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Have any of you attempted suicide?
    #16952328 -

I did it once 5 years ago, my plan was to get myself run down by a car, I was drunk and on ecstasy but I still had a bit of fear, I kept hesitating at the last second so rather than throwing myself in front of the moving car, I threw myself into the side of it and just ended up with a few broken bones and a big scar (it looks pretty badass, I like it) on my head. I still would have died but someone called an ambulance and by the time it arrived I'd forgotten what I was doing so when the paramedics said "do you want our help?" I said yeah. I thought they were exaggerating when they told me I was bleeding badly, I just went along with it because I found it entertaining but when I woke up the next morning the sheets and pillow of the hospital bed were covered in blood, I'd never seen that much blood in real life until then.

Surprisingly, I felt great. I just got the nurse to take out the drips, went and took a piss + washed the excess blood off my face then discharged myself from the hospital and walked home. Didn't feel anything until later that day when my face and arms started swelling up from the fractures (had a broken nose, wrist and collarbone). I realised then that its pretty easy to die, its not something that really requires effort. All I had to do was refuse to let the paramedics help me and I would have bled to death before I made it home. I went back to the scene the next day and there were big blood stains on the ground, I lost a shitload of blood before I even made it 10 meters down the street.

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Re: Have any of you attempted suicide? [Re: farnagy]
    #16952356 -

I "attempted" suicide by almost jumping off a 7 story parking garage.  I chickened out though and got thrown in the psych ward.:feelssadman:

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Re: Have any of you attempted suicide? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #16952433 -

Were you on any drugs? There are plenty of drugs to counteract fear. Fear of heights is one of the fears thats hard-wired into the human brain. I know 4 people that attempted it. Two of my friends and my friends dad (my friend killed himself a few years after his dad did it) hung themselves and they were all successful. My mothers ex-boyfriend plunged down a mountain on a pair of skies but ended up in the psych ward rather than in the ground.

Shit happens, don't feel bad about the past. This is life. We're not here to have nice, happy, flowery lives, we're here to learn and the more hardcore and harsh the experiences, the more we learn. Thats my belief anyway.

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Re: Have any of you attempted suicide? [Re: farnagy]
    #16952964 -

farnagy said:
Were you on any drugs? There are plenty of drugs to counteract fear. Fear of heights is one of the fears thats hard-wired into the human brain. I know 4 people that attempted it. Two of my friends and my friends dad (my friend killed himself a few years after his dad did it) hung themselves and they were all successful. My mothers ex-boyfriend plunged down a mountain on a pair of skies but ended up in the psych ward rather than in the ground.

Shit happens, don't feel bad about the past. This is life. We're not here to have nice, happy, flowery lives, we're here to learn and the more hardcore and harsh the experiences, the more we learn. Thats my belief anyway.


No I wasn't on any drugs.  And I'm scared of heights so I should have known I would have chickened out.:lol:

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Re: Have any of you attempted suicide? [Re: farnagy] * 1
    #16952972 -

farnagy... you silly person.
Quote:
my plan was to get myself run down by a car


Possibly injuring/killing the occupants of said car, and possibly causing an accident with more vehicles.
Quote:
Shit happens, don't feel bad about the past.


No regrets is a good way to live, but make sure your conscience is still intact. Does your conscience tell you anything about endangering the lives of strangers to end your own suffering?
Quote:
This is life. We're not here to have nice, happy, flowery lives,


We aren't? I am. Speak for yourself.
Quote:
we're here to learn and the more hardcore and harsh the experiences, the more we learn. Thats my belief anyway.


I've been through my share of pain and misery and it has helped me become a more loving person and grateful to be alive. Grateful to myself, my parents, and everyone who has supported me which means the people of earth and our ancestors.


--------------------

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Re: Have any of you attempted suicide? [Re: SWEDEN]
    #16953142 -

SWEDEN said:
Possibly injuring/killing the occupants of said car, and possibly causing an accident with more vehicles.



I was in a bad mindset, I wasn't thinking that far ahead but it was in the city at 3 in the morning near an intersection (so cars had to slow down before the intersection), the only person who would have been seriously injured or killed was myself.

SWEDEN said:
No regrets is a good way to live, but make sure your conscience is still intact. Does your conscience tell you anything about endangering the lives of strangers to end your own suffering?



I have a deep conscience but I'm not a pussy, me accidentally causing someone a minor injury isn't gonna bother me very much, similar to how someone else accidentally causing me a minor injury won't bother me much.

SWEDEN said:
We aren't? I am. Speak for yourself.



Then you either live with your head in your rectal cavity, or you are a callous scumbag. How you can be content in a world in which the majority of your fellow man are born into poverty and misery (the 3rd world makes up most of the world) requires you to either be ignorant or evil.

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Re: Have any of you attempted suicide? [Re: farnagy]
    #16953360 -

Quote:
I was in a bad mindset, I wasn't thinking that far ahead but it was in the city at 3 in the morning near an intersection (so cars had to slow down before the intersection), the only person who would have been seriously injured or killed was myself.


You don't know that for sure, but whatever helps you sleep at night.
Quote:
I have a deep conscience but I'm not a pussy, me accidentally causing someone a minor injury isn't gonna bother me very much, similar to how someone else accidentally causing me a minor injury won't bother me much.


Why do you assume that a car accident (although it wouldn't really be an accident, since you caused it) from collision with a human body would only result in minor injuries to the vehicle's occupants? Even a small stone dropped from a bridge can cause deadly accidents.

Quote:
Then you either live with your head in your rectal cavity, or you are a callous scumbag. How you can be content in a world in which the majority of your fellow man are born into poverty and misery (the 3rd world makes up most of the world) requires you to either be ignorant or evil.


I will respond to this later, have to go now :frown:

-edit-

As someone who's callously endangered the lives of others with reckless disregard for your own gift of life, you don't exactly have the moral high ground to be saying things like that. Your last paragraph seems to be full of misconceptions and false assumptions about me. Why don't you get to know me a little better before dropping the hammer?


--------------------

Edited by SWEDEN (10/07/12 11:31 AM)

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Re: Have any of you attempted suicide? [Re: farnagy]
    #16953409 -

Did anyone ever find out that you were attempting suicide? Or did you just stick with the accident story.

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Re: Have any of you attempted suicide? [Re: Blackbird33]
    #16953522 -

SWEDEN said:
Why do you assume that a car accident (although it wouldn't really be an accident, since you caused it) from collision with a human body would only result in minor injuries to the vehicle's occupants? Even a small stone dropped from a bridge can cause deadly accidents.


Well its kinda like falling off your bicycle. It could result in a serious injury but it probably won't. I had plenty of crazy falls as a kid but I'm still alive. If it was a high speed collision, then it would be likely to cause serious injury to the people in the car but in this case it was coming up to an intersection in the city so it wasn't very high speed.


Blackbird33 said:
Did anyone ever find out that you were attempting suicide? Or did you just stick with the accident story.


I stuck to the accident story.

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Re: Have any of you attempted suicide? [Re: farnagy]
    #16953977 -

That's rough man of course the concern brigade will come into this telling how suicide is so selfish and life gets better. Some I think are well-intentioned and some just are out of touch.

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Re: Have any of you attempted suicide? [Re: Blackbird33]
    #16954070 -

Ive wanted to kill myself for two years now, but I do not have the balls to do it. It is against all my beliefs and would NEVER wanna hurt anyone because of my suicide. In return though I am slowly losing my sanity because instead of killing myself, I am mentally hurting myself. The people who I care about SO much, never even try to call me or hang out... ever since I moved an hour away. Im at the point where I question why I would choose not to kill myself if the people that I love dont even attempt to call me or anything.

I HATE MYSELF. I REALLY REALLY hate myself. I am SO fucking alone. all I do anymore is sit in front of the computer all day. I talk to people in a chat whom I care about very very much... But i feel the love is only one sided.

But for these last two years I wanted nothing more than to just be dead... I am already dead on the inside. But if I killed myself, I would cause SO MUCH fucking pain in my family and I cant do that to them... but I am mentally hurting myself so bad that I am practically convinced that the only way out is suicide. In the recent months, I have even put myself in life threatening situations in hope that I die:sad:

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Re: Have any of you attempted suicide? [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #16956995 -

Anonymous #2: I know what you mean, doing it will cause pain to your family, thats why it has to look like an accident. That will be much less hard for them to accept. This car accident thing years ago was stupid, it was a spur of the moment decision after something irreversibly bad happened, now I'm coming up with a long term, well thought out plan. When you're as good as dead, you have nothing to lose. You no longer fear death (at least you shouldn't, if you do PM me and I'll share my philosophy which makes me less scared of it than the average person) or permanent damage (because you can die at any time so things that happen in the material world are inconsequential), all you need then is the right philosophy that will inspire you to embrace pain and the worst case scenarios (i.e. a slow and painful death, imprisonment or any other forms of suffering) should they arise.

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Re: Have any of you attempted suicide? [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #16958785 -

I was raised Catholic so it was drilled into my head what a sin suicide is and how anyone who commits suicide will end up in purgatory for all eternity. As silly as it may sound for awhile that kept me from seriously considering suicide. But now I just feel like a body with no soul. Everyday for me is either moderate to shitty. I feel that I'm just a waste of human life so I feel as though me killing myself is just natural selection. I'm not among the fittest so meeting my end is only the natural order of things.

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Re: Have any of you attempted suicide? [Re: Blackbird33]
    #16966031 -

The ideas presented by mainstream Catholics are contradictory and ridiculous. If God is good, do you think he would let someone suffer for all eternity for choosing to end their own suffering in this lifetime? Do you think a benign God would inflict that fate on anyone? Besides, according to the bible, those who suffer greatly in this lifetime are those favored by God. Hebrews 12:6 - "because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.". Therefore you are loved and accepted by God more than most. Whatever way you die, you will be welcomed into heaven.

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Re: Have any of you attempted suicide? [Re: farnagy]
    #16966469 -

Two things have always stopped me short when I've come close to that edge,
1. not wanting to put my family through hell
2. the fear of something terrible on the other side

however pathetic it may sound I've found purpose in drugs

the happiness they provide keeps me going

having work to do helps to take away the pain by giving a sense of productivity

I talked with a friend the other day who used to be suicidally depressed, getting a job got him over it


--------------------
Look around you

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Re: Have any of you attempted suicide? [Re: Observatory]
    #16969864 -

When I was 14 almost 15, 10 years ago now, I ran away from home for 3 days, lived out in the woods and tried to slit my wrist. I don't know that I fully wanted to go through with it at that time and think my mind was just way out of wack, my parents didn't find out I tried to kill myself until a few weeks later when my mom touched my arm beneath my sweatshirt and felt that it was hugely swollen from my improperly trying to do it/trying to do it with basically nothing. It was not thought out at all, was irrational and I went to a psychiatrist.

Then 2 months later I (thought) i really planned out well how to kill myself, I first took literally every medication I could get my hands on in the house, probably 200-300 pills, had no idea if it would kill me but figured it would, after 2 hours it wasn't doing anything and my mom was going to be home soon so I decided to try to hang myself in the garage, did it with an extension cord and dropped but my neck didnt snap because i didn't fall far enough, my snap reaction was to pull myself back up while choking and untie it, don't know how physically i did it but I did.

Then I decided since i was such a failure i would again try to slit my wrist, failed to go deep enough and at this point just felt like a huge failure, talked to a friend of mine and they called the cops. Stomach pumped (worst experience EVER worse than any broken bones or surgeries i have had) and drank the charcoal shit, then was put in a short term psychiatric facility after recovering in the hospital for a week.

Most people stayed 7-14 days, I was stuck there for a month and a half probably because I wouldn't open up at all (i mean at the time my life was really not that bad when you looked at the overall details, so i didn't feel like i was lying when i said i was fine, my parents were the best parents i could ask for, i enjoyed many recreational activities, etc. but they seemed to think i was hiding something), it was really frustrating making groups of friends there and then having them all get out when their lives seemed to be way more fucked up then mine, I had a good home life and pretty much just had no friends besides my dad, was bullied very heavily at school etc. the usual story. In the back of my head I also was convinced I wanted to find out if there was really a god or not, it was a question I used to struggle with a lot when i was younger and I wish I had more exposure to outside religions/life theories at that point besides Christianity as it definitely would have helped.

10 years later I still deal with random spurts of depression and really hate it because it feels like everyone in the world deals with it, I honestly feel like a super weak person and am convinced half the time I cause it myself since I believe so much of today's depression epidemic is self caused, but no matter how much I believe this and how much I tell myself I can just stay positive some times i will wake up for days at a time just not wanting to deal with the world at all. At least now I have money/drugs/independence/no responsibilities to help deal with it, but I have gone through so much more now in my life and realize I was so naive to think my life sucked then.

My dad had a head injury a few years ago and was in a coma for 2 months, I dropped out of college and was his primary caretaker for 9 months until he was able to do daily tasks on his own, and now it is such a strain on my mother/family as a whole dealing with it that I really can't believe i thought my life sucked then when everything was great. I really really hate that I just can't feel normal all the time and it has really put a strain on any relationships i've tried to have, no girl has been able to deal with when i get in "my mood" as some have called it.

I haven't seriously contemplated suicide in a long time but the fleeting thought sometimes goes through my mind obviously. It also doesn't help that I play poker for a living which is probably one of the most emotionally unstable jobs you can pick in the world.

Edited by stanski (10/05/12 03:21 AM)

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Re: Have any of you attempted suicide? [Re: stanski]
    #16970019 -

stanski: I'm pretty sure depression isn't all psychosomatic. I've only recently become suicidal again and I'm fairly sure that the fact I am withdrawing from benzos plays a huge role. For the past 5 years, I have had the same problems but its only after a 6 month xanax binge then quitting that I suddenly see my problems as these grim, insurmountable problems that make life not worth living. Before that, I just wouldn't think about my problems at all, my mind would be naturally focused on other things. I think neurochemistry plays a huge role in everything. Most people completely fail to acknowledge this. They assume that everyone (with the exception of people diagnosed with a mental disorder) has the same baseline neurochemistry but this clearly isn't true.

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Re: Have any of you attempted suicide? [Re: farnagy]
    #16970057 -

I know it isn't all psychosomatic but it feels like I should just be able to get over my mental issues by being a strong enough person and positive enough. I just strongly believe a lot of society complains about depression and a lot of it is self caused, yet I myself can't seem to get out of that fucking state where I don't want to leave the house for days at a time (very easy when you work from home and with self checkouts/delivery nowadays, you don't even have to have any social contact at all really). Its just frustrating that I strongly feel like its something that you can get over through mental fortitude yet I can't seem to do it myself, sometimes I will have a "breakthrough" and think I will never go through it again after an amazing life experience/will break the depression by forcing myself out into nature for a while, then a few months later I'm back again feeling the same way.

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Re: Have any of you attempted suicide? [Re: farnagy]
    #16970107 -

I attempted a few times. First one my friend committed suicide, my best friend. It destroyed. I don't know if I was hallucinating that night, or if I had woken from a dream, but I saw him standing by me in my bed, and said "Come be with me." So I tried to hang myself in my closet, but the bar in my closet broke. When I landed on the floor I broke down crying.
The second time I took a bunch of pills. Someone found me because I woke up in a hospital. They said my BPM got down to 15 and I almost died. Someone found me around 6pm they said, and I had regained consciousness around 3:30am. But only long enough to say "Fuck you, I want to die!" and pass back out until 8am, where I woke up in the looney bin and spent 2 weeks.
I'm going to leave out the reasoning for the second one, but I now feel I have things to live for, and that was pretty mentally retarded of me.

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Re: Have any of you attempted suicide? [Re: stanski] * 1
    #16978306 -

As a teenager I was very very depressed, angry at everything.  I started self-harming when I was about 15 and this continued periodically until I was 20.  I had a few periods of happiness but for the most part was very very unhappy.  When I was 20 I took an overdose (100 painkillers) and ended up in hospital, but was discharged the next day after having an interview with a psych nurse who told me there was nothing wrong with me.  I very slowly got my act together after that point, although still had problems with intense depression until I was 23.  After doing mescaline once my life changed beyond all belief.  Since then I've been much happier but recently some old problems have been cropping up again and it's made me look at it in a slightly different light.

I realised that when I was depressed, it was awful and I hated it and wanted it to end so badly.  But there was also a part of me that "liked" it and wanted to stay miserable.  I'm not sure that part of me was my conscious mind, but I think it's something else altogether.  Eckhart Tolle calls it the pain body, the part of us where all pain we don't deal with properly is unconsciously stored.  The more pain, the bigger it gets, and the more it needs "feeding" with more pain, so it almost takes over you in an effort to induce that pain.  Depending on how much unresolved pain you've accumulated during your life, it can manifest itself from a few hours at a time, through to months and months of depression, or in some cases I'd imagine permanently. 

stanski said:
I know it isn't all psychosomatic but it feels like I should just be able to get over my mental issues by being a strong enough person and positive enough. I just strongly believe a lot of society complains about depression and a lot of it is self caused, yet I myself can't seem to get out of that fucking state where I don't want to leave the house for days at a time (very easy when you work from home and with self checkouts/delivery nowadays, you don't even have to have any social contact at all really). Its just frustrating that I strongly feel like its something that you can get over through mental fortitude yet I can't seem to do it myself, sometimes I will have a "breakthrough" and think I will never go through it again after an amazing life experience/will break the depression by forcing myself out into nature for a while, then a few months later I'm back again feeling the same way.


I had cycles like this for a long while.  After I had my mescaline breakthrough things did change permanently, but it was almost like I was forcing myself to be happy after a while.  What happened in my case was that I ended up with intrusive thoughts/OCD which I tried to ignore for ages until it started to make me desperately unhappy.  But what it actually was was my pain trying to be heard, unresolved issues that needed dealing with.  I didn't start to feel better until I managed to follow the trail of pain right back to it's starting point, accept it, and move on from it.  I can honestly say my life has irreversibly changed for the better since I realised this.  For the first time in my life I am genuinely happy.

And yeah, poker as fun as it is a tough job that is very very good at making nice people bitter and unhappy...I played "professionally" for a couple of years and saw what it did to me and other people who I cared about that also played.  I think it's OK if you can detach from the loses and bad beats but when you rely on it to live on, it's so stressful.  I got out of it in the end because it left me lacking a sense of purpose in life more than anything.


--------------------
Love is from the infinite, and will remain until eternity.
The seeker of love escapes the chains of birth and death.
Tomorrow, when resurrection comes,
The heart that is not in love will fail the test.
~ Rumi


The day we start giving Love instead of seeking Love, we will have re-written our whole destiny.
~ Swami Chinmayanada Saraswatir

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