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OfflineFliquid
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To those who ever wished to commit suicide.
    #1815827 - 08/15/03 03:16 AM (13 years, 11 months ago)

I hope to speak to people here who wished for death in the past..

My experience is, that in depressing situations those same thoughts and feelings come back..

I've passed beyond the real doing of the suicide, but i still loop from very good to extremely bad... And it sucks like hell at times.. Maybe we're all a bit manic..

Please try and relate..

(altered for typo)


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Edited by Fliquid (08/15/03 04:51 AM)


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OfflineLikwidDrawp
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Re: To those who ever wished to commit suicide. [Re: Fliquid]
    #1815843 - 08/15/03 03:27 AM (13 years, 11 months ago)

Sometimes I would kill myself, but I would end up re-incarnated back on this shitty plain, so I cant. Other times, I wonder why anyone wouldnt want to live. We do choose our reactions, but if you were to grow up in a trailer park in an abusive home you will more than likely reflect that in one way or another.

There is one person on this planet that can make me angry enough to want to die. That is my father, whenever I saw (and still do) see him stumbling around drunk, in a distorted angry view of the world. It makes me sad because he is a good person who studies many many books of every subject, biast/unbiast view, religion, mythology, etc.. He is good when not drunk he becomes intellectually sharp, he is a mechanical genius, he is kind hearted. Will I become a distored person who is more hazardous to those I love than myself? If so, will I do it from the time I get home til the time I pass out every day? Am I better off dead? I then sway back and tell myself I have learned to not be like that from example. I will continue to live, and my fate (i hope) is not set in stone.

We've all had our ups and downs. I guess that makes us all manic.


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OfflineFliquid
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Re: To those who ever wished to commit suicide. [Re: LikwidDrawp]
    #1815986 - 08/15/03 04:53 AM (13 years, 11 months ago)

Yes, when you have those experiences you learn from them.
But my experience is that i go back to very bad from very good..
There are days i just feel bad in a non suicidal way ofcourse..
But i wish i would no longer have the urge for death...


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InvisibleFungushungry
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Re: To those who ever wished to commit suicide. [Re: Fliquid]
    #1816336 - 08/15/03 10:10 AM (13 years, 11 months ago)

Sometimes manic depression just takes over you..thats what happened to me back in 01.. i was so depressed i could almost stop my heart ... now that ive came back from that bad experience it would take alot more now to push me back over those ledges..


--------------------
"Early man walked away
As modernman took control
There mind's weren't all the same
And to conquer was their goal
So he built his great empire
And he slaughtered his own kind
He died a confused man
And killed himself in his own mind"


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InvisibleAdden
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Re: To those who ever wished to commit suicide. [Re: Fliquid] * 2
    #1816388 - 08/15/03 10:39 AM (13 years, 11 months ago)

Heh, seven years ago, I was 13 years old and 335 pounds. I wore size 58 pants. I drank about a twelve pack of soda a day and my meals consisted of hot pockets, junk food, and pretty much anything else I could get my hands on. I was thoroughly unhappy with life.

I was writing up my suicide note and had everything planned out. About 5 minutes before I was about to do myself in, my uncle called, and told me he was taking me camping/fishing. I was in tears when he called and he asked what was wrong, and I said nothing, so he told me to pack up and be ready to go in thirty.

I was sick of life. I was sick of being so goddamn fat. It was horrible.

We went up to Cape Cod for 2 weeks, and I came back almost forty (no lie) pounds lighter. Granted, most was water weight, but when you go from an 8000-10,000+ calorie diet a day to <2000, and throw in a bunch of exercise, you lose weight real fast. It was during this trip that I realized we really all do have a firm control on our lives, and we can control to a certain extent what happens to us and what doesn't. During the course of the next year, I lost another hundred pounds. Down to a slim 195. (this was a few years ago, I'm 215 now but a lot more muscular).

Whenever I gain weight, or start having a "fat day" (not only women have these), I don't just feel a little depressed.. I feel as depressed as I was when I was writing that note out and usually suicide hangs in the back of my mind - if I let my mind get away from me. The key is to remember that you have the power to change anything that's depressing/upsetting you, so why just sit back and let it do so? Do something about it. You are the master of your own universe.

Do not succumb to things you can change, and remember, everything is fixable. Things get better, and things get worse. It's up to you to fix them when they get bad, and not let them affect you in a negative way.

Keep your head up man, life is all we've got.


--------------------



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OfflineFliquid
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Re: To those who ever wished to commit suicide. [Re: Adden]
    #1816399 - 08/15/03 10:43 AM (13 years, 11 months ago)

Thank you, that was wonderfull..


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OfflineStrumpling
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Re: To those who ever wished to commit suicide. [Re: Fliquid]
    #1818216 - 08/15/03 10:31 PM (13 years, 11 months ago)

I think everybody I know is depressed; its hard to tell if that's just me projecting my depression on them, or if its actually true..

I see anxiety, depression, and overall "dis-ease" levels rising in all citizens.

This, as sad as it is, actually makes me feel much better lol because I know I'm not alone - its not "JUST ME" that's fucked-up, but something else as well if so many other people are experiencing the same types of feelins I have/do. I think these next couple generations of kids are going to be so fucked up that something's going to have to change soon....

I'm curious: how many people here would consider themselves "clinically depressed?" and better yet, how many people here are "certifiably clinically depressed" heh meaning some quack-ass doctor has said "yup you're depressed alright; here take these pills."


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Offlineahel
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Re: To those who ever wished to commit suicide. [Re: Strumpling]
    #1819379 - 08/16/03 10:22 AM (13 years, 11 months ago)

I had 2 serious attempts at suicide this past year, i was diagnosed as bipolar about a year ago and have been on and off medication for the past year, i could not escape that suicidal feeling. I found out my gf had been cheating on me with one of my "friends" and lying to me about it for a couple months, i hit rock bottom and attempted suicide again... this time what i did was put a plastic bag over my head, put a belt into a slip knot and nailed one end to the wall pretty high up, i hyperventilated myself then applied pressure to my neck so that i would pass out and theoretically fall and there would be no oxygen so i would not wake up from blacking out and i would just die... about a minute into suffocation i woke up realized what i would look like when my dad or sister found me, i realized i couldnt do that to them and i also came to the conclusion that yeah life sucks sometimes, but theres no point in not experiencing it no matter how bad it gets, the >100 years that your alive is not very long compared to the eternity elsewhere. When things get bad now, i just tell myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and keep my chin up. P.S I have also willfully discontinued all of my medication because i feel like i can control myself to the point where i do not have to get upset about shit. I have not thought about suicide since my attempt in early april. I believe that school may have been a contributing factor to my constant depression, I dropped out and got a GED and I will be attending college this year full tiem and also working a full time job. This year has been shit but its made a complete 180 in the past couple months... I'm still with the girl who cheated on me, and she still makes me feel like shit, but shes leaving for college in a few days and I hope thats the end of it.
My Older brother was diagnosed as HIV positive about 13 years ago, he has been near death for the past year, My mother was diagnosed with a very severe case of MS a couple years ago and has been in and out of hospitals since. My father has a humber of things wrong with him. None of the afore mentioned people are supposed to live much more then a couple years more. My mom was not a parent, she neglected both me and my sister in many ways, she was addicted to coke throughout her pregnancy with both me and my younger sister and was an alcoholic to boot, my sister was born with learning difficulties because of this. She tried to kill me when i was younger by forcing me to drink turpentine, she was removed from the house and full custody givin to my father. Now that she is dying, I am quite unsure of how i should feel about it. The only thing i have noticed since bouncing back from a horrible depression a few months ago is that my skin is very thick now and i am not very sympethetic for people, well my GF in particular.


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Anonymous #1

Re: To those who ever wished to commit suicide. [Re: Fliquid]
    #1819388 - 08/16/03 10:37 AM (13 years, 11 months ago)

You never have a permenant solution to a temporary problem.

Depression is, 99% of the time, fleeting.


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InvisiblejohnB`
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Re: To those who ever wished to commit suicide. [Re: ]
    #1819486 - 08/16/03 12:27 PM (13 years, 11 months ago)

Depression to me is a term coined for feeling like shit. Plain and simple. You feel like shit at times and you feel great at times. Never allow yourself to get too high or too low. If you do, you notice the change from low to high, or high to low and over emphasize it into more than it is. Find the middle ground in life and call it home.

And yes, life is all you've got. It's so precious.


--------------------
The greatest form has no shape.


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OfflineFliquid
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Re: To those who ever wished to commit suicide. [Re: Strumpling]
    #1828601 - 08/19/03 04:01 AM (13 years, 11 months ago)

They medicated me also. But i quit that shit, it removed all my feelings..


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OfflineFliquid
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Re: To those who ever wished to commit suicide. [Re: ahel]
    #1828612 - 08/19/03 04:05 AM (13 years, 11 months ago)

My mother has done me wrong also, you can hate her if you want to.
Ban her from your life. Family does not mean you have to bare with all the shit they give you. You come here alone. And leave alone. So choose
for yourself. Selfish? No, you do not live for others entertainment.
You are alive to provide your children (if you have them) with knowledge
and guidance.
And please YOURSELF.

So if she did all that to you, and is suffering for what she did now.
Let her suffer, and start enjoying your life. Without all the misery.


--------------------
:dancing: My latest music! :yesnod:


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OfflineFliquid
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Re: To those who ever wished to commit suicide. [Re: ]
    #1828616 - 08/19/03 04:07 AM (13 years, 11 months ago)

When i was younger i never had this kind of bad feelings..


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Offlineruskifile
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Re: To those who ever wished to commit suicide. [Re: Fliquid]
    #1845000 - 08/24/03 08:20 AM (13 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

I hope to speak to people here who wished for death in the past..

My experience is, that in depressing situations those same thoughts and feelings come back..

I've passed beyond the real doing of the suicide, but i still loop from very good to extremely bad... And it sucks like hell at times.. Maybe we're all a bit manic..
 





Yeah I can definately relate!

Over a period of about 6 years I tried to commit suicide several times (needing the charcoal treatment - hmm real fun  :razz:) but i've been depressed for as long as I can remember....and that's a long fuckin' time LOL...


The only way as far as I have found to begin to be finally free of this lifelong painful and destructive mindset is to become completely aware of your thoughts, as you learn to do with methods like positive mindful meditation, cognitive therapy etc.


Once you begin to view your thinking from a detached observer point of view then you begin to see that much of your thinking is:


  • false thoughts, due to poor esteem issues - it doesn't stand up to logic.

    Like am I in the cold light of reality as my friends & family see me this horrible person that I keep telling myself I am constantly etc etc??


  • wasteful thoughts - constant worrying about what other people think about you, whether they are judging, commenting unfavourably etc.

    If you hold yourself to be worthy and OK enough as you are without anyone else's opinion, then what other people say doesn't matter. It can't affect you...and those same ppl are most likely going to be judging you thru their own dysfunction anyway as you now *know* you are a good person, despite what you might have thought in the past. So therefore what they think is also crap, you don't have to take it in. You've now got a CHOICE whether to believe them - and if it's gonna hurt you and its logically bullshit anyway , then you don't have to.
     

  • Dwelling on the past - ha! done plenty of this LOL...If you don't let go of what happens in the past (considering it can never be changed anyway) you are still immobilised NOW in the pain of that past and you cannot look to the future with any possibility of happiness. That doesn't mean repress and forget it, but learn from what happened and let it go. (easier said than done I know hehe)Forgive yourself for stuff you've done and other shit that happened to you as being falliable and human...the product of people when they don't like themselves.



Invariably people treat you badly out of their own hangups...no one who was happy and content within themselves wants or needs to fuck another person over....everything they need they get from within...




A Russian proverb states:

"Stare too hard at the past
And you're blind in one eye.

But ignore it completely
And you're blind in both."




It's difficult in the beginning when you have never even attempted to control your thoughts, but you get to recognise the negative thoughts/obsessions etc for what they are - just fucked-up thinking. Then you can have a choice of what to think....hopefully putting some positive input into your mind (which will make it less likely that you will think the negative destructive thoughts as readily next time)

A constant process of being vigilant to what you are thinking, but no more whipping yourself when you slip up either LOL  :wink: It becomes more second nature the more you do it...suddenly you find yourself thinking 'like a happy person does'....and therefore feeling happier.



*Thinking>>creates all>>Feelings*




god i hope that made some sense to someone  :grin:



             


--------------------
(zhukov in a previous life....)

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OfflineFliquid
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Re: To those who ever wished to commit suicide. [Re: ruskifile]
    #1847493 - 08/25/03 05:21 AM (13 years, 10 months ago)

It was clear enough for me.

My girlfriend broke up with me again.
We are going to have to stay toghether in the same house again.
She said she has no feelings for me anymore again.
And she says i have no rights over my baby daughter again. And i don't have rights because i trusted her too much in the past. She kept delaying my rights papers..

I don't want to get back with her again. She lives in a constant negative spiral. And she always wants me to go into the spiral with her. While i keep saying  enjoy what you have, it happens only once. Leave these negative situations which have no meaning at THIS moment. They can be handled later. Enjoy NOW! But she says yes i know, and does the opposite..

I guess she just can't ever see life as i see it. I think it might be better if i just leave them (her and the kids) alone. And go along with life on my own (he said in an easy sentence)..

All this shit is not even effecting my feelings anymore, its happened too many times now for me to even feel sad about it.

We we're 7 years toghether yesterday, and now its really over. I'm not going to let myself be talked back into it again. I don't need the pain it gives me.

If someone can say anything about this to lighten my heart or give a clear point of view please do. I will give more info when needed due to correct a wrong conclusion, if made.

Joy...  :frown: 


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Offlinelucid
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Re: To those who ever wished to commit suicide. [Re: Fliquid]
    #1862483 - 08/29/03 01:25 PM (13 years, 10 months ago)

Interesting....
If u read my old posts u'll notice that I'm commin "from the other side". I used to be a happy cheerful person and went from that to
freekin Suicidally depressed after a single traumatizin shroom trip.
I must say that I could never realate to depression in the past.
Like someone here mentioned, I too thought Depression was just a coined term for "havin a bad day"...IT'S NOT ! Trust me :smirk:
If that's your idea of Depression then I hope u never get to experience REAL Major Depression...


--------------------
"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."


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OfflineMorbidHamster
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Re: To those who ever wished to commit suicide. [Re: lucid]
    #1863806 - 08/29/03 10:06 PM (13 years, 10 months ago)

I to have felt the same way but im slowly inch by inch milimetre by milimetre beating my severe depresion i have lived wih for the past 4 years. I know chmicals are bad but i think ive found a true friend who i can talk to through MDMA they say ecstacy is a bad drug but i have found it is a very opening drug that helps me to dig myself out of a hole of self pity, which is all it is!

Sure we've had bad times, who hasnt but we seem to latch on to things that bring us down and slowly im realising you've got to let them go, their all part of life and we should learn from them, not give into it and let it drag us down. I ope this makes some kind of sense? Maybe it doest but at least i tried to help.

>Morbid<


Edited by MorbidHamster (08/29/03 10:12 PM)


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Offlineseraphnz
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Re: To those who ever wished to commit suicide. [Re: Fliquid]
    #11837855 - 01/15/10 10:33 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

Fliquid said:
They medicated me also. But i quit that shit, it removed all my feelings.. 




Me too, so I stopped.
Id rather feel the depths of darkness / light, the pain & pleasures of existence.
Than not feel at all

Professional doc's eh?
Its a strange and ironic paradox.

(my bad for bumping)


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Anonymous #2

Re: To those who ever wished to commit suicide. [Re: Fliquid]
    #12235404 - 03/20/10 05:22 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

I've lived with depression for over 25 years. It's time to die! I have no love or compassion for others. I pretty much hate all of you. no matter who you are. No matter how much you care or don't care. I'm selfish, Irresponsible, unloving and uncaring individual. I have no other reason for dying. I have a good job, a caring wife and children and loving parents. I own a house, a good car and am reasonably successful. I can do anything I put my mind to, I just don't have any reason to do it. No motivation to continue doing it. It's not the ability I lack but the motivation. I simply don't care.

I haven't cared about my wife, my kids or my parents in years. If they died tomorrow It would just be another event in a hopeless and fruitless life. I have defiled myself in word and deed long enough. I haven't the courage or the motivation to change.

Some of you may be thinking that this is a plea for help. It's not. I don't know any of you and therefor your words mean nothing to me. Even if I knew you, your words would mean nothing to me. That's the part that fulfills the unloving and uncaring individual.

I'm a guy who thinks he's smart but is an idiot. Thats to save you downlookers from from telling me something I don't already know.

I know for a fact that this action ends in hell. A worse and more terrifying place than I am in now, But I say why prolong the enevitable. A man who is condemned to this fate knows that he is condemned to it. Just as Judas understood that his action was eternally damning, So I too Know that I am eternally damned.

Paul was the vilest of sinners. He killed and tortured christians for a living before he converted and became a Christian and then paid for his early years by undergoing the same persecution that he administered, thus redeeming him To God. This is for those who think I don't understand redemption and would preach the gospel to me.

One has to love God before he can be redeemed, and I don't. How can one love God who hates himself. Suicide is the ultimate rejection of GOD's Grace and is done by the selfish individual who refuses to let God do it for him.

So why am I writting this? I don't know, I assume it's my statement of regret. My way of saying that I'm sorry for living. My way of saying I'm sorry that GOD wasted his precious time on my creation.

As far as this post goes, The best and fastest way to kill yourself without pain is asphyxiation, depriving the brain of oxygen while at the same time allowing yourself to breathe freely. A good dose of nitrous oxide available at your local automotive dealer will get you started followed by a constant stream of helium, available as a ballon filler and used with some tourch assembleies, available at anywhere tourches are in use, followed by a carbon monoxide drench, don't forget to take the catalytic converter off of your car and disable the oxygen sensors first. or if you have a car older than the 1979 no adjustments are necessary.


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OfflineGrok
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Re: To those who ever wished to commit suicide. [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #12235441 - 03/20/10 05:48 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Woah, that was intense. Were you brought up religious?


--------------------
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