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I need your honest opinions about some lyrics I wrote
    #17846980 -

[Deleted]
Reason: Under construction :wink:

Edited by 245willow19 (02/22/13 05:33 PM)

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Re: I need your opinions about a song that I wrote [Re: 245willow19]
    #17846988 -

Didn't the Beatles write this in 1920-whatever?


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A Hella Heady List of My Favorite Shroomy People - Click Here!

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Re: I need your opinions about a song that I wrote [Re: something super extreme]
    #17846994 -

And Im only pointing this out because you called a bunch of people "half-retarded"
Buts its flew not flied away.
:awenuhuh:


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Re: I need your opinions about a song that I wrote [Re: JusTsHroomiNn]
    #17846999 -

But it's a song, therefor you get creative liberties.
DUHHHHHH.
:downswords:


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A Hella Heady List of My Favorite Shroomy People - Click Here!

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Re: I need your opinions about a song that I wrote [Re: something super extreme]
    #17847005 -

sVs said:
Didn't the Beatles write this in 1920-whatever?


How so? When? Sources, please! I made this bit by bit from nothing :shrug:

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Re: I need your opinions about a song that I wrote [Re: 245willow19]
    #17847014 -

i'm just messing with you.

Kind of hard to objectively judge a song based strictly on its lyrical content without hearing it set to music, so I will abstain from offering anything other than sardonic one-liners and grammatical nitpicking.


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A Hella Heady List of My Favorite Shroomy People - Click Here!

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Re: I need your opinions about a song that I wrote [Re: something super extreme]
    #17847024 -

sVs said:
i'm just messing with you.

Kind of hard to objectively judge a song based strictly on its lyrical content without hearing it set to music, so I will abstain from offering anything other than sardonic one-liners and grammatical nitpicking.


Fair enough. I like your answer :wink: however you could still give a judgement whether these lyrics are bad, good or inbetween :shrug:

Edited by 245willow19 (02/22/13 12:30 PM)

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Re: I need your opinions about a song that I wrote [Re: 245willow19]
    #17847043 -

He could give a judgement on whether the lyrics are bad or good, not the song.


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Re: I need your opinions about a song that I wrote [Re: jewunit]
    #17847061 -

jewunit said:
He could give a judgement on whether the lyrics are bad or good, not the song.


Okay well do you think the lyrics are bad or goodd? Be perfectly honest, please.

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Re: I need your opinions about a song that I wrote [Re: jewunit]
    #17847126 -

Let me elaborate a bit:

I won't judge a song based strictly on its lyrics, because the overwhelming majority of song lyrics are stupid as shit anyway without accompanying music. My review of the lyrics would be overwhelmingly pointless and based on personal bias more than any sort of objective criticism. I could point out the grammatical errors, I could point out errors in meter and flow if he wanted more of a poetic dissection.

If it were a song accompanied by music, I could offer valid constructive criticism based on a number of objective qualities such as the overall performance, technique, and structure. Since it is a page of words with no discernible rhythm other than what I can make of it from reading, it is hard to make an informed opinion.

Unless OP wants to hear:
"your vague, meandering poetry is dull and arguably sleep-inducing to the point of coma"
In which case, see ^


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A Hella Heady List of My Favorite Shroomy People - Click Here!

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Re: I need your opinions about a song that I wrote [Re: something super extreme]
    #17847140 -

Thank you...:thumbup:

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Re: I need your opinions about a song that I wrote [Re: something super extreme]
    #17847218 -

sVs said:
i'm just messing with you.

Kind of hard to objectively judge a song based strictly on its lyrical content without hearing it set to music, so I will abstain from offering anything other than sardonic one-liners and grammatical nitpicking.


You were joking about the beetles in the 1920s?


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NotSheekle said
“if I believed she was 16 I would become unattracted to her”

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Re: I need your honest opinions about some lyrics I wrote [Re: 245willow19] * 1
    #17847224 -

It seems like too much of the lyrics are focused on rhyming and less on metaphor or implication.  Rhyming every last word seems very country music-esque to me and in reading the words without music or rhythm, I was hearing a country twang and guitar in my head as I read them.  The message is uplifting, but doesn't leave a lot to inference by the listener and doesn't open the lyrics to interpretation or study beyond face value if that makes sense.
But it's not like I could write anything better.  I'm strictly playing lyrical armchair quarterback here and without accompanying music and rhythm, it's really hard to critique.  Even some of the lyrics to my favorite songs and albums seem lacking without the music so take all this for what it's worth.  I do like the message of the lyrics and the tonality, but the delivery of them makes all the difference.  So sing it to some music for a full interpretation.

EDIT:  I know the above post could come off as negative.  When I do something where I want an honest critique, I'd prefer hearing actionable criticism vs. praise.  I'm only highlighting what I feel are the weakest points, which can come off as total criticism and negativity, but they are not.  As I said, I'm not a writer and I couldn't come up with anything better so I'm just voicing the minor thoughts I had at the request of OP.  You can't improve if every criticism you get is "good job" pat on the back.  Though there are many aspects to the OP that deserve that praise.

EDIT #2:  Seriously OP, don't delete it.  Let people read your words.  You obviously had some emotion and thought behind them, don't be a pussy.  You can't post poetry/lyrics asking for opinion then delete them before people can voice their thoughts.  How do you expect to get better?  WTF.  Repost that shit.

Edited by abltsandwich (02/22/13 01:42 PM)

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Re: I need your honest opinions about some lyrics I wrote [Re: abltsandwich]
    #17847493 -

Thanks and I'll consider it. Your opinions shall uplift my spirit so that I can gather enough willpower and motivation to improve these lyrics because after revising it over and over again...it's seemingly not as bad as I once thougt. It does need improvement here and there, and the message does need to be more clearer and I shall cut rhymes and make more sense of the lyrics :thumbup:

Thanks everyone

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Re: I need your honest opinions about some lyrics I wrote [Re: 245willow19]
    #17847630 -

Regarding rhyming in the song, I think it would sound more interesting if you broke up your rhyming lines, for instance, your chorus:

tomorrow,
sorrow,
hope,
cope

could sound more interesting if it was written:

tomorrow,
hope,
sorrow,
cope

Just my 2c.

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Re: I need your honest opinions about some lyrics I wrote [Re: Khii Khwaay]
    #17848150 -

That's a great idea. Thanks a million :thumbup:

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Re: I need your honest opinions about some lyrics I wrote [Re: 245willow19]
    #17848495 -

That's not a great idea. That is just a different rhyme scheme. There's nothing better or worse about choosing either your rhyme scheme or Khii Khwaay's.

Your meter is boring. This should help a bit.

Your rhyme scheme is boring. This is a very popular type of poem. It's a bit more difficult than doing iambic, end rhymed couplets, but it should give you an idea of what can be done in this area. Experiment and have some fun with it.

Your idea is old and boring. Do something new. Your voice is your voice, it belongs to no one else. Delve into your own mind and find you own way of expressing yourself. Dig deep.

If you can't avoid a cliché, at least use your diction to justify its place in your poem. Make a joke of it, change its connotation, challenge its meaning.

Resolve your poem. Don't just end it because you have nothing more to say. You don't want a boring ending because the first stanza and last stanza are always going to be more memorable to the reader. If you have a weak ending, you have a weak poem.

I can only criticize these lyrics as a poem because it isn't being sung.

The only application I can see for it the way it's written now is some lame hip-hop.


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Open mind, open heart, open book.


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