Ok, this could be long, but I feel like I need to get this out and I need some direction as I usually try to take the whole world on my own shoulders and from what I can see it's not working.
Up until I was about 17 or 18 (23 now) I was ridiculously happy all the time. I had very free flowing emotions, never held anything back with friends. I was always nervous around unfamiliar people but when I was around people I knew I couldn't be happier.
My brother dies in a car accident. He absolutely tormented me, I can't remember one time when he was nice. Literally. I hate to even type this because of how horrible it sounds but it didn't effect me. The night it happened I cried and it felt forced. Why? I have no clue. I found this to be very abnormal but for years didn't think about it.
The next year is ok I'm still like I used to be, I get involved with a girl who I fally DEEPLY in love with. I have never been so happy in my life. Never felt such a genuine deep connection. for over a year this is amazing. Then things change, she is influenced by her immature teenage friends and is convinced she needs to spend her high school days living free. She starts partying, lying, changing. We break up on and off and no matter what she does I let it be ok I don't give a shit what she does to me as long as I can be with her. I was so involved I didn't even know what I was doing, I'm usually very good with judgement, but this was different. I was in a state of anxiety for about 1 or 2 months when we were still talking but she was openly talking to other guys and I was FRANTICALLY trying to get her back. After so much it just was too much and I told her I can't ever talk to you again, and I didn't for about 3 years.
After this I still felt much better than I do currently. But I believe this may be the cause to my downfall.
During the time when I was in anxiety, my Christian father goes to jail for something very embarrassing on me and my mothers part. Again with this, no emotion comes out. Even typing it now I don't even know how I could not be emotional about this. I guess at the time I was though because my girlfriend of the time told me when it happened I talked to her and she said I told her that I hated him and I never want to talk to him again. and I one hundred percent do not remember every saying anything close to that. I literally don't even think about my father at all and I know it's wrong and I question why I don't, I even try to bring up any emotions sometimes and its just like nothing is there. I really don't understand.
The next 2 or 3 years lead me to the point where I am at, and I think it has all been building up at a snails pace and slowly over a few months I realize wow I am a different person than I used to be and now that I became aware of it, it seems to be worsening.
I feel like I'm in a tight cage of my own tense mind and built up emotion. I live in reaction and can't just stay calm and make genuine connections with human beings anymore. I find myself not liking people for stupid reasons, probably as a defense mechanism not to trust people. I can't think clearly, I cannot make decisions well, I can't do what I need to do in my life anymore with the ability that I used to be able to do it in. I just feel dull and lifeless, I don't enjoy anything. I used to be intensely passionate about so many things. Now I think of them and even still do them and its like ehh, I feel the same just sitting in bed on my computer.
Whenever I would smoke weed I would have revelations and be like oh my god how could I not see that I've been living like this. Then they usually fade rapidly.
I've tried forcing myself to do more things, to exercise, to be social, talk to more people, think positive and it all ends in me being exactly how I am. I've tried meditating for a year and a half with no results. I did an hour of yoga a day for 3 months straight with no effect whatsoever. I've done every single general self help thing out there that I can think of, I feel like an exception to the rule.
I read anything and everything about spirituality. Which lead me to psychedelics. I've done mushrooms twice (consider everything before this pre-mushroom). The first time I did a half eighth to get the feel, and it was just a nice clean high nothing happened at all. Then about 5 months later I finally got a hold of an eighth. Decided to do half to see how it felt and I had a pretty "bad" trip. I was just consumed by this spiking overwhelming FEAR. It didn't come fully out. I felt it in the background and it consumed my mind. I couldn't escape it. Watch tv. still there. umm ok do some dishes. still there. ok lay down. still there. So I had to just bask in this fear. I realized so many things in life were just a flat out plain escape from this feeling. There were so many things my life revolved around that were just pure escapes from reality. It was scary to realize. I remember telling myself psychedelics are not what I should be doing and this was no way to go about revealing repressed emotions, but the forthcoming week told me otherwise. I did have a decent hour or so afterwards where I felt pretty good.
The next week was pretty intense as well. I felt more free, like I'd been shaken loose, like finally... FINALLY something had allowed me to CHANGE in the direction that I wanted to. The first day after I had a lot of anxiety and I felt a heavy pain in my heart area, literally. I began meditating with Life Flow (binaural beats) and it actually worked, my meditation actually had an effect. I would blossom just like a flower opening. I would come out and feel like I used to years ago. so so so free and so spontaneous, and it was just like.. I was working how I was supposed to, this is how I'm supposed to function. not all the time mind you it was ups and downs but it was amazing. My mind would become so peaceful, I could point it where I wanted it to go, no intensely anxious and heavy, burdensome, irrational, thinking. For the first time in years I didn't feel tired, that my idea of tiredness was an escape of a sort. If I felt bad or something it was instantly ohhh I'm tired I better go someplace where I feel safer (bedroom, lay down, avoid problems). this tension everywhere in my body I didn't even realize I had would fade and I would walk with a glow. I had this intense ability to pierce into people's souls while looking into their eyes. For the first time ever I pulled a girl home easily, with almost no effect. The girls eyes and mine aligned and clicked and it was just on, we both felt it and knew it, it was just like duh this is how people work this is naturally going to happen, no biggie. I don't mean that in any sleezy type of way it was quite beautiful and real.
I don't want to sound to airy fairy but everything I read in spiritually came out in those few glimpses of awakening. I felt like I had a POWER. Not in a power over something type of way, but an ability to like shine the light of love onto everything. people were drawn to me and it was just an effortless way of being that I remember being in when I was younger, but now with much more depth and understanding and intelligence to it. I truly felt like the lighthouse that many spiritual teachers talk of. It's what I'd been wanting for so long. Then the downside was whenever this would happen and I felt myself open I had to cap it off because I started to awaken what I think was a gigantic emotion inside of me. I could feel myself start to feel fear and started to calm down and be less happy just so I could avoid this coming out, because it only happened when i was around people. I'm very good at keeping everything to myself by myself but around people emotion gets pulled out of there's one there.
some smaller bad emotions did surface but it was different than usual. usually I noticed they were there (not knowing they were bad emotion), then pretended that I was happy instead of just feeling the emotion and letting it pass. I didn't want to run from this feeling, I sat there even around people and felt this emotion and it was ok.
Also during this past week my ability to think clear came back, the fog was lifted. I could do my physics homework twice as fast, and learn it twice as well. I do online marketing and idea's were just slamming into me and every single one of them was golden. I came up with a new research method that landed me some so highly pinpointed keywords for my sites that it blew my mind. Life was working for me now, not against me. I had idea's of changing my life that actually seemed plausible, where I'd been so stuck before. These idea's were so powerful they were literally my motivation. usually if I have a good idea its like yea that's a good idea, with zero motivation, probably because lack of emotion. But its like now ideas and motivation were one in the same, which would seem obvious but in my previous state of being it was quite the opposite. Previously it was good idea, with tons of mental stress and strain and just negative force to get it done. This now was just a flow, how I used to be. I loved it.
Now to my main point, I think that was a pretty good description of where I'm at and possibly how I got here.
slowly and gradually every day after the trip I've sunken back into my old ways and it is one of the saddest things to ever happen to me, as much as my ability to feel emotion will allow anyway. My joy, my freedom, is fading and I want it back more than anything. But my fear of doing another mushroom trip is making me consider if doing mushrooms is a good way to go about getting it back.
I really feel like if I pushed it over the edge and let that fear come through that I might not be ok afterwards, but on the other hand it could be like one of the reports you read where ego death happens and life is viewed from a perspective of pure bliss, I truly don't know what would happen. More than anything I just fear the feeling, I felt like I was losing my mind, like it was plausible that I was clinically going to be insane. I couldn't even think or talk straight for periods of time. I've never ever felt something so intense, so inescapable, so alone. Nothing could help me, nothing. not my spirituality books or audios or videos, not my hobbies, no video games. ugh.
I also kind of wonder if that it's not something that is inherently "too much" to face, but that my general idea of the intensity of emotion that can be felt is off. to me it seems like something just too big to face, but it could be that I just don't realise or perceive that humans can endure such intense emotions and be ok. Could taking a heroic dose and blowing past my comfort zone end in finally facing my demons? I don't know.
What I do know is that I want to change and nothing I've done over the past 2 years of furiously trying to change has changed me one bit.
So what I want to ask any of you, if you ever have experienced something remotely similar to what I attempted to describe, what did you do about it? Was there some way you overcame it through psychedelics, through other methods? Have you ever been so blown past your comfort zone and been ok afterwards? Has psychedelics helped you find deep rooted negative beliefs and overcome them?
I listen to Mckenna and Leary and they talk about it so lightly I had no clue that it was going to be like that when I did it. I mean I read every report on here almost but the idea of it doesn't come close to the experience.
If you've gotten this far, thank you.
Any and all help is appreciated
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bigmike7104 
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The Power of Now changed my entire view of life. I try to truly live as spiritually as I can and not just contemplate higher spiritual and philosophical idea's but so far either I'm not doing as good at it as I think I am, I have an inability to truly do it at the moment, or it's not working.
Cause this is a bunch of new age bullshit as far as I can tell.
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LucidDayDream
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