stare. Target acquired. Lets kill this mother fucker type shit. And most the time this would happen when we got home after a long night of drinking so I was the one that would to withstand her wrath of chaos. I'm mean this bitch was BIG. And fought with the force of a man but the dirtiness of a girl. Like she'd bum rush me and go for the nut kick but as I'm trying to deflect this low strike here comes a haymaker outta nowhere to the side of your dome that would rock you so hard it would make your ears ring. And me being raised the way I am. I never hit her back. That’s what I was taught. You just don’t hit women end of story. No explanation needed. But not until you have come across a situation like this does the thought of under certain situations that it is sociably expectable to hit a women becomes a more rational thought. I mean where's the harm in a quick jab to the nose? At the very least maybe  it could make her retreat from attack. I don’t know its supposed to work with sharks, bears, and other predatory animals, why the fuck wouldn’t it work on a ragging bitch.

Religious People in Disguise.
70% of Americans affiliate themselves with the Christian religion. This is a real statistic. That’s a lot of fucking people.  Now I'm not exactly up to date on  what these newer age more logical Christians believe, I don’t ask, I don’t care,  you guys lost me a long time ago with the man in the sky, heaven and hell speech. I mean come on, was six years old and saw straight through that bull shit. My brain just can't comprehend how 70% of society bases their beliefs off basically what's a bunch of fan fiction compiled over the centuries. This just ruins everyday conversation for me cause at some point I wonder to myself  "Is this one of the few people with logical reasoning or one of these idiots that whole's life premise is the chorus  for a shitty 80's pop song. "Cause I gotta have faith…..I gotta have…… faith." No you George Michael mother fucker I  gotta have facts!


I got more stuff too. I have entirely too much free time.


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:mushroomgrow: list of teks I find useful :mushroomgrow:

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Re: I got bored and tried to write some standup comedy.... [Re: SpaceDawg]
    #23934994 -

Not bad.


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Check out my generic dating app I made :rockon: :mushroom2:    I make some music

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Re: I got bored and tried to write some standup comedy.... [Re: lifeiswhatyoumake]
    #23935050 -

The last one wasnt bad.

Id scrap the first two honestly. Maybe they need to be preformed to be funny but id just move on. Keep working though. Good luck man.

Edited by BANANA.MAN (12/17/16 10:44 AM)

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Re: I got bored and tried to write some standup comedy.... [Re: SpaceDawg]
    #23935079 -

Dicks & Shit, Domestic Violence and Religion. 

A little dicey, but I'm still listening.


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ga ga ga eets eets how you gone be mad on vacation?
MONICA COULDN'T TELL TIME UNTIL SHE WAS 13

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Re: I got bored and tried to write some standup comedy.... [Re: BANANA.MAN]
    #23935087 -

BANANA.MAN said:
The last one wasnt bad.

Id scrap the first two honestly. Maybe they need to be preformed to be funny but id just move on. Keep working though. Good luck man.


Keep writing, your last joke is a banger
1st joke is bad imo.


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Anyone got a lowpass filter in this biiiiash?

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Re: I got bored and tried to write some standup comedy.... [Re: shadyy] * 1
    #23935088 -

After the first joke, when nobody laughs, wait a bit then say "oh was that a shitty joke"? then wait some more, and when the audience starts booing, get mad and tell them to go fuck themselves.

Second joke needs to be filthier.

Scrap the third joke. would've worked in the early 1980s but its the 2016s now.

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Re: I got bored and tried to write some standup comedy.... [Re: BANANA.MAN]
    #23935089 -

yes the first one is a horrible pun. lol

Im attached to the second one cause its so personal...and i just think the punchline is kinda funny....idk though your probably right.


heres some more

Religion = Insanity   
Religion is just a scape goat for being insane. As soon as I start talking about "how there's this man in the sky who created all, seen and unseen including mankind. And he set forth a strict code of conduct we must follow, if you fail to do so you will be damned to a hellish existence for all of  eternity. As for hard facts I have none just a book written along fucking time ago but we must have faith or we are fucked!" They are going to start pumping me full of antipsychotics hoping to bring me out of the  delusional state I am in and back to a rational plain of existence. But nooo instead you fuckers get walk around like seemingly normal people believing this shit blending in with the minority of logical thinkers that base there beliefs off facts and science. Like you might have and atheist friend. You guys get along, have him over for dinner some times, go out for a beer. Tag team a prostitute. I don’t know. Christians these days seem pretty loose. That mean at some point in that friendship you had thought, "poor fuck, Garry just doesn’t get it. If only he would except god into his life he wouldn’t have to burn in hell, oh well not much I can do, I hope he makes baked ziti for the next potluck that shit is phenomenal."

Cults as a tool for population control.
I'm pro suicide cult. Now here me out on this. It’s a fact that one of our biggest problems on this planet is population to resources ratio. What if we had government funded cult programs. You’re a sociopath with a god complex, great you get funding from the government they set you up with a compound TV adds the whole spread. Make this information readily available to all of society.  You see where I'm going with this right? It would kinda just turn into a voluntary genocide. And know one gets hurt, well that’s not exactly the case. But everyone would be happy all the gullible fucks would be ecstatic that once they kill themselves they will be re united with there celestial leader once again, and everyone else with a half functioning brain would have a traffic free commute to work in the morning.


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:mushroomgrow: list of teks I find useful :mushroomgrow:

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Re: I got bored and tried to write some standup comedy.... [Re: rudebuoy]
    #23935095 -

rudebuoy said:
After the first joke, when nobody laughs, wait a bit then say "oh was that a shitty joke"? then wait some more, and when the audience starts booing, get mad and tell them to go fuck themselves.

Second joke needs to be filthier.

Scrap the third joke. would've worked in the early 1980s but its the 2016s now.


I had an add on that went: "I couldn't deal with that crap so I left."
idk why I have such a infatuation for horrible puns.


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:mushroomgrow: list of teks I find useful :mushroomgrow:

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Re: I got bored and tried to write some standup comedy.... [Re: SpaceDawg]
    #23935097 -

thanks for all the feed back guys so far guys. keep it coming.


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:mushroomgrow: list of teks I find useful :mushroomgrow:

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Re: I got bored and tried to write some standup comedy.... [Re: SpaceDawg]
    #23935100 -

I cant handle two anti religion jokes back to back it just comes across as contrived.
I know thats not how youd read them on stage but still.

The cult one is weak, might be good subject matter if you reworked it and tied it to a current event or something


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Re: I got bored and tried to write some standup comedy.... [Re: ModestMouse]
    #23935106 -

One of my favorites
His delivery is second to none right now


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Re: I got bored and tried to write some standup comedy.... [Re: ModestMouse]
    #23935131 -

Noted. yeah its all just kinda my mind vomit, it all needs work. I like the cult one's premise too, but i agree it is weak and poorly worded. the idea is funny in my head, I just can't figure out convey it properly. writing jokes for me is hard. but id like to hone my skills enough that I could make an enjoyable hobby out of doing standup locally every now and then.


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:mushroomgrow: list of teks I find useful :mushroomgrow:

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Re: I got bored and tried to write some standup comedy.... [Re: ModestMouse]
    #23935151 -

ModestMouse said:
One of my favorites
His delivery is second to none right now



dudes funny as shit.


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:mushroomgrow: list of teks I find useful :mushroomgrow:

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Re: I got bored and tried to write some standup comedy.... [Re: SpaceDawg]
    #23935159 -

You should write more for sure
Dont get discouraged by me im just trying to be critical to help you.

Ive always wanted to write standup but tbh im too much of a lazy sack of shit.


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Re: I got bored and tried to write some standup comedy.... [Re: ModestMouse]
    #23935173 -

Thanks MM. I really do appreciate the criticisms. writings really hard for me but i enjoy it. its a fun challenge.


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:mushroomgrow: list of teks I find useful :mushroomgrow:

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