Do you know someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?
If so, do you tell this person he is "too serious," or ask if he is okay? Regard him as aloof, arrogant, rude? Redouble your efforts to draw him out?
If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you have an introvert on your hands?and that you aren't caring for him properly. Science has learned a good deal in recent years about the habits and requirements of introverts. It has even learned, by means of brain scans, that introverts process information differently from other people (I am not making this up). If you are behind the curve on this important matter, be reassured that you are not alone. Introverts may be common, but they are also among the most misunderstood and aggrieved groups in America, possibly the world.
I know. My name is Jonathan, and I am an introvert.
Oh, for years I denied it. After all, I have good social skills. I am not morose or misanthropic. Usually. I am far from shy. I love long conversations that explore intimate thoughts or passionate interests. But at last I have self-identified and come out to my friends and colleagues. In doing so, I have found myself liberated from any number of damaging misconceptions and stereotypes. Now I am here to tell you what you need to know in order to respond sensitively and supportively to your own introverted family members, friends, and colleagues. Remember, someone you know, respect, and interact with every day is an introvert, and you are probably driving this person nuts. It pays to learn the warning signs.
What is introversion? In its modern sense, the concept goes back to the 1920s and the psychologist Carl Jung. Today it is a mainstay of personality tests, including the widely used Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Introverts are not necessarily shy. Shy people are anxious or frightened or self-excoriating in social settings; introverts generally are not. Introverts are also not misanthropic, though some of us do go along with Sartre as far as to say "Hell is other people at breakfast." Rather, introverts are people who find other people tiring.
Extroverts are energized by people, and wilt or fade when alone. They often seem bored by themselves, in both senses of the expression. Leave an extrovert alone for two minutes and he will reach for his cell phone. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially "on," we introverts need to turn off and recharge. My own formula is roughly two hours alone for every hour of socializing. This isn't antisocial. It isn't a sign of depression. It does not call for medication. For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating. Our motto: "I'm okay, you're okay?in small doses."
How many people are introverts? I performed exhaustive research on this question, in the form of a quick Google search. The answer: About 25 percent. Or: Just under half. Or?my favorite?"a minority in the regular population but a majority in the gifted population."
Are introverts misunderstood? Wildly. That, it appears, is our lot in life. "It is very difficult for an extrovert to understand an introvert," write the education experts Jill D. Burruss and Lisa Kaenzig. (They are also the source of the quotation in the previous paragraph.) Extroverts are easy for introverts to understand, because extroverts spend so much of their time working out who they are in voluble, and frequently inescapable, interaction with other people. They are as inscrutable as puppy dogs. But the street does not run both ways. Extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume that company, especially their own, is always welcome. They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone; indeed, they often take umbrage at the suggestion. As often as I have tried to explain the matter to extroverts, I have never sensed that any of them really understood. They listen for a moment and then go back to barking and yipping.
Are introverts oppressed? I would have to say so. For one thing, extroverts are overrepresented in politics, a profession in which only the garrulous are really comfortable. Look at George W. Bush. Look at Bill Clinton. They seem to come fully to life only around other people. To think of the few introverts who did rise to the top in politics?Calvin Coolidge, Richard Nixon?is merely to drive home the point. With the possible exception of Ronald Reagan, whose fabled aloofness and privateness were probably signs of a deep introverted streak (many actors, I've read, are introverts, and many introverts, when socializing, feel like actors), introverts are not considered "naturals" in politics.
Extroverts therefore dominate public life. This is a pity. If we introverts ran the world, it would no doubt be a calmer, saner, more peaceful sort of place. As Coolidge is supposed to have said, "Don't you know that four fifths of all our troubles in this life would disappear if we would just sit down and keep still?" (He is also supposed to have said, "If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it." The only thing a true introvert dislikes more than talking about himself is repeating himself.)
With their endless appetite for talk and attention, extroverts also dominate social life, so they tend to set expectations. In our extrovertist society, being outgoing is considered normal and therefore desirable, a mark of happiness, confidence, leadership. Extroverts are seen as bighearted, vibrant, warm, empathic. "People person" is a compliment. Introverts are described with words like "guarded," "loner," "reserved," "taciturn," "self-contained," "private"?narrow, ungenerous words, words that suggest emotional parsimony and smallness of personality. Female introverts, I suspect, must suffer especially. In certain circles, particularly in the Midwest, a man can still sometimes get away with being what they used to call a strong and silent type; introverted women, lacking that alternative, are even more likely than men to be perceived as timid, withdrawn, haughty.
Are introverts arrogant? Hardly. I suppose this common misconception has to do with our being more intelligent, more reflective, more independent, more level-headed, more refined, and more sensitive than extroverts. Also, it is probably due to our lack of small talk, a lack that extroverts often mistake for disdain. We tend to think before talking, whereas extroverts tend to think by talking, which is why their meetings never last less than six hours. "Introverts," writes a perceptive fellow named Thomas P. Crouser, in an online review of a recent book called Why Should Extroverts Make All the Money? (I'm not making that up, either), "are driven to distraction by the semi-internal dialogue extroverts tend to conduct. Introverts don't outwardly complain, instead roll their eyes and silently curse the darkness." Just so.
The worst of it is that extroverts have no idea of the torment they put us through. Sometimes, as we gasp for air amid the fog of their 98-percent-content-free talk, we wonder if extroverts even bother to listen to themselves. Still, we endure stoically, because the etiquette books?written, no doubt, by extroverts?regard declining to banter as rude and gaps in conversation as awkward. We can only dream that someday, when our condition is more widely understood, when perhaps an Introverts' Rights movement has blossomed and borne fruit, it will not be impolite to say "I'm an introvert. You are a wonderful person and I like you. But now please shush."
How can I let the introvert in my life know that I support him and respect his choice? First, recognize that it's not a choice. It's not a lifestyle. It's an orientation.
Second, when you see an introvert lost in thought, don't say "What's the matter?" or "Are you all right?"
Third, don't say anything else, either.
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I like my social anxiety, its a badge of intelligence.
The people who tend towards awareness usually develop some form of social anxiety. I stems form an ability to perceive the minutia in social settings.
Imho, I have learned over the years, the ones I want to respect me often care little about my anxiety. The ones who are vapid and not worth much consideration are the ones who think I am weird cause I stay aloof and without ever present babble and conversation. When I do decide it is time to speak, it is often something extraordinaire, funny as hell and worth much notice. The intelligent ones, the ones with soul almost always gravitate my way. It makes going to work hard, I can feel the discomfort, the eyes looking at me. Assuming I am dumb or a drug addict because I don't socialize very well. Fuck them.
Still sometimes I find myself in moments of doubt, why can't I be normal and shit like that. I just inventory myself and slide on through the day. Its really a simple affair, the solution, you must find some peace with yourself. For me that meant mentally reviewing all the friends I have ever made, placing a value on their friendship and social popularity. I myself have never been real popular, quite the contrary. My associates at work that I have constructed deep and meaningful relationships with are almost always well liked, that doesn't necessarily mean popular, and always extremely intelligent. It helps me deal with the reproof from my peers knowing that I have the interest of the soulful captured, even if the majority don't like me. Soulful isn't necessarily the ones who dress in corduroy, its the ones with that special light in their eyes.
We, the introverts are like a gang of vampires, we are among them, they won't see us, but we will know each other. Sometimes the extroverts, the sensitive ones, the ones with pupils dilated will see us, they will recognize us and be thankful they have found us. They alone among those who walk in the sun will be at peace with us and let us be at peace with them. At my last Job in Cackilacki, I was pretty aloof. I did manage to capture the attention of three people there, one was a beautiful bartender, she was widely accepted as cool, she was digging me, she was an extreme introvert. She used to accuse me of being pensive and things like that. Well, I was. With her support I was eventually tolerated.
Another young lady, a server there, who was a little firecracker form Boston, she was gorgeous, when she spoke to me it was like a cool breeze in hell, perfect. She went to work for me, and because of her I was eventually given much respect. She would during the staff meetings repeatedly call on the other servers to help me out, as I was pretty much a utility person, do this here, serve this table here, cook this food for them, just what ever needed to be done. She basically, because she so valued me and because she herself was so widely respected and adored made it possible for me to be myself, to feel at peace, eventually because of this space I opened up to some of them. I eventually established some quality friendships with a few of them.
There was also an introverted manager there who I developed a small rapport with because of our shared interest in twisted humor and language. Without those three, especially the server I would never have made it there, the pressure and ostracizing would have driven me away in very short time.
I only relate this to you to help you get a sense of what it took for me to accept myself and carve out a niche for myself in society. Now years later I can fairly quickly and accurately identify the people who will swing my way, thus making the process dramatically shorter in duration.
I hope this helps
I am not saying intelligent people cant be comfortable in social situations.
pyeace.
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