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Unfolding Nature Shop: Unfolding Nature: Being in the Implicate Order

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Re: My grandma who I've taken care of everyday will die any day now,I'm sad [Re: moonrockmushy]
    #22063783 -

Bodhi of Ankou said:
It hurts, but it hurts much less when you accept it for what it is.


Very very true,like I said it didn't hit home the gravity and reality of the situation until I saw her stop breathing. I freaked out, prepared to do c.p.r. because I am c.p.r. certified but before I did anything I realized the best thing is just to come to real terms that she will be gone soon and there's not a goddamn thing I can do about it. Even harder to realize is that it really is best for her to pass as soon as possible .

Now that I have been shaken and cried a lot I'm starting to except it for what it is but it's still very hard just waiting for the end


I wish I could quote everyone that has posted in this thread because each of you has really truly comforted me,makes me feel not so alone or that my gma wasn't specifically struck with Alzheimer's(sounds silly but idk anyone irl that had it in the family)
Also Alzheimers runs in the family my grandpa had it,2 uncles had it,1 aunt and now Nana.

This makes me want to start some sort of charity or foundation to raise awareness or maybe raise money for research.Do something positive ya know.

Also I know all to well that this is a horrible time to be a dope addict because it's hugely gotten in the way of grieving properly. That's one of the things about addiction though it doesn't stop for family tragedies.

Honestly I wish I were clean right now but I have a feeling that it is something I will have to work on seriously after this. I've been battling opiate addiction for years really and I want out.
moonrockmushy said:
Yeah I had to call 911 for my gramma 2 days ago since she thought she was dying of a heart attack :crazy: She's in treatment for a brain tumor and has had all sorts of health problems.

They've had her on steroids which kinda perked her up a bunch, but my mom calls me to say my gramma thinks she's having a heart attack, so I go over and she's all moaning and clenching her chest, so I call 911 without thinking.  When the paramedics get there though she is pissed, and I have to badger her into going to the hospital.  She's like, "I can't go to the hospital I have radiation in the morning", and the EMT goes, "Well you're not going to make it if you're dead." which was was a but funny at the time and maybe inappropriate but also true.

It's hard to see someone so stubborn and independent go through all that.  I know she feels like she's putting people out, but it's really not a big deal for me to hang out at the hospital and make sure she's ok.  I just feel kinda bad because she'll pressure all of us not to call 911 or get her help, but when shit happens what am I supposed to do :shrug: she hates to ask for help but I'm not going to sit there and watch anyone in such pain not get treatment.


Damn that is tough man, something similar happened to my dad a few years ago, he had some chest pains,we tried to get him to the hospital and he didn't 2 days later he was on life support and being 17 at the time I had to sign all the papers regarding when to pull the plug,whether or not to move him away to a board and care and other terrible decisions. He ended up recovering but it's maddening when you want to help your elders/family and they dont take the help and end up in bad situations because of it. At the same time you have to respect their stubborness. Much love moon :hug: :heart:


My nanas circulatory system is starting to shut down,she's emaciated,gaunt,weak,breathing uncomfortably,her limbs and feet are turning a wierd purply color. It's hell to watch. Luckily she doesn't know whats going on except we found out hearing is the last thing to go,so periodically my mom and I will tell her she is in her room, at her house,surrounded by the people she loves and everything is okay. I sure hope this has helped. Really though who knows :shrug:

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Re: My grandma who I've taken care of everyday will die any day now,I'm sad [Re: Seriously_trippin] * 4
    #22064017 -

She just passed, isn't suffering anymore but life won't be the same without her :cry:

At least she isn't suffering anymore, I'm at a complete loss for words. Relieved that she isn't suffering but I'm traumatized that she isn't part of my daily life anymore. In spirit and in memory she will though


R.I.P Beverly Twomey  "Nana" I will love you forever more then you will ever know.


--------------------
R.I.P
Zombi3, Blue Helix
Modest Mouse
Zappa, Jellyfish
Slothie
That Kid With The face
ShLong
Le Canard
split_by_nine
& Big Worm Forever
Etched in the sands of time in the shroomery and ever so beloved and deeply missed by many :heart:

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Re: My grandma who I've taken care of everyday will die any day now,I'm sad [Re: Seriously_trippin]
    #22064040 -

:hug:

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Re: My grandma who I've taken care of everyday will die any day now,I'm sad [Re: Seriously_trippin]
    #22064048 -

Will be rough, try to avoid the tendency to self destruct. Try not to make any decision based on emotion but by using the logic filter you had before her loss. Will be very easy to slip into a self destructive pit of despair, but try to hang on. In a few months you'll look back on this day and realize you always had it in you to get through it, and you will get through it. I've been there so I know how hard it's going to seem.


--------------------
With my face against the floor I can’t see who knocked me out of the way.
I don’t want to get back up but I have to so it might as well be today.
Nothing appeals to me no one feels like me, I’m too busy being calm to disappear.
I’m in no shape to be alone contrary to the shit that you might hear.


You can't wake up, this is not a dream. You're part of a machine, you are not a human being
With your face all made up, living on a screen. Low on self esteem, so you run on gasoline

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Re: My grandma who I've taken care of everyday will die any day now,I'm sad [Re: Seriously_trippin]
    #22064050 -

Rip :peace::heart:

she went on a beautiful day


--------------------
https://discord.gg/NHHd5y2Uyv

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Re: My grandma who I've taken care of everyday will die any day now,I'm sad [Re: Seriously_trippin]
    #22064491 -

Seriously_trippin said:
She just passed, isn't suffering anymore but life won't be the same without her :cry:

At least she isn't suffering anymore, I'm at a complete loss for words. Relieved that she isn't suffering but I'm traumatized that she isn't part of my daily life anymore. In spirit and in memory she will though


R.I.P Beverly Twomey  "Nana" I will love you forever more then you will ever know.


Shes free :rose:


My deepest love :heart:
:hug:

youlle come to peace..
i know i did with my best friend of a grandmother
tearing up thinking about, happy tears though


--------------------
:sunny::inlove::peyotespectrum::peyotespectrum::inlove::sunny:
And to everyone who thinks life is just a game,
Do you like the part you are playing?
This is the time in life I am living!
And I face each day with a smile :smile:
My music Library of Synthesizer goodness

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Re: My grandma who I've taken care of everyday will die any day now,I'm sad [Re: Seriously_trippin]
    #22064581 -

Yeah it's rough man but make sure you're taking care of yourself :hug: She was one of the lucky ones really, as ugly as death is, because it sounds like she had a great family who loved her.  That is the most any of us can do, so make sure you do right by the ones you still got.  Love is the only thing to make up for the pains of this world in the end. :peace:

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Re: My grandma who I've taken care of everyday will die any day now,I'm sad [Re: moonrockmushy]
    #22065843 -

Yeah,she really was treated like royalty in our house and we gave her everything humanly possible that we could,I have a very close very loving family.I'm super fortunate to have this. I will always keep her alive in memory and hopefully in a month or 2 I can remember the good times better by seeing pictures and remembering stories from when I was a kid through now. She has been in my life since age 3 so I also grew up with her taking care of me and my best friend who I considered a brother so she always called him grandson. He called me when he found out and was bawling,I needed to talk to him because she really did raise both of us and called him her grandson until he moved to texas.

It hit home that she had affected so many lives and my grief is shared. 14 individual friends of mine took the time to personally tell me how  much she affected their lives and how almost everyone I know is loving and supporting me right now. The outpouring of love in a group a friends that have moved,married,had kids,separated over time etc My uncle and my cousin(his son) have been estranged for a long time and they got together and had quality time,in the wake of this big impact in our lives.

Something I'm going to try and do in her honor is getting off of opiates and getting healthier.For the longest time I dodn't walk outside because I didn't want to leave her for more then a few minutes and so I never really did unless I made a plan to go out.

I want to give Christianity another try but unfortunately I have grown far away from the church and any faith in general. It's just one of Nana biggest wishes is that I get baptized because my family believes you can't get into heaven unless you're baptized. I gotta do whats right for me.


Anyway it's about 5am it's been a very long day night /morning. I'm going to try and get some sleep


--------------------
R.I.P
Zombi3, Blue Helix
Modest Mouse
Zappa, Jellyfish
Slothie
That Kid With The face
ShLong
Le Canard
split_by_nine
& Big Worm Forever
Etched in the sands of time in the shroomery and ever so beloved and deeply missed by many :heart:

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Re: My grandma who I've taken care of everyday will die any day now,I'm sad [Re: Seriously_trippin]
    #22065855 -

Very sorry for your loss.

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Re: My grandma who I've taken care of everyday will die any day now,I'm sad [Re: Seriously_trippin]
    #22065933 -

Damn dude. This hits home for me. My grandma treated me better than my mother ever did, I like to think about her as my mom to be honest. All the kindest aspects of me comes from her, which came from my father. Though she has been gone a lone time I still think about her, my heart is always open for her as it is for you. My deepest condolences and regrets, she sounds like a wonderful lady. Be glad you had someone like her in your life, not all of us get that. I hope all the best for you.

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Re: My grandma who I've taken care of everyday will die any day now,I'm sad [Re: Seriously_trippin]
    #22065941 -

Seriously_trippin said:
She just passed, isn't suffering anymore but life won't be the same without her :cry:

At least she isn't suffering anymore, I'm at a complete loss for words. Relieved that she isn't suffering but I'm traumatized that she isn't part of my daily life anymore. In spirit and in memory she will though


R.I.P Beverly Twomey  "Nana" I will love you forever more then you will ever know.


:hug: Stay strong.


--------------------
Pain is temporary. It may last for a minute or an hour or a day or even a year but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it will last forever.

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Re: My grandma who I've taken care of everyday will die any day now,I'm sad [Re: daz01]
    #22066006 -

Requiescat in pace


--------------------

Diminish the sub-principle and leave its toxic trace..
Once and for all!

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Re: My grandma who I've taken care of everyday will die any day now,I'm sad [Re: OhMrJohnson]
    #22079767 -

Thanks guys, I'm having a really tough time with this. I haven't been sleeping, every night I have nightmares,I haven't had an appetite, before today I haven't showered since then. I got blackout drunk the other night with some homies and chicks. I had a lot if fun but next morning I still had debilitating grief and shock. I have chest pains all the time.


--------------------
R.I.P
Zombi3, Blue Helix
Modest Mouse
Zappa, Jellyfish
Slothie
That Kid With The face
ShLong
Le Canard
split_by_nine
& Big Worm Forever
Etched in the sands of time in the shroomery and ever so beloved and deeply missed by many :heart:

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Re: My grandma who I've taken care of everyday will die any day now,I'm sad [Re: Seriously_trippin]
    #22079779 -

you are greiving man, it's normal. just don't go too hard, ok?

you know i've been pretty anxious lately. sometimes when i clear my head, close my eyes and focus all my thoughts and energy on my breathing it helps me calm down. maybe this can help you take a step back from the pain you are experiencing right now. everything will be ok brother :hug:

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Re: My grandma who I've taken care of everyday will die any day now,I'm sad [Re: Seriously_trippin]
    #22079812 -

Seriously_trippin said:
Thanks guys, I'm having a really tough time with this. I haven't been sleeping, every night I have nightmares,I haven't had an appetite, before today I haven't showered since then. I got blackout drunk the other night with some homies and chicks. I had a lot if fun but next morning I still had debilitating grief and shock. I have chest pains all the time.


I hate to the bearer of bad news, but I've been plagued by nightmares since my brother was murdered. Was well over 10 years now. The only good news is after a certain point they just become normal and the fear factor fades away drastically. Sooner or later they become equal with just the normal dreams you had before it. This isn't guaranteed to happen, but just thought I'd give you a heads up.

As for getting black out drunk, believe me I understand. I was an alcoholic before my grandma died, but it went into overdrive when she did. I was going through 12 + beers a night and those were only used as chasers for the 750ml of whiskey I'd drink in one or two days (usually 1). All it did was make a bad situation far worse. Me telling you not to do it, isn't going to stop you from doing it, but if you can somehow avoid it now, I can almost guarantee it will be better for you in the long run. No good will come of it. That's pretty much specifically why I told you to try and hold on rather than fall into a pit of despair.

People use drugs to numb the pain, but no one in that mind state is ever thinking clearly. The longer you use into total oblivion, the longer it will take you to heal. You are not facing the problem when you're getting too fucked up to really care. You're only delaying your pain. You won't get over it until you can allow yourself to fully feel it and work through it.

Just hang in there. I know shit is rough. The sooner you allow yourself to deal with it without some crutch to take the pain away, the sooner you will get through it.


--------------------
With my face against the floor I can’t see who knocked me out of the way.
I don’t want to get back up but I have to so it might as well be today.
Nothing appeals to me no one feels like me, I’m too busy being calm to disappear.
I’m in no shape to be alone contrary to the shit that you might hear.


You can't wake up, this is not a dream. You're part of a machine, you are not a human being
With your face all made up, living on a screen. Low on self esteem, so you run on gasoline

Edited by Shroomslip (08/12/15 05:05 AM)

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Re: My grandma who I've taken care of everyday will die any day now,I'm sad [Re: Shroomslip]
    #22080980 -

Seriously_trippin said:
Thanks guys, I'm having a really tough time with this. I haven't been sleeping, every night I have nightmares,I haven't had an appetite, before today I haven't showered since then. I got blackout drunk the other night with some homies and chicks. I had a lot if fun but next morning I still had debilitating grief and shock. I have chest pains all the time.


Have you talked to anyone offline about this?

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Re: My grandma who I've taken care of everyday will die any day now,I'm sad [Re: moonrockmushy]
    #22082771 -

Barely, I've talked to my mom and dad since she passed and got drunk  with a best friend of mine. However ATM I just wanna be with my parents and not talk much to any friends or anything. It's going to take a while for sure. I'm going back to my psychologist on Tuesday.


--------------------
R.I.P
Zombi3, Blue Helix
Modest Mouse
Zappa, Jellyfish
Slothie
That Kid With The face
ShLong
Le Canard
split_by_nine
& Big Worm Forever
Etched in the sands of time in the shroomery and ever so beloved and deeply missed by many :heart:

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Re: My grandma who I've taken care of everyday will die any day now,I'm sad [Re: Seriously_trippin]
    #22082849 -

Shroomslip said:
I hate to the bearer of bad news, but I've been plagued by nightmares since my brother was murdered. Was well over 10 years now.


Damn man, I'm really sorry to hear that regarding your brother.

Quote:
Seriously_trippin said:It's going to take a while for sure.


Yeah hang in there, bud. Time won't ever heal the wound completely -- but it will help. The wound is just really fresh right now. As time goes on though things will slowly gravitate their way to being normal again. Well, more normal anyway.


--------------------
:niffla:

ACADEMY AWARD WINNING ACTOR
WG32 KILLED HOFFA
PROFESSIONAL BALL BUFFERER
WORST NEIGHBORHOOD YARD OF 2026 WINNER
OTD’S FORMER PRODIGAL SON
TODAY IS BEER DAY

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Re: My grandma who I've taken care of everyday will die any day now,I'm sad [Re: Seriously_trippin]
    #22082971 -

:bunnyhug:


when i lost my grandmother in '06 it really messed with my brains, was my first close experience with a truly close loved one passing.


i know the feels


--------------------
EVERYTHING EVENTUALLY BECOMES A DESERT


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Re: My grandma who I've taken care of everyday will die any day now,I'm sad [Re: Nifflerz]
    #22089933 -

Niffla said:
Shroomslip said:
I hate to the bearer of bad news, but I've been plagued by nightmares since my brother was murdered. Was well over 10 years now.


Damn man, I'm really sorry to hear that regarding your brother.

Quote:
Seriously_trippin said:It's going to take a while for sure.


Yeah hang in there, bud. Time won't ever heal the wound completely -- but it will help. The wound is just really fresh right now. As time goes on though things will slowly gravitate their way to being normal again. Well, more normal anyway.


God I hope so things are just getting worse it seems,been angry and explosive today when I shouldn't have been.Worse it was with my mom who is also grieving. I thoroughly apologized and told her how I felt and how broken I am from this and really talked to her about how profoundly this is affecting me. She understood but I really need to learn how to move past this and I have no idea how I'm going to be able to because things just seem to be getting worse and worse.

I'm seeing my therapist Tuesday. I haven't seen since my mental breakdown in 10th grade. I went crazy at that point and right now that sounds like a cake walk compared to this. So I'm trying to do things to get me through one day without deep deep emotional pain. I hope time will heal this because I don't know if anything else can.

As I mentioned I will be trying hard to get over this opiate addiction which is making everything worse but when I try to stop, the grieving and withdraws together makes me want to go over the edge.

I feel so goddamn hopeless and I can't find any happiness right now,it's hard to explain.

Shroomslip: Condolences about your brother seriously.My step brother committed suicide when I was 17 and my brothers and sisters were devastated,I can sympathize :hug:


--------------------
R.I.P
Zombi3, Blue Helix
Modest Mouse
Zappa, Jellyfish
Slothie
That Kid With The face
ShLong
Le Canard
split_by_nine
& Big Worm Forever
Etched in the sands of time in the shroomery and ever so beloved and deeply missed by many :heart:

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Unfolding Nature Shop: Unfolding Nature: Being in the Implicate Order

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