It's been QUITE a while since I've made an in-depth thread about my life as it is going at the moment, and I'm feeling the need to share it for some reason. (Well, for one reason: everyone feels better when they can let it all out without care). This might be long, so those who care to read are awesome, and those that don't care to, I don't hold it against ya 
So since october I've been prescribed 3mg of Klonopin + 10mg of Valium per day, in addition to 30mg of adderall a day.
In December I was prescribed 24mg of subutex per day by the same doctor, even though I was not physically dependent on opiates, I had just been banging H, Opana, and Dilaudid a few times a week and wanted to stop it before it got ugly. So I just took chips off the 8mg subutexes and ignored what he said.
Huge pill pusher, total asshole (sure he gave meds but he was a cunt that didn't give a fuck about his patients. I once told him my kidney was hurting and he asked for a UA, which I couldn't do cuz of the subutex he had me on making me inable to piss, and he just got mad and called me a junkie and told me to leave. I then insisted that he help me get off the klonopin, so he wrote me a script for 90 of em, shoved it in my chest, said good luck, and walked out the door and sped off in his Benz.
ANYWAYS. So for the past month I've been seeing a therapist because I have been incredibly depressed (as happens every winter), especially feeling extra hopeless this winter because this is the first winter I've used opiates to alleviate my depression in almost 2 years, and I felt ashamed, and I told my boss and he gave me a bonus check that lasted me the month and told me to take some time off to deal with everything that was going on.
At this point I was about ready to say "fuck this noise" and sell all my shit and buy a plain ticket and load up my IF Backpack with the Bear Necessities (oh lord what a great movie!) and join our good friend MOTH on her trip to Hawaii.
After much debate though, I decided I would rather move away from Memphis and go back to school to get an education so I could find a career I actually enjoyed.
I decided that I needed to get off the klonopin,valium, and subutex which I am now already down to 1.5mg of Klonopin a day and no valium at all. I've even been off subutex for a week and two days (I was in the hospital all last week due to strange excruciating pain inside my head, and they had me taking 5mg percocets twice a day, so that may be why I haven't felt withdrawals yet, because i'm still taking 5-10mg a day until I go back on friday), but I've given my subutex, percocets, and my klonopin to my mother to give me my set number of pills to make sure I don't get in a bad mood and fuck it all up, so I'm pretty confident that I'll be done with all that shit within the next week or two.
However, I just went to see a new psychiatrist who turned out to be some Chinese dude (real friendly) who actually brought out his gigantic "bible of psychiatric medication" and let me pick out an anti-depressant and an alternative to my adderall, because the adderall makes me real exhausted and shakey and nervous.
So I ended up picking an anti-depressant called Remeron (which I had actually done some research on beforehand too) which is prescribed for major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, seasonal affective disorder, insomnia, nausea, and diminished appetite/weight loss. All of which I have problems with.
Remeron is not an SSRI (which I have tried Paxil, Prozac, and Zoloft all of which I hated with a passion). It is a tetracyclic antidepressant, and actually has very few negative side effects besides increased appetite and drowsiness, which go well with the next med he let me pick:
Dextroamphetamine extended release. I was taking 30mg adderall IR's, half in morning, half at night. But he wanted to start me on 10mg extended release Dex, just one per day. I tried some out tonight (I admit I crushed it and snorted it because I didn't want to be up all night, just wanted to test it) and I can definitely say, this is it. Everything I needed from adderall, minus the jitters and anxiety. And to top it off, the Remeron will help me sleep at night and eat during the day! So it balances out perfectly! In theory anyways, I just got them filled tonight so not 100% sure it is going to work out, but something inside me tells me I will.
Now as for tapering off the benzos: He gave me the choice of seroquel or hydroxyzine to cover the withdrawal anxiety symptoms. 
I don't need any seroquel, all it does is make me sleep, and if the Remeron is going to do that, then what is the point? So I went with the hydroxyzine. I've taken plenty of it in the past to potentiate opiates, and he claims small doses (25mg) will help with anxiety. But I used to take 75-100mg with my opiates and I could never tell I took them, other than the opes would make me more numb. He gave me enough to take an extra each day if needed though, so maybe it will help... I was kinda expecting a valium taper though. Hopefully this time the doctor actually knows best... Seems to be a rare situation for me though.
Anyways, it does feel good to almost be done with the crap I had been prescribed and hooked on all winter, and this Remeron/Dexedrine mix has really got my hopes up for getting me out of this absolutely worthless, "feel like I'm gunna puke when I wake up I'm so depressed", funk that I've been in lately.
My boss has been trying to work me in to come back to work, but business has been so slow and they already have too many employees, so I'm probably going to be getting a haircut and some decent clothes so I can start job hunting on Monday. I haven't actually ACTIVELY searched for a job since 2007. Not looking forward to it, but I am looking forward to having a job that doesn't have to do with dogs anymore. Broaden my horizons some.
I plan on moving to Murfreesboro, TN (Near Manchester, home of BONNAROO!) where my little brother lives in May. It's a college town, so a job should be easy to find then when everyone has gone home for the summer. And hopefully will be starting back to college (as a 22 year old freshman  ) at Middle Tennessee State University there in the fall. Thinking of pursuing a pharmacological career, or perhaps Animal Behavior. Pretty set on one or the other, just haven't figured out which.
Anyways... That's what's been up. Any comments, advice, criticism, or just plain conversation would be greatly appreciated!
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Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music.
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