i'm not really good at starting these types of things... really i'm not that good at communicating emotions and trying to understand myself. i'm much better at reciting that rhetoric that i have heard from the psychologists and PSR workers to try and help others around me, kind of like a diversion tactic so that i can fool myself into thinking i'm doing some good.
i moved to florida about a year and a half ago, it was a pretty big move considering i came from idaho. i never really wanted to live in florida, i mean i always wanted to live closer to my grandmother and grandfather, my cousins and my aunts and uncles, my sister even lives here so i thought it was for the best, but in the end the one person i never wanted to be close to was my father, and now i'm living in his house. he's this gun toting hard core alcoholic republican and it's quite trying to live with him. having to tip toe all over the place like i'm walking on egg shells so as not to upset him while at the same time my nature is to not give two fucks what he thinks and to try to worry about my life that seems to be so off from what i pictured.
it's not all bad though, since i moved here i have made two really good friends.
when i lived in idaho i was much more of an extrovert than i am now, probably because i knew everyone in our circle of friends so it was easier to go out. i spend all my time with one friend in particular, which now that i think about it seems to be my habit. back in idaho i generally only hung around one person as well. i don't mind being on my own and when i am alone i find plenty of things to help the time pass. some of those things include drawing and trying to paint, others just include staring at the wall and watching as the sun moves across it.
i have been struggling with some internal demons as of late though. these buggers in my mind that tell me all sorts of things, horrible things. sometimes it keeps me up at night. i do my best to ignore them, although god knows i've always sucked at trying to wear a mask around those i'm close to. although what's really been bugging me lately is the one person i seem to spend all my time with, even though she can see somethings wrong, she assumes it's just me sulking or she assumes she knows what the cause is and doesn't bother to ask half the time. i don't really know what i'd say though if she did ask, so maybe it's for the best that she doesn't. i dunno, life's pretty screwy sometimes and i know i don't make it any easier on myself.
my heart hurts and my head aches, not physically, i can't explain it. i feel pain but try to tell myself that there are people in worst places than i so i really shouldn't be upset. i do my best to ignore it. hey, at least there's still a roof over my head and it's not uncommon for a 22 year old to go to bed hungry sometimes.
i've been trying to understand my life around me though, trying not to take things so seriously and "loosen up", it's no walk in the park though.
i dunno, i really don't even know why i'm writing this. maybe so i can feel some feeling of satisfaction from "trying". maybe this is some sort of plea for help, some desperate cry of attention. i don't like attention though, it's awkward and weird and i only like attention if i'm truly seeking it. maybe i just want someone else to talk to.
i feel lost though.
i feel like things really aren't going to get better and that i made a big mistake moving here. but what do i do now? giving up seems easiest. not even trying seems like the quickest way out. but if i don't want to be a loser anymore then i can't quit right? then i can't risk loosing everything that i've tried to work towards.
late last year my dog died. she was staying with my mother in arkansas while i get on my feet, i promised my dog i'd come back for her. another dog killer her, wasn't anyone's fault really, was just life, ending. the day following that dreaded phone call i received a bearded dragon that a friend of mine was no longer able to care for. his name is Atom and he's become my one state of true normality. i take care of him and love him. was it chance though that the day before he arrived i got that dreaded phone call?
for a month following my dogs death i resented my new dragon, regretted ever leaving my dog and began to fall into despair. i'd like to think i've come out of that pit though.
for the first time in this year and a half i got to see my mother, step father and little brother on a trip to arkansas for thankgiving. it was a nice trip. my little brother's pet turkey was killed however by some stray dogs. that was a sad day.
shortly after my return to florida from my holiday week visit i found out that a friend of mine back in idaho had died, suicide. that wasn't as rough as i thought it'd be. i was upset but still life had to go on and i knew that nothing i did on the other side of the country could change it.
life's kind of screwy isn't it? pain in the ass.
there's a lot going through my head, not necessarily about my friend, but about life in general. seems like things just keep piling up and i'll never get to do the things i'd like to do. one of my biggest fears is to be 40 years old with nothing to show for it other than a trail from florida to idaho of regret and wrong choices.
i still don't know why i'm writing this, i still don't know what i'm even thinking anymore. i've been focused on a lot of things that i openly mock but in the back of my mind dwell on.
i dunno..... i'm lost and i'm trying to find my way. that light at the end of whatever this darkness is seems to be fading. on some days it's easier to ignore the darkness i seem to find so comforting at night. still it is just that, darkness, sadness, and regret and even though i say this is where i'm most comfortable, it's not. but it's what i know and i don't know what to do anymore.
i'm lost...
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