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General Interest > Philosophy, Sociology & Psychology
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The current thoughts of a Selective Psychopath (why did I capitalize those?)
    #20103812 -

Just scrambling around google.... wondering if I had minor autism.... now wondering if I have aspergers....

Have quite a few problems.... but its odd and selective.... it makes no sense....

I have extreme confidence. Great with women.... can get on stage.... sing.... dance.... joyful.... wild.....

When the time is there and I have an audience that will take me i suppose I'm pretty crazy and "class clown" kind of guy (im 23) [I said I was 23 to point out that I wasn't still in highschool and do infact matter.... though I don't really.... so its pointless to point out my age I suppose]

I had a mole on my right forearm..... and I always wore a longsleeve something to hide it.... I had it cut off.... and still feel the need to hide my arms (10 years later)... I'm self concious of my fat.... even though I'm in shape now.... just the slight fat.... I have slight manboobs.... and I won't wear a shirt that has gotten too small from drying just slightly.... (i dont even know if they have even changed) or something happens that when I look in the mirror I see my "breasts".

Yet.... I'll walk around in flipflops showing off my hairy feet and kind of breed off people commenting on them.


I look at mouths when I talk to people... and when I look at their eyes.... i want to stop. So I have to force myself to look at the eyes..... and I end up making them break eye contact.... then I feel like I should look at the mouth again..... and end up not going back to eyes.

I am very irritated by bullshit "social norms" or whatever you call it.... where you cant just speak your mind... you have to lead the other person and show them that youre leading them there too. Like how you have to act at a job to move up in the company..... the things that you have to do outside a career that are like that.... I despise and purposely walk around them and blatantly.

I find myself on forums specifically getting targetted as the bad guy or the "troll". I suppose I am a troll.... and I am trolling.... but... I dunno.... when I dont troll.... I get reactions as if I am.... so I have to compensate for the fact that I know everyone is going to think I'm a troll..... where in reality I dont get forum "rules" or whatever "moral" like.... whatever you call it that everyone displays when they join a new forum.

I constantly feel like the onlooker... sometimes I feel like I'm above the people I'm looking at.... sometimes I feel like im beneath.... but I most often (if not always) feel on the outside.

I can easily break the barrier.... and make friends.... I do have friends and make them easy as pie when I want to. I'm hilarious. I'm smart. I'm caring. I give great advice. But I have to specifically try to make these things happen. And I mean try a great deal. And if I ever lose focus... and forget the goal... it all goes to shit.

I find myself fucking things up all the time.... dropping things... making noises at night on the floor even though downstairs neighbors just complained the other day... and I like.... have no idea how I get myself into these situations too.

I tend to say the wrong thing.... and its usually a super obvious thing that we were meant to "avoid" (i assume we were meant to avoid it).


I find my problem wasnt as bad back in my old life.... I dont remember my old life....

A year ago I got sent to a psychward... and tried very hard to get out.... saying whatever i could.... taking all the pills they gave me.... and I ended up losing my mind for about 2 months while I was taking "respirdal" a super hardcore antipsychotic med (was taking in large doses).... and was basically turned into believing that I had lost my mind... and the pills were stopping me from being crazier than I was currently acting...

After 2 motnhs I quit the pills and hid from the outpatient program (I believed they owould send police to my house and take me to the psychward so I hid in my truck for a week)

turns out they basically let me believe this crazy shit to "treat me".... anyways...

I find myself super quick to anger now... I get just stuck on something..... whether it be a new diet or exercise.... or hobby.... or argument topic.

I find all these problems go away when I smoke weed. I still feel awkward around new people.... I still tend to hide... but in my brain everything is ok. <---- made me tear up a little saying the last part of that sentence

I think its only ok because pot makes me not give a fuck.

In fact I'm pretty sure thats why.

I find myself.... wanting to quit smoking after I finish my stash.... a few days go by.... and just buying more. I dunno...

I dunno if I have aspergers... I dont know if it even matters to get a label on me.... I dont know if I'm seeking attention.... I don't know if im trolling... I dont know shit about shit and I hate it.


After typing this i have realized i havent eaten / drank in a while... and I do this all the time. I get caught on something.... type a ton... delete a ton.... and as of late.... go on the shroomery and act
insane around a bunch of people who seem like they are the [embodiment] "<--- only word I spellchecked so far woot woot.  And yes I know im probably spelling aspergers wrong."

but no... I guess I was mid-insult? but not really an insult... at shroomery board.

I come on to shroomery with a bunch of people who seem like they are the embodiment of that song "Come a little closer then you'll see". I like the thought of magic being somewhere.... or some high intellect being out there...


and look at me.... insulting the people im trying to talk with... just as basic conversation. i totally get why people kill themselves..... it fucking sucks that I am afraid of death more than anything else.... it would be an incredible escape. (im not threatening to kill myself... im telling everyone that I would never kill myself as my life is the most precious thing to me)




SIDE NOTE:

I know I sound like a blibbering idiot.... but this is how I type / talk without my internal filter that I literally DIY'd inside my head based off peoples reactions to me.


--------------------
"Mein Fuhrer!!!! I can WALK!!!!"



For every trolls head you sever... 10 more will spawn in its place.
For every 10 trolls you give advice to... 1 will listen.


Special thanks to shroompuncher for making the cool pic <3

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Re: The current thoughts of a Selective Psychopath (why did I capitalize those?) [Re: MuffinShroomMan]
    #20103852 -

I pick and choose forum posts to look at.... but based off insane factors.....

For example

I really want to look at the "weed tolerance" post on this forum... and I am choosing not to click it because I think it would mean I was bragging about my weed tolerance.... or something like that.... and me being interested in that post.... would suade public opinion of me negatively.....

yet im clearly like.... the worst person you guys can imagine in existence. though im sure there are worse people than I.... im not claiming to be special....

like do you see my thought process? its fucking whack.


--------------------
"Mein Fuhrer!!!! I can WALK!!!!"



For every trolls head you sever... 10 more will spawn in its place.
For every 10 trolls you give advice to... 1 will listen.


Special thanks to shroompuncher for making the cool pic <3

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Re: The current thoughts of a Selective Psychopath (why did I capitalize those?) [Re: MuffinShroomMan]
    #20103854 -

and when I typed suade the red line came up and I told myself in my head to reword it but I forgot and posted it... now I feel like the worlds biggest fucking idiot for basically making up a word.


--------------------
"Mein Fuhrer!!!! I can WALK!!!!"



For every trolls head you sever... 10 more will spawn in its place.
For every 10 trolls you give advice to... 1 will listen.


Special thanks to shroompuncher for making the cool pic <3

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Re: The current thoughts of a Selective Psychopath (why did I capitalize those?) [Re: MuffinShroomMan]
    #20103881 -

way C00L, you know you're a fool.  Good for you for being self aware and displaying some form of fake confidence.  Just don't act a fool... no one will ever know.


--------------------
When telling the truth becomes an act of treason, and society chooses delusion and deception over fundamental reality, you've been invaded and infiltrated by other beings that have now integrated into your country and community.  Bless our reptile overlords who control, harvest, and eat us.

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Re: The current thoughts of a Selective Psychopath (why did I capitalize those?) [Re: sprinkles]
    #20103898 -

do you know I will not be interested in you if you speak normally and directly?
what purpose do you have for talking how you are?

Its like youre adding a little bit of flare that makes me think its meant to go somewhere that gets me stuck looking.


like c00l and fool.... why do they rhyme.... why does the cool have 0's in it?

am I meant to respond with "what is fake confidence"... thats how I initially wanted to respond...

and now im wondering.... how you could have fake confidence.



Am I meant to just say "ok so im an idiot that was the problem. and I can convince people im not an idiot"

but i find.... most people around me are extremely inferior..... so based off of that I have to conclude I am atleast not "lesser".... I may not be an equal to decent minds.... or greater than a great deal of people.... but I can almost say with 100 percent accuracy that I'm not an idiot.

the variable would be ... that people dont let on that they are smart.... and it would have to be a shit ton of people... and a huge conspiracy I never heard of.


and yes.... I sound like im bragging. dunno. I just dunno. fml


--------------------
"Mein Fuhrer!!!! I can WALK!!!!"



For every trolls head you sever... 10 more will spawn in its place.
For every 10 trolls you give advice to... 1 will listen.


Special thanks to shroompuncher for making the cool pic <3

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Re: The current thoughts of a Selective Psychopath (why did I capitalize those?) [Re: MuffinShroomMan]
    #20103904 -

but then again... what is "fool"... self-aware fool... i dont get it...

why do people hate me.... if i dont have a choice to stop? if my brain is this way.... i dunno...


--------------------
"Mein Fuhrer!!!! I can WALK!!!!"



For every trolls head you sever... 10 more will spawn in its place.
For every 10 trolls you give advice to... 1 will listen.


Special thanks to shroompuncher for making the cool pic <3

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Re: The current thoughts of a Selective Psychopath (why did I capitalize those?) [Re: MuffinShroomMan]
    #20103906 -

inb4 "life isnt fair" bullshit..... /sigh

not that i can predict the future.... because even if it was going to happen.... that response wouldnt happen now...

probably no one even interested o rreading passed the first paragraph... other than this one guy who I found in another thread....


--------------------
"Mein Fuhrer!!!! I can WALK!!!!"



For every trolls head you sever... 10 more will spawn in its place.
For every 10 trolls you give advice to... 1 will listen.


Special thanks to shroompuncher for making the cool pic <3

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Re: The current thoughts of a Selective Psychopath (why did I capitalize those?) [Re: MuffinShroomMan]
    #20103917 -

and btw sprinkles your response has like... made me feel a lot better like im not enitrely talking to myself.... thank you for saying something.... i dont know if me thanking you is a good method for getting you to say more things.... but id like you to say more things.


--------------------
"Mein Fuhrer!!!! I can WALK!!!!"



For every trolls head you sever... 10 more will spawn in its place.
For every 10 trolls you give advice to... 1 will listen.


Special thanks to shroompuncher for making the cool pic <3

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Re: The current thoughts of a Selective Psychopath (why did I capitalize those?) [Re: MuffinShroomMan]
    #20103943 -

I dunno....

It would be a blessing (im not religious at all just using that word) if a bunch of people just responded.... and they told me im not alone.... and they told me their experiences.... and suggested the parts of my story that were a little more strong than they had to go through... and the parts that were a little easier for me to go through...

and we just talked basically..... about my problems.... and your problems... or your old problems that you worked out...

my head like... hurts now.... and im pretty sure im dehydrated.... im going to go play a video game and eat / drink / smoke a joint of shitty weed. I'm just saying this because that is actually what im going to do. I wish I wasn't going to play a video ame..... and I feel lame for going to smoke pot and play a game at 9 am on a monday... i dunno.... talking in cricles... looney psychotic bastard


--------------------
"Mein Fuhrer!!!! I can WALK!!!!"



For every trolls head you sever... 10 more will spawn in its place.
For every 10 trolls you give advice to... 1 will listen.


Special thanks to shroompuncher for making the cool pic <3

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Re: The current thoughts of a Selective Psychopath (why did I capitalize those?) [Re: MuffinShroomMan]
    #20106733 -

You need some sort of cause to dedicate yourself to.  After a while you'll forget about all this crap.  Have you ever gone traveling solo?  Just hit the road with some possessions and a vague plan.  I traveled around wwoofing (http://www.wwoof.net/) to get from place to place, met some amazing people and some terrible people.  They were all as valuable as each other.  The terrible people made everyone else seem not so bad, and the amazing ones give me inspiration on how to be.  It was the hardest period of my life.  It still is challenging but it's a whole lot better than it ever has been.

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Re: The current thoughts of a Selective Psychopath (why did I capitalize those?) [Re: Jufin]
    #20107041 -

Have hope muffin. Although things look hopeless now, there is a world of opportunity for you.


--------------------

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Re: The current thoughts of a Selective Psychopath (why did I capitalize those?) [Re: MuffinShroomMan]
    #20107158 -

Quote:
why did I capitalize those?


This is not the mind-reading forum.


--------------------

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