Marijuana is so unpleasant now :(

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sincerelylexo
The egg will hatch soon

Registered: 01/30/14
Posts: 328

Marijuana is so unpleasant now :(

#19496082 - 01/30/14 11:50 AM (12 years, 7 months ago)

When I first started smoking pot, I experienced extreme paranoia, discomfort, and fear. It felt almost like psychosis- everything felt extremely sur-real with a hint of creepiness.

After a few more seshes, I fell in love with Mary Jane. It made me feel completely at peace with the world, wholly content with who I was, and it was incredibly fun. It was as sweet as motherly love.

After smoking for about a year, I began to develop extreme anxiety, completely out of the blue, every time I'd get high. I've always had problems with accepting myself and I've done some things I'm ashamed of. I've never committed anything immoral or evil so it's not guilt that's eating me alive, but rather embarrassment. I completely cut down my toking habits because it started to become really uncomfortable and I felt this anxiety even if I smoked alone.

I went three weeks without blazing and began to finally build a positive self image of myself. Despite not being a perfect human being, I was able to accept my flaws and see my self in a positive light and I got rid of most self-loathing.

Yesterday my friend asked me if I wanted to burn and I figured why not since it had been a while. The second I got high, I convinced myself I was the most embarrassing, pathetic, worthless, sad, stupid human being who is a mockery to humanity and society. I couldn't get these thoughts out of my head and the certainty with which I believed it all was unreal. When I met up with my friend to burn, I felt confident, talkative, wanted, happy, and so forth- that obviously all changed the second I felt high.

It's the second day and I'm recovering- self-esteem is back up again and I should be fine in a few days.

I'm just really upset that this is happening to me and I don't really understand it. Why did my weed high's go from being simply wonderful to becoming hellish. No other drug makes me feel worthless- when I do acid, I feel connected to the universe in a beautiful way. When I eat shrooms, I see all my guilt melt into a beautiful puddle. Doing adderal once in a while (roughly once every 2 weeks) makes me feel confident and talkative. Kratom makes me feel completely at ease. MDMA has helped me tremendously at building a positive self image. DXM also makes me feel confident and cozy and provides a nice after glow. But weed, I feel like absolute shit, like my purpose in life is to be laughed and pitied. I'm not even THAT much of a loser or a bad human being- I study at a good university, I've never done anything THAT harmful to my friends or parents, I do have a few friends, I have a decent home, and so forth.

I've been lurking this forum for a while and I'd really appreciate your advice. I don't really want to talk to my friend's about my anxiety, I find it embarrassing, so I was hoping you friendly strangers could help me out and possibly relate. Has anyone experienced something of the like? Were you able to cure yourself from marijuana-induced anxiety? I also want to note that the strain of marijuana has no effect- whether I'm smoking sativa or indica, it's all the same. I've smoked tuna kush, OG kush, king's kush, you name it- they all make me feel anxious and unhappy.

Just to stress the extremity of how pathetic I feel after I smoke pot, let me just say this- I feel like THE biggest loser ever not only out of my friends, but out of the ENTIRE universe. It's sad as fuck and feels absolutely real when I'm high. I begin hating my parents, despite them being absolutely wonderful, loving people. I begin hating my face, my voice, my personality, ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. I feel doomed, afraid, lonely, and scared. I feel like a mistake that the universe made or rather a giant joke. No amount of Alan Watts can help me accept myself.

Is it worth seeing a psychologist? I feel absolutely fine sober, I'm usually happy, kind of talkative, and I have no problems feeling normal. Maybe there is something deeply wrong with my subconscious, who knows, but I don't notice it unless I'm high.

--------------------
Somebody asked yesterday "why does the sun rise and why does the sun set? How did it all start and how does it all end? Where are we headed and why does it get dark?" I think the sun simply rises just for us, the darkness comes so it can be morning again, nobody knows which way we're going, and life eternally begins anew the moment that it ends.

Edited by sincerelylexo (02/26/15 07:13 AM)

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