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Offlineleery11
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Totally lost it. Psychedelics = suicide?
    #5492346 - 04/08/06 10:19 AM (17 years, 9 months ago)

Man. That's all I can think. You are killing yourself when you trip. When you want to trip. I was possessed ..... and....... my energy was running out of control. I felt like I was going to descend straight into hell and never come back. I felt like Satan took over me...... or tried to. But I don't even believe in such things. But I also do believe in such things.

And now I'm back down and all I think is that I still may continue down this path, because I want resolution. But I am, so, markedly, sure, that when I was high.... that if I keep doing this it WILL kill me.

It's fucked up.
I don't know what to believe in. This was on DXM about 428 mg...... I was having a blast and fixing my energy.... right..... and then ego loss came and I said NO NO NO NO NO NO.... and I went through hell..... and I could NOT accept letting go, I just couldn't.... it would have been the death of me, and I was so scared of it.

I don't care what the rational mind says, I would have died. Maybe not. Maybe not physically. But in my mind.... I would have.......

Have I been possessed by a drive to destroy myself and this is why I want to trip? Or is this a double edged sword.... is this liberation as soon as I'm able to let go?

It seems evil. But not. So many things. I don't know if this is my way. But ..... I have a desire to trip that is still inside me... so is this desire nothing more than a suicide drive?


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!


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OfflineSneezingPenis
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Re: Totally lost it. Psychedelics = suicide? [Re: leery11]
    #5492376 - 04/08/06 10:34 AM (17 years, 9 months ago)

that isnt tripping... nor is it really responsible usage, especially after all the posts I have seen from you about bad trips on DXM and such.


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Invisiblegoobler
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Re: Totally lost it. Psychedelics = suicide? [Re: leery11]
    #5492387 - 04/08/06 10:38 AM (17 years, 9 months ago)

evil is real, you just don't want to admit it


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Offlineleery11
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Re: Totally lost it. Psychedelics = suicide? [Re: SneezingPenis]
    #5492389 - 04/08/06 10:38 AM (17 years, 9 months ago)

I've never had a bad trip on DXM before.

What do you mean it isn't tripping?

I mean.... I was not fully linked to the psychedelic frequency but walls were melting, closed eyes lead to these purple forms repeating infinitely and a spiral opened up as I fell into the SALVIA frequency, literally, totaly 100% went into the salvia frequency for a while......

it was tripping. Upper level 2.

can you tell me what responsible usage is? What you mean by that? I wasn't ready, no... and I debated heavily doing it... but I had to ascertain whether or not it was important to continue the psychedelic path because I was considering doing mushrooms very soon and needed to make sure this was right for me. I was great... then I listened to pink floyd, thought of the devil, boom.

stuck in a bad time the rest of the trip.

It seems to me I don't need to trip.... and it seemed to the high me that I needed to simply work on grounding to reality, practicing yoga, lucid dreaming, etc..... and to not trip. But I really enjoy being high up to a certain point where I can feel and harness my energy, work on balancing my chakras, and go at my own pace just as small or as far as I want to.

I think I just don't want to nor am ready to surrender to ego dissolution, i.e. big doses of things. But please friend do not tell me that this is not tripping... this is the most tripping I've done..... I know it can be more immersive, to where you have strong OEVs, senses blend together, and closing my eyes would have literally taken me to another realm...... but this was a trip and a fairly strong one for me.

The thing is I don't know how you're ever ready for this, ever........ no matter what you do.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!


Edited by leery11 (04/08/06 10:42 AM)


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OfflineSneezingPenis
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Re: Totally lost it. Psychedelics = suicide? [Re: leery11]
    #5492455 - 04/08/06 10:59 AM (17 years, 9 months ago)

ok... sorry I didnt give you the answer you were fishing for.


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Offlineleery11
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Re: Totally lost it. Psychedelics = suicide? [Re: SneezingPenis]
    #5492492 - 04/08/06 11:11 AM (17 years, 9 months ago)

Oh well I know that you are correct.... I was not responsible.......

I wonder what answer I AM looking for?

I just did some rigorous tai chi and realized that I am letting other people live for me, think for me, etc... basing my views off of others and so this ends up with me feeling weak and consumed and creates a huge war in my head where I don't know what to believe in.

I need to just live. right now, be here now. and .... as of this moment I think the Buddhist path is the most correct for me.... so I may very well become a Buddhist, it's sensible, it incorporates the validity of psychedelia but through meditation, it's a guide on how to live this life, peacefully and without stress and to be in harmony.... and its just all around practical and seems to foster the merits necessary to discern truth, peace, and understanding.

What I will say is that my root and sacral plexus are not open, so the solar plexus upon opening makes me feel like I'm being consumed, so I must find a way to open them..... because there's a ton of energy in my crown/third eye.... generally..... next to none in the throat..... and give or take sometimes some in solar plexus or heart.....

so..... that's why I freaked out.... I wasn't grounded enough. I need to work on earth and water before I can move up. And I should indeed be okay.

So this is such the tricky thing, because psychedelics are tools which can aide in energy work, but but but...... not like this! Maybe it's best to stick with eating cannabis once in a while to harness my chi effectively while staying grounded?

Or perhaps tai chi really will do all I need to get it flowing? It sure brought some harmony to me right now.

All I know is... this isn't how you can live, terrified of hell and judging everyone thinking they are out to destroy you....... because if you believe that shit it might as well be true. I have freedom of choice, it's jsut going to be a tricky process to foster it.

So thanks to anyone who has anything to say... I could write the trip up in detail but...... it would just paint me as a loon.... I had a friend come over and I talked to her about all the things running through my head, she didn't have much to say that could really help me but her presence helped a lot...... then we went driving and I just surrended to the unknown and it felt good to be in a car in motion, somehow it freed me......

then i went to bed and "flew" into my third eye, which I have done twice so far, it's interesting because....... everything feels so much more real, and it takes me to this little white "strand" that symbolizes flight somehow and is nestled in a room. I tried to take a girl all the way up flying with me but she got scared and I was so high that I didn't feel like taking her back down so I just put a parachute on her and dropped her. I wonder this is a metaphor for me.... something, someone, or simply the chemical, is taking me up and I say "no!" so it just throws me back down to deal with the elevation I had just reached?

I know things will work out. But I still have one huge dilemma that I face....... I hope to make the best of things and to find true God/Jesus/Buddha etc.... whatever it is, if it's inside me or if its a deity its fine.

But psychedelics? man they are so interesting, so worthwhile yet so dangerous psychologically......... I don't know. I think I'll talk to this mushroom guy and if he seems to really care about my plight maybe he would be willing to do a light dose with me and help me figure stuff out, and if not I will not trip anymore at least conceivably for some while, hopefully....... because I need some ground work.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!


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Offlinebrowndustin
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Re: Totally lost it. Psychedelics = suicide? [Re: leery11]
    #5492497 - 04/08/06 11:12 AM (17 years, 9 months ago)

The more you fight it, the harder it gets imo.

When my ego was being ripped out of my asshole, I tried so hard to grasp whatever pieces I still could. I could only remember that I had to work the next day and almost cried in public. It was an epic battle, me against the universe for what seemed like eons...

I don't think that many people ARE ever ready for this. Much like salvia, you just have to jump in. Don't fight it, let it take over because it will be done with soon enough... then you can learn from what happened. I think the exact opposite of what you do, I think you're LEARNING, living and growing when you do psychedelics. It just takes some time to learn the lessons from them, pick them apart and make sense of things. Perhaps things got too intense and you just wouldn't let go. I know things like this can be too much at once, far too disorganized and alien but you just have to go with it. Maybe I'm just optimistic after my first rough experience, but I've come to appreciate them the most.

I don't know what made you preoccupy yourself with such an insane amount of negativity. There is a polar extremity in the universe and that is evil. So what? Are you gonna let it eat you up or whine about it all of the time? Psychedelics have a habit of bringing these dismal emotions and thoughts out of people, but don't let that take you over like some chump. Keep your head up man, jeeze. You should feel pretty excited or blessed to have seen things the way you did. For there's an extreme opposite of what you saw. I won't get all deep or anything, but seeing the things I've seen on psychedelics made me appreciate things a lot more. There's life in everything. Your head's just in the gutter right now.

I won't try to act like I know sooo much about psychedelics or anything. I've probably only had about 50 really psychonautical adventures (salvia, shrooms, high doses of hash and marijuana, etc), but my ego loss experience on mushrooms did open up a lot of doors. And it helped me to quickly cope with situations like the one you were in. I can't describe it except for absolute ego loss. Thankfully I still had the afterglow effect and it really changed my life. Do you think you're going to feel like this for the rest of your life? Are you going to dwell on these negative thoughts for really no beneficial reason? Evil is here, there and everywhere. Don't fear it or spend an exceptional amount of time thinking about it. I played little games, just recognizing and identifying evil. It's nothing to be afraid of, so don't let it consume you. Granted I haven't taken very high doses of psychedelics in the past couple of years (haven't even really tripped off shrooms in a few years), the encounters I do have are typically tranquil and spiritual.

I guess the biggest think keeping me from having a straight up BAD TRIP is the fact that even if I do, I'll probably learn so, so much! For me, this thought alone is probably reassuring enough to keep me from having a negative time. I won't let depression or ego loss get the best of me. Whatever happens is meant to happen. I just have to accept it and make the best of it. If I don't, then I'm shooting myself in the foot. I'm still not perfect, nor are all my trips but they're better than living a nightmare for hours on end. :mushroom2:


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When the stress burns my brain it's like acid raindrops
maryjane is the only thing that makes the pain stop


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OfflineBikerfool
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Re: Totally lost it. Psychedelics = suicide? [Re: browndustin]
    #5492542 - 04/08/06 11:28 AM (17 years, 9 months ago)

I like that Browndustin. Those are some good words man.
It can be hard to put the pieces back together sometimes. I don't know if i've been through experiences at all similar to what you guys are describing. I know that i have lost my "ego" and probably more. I guess I'd relate where I am as waking up one day and being a diiferent person than I was the day before. It's hard to understand. Maybe I should try to stop dwelling on It. The trip is what made me though. I don't think I can forget that.


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Just an angsty teen contributing to the pubs decline with contentless posts.


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Offlineleery11
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Re: Totally lost it. Psychedelics = suicide? [Re: browndustin]
    #5492578 - 04/08/06 11:36 AM (17 years, 9 months ago)

edit: these are personal thoughts for me to work out....

I just feel like I have put too much into a certain band and am not sure whether or not they are as divine as they pretend to be. Part of me thinks they may be enlightened beings trying to reach through music but the other part sees the inherent darkness and negativity of some of their lyrics and....

this is where the conflict arose, leading me to feel possessed by said lyricist.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!


Edited by leery11 (04/08/06 12:44 PM)


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Offlinekotik
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Re: Totally lost it. Psychedelics = suicide? [Re: leery11]
    #5492653 - 04/08/06 11:55 AM (17 years, 9 months ago)

personally, i am not scared of "evil" images when tripping. i constantly see disfigured faces, strange noises and an overwhelming "love" of darkness. hard to explain, but all i know is id really like to see silent hill tripping.


--------------------
No statements made in any post or message by myself should be construed to mean that I am now, or have ever been, participating in or considering participation in any activities in violation of any local, state, or federal laws. All posts are works of fiction.


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Offlinebrowndustin
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Re: Totally lost it. Psychedelics = suicide? [Re: leery11]
    #5493097 - 04/08/06 01:34 PM (17 years, 9 months ago)

I understand.

I don't understand you literally, because like you say that's something that's all in your mind. However, I can respect what you're saying and relate to you. :thumbsup:

I hate to always refer to myself, but.. I spent a lot of time being depressed, and I can honestly say about 17/20 years of my life I was just extremely overwhelmed and obsessed with negative thoughts. It gets you no where. It wasn't psychedelics that turned things around, but one day things clicked and it stayed that way. The cogs in my brain turned, and instead of going no where I WENT somewhere. Sometimes these thoughts creep back into my mind and manifest into something that I almost cannot tame. I get a twiching sensation in my chest, and when I read what you're saying I keep remembering this.

Don't let these thoughts govern your mind. Be open and let them enter, because it's inevitable and ludicrous to shun negativity. I find that identifying things an analyzing them without being overwhelmed by them's another way to cope. I'm looking for the right words here but they're not coming out, I apologize. People aren't perfect. Your friends aren't perfect, but hopefully their path to liberation is more or less righteous. I love music as well, but the lyrics aren't always perfect. Sometimes things just click, even though they don't make the most sense. Sometimes things sound pretty dope, but maybe it's a little bit stupid if taken too seriously. Ya get?

Now that you've had this experience, why don't you tell buddy? What does he have to say about it? I'm assuming you guys are rather tight, for the most part... trip with him. Smoke a doobie, I don't know you really. But now that you have this understanding, I'd personally suggest doing something proactive. Again, I'm not you and I don't want to preach at all. Just throwin in my two pennies. Sometimes breakthroughs, revelations and ephiphanies take a while to sink in. Then you disect them from all different point of views. Hold that thought for a while and see where it takes you, mang. :yinyang:


--------------------
When the stress burns my brain it's like acid raindrops
maryjane is the only thing that makes the pain stop


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OfflineGomp
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Re: Totally lost it. Psychedelics = suicide? [Re: leery11]
    #5493289 - 04/08/06 02:42 PM (17 years, 9 months ago)

Eat poisonous mushrooms, and you could die.
Eat magical mushroom, and you could trip ?

:laugh::thumbup:


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InvisibleMOTH
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Re: Totally lost it. Psychedelics = suicide? [Re: leery11]
    #5493464 - 04/08/06 03:38 PM (17 years, 9 months ago)

Come on, you should be excited about death. "Suicide" is just a word. What's so "wrong" and "bad" about death and "the devil" anyway? The devil you experienced is just a manifestation of your ego trying to distract you from experiencing a transcendence of that which you call "yourself." If I could obliterate my ego and everything having to do with ME, then I would in a heartbeat. I am so desperate to kill my ego for good and to experience death that I fantasize about it several times a day (ironically yet another distraction of my ego).

Sounds like you need to understand the 'parts of you' better, and I understand you are doing that by starting this thread. That "devil" you experienced was nothing but your ego, man. And the more you fight your ego during a trip, the more horrific and terrifying it will become in your mind. It will contrive any negativity possible to drive you from your goal. (what is your goal when you trip on psychedelics?)

I suggest you take a "break" from psychedelics and do some groundwork (like meditation, exercise, getting your sober life where it needs to be for you to be happy). I do recall seeing other posts from you where you've had a few unpleasant and difficult experiences on psychedelics. It could be you're just not at a place in your life where you're able to take an unmolested journey inside of yourself, right now. Why keep subjecting yourself to tripping if you're not going to be able to enjoy it, or if it's becoming more of a negative thing then a positive thing?

The one thing you can do is look at all your negative trips in a positive light, and try to learn something from them, which I understand you are attempting to do. I think it's a HUGE stretch of the imagination to allude using psychedelics to self-destruction or suicide. Maybe self-destruction is what brought a lot of us HERE, to use them, but I can tell you that self-destruction is NOT why I continue to use them. HEALING is why I use them, TEACHING is why I use them.

Am I deluding myself? Who cares. I have to go by what I feel, and I feel psychoactives are a positive influence in my life. Go by what you feel inside, Leery. If you feel psychedelics may be negative for you, then don't ignore yourself, stop using them. If you feel that you can learn something positive from your negative trip experiences, then take a break and use again later with respect.

It's up to you really. But practice "letting go" in sober life and I guarantee it will help you when you're tripping.

Anyway. Here's to death and killing our egos.


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OfflineBirds_Can_Swim
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Re: Totally lost it. Psychedelics = suicide? [Re: leery11]
    #5493471 - 04/08/06 03:40 PM (17 years, 9 months ago)

I suppose Pyschedelics could lead to suicide...

But suicide in themselves?

Nope


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OfflineJackattack
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Re: Totally lost it. Psychedelics = suicide? [Re: Birds_Can_Swim]
    #5493735 - 04/08/06 04:53 PM (17 years, 9 months ago)

Do you hear yourself talk you are insane if you beleive in this.


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OfflineMushroomTrip
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Re: Totally lost it. Psychedelics = suicide? [Re: browndustin]
    #5494260 - 04/08/06 07:27 PM (17 years, 9 months ago)

You're saying great words here, and you're soooo right. If you just let yourself live and sense anything that comes to you ( good and bad) cause that's life and you don't panic on the idea of "evil", you'll most likely find out that "negative vibrations" feed with fear.
Anything has it's purpose, bad teaches you to appreciate good things in life, but in order to do that, you must live it. And know it.
We're made to learn and evolve, and the only ones that actually puts a stop to evolution in ourselves. We do it out of instinct, we do it out of ignorance, masochism and the unconscious plays a big role in this whole process.
Instead of running away from our fears, we should accept and embrace them. So we can know what this is all about. Then deal with them not by hating the bad feeling, but by living it to the maximum.
And try to keep in mind that no matter how down you get, your soul can't be destroyed. There will always be a glimpse of light which will show you the way back. If you just allow it to do so.


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs

:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:


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OfflineBirds_Can_Swim
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Re: Totally lost it. Psychedelics = suicide? [Re: Jackattack]
    #5495431 - 04/09/06 01:53 AM (17 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

Jackattack said:
Do you hear yourself talk you are insane if you beleive in this.




Could you elaborate please?

I was refering to physical suicide


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There is no valid reason why you should be reading this


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InvisibleNoetical
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Re: Totally lost it. Psychedelics = suicide? [Re: Birds_Can_Swim]
    #5495579 - 04/09/06 04:36 AM (17 years, 9 months ago)

yOU crazuy niggaaaa!!!


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OfflineHighGuy
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Re: Totally lost it. Psychedelics = suicide? [Re: Noetical]
    #5496346 - 04/09/06 11:57 AM (17 years, 9 months ago)

I always felt like that on higher doses of DXM. Probably because the reason it fucks you up is that its frying your braincells, so in a way you are sort of dying.  :rolleyes:


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Start making America free again.


Edited by HighGuy (04/09/06 11:58 AM)


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Offlineleery11
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Re: Totally lost it. Psychedelics = suicide? [Re: HighGuy]
    #5499094 - 04/10/06 08:10 AM (17 years, 9 months ago)

I dunno that it fries your braincells, there isn't really any evidence in support of Olney's lesions in humans.

anyway..............

This is such a tough issue. Okay first of all I guess I have to explain that I'm wired deep inside to believe key things, and this wiring is through conditioned TERROR..... when I was young I was made terrified of hell.....

so I cannot really trip and experience inner fire without thinking that instead of it being a liberating fire, say, of the solar plexus... it is instead the fires of hell set to damn me away for eternity.... even though I had a visitor (kind of demonic looking, and it turned out to be my dog? yeah that's hard to explain) tell me that hell isn't particularly what I think it is, its rather illusory and not worth worrying about.....

but I mean........... I go into this assuming it has MEANING... okay. And I listen to this band and some of the stuff he says means so much to me that I get in my head that he's some sort of Boddhisattva, or some sort of DEMON.... and so when this happened to me... I felt like he wanted me to die and he was trying to kill me..... and then I felt like he was controlling my body and stuff..... and I just couldn't sit still all I was was anxiety that at any moment I let my guard down I would have died. Well actually what I felt was like "He's in hell" and as soon as I thought that, this is where it all started.

Now of course, I probably would have... ego death, right? Well apparently I don't really give a damn about ego death.... I want to work on grounding myself so I can slip away WHEN I WANT TO, naturally... jsut lie down and blip I'm tripping balls naturally....

which means I guess I want to do psychedelics for fun, to learn, to see things, but to still feel firmly that I am here, me, and not going to slip away.

So....... even.... I saw a vision of him last night a pure red being surrounded by yellow...... are red and yellow bad? no but in my mind I'm conditioned to associate such things with hell.....

so because I don't know what to believe in, I fall back on my upbrining as a youth, I phoned up my friend freaking out talking to him about Jesus and telling him I thought I was going to explode and go to hell......

I mean... this is bad. So I really don't think I can do mushrooms, unless.... they are a grounding mechanism? Because on mescaline I felt that it very firmly pushed me into the root chakra and that was great, but dex doesn't seem to do that at all..... weed kind of does it, it seems to take all your solar plexus energy away, drianing it completely (if smoked) and then grounding you at the same time making you trip.

but then again I went through this pretty much same experience while on strong weed before.

It's tough because I want to trip but not for ego-loss.... I want to see amazing visuals, but I want them to be clear and not overwhelming....... I want to stay sane yet to experience the picture show of madmen.

But I mean I felt like this guy was trying to open up my third eye and my mind kept saying that he WAS JESUS.... literally..... but then my upbringing can't handle it because that's blasphemy against Jesus, it must mean he's a false messiah?

It's so damned confusing, all of it... which is why I think I should just stay sober.

The next day I randomly awoke in the middle of the night with the energy raging again, sat up and starting pressing my eyes against my will not really knowing what I was doing... kind of freaking out, then I realized how to ground the energy into my root and it stopped....

It seemed like I was posessed, and by something immensely powerful, not my DESIRED frequency, I would much prefer air or earth or water.... but that it was trying to heal my eyes... send inner fire into them to cleanse them.

but it scared the shit out of me. I mean. It doesn't feel good feeling like someone is controlling your mind and body and that "you" are meaningless.

So I guess I have to stay sober.

this "buddy" with the shrooms? Well I don't know him at all.. he's just in my class and seems really cool. I will tell him what's going on though becasue I was supposed to get some from him today.

I guess in honesty I'm fine with the middle path... but I'm enticed by psychedelics all the same, the sober mind says yes let's trip, and the tripping mind is in agony thinking "why did we do this?"

my root and sacral aren't really open and the solar plexus seems to be at times going haywire..... the root is crucial to even feeling like "you" are a real person, so I can see why this is happening.

i don't suppose psychedelics are "suicide" but to ME.... that's how it seemed.

the thing is there's a REALNESS to psychedelics that there just isn't to things like lucid dreaming and whatnot.... if this happened in my dreams I'd be like "pshhh whatever." and not really be all that bothered by it.... but I can't see purple cascading pillars and opening eye spirals in my dreams and feel them coming out of my head as i split into a salvia like frequency...... and when i do experience such things in my dreams even if they are so detailed they still seem "fake" generally.... for the most part.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!


Edited by leery11 (04/10/06 08:16 AM)


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