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Anonymous #1 |
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Auto-SummaryThe author of this lengthy and deeply personal post shares a story of struggles with substance abuse, addiction, and personal growth. He recounts his history of using various substances, including psychedelics, opioids, and stimulants, which has led to a series of tumultuous relationships, self-destructive behaviors, and near-misses with disaster. Despite his best intentions, he has repeatedly fallen into patterns of substance use as a coping mechanism, including a recent bout with MDPV that left him psychotic and suicidal. The author is now seeking help and guidance, acknowledging that his cravings and addiction have held him back from moving forward with his life. He is considering reaching out for professional help, including antidepressants, and is struggling to come to terms with past relationships and unresolved emotions. The post concludes with a sense of hope and uncertainty, as the author reflects on the possibility of a new beginning and the need to find healthier ways to manage his emotions and desires. To start, I’m not sure what kind of help I might find here. Advice might be nice. Or maybe even just hearing “I think you'll be okay,” from someone who believes what they’re saying. Lol I have a long-ish story for you, but if you bare with me, you might find it interesting. Since this story will require a bit of background, and that can be dull for some, I’ll give you part of the fucked-up culmination up front-- Last night, after becoming “blackout” drunk, I sniffed an unknown, but very large quantity of DMT freebase. At least 200mg by my estimate. Possibly quite larger by what my friend says. That was a risky move, and probably one of the “dumber” things I’ve ever done with a psychedelic. I hold DMT in the highest regard of all psychedelics-- usually only taking it occasionally, preferably when sober from other drugs (benzos being the one exception, as they sometimes eased the anxiety of a blastoff). If you‘d rather just know what happened, I suppose you can skip to the end. If you want to hear my story…. well; come with me on a flashback. 30 year old male, aprox 180-190lbs, poly-substance user from around the age of 15, when I smoked my first joint. At 16 I took my first hit of acid, which was instantly began a passion for psychedelics that never ended. That same year, I tried my first hit of crack. Around 17 I tried heroin for the first time. While I did go on binges from time to time, and generally spent my teenage years royally fucking up in a systematic fashion… I kept my hard-drug use at bay--until I was nearly 20 years old I was an “occasional” user of cocaine and heroin. Most days, though, I smoked pot. When I was around 19 I met a couple dealers who “befriended” me, and I now had a great source for really cheap, pure, east-coast heroin. It was cheaper than pot, at that point, which I smoked way too much of. If you blinked at the time, you would have missed the moment I became a junkie. For a while only sniffing, eventually shooting when my habit became too big to put up my nose. I wasted my life in this way for over the next year--causing my girlfriend (who lived with me, and I planned to marry) to leave me. It was actually a high-dose (over 7g dry) of the strongest mushrooms that I ever ate that made me understand what I was doing to myself. It was still a long road to get “off the streets,” relapsing several times. Ended up on a methadone program. Stayed there for a few years, as my life hung in limbo. I grew fat and lazy. I had no motivation and despised myself, collecting disability that barely paid for the boarding-house I was living in. (Roach infested, at that). Moved in with family, weaned myself off of the methadone. (Hard, but I’m a persistent fuck.) I start getting my shit together, but it’s a long time before I even almost feel what can be called “normal” However, I stopped smoking pot so much, becoming only an occasional user, and I rediscovered the glory of psychedelics (which I had feared for a few years after those shrooms). During these years, after the realization of my addiction, then cleaning up, I was single, and celibate for almost 5 years. No bullshit. The end of my last had been so traumatic, and I felt like such an undeserving soul, unworthy of love, that I just pined away for her for a while, being haunted in my dreams. Once I started getting my head straight, I started talking to people online. This was the first time I had regular access to a computer. That helped me break out of my shell, and eventually led to a couple long-distance relationships. The first was short and unsweet--she lived a couple states away. The second was very long, pretty intense, and this girl lived on the other side of the world. We dated this way for over 2 years. I only got to spend one month with her in person, but I was becoming convinced that this might be The One. She was the first girl I had met since my ex left, that made me feel okay about myself, and made me want to love again. We clicked so hard and fast, and seemed to have almost everything in common. Including drugs. And of course, her poison of choice at the time was morphine. She is, btw, also a longer-standing shroomerite. This made me nervous for obvious reason, but the girl fascinated me way too much to let this go. Pretty, smart, clever, great writer, very in touch with her sexuality, and exploring it…etc, etc… I had gone back to school that fall, and I flew to see her on my winter break. That was a hell of an experience, and a whole other story. Suffice it to say that I was very very upset to return to this part of the world. Also important to note, that during my trip, she introduced me to poppy seed tea, and I had my first dose of an opiate in years. Returning home was hell. Life seemed to go dark--like someone just sucked out all the light and joy. I missed her too much, and the pressure seemed to be 10 times as great in school. Aside from this, with her living on the other side of the world, we mostly chatted late at night, for long periods of time. I quickly burnt myself out, and turned to the quickest tool a junkie knows how to use to “cope” with a stressful time. I suddenly remembered that if I just loaded myself up on morphine, I could handle a 13 hour day in school (it was an intensive program), a couple hours of study, several hours of chat, and only a few hours of sleep, before I had to do it all again. We all know where that leads, don’t we? Fast forward: I struggled off an on with a newfound opiate problem, while my life began to stagnate. After school I had a hard time getting a job. Unmotivated, inexperienced and needing experience to get in the door. I ended up taking the first shitty job I could get, which was fortuitous, as I had been looking for work, because my father told me that I could no longer live there if I wanted to continue my education (this being the edict from his GF, who owned the house.) I moved in with a guy that I worked with. A tiny little Irish shit who seemed to think he was an Italian gangster, had a serious alcohol problem, and an only slightly-less-serious cocaine problem. Due to a mix-up with my provider, I was without internet, and out of contact with my girl for about a month. I worred a lot that the time away would give her too much time to think, and get used to life without me. I suspect I was right. During this period of time, although opiate-free (I had not long before gotten myself off of the tea), I was starting to get high a lot more. Smoking tons of pot, which I hadn’t been for a while (as an opiate addiction partially replaces my desire for pot). And drinking more than I should have. (I have never been a big drinker) and doing coke with my roommate who I was already starting to dislike-- all to take my mind off of the girl that I missed, and being in a strange place, and my worries…. Eventually the net was back on, and at first I thought things would be okay, But there seemed to be a growing distance that I did not like. Just after being laid off from my job with 4 days notice, after she almost goaded me into taking a couple hits of DMT (nearly for the first time), my GF told me that she was leaving me. (And sorry, cat, if you read this and that paragraph bothers you… but you did call me a pussy, or something to that effect when I said I was nervous to take another hit. Anyway…) Talk about a bad first-experience. Lol Over the next month or so, I use drugs a lot to cope. Then I met a girl. We hit it off fast, and even though I wasn’t ready for a relationship (and even told her this), I eventually ended up dating her. Eventually moved in together. Lots of stress in our personal lives during this period, and trying to made living together work… smoking a lot to relax, and having issues off and on with opiates. Fast forward to last fall. (yes, we’re getting close, kids) GF and I had just moved again. We had nearly split several times, and things had been tense. I had been playing with synthetic cannabinoids for a while. During the course my research, I read about MethyleneDioxyPyroValerone. AKA-- MDPV. There is a history of ADD in my family, and I was told (by a professional) that I may have this. However, they are mostly unwilling to medicate me due to my history. Reading that MDPV had a similar action to methylphenidate, I wondered if it could be of some use for me. Oral MDPV was a blessing. Miracle drug for me. It gave me energy, KILLED cravings for opiates, and boosted my libido. What’s not to love? This is LOW oral dosing (5-10mg, couple times a day) Things had been pretty tense off and on with GF for a while. One day I was sitting at home bored, while she was at work, and I remembered reading a thread about MDPV with the term “super crack” in the title. I did a little reading, and having already seen what peevee did to my libido when I ate it, I became a very curious little cat. I suspect some of my nine lives have now been spent. Pornography plus FREEBASED vaporized peevee was enough to make me madly OCD. I smoked, and did stuff to myself for hours--not stopping until I heard my GF’s key in the door. Couldn’t even control it. I did my best to explain the awkward position she found me in. She was pissed at first, or worried, it seemed--but I was quickly able to turn it. I told her how awesome it was… how horny I was (which were always the magic words with her) and how I would go down on her and give her a mind blowing orgasm… if she was willing to play with me on peevee after. And she did. That was the best time I ever had with that garbage. The only time that smoking it was paranoia free. But, this was a mistake. Had I stopped when she got home and left it at that, I probably wouldn’t have kept smoking all night after she went to bed… in the bathroom, with my laptop and my porn. I hadn’t even realized what I had done, until I saw the sun coming up and almost had a heart attack. Her reaction was as bad as I feared. And me, being the self-deprecating type of person that I am, when she walked out the door after saying how completely disgusted she was with me…. Well… how does an addict make themselves “feel better?” I ended up on a 3 day binge. Not stopping t sleep, or eat. By day 3 my urine was dark orange (serious dehydration) and I was paranoid and hallucinating. I was completely unprepared for this. That was the last straw for her. She left, leaving me with more bills than I could handle, a broken heart, and a newfound taste for self destruction. I did stay away from peevee for a little while, because of how badly the psychosis of the last day had scared me. I had never felt anything like that. But I’d never felt anything like that sexual rush either, and I assure you that I remembered this part as well. Nothing in my life seemed to match it. And now, I wasn’t getting laid IRL…. So it wasn’t long before I was in a many-month cycle of MDPV addiction, culminating in me nearly destroying my life, suicidal, scaring and hurting (emotionally) my family… I almost went all the way. By the end I was fully psychotic. I hallucinated almost constantly, accused family members of spying on me, or thought they were fucking with my head, trusted no one, thought I was being watched by the police, and I felt ready for suicide-by-cop if they approached me. That, too, is actually a bigger, and more fucked up story. I’m writing it as well, and may publish when I finish. By a small miracle I eventually pulled my head out of my ass. I still crave that garbage like no-one’s business… but I think I now fear it at least as much as I want it… which is good. But the cravings were really bad at first, and the depression was almost enough to kill me. Literally. So… this time KNOWING that I was taking a huge risk, I knowingly allowed myself to become addicted to opiates. It stopped the worst of the suicidal thoughts and kept me the fuck away from peevee long enough to save me from it. But of course, then I had to stop the opiates, which, as always, was a bitch. In certain ways, much harder this time… which is part of the reason, I think, that in the month after I quit, I went through almost 9grams of 018 by myself. At the end I was probably taking around 20mg in an average hit, and that just buzzed me. I’m not proud of that, btw. No bragging here. Lately I’ve been cutting back on that, and the last few days I’ve smoked little compared to recent history. But I did drink a few times recently (to drunkenness), which is uncharacteristic of me. I usually only do that when I crave a “high” but that’s the only drug available… OR… when I crave something HARD like morphine, but won’t let myself have it… I have been craving opiates a lot lately, and that’s a bitch. Anyway, to get back to the meat of this thing and finish (you’re welcome): Lately I have not felt like myself at all. When I first stopped MDPV it was nearly impossible to experience pleasure from anything but drugs. This is becoming less true, thank god. But it’s still hard sometimes. I’ve been having so many thoughts and revelations about myself, that sometimes I’ve felt like I’ve been tripping for weeks. I’ve also been noticing more synchronistic phenomenon… and a few other weird anomalies. I think that a lot of the feelings that I’ve spent the last year burying with drugs are starting to come up, and it’s a lot to deal with. A lot of sadness, shame, regret, anger, etc… I need to figure out better ways to deal with this, as I have to continue to reduce my drug intake. I think ultimately I’d like to spend a while completely sober. It’s time, and I owe it to myself. Lately I’ve had something a little weird… I’ve become obsessed with a person that died shortly before I was conceived… and wondered if I could have been him, or someone related, in a past life. These are not the kind of thoughts I normally have. This thought started BEFORE the DMT, and persisted for several days, up until today…. I wonder if there is a complex psychological process behind this… I may start another thread about that one… So yesterday I worked very hard for a friend, with another mutual friend. After, he took me out to a bar and got me TRASHED. He kept feeding me shots… he calculated something like 16 in around 2 hours. I was nearly blacked out by the time I got home. We hung out, continued to drink, smoked some pot. At some point I blacked out. At some point during the blackout, my dumb ass decides to take out a vial containing around 1.5 grams of some pretty decent DMT. Why, I cannot tell you. I only recall parts of what happened next. I’ve sniffed DMT before, but the burn was so painful that I had to blow my nose immediately. I also tried rectal once with similar (but better) results. I remember cutting out lines of DMT. My friend says that I took 2 before “accidentally” taking more. I remember smelling the vial, and I think someone made a joke about not sniffing too hard, and I laughed and said something to the effect of… “yeah, it would be funny if someone just went…” and then I sniffed hard, with my nostril at the vial. My memory, of course, goes just a little weird after this. Both friends said something to the effect of “oh shit.” As my face turned bright red (so they tell me) and I begin to writhe in pain. I was told at some point I went to the bathroom to retch, which I don’t recall. For the next god-knows-how long, I popped into and back out of consciousness. I suspect that when I popped out, I was going somewhere, but (infuriatingly) I do not remember where I went… if I ever will. Funny thing is, we were smoking it too. When I looked at my glass this morning I almost shit myself. I have never seen DMT resin that thickly coating something before. We used about 2/3 of that vial. So, we probably used around a gram collectively. I recall popping back into reality, and as the air in the room shimmered and wavered, I saw my friend sitting across from me, eyes like saucers, laughing like the mad. It was a pretty crazy time… that I will not repeat any time soon. . In fact, the interesting thing is that while I am craving opiates today (and admittedly took HALF a percocet for the pain in my back… I did work hard yesterday) I’m not craving other drugs too much. I still want to smoke pot, but it’s only a vague desire. I think I’m taking a break from booze for a while, of course. The impressive part, is that I have almost no desire to trip. For a while. I’ve been planning a couple experiences for the near future… but now I almost feel like I don’t need them, or something. What the fuck happened to me last night? Lol Even though I’m hurting today… and what I did was, technically, a very dumb thing… I wonder if I might have needed it on some weird level. I have to say, that I’ve been thinking a lot today… from slightly different angles. And getting some emotions out, that probably should have been exorcised long ago. I think I realized that part of me never really got over that girl on the other side of the world. I just covered my hurt with drugs and then another relationship. I think that has been holding me back a bit, and I think it took from my last relationship, being unfair both to myself, and my ex. I still talk to her, as a friend, and I’d like for that to continue… just in a healthy way, where I can still care but fully let go. I feel like I’m ready to move on with my life, but I have my concerns. I worry about relapse and cravings… considering going on antidepressants for a while, now that I have no major desire for serotonergic drugs. If you have any thoughts, advice, questions, whatever… please feel free. I feel a little spun out, lost… I feel like I’m moving in a good direction again… but sometimes I feel overwhelmed, or like I’m not quite sure what to do with myself. And thanks if you actually bothered to read this whole thing. I know it’s a bit long an meandering… then again, I did sniff a whole grip’o dmt last night, and I still kind of feel like I saw the gibbering face of insanity that I can hardly remember. haha
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 MoxyOx Grazin'  Registered: 10/08/10 Posts: 1,439 Loc: 
Last seen: 2 years, 10 months |
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Tryptamines are healthy for you. They reset your biological clock in a way, my advice is do more DMT!!! (Or mushrooms, as long as it rings of tryptophan similarities hehe)
-------------------- No one behind, no one ahead. The path the ancients cleared has closed. And the other path, everyone's path, easy and wide, goes nowhere. I am alone and find my way.
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Anonymous #2 |
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I pretty much read of that, you deff have problems....
stay away from opiates and stimulants, cuz you obviously cant handle them!!!! and dont take out your vile of dmt, when your blacked out drunk!
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Anonymous #1 |
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Moxy, you have a very interesting perspective. I'm not sure I'll be following your advice real soon. If I even touch that stuff before the next blue moon, it's going to be a very small dose, only to TRY to see if I call pull back more of the previous night--if there was anything real there.
But that's more a vague curiosity, even, than an actual desire to do that. I am normally the kind of person who will chase the tail of that mystery until I can't run anymore. Now I don't care. (somewhat liberating) I'm not sure I explained myself well enough. mind you, I was trying to tell you a lot about the last 5 years of my life, in a short period of time-- before sleep meds kicked in. I may have left out a detail or two, and I probably did not present that in the most reader-friendly fashion. Maybe I'll see if I can make more sense of this later. Anon #2... sound advice, but I could have sworn I'd made it clear in my post that I felt similarly to the opinion you expressed, already. If you could give me advice on ways to actually DO those things, that would rock my socks. I almost "can't" function without stimulants. I've been a heavy coffee drinker for about 16+ years, and I've taken daily ephedrine off and on for the last 15 years as well. My doc even agreed with this notion, when I described my usage patterns to her. She did NOT recommend I stop ephedrine--only monitor my usage and its side-effects. Opiates is another battle, with its own issues. I'll write more at some point later. For now I have to take a friend for a medical procedure. Thanks.
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figmentfragment leaving shroomery Registered: 04/10/07 Posts: 1,226 Loc: 
Last seen: 15 years, 10 months |
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Post deleted by figmentfragment
Reason for deletion: this guy is trying to fuck with my life AGAIN, and I want my part removed. I should never have taken part in this thread. -------------------- Goodbye Shroomery.
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MoxyOx Grazin' Registered: 10/08/10 Posts: 1,439 Loc:
Last seen: 2 years, 10 months |
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Look up ayahuasca and ibogaine, they've been known to cure addiction and depression in individuals. If you can, save some money and go to a real shamanic healer for a ceremony. From what it seems, it might be very so worth it. 
-------------------- No one behind, no one ahead. The path the ancients cleared has closed. And the other path, everyone's path, easy and wide, goes nowhere. I am alone and find my way.
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Anonymous #1 |
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Figment:
1- Yes, you are correct. The quotes are to acknowledge a negative belief-structure that may be inhibiting me. 2- I can’t recall her EXACT words, but they came very close to “the pattern of ephedrine usage you described indicates that you might benefit from ADD medications. I would prescribe [drug x] but I am concerned that it might interact with the ephedrine you’re taking… which may be helping you [function, feel normal? Don’t recall her exact term here] at this point.” Again, not an exact quote, but that does come very close to what was said. Mind you, that’s not crazy advice. Most medical professionals I’ve encountered don’t advocate going cold turkey from a stimulant you’ve used just about daily for years. 3- I perform a motive-check just about every time I take a pill. Ephedrine I only take HALF the recommended dose at a time, 2 to 3 times a day. (We’re talking an average of around 40mg in a day). If there are any side-effects, they are minor, and can be confused with the side-effects from caffeine easily. (heart-rate, etc) This also prevents me from needing an inhaler. (yes, I know I need to quit smoking. L ) I think, in my mind, this almost started as a psychedelic crisis thread. I woke up, feeling VERY off-center. My thought patterns were nowhere near baseline. I think I was affected all day. (Hence, feeling like I was having emotional-psychedelic revelations and insights half the day) At one point, I was talking about some of this to my friend. I told him about the (foreign) girl I mentioned… much as I told it above. I’ve told the story enough times before… but this time, when I stopped talking, it was like someone opened a floodgate in my head. When I found myself crying like a baby in my friend’s kitchen, because I was experiencing an emotion I probably should have worked through YEARS ago, I decided that maybe this was something I should address. I mentioned this girl is a shroomerite, but not that she is in a relationship. I respect that, and I don’t want to fuck up her stuff, just because I feel like I need to talk. But I did feel like I needed to talk... And 1- I felt that my story might be of interest to shroomerites… in fact, if anyone could make sense of it…. 2- I knew that she would read this. And reading this in a public forum… if it were you… would you take it differently than if I had sent it in a private message? Might that have sounded like I was pining away? I figured that making that aspect public, might help vouch for the fact that this is a real attempt to work through some stuff… not a psycho-emotional manipulation of any kind. I’d love to talk to her about that some day, if she’s ever willing. Sometimes resolving thoughts and feelings is a very good thing… Finally, though, there is another aspect. I’ve been way too quiet for too long. Both in speech, and in writing. Loved ones, telling me that I need to express myself more… talk about what I’m feeling and thinking… If you truly knew me, you would know that’s been KILLING me, even if only an a subconscious level. Ever since the other night, I’ve wanted to talk and share… and it’s almost been hard to shut me up. I feel like my voice is coming out, and this is what my voice wanted to say, I guess. I was just rolling with it. Another thing, I’ve done far too little of over the years. I’m sorry if that was unsatisfactory… but it’s the way I see things at the moment. Oh… and thanks for responding AND questioning my motives. I think I might have been hoping for that a little, too.
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Anonymous #1 |
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Funny thing is that I've had interest in aya for a long time, but I didn't want to do it until the time was right. Recently, I've been thinking a lot about it, to the point where I was beginning to plan my aya initiation for the near future. The MAOI aspect always made me a little nervous, and I wanted to save this strongest of medicine for a time when I felt the need. I no longer feel I need this right now, yet I don't understand why. I used to be interested in ibogaine, but now it scares me. I have reasons to suspect that it does something to the brain similar to an MDPV binge... maybe a little less on the paranoia. Spending at least a few days straight vaping peevee is actually a psychedelic-type experience... extend that to months, and you break down the previous boundaries of the personality, sense of self, etc. I imagine that even the brutality of ibogaine does this more gently than months on peevee. However, I still have the feeling there is a connection there... in terms of what it might do to me...
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Anonymous #1 |
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lol... almost posted that last one under my screen-name. Not that it matters a ton, I guess.
To Figment; I thought of something else possibly worth mentioning. The reason, I think I realized, that I was "not over" this girl yet, is that maybe part of me fears I will never find her equal. Or maybe even that I will--but could make the same mistakes I made with her... Oh, I also found it kind of strange that this shit hits me hard after a night I barely remember with DMT... and that she and I split close to the advent of DMT in my life. That seemed like an interesting coincidence... something related to state-dependent memory of emotions?
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MoxyOx Grazin' Registered: 10/08/10 Posts: 1,439 Loc:
Last seen: 2 years, 10 months |
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Know what I think? I think you're just making excuses and constantly reinforcing the ego residing within you. If you feel you're in a shitty spot in your life, and given the endless amounts of failure you've already had trying to fix it, maybe it's time to turn to another drug? Don't consider it, just ask it simply to yourself. If you FEEL that you need to go, then go with that feeling. DO NOT listen to that little voice inside your head that will keep looping and looping you, it won't guide you anywhere helpful. -------------------- No one behind, no one ahead. The path the ancients cleared has closed. And the other path, everyone's path, easy and wide, goes nowhere. I am alone and find my way.
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Anonymous #1 |
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Fine. I’ll give you that one. It’s hard to sort in my head, because I feel like the belief is damaging to me, but I have been told by PROFESSIONALS that I should probably be prescribed stimulants. And sometimes it does FEEL that way. How would you make sense of that?
You are correct, about the rationalization. But when you’re so fucking good at it, how do you stop? That does, by the way, pretty much reflect the reality of the situation. “average of around 40mg in a day” is a safe generalization. That’s why I chose to use it. Some days I take more than that, some days I take less. That is average. Days that I take more or less usually do not deviate far from average. (And mind you, the “justification” in these cases are remaining alert at work, physical labor, etc… never “getting high,” because ephedrine doesn’t do that unless you seriously overdose, which is NO fun…)
I almost can’t tell if this is a real question, or a jab. This question has a serious basis for UNFAIRNESS, and I think you recognize that--having had “emotional problems” yourself…. You know that you can spend months sober, and never feel the same way twice. Where the fuck is baseline when your emotions have been on a rollercoaster all your life? No… I have no clue where my baseline is. Any time I use that term, I am speaking relative to my normal state. On the other hand, if we wanted to consult a dictionary, we would see that “baseline” is ALWAYS a relative term:
In this case I was making a comparison to my pre-DMT state, or my NON-DMT state, whichever you prefer. In which case…yes, I was off base for a while. Still might be, truth be told. I have also been sober all day.
I mostly agree with this statement. However, I think it is about BOTH addressing it and letting it go. What is letting go? I gave up hope LONG ago that I would ever be with her romantically again… I accepted that I made some mistakes, but her leaving was also her own decision… she had her own reasons. That, sadly, is part of it. I never ever ever understood how things seemed to change so fast. She saw the changes happening in herself (I imagine) but up until just before she left, I did not see it coming. And hey… maybe I won’t ever understand. Maybe I have to become okay with that.. And that’s the thing I need to do. Either way, sorry… but I ALSO thought I was over this shit, up until yesterday. And sure, I could chalk it up to being a little off-balance the day after going a little too far. But I don’t think that’s entirely it. I did not have a healthy relationship with my last girlfriend, and I think part of the reason (ONLY PART) is that I was carrying some baggage from the one before it. And whose fault is that? Mine, and none other… I accept that. I just want to work through it, so that some day, I CAN ALLOW MYSELF TO LOVE AGAIN WITHOUT BEING TERRIFIED THAT I WILL BE ABANDONED. The girl I’m talking about… she deserved a better version of me than she got. My last girlfriend did too. I want the next to start with a clean slate. And a huge part of that will be me, cleaning my own slate. But sometimes it’s nice to have another smart person to help, and point out your own bullshit to you.
I am certain that sometimes I romanticize her in my head… forget a flaw here, magnify something else that you loved… but… yes, there were qualities about her that I considered exceptional. I also saw that she had an even greater potential than she was utilizing. We have both changed a bit over the years, and some of the “common grounds” that we would have had before are somewhat differ rent now. But she has a lot of core characteristics that I would value in a partner, and find more rare in the general population. I’m not trying to sound hopeless or emo. That’s not it. You just don’t find that kind of connection every day. I think you know that. She got lucky as hell after she left me…
It would be foolish of me to think that. However, I was almost convinced, for a long time, that if I had just tried harder… just moved faster…. Just maybe… Now, I’m not sure I believe that. I think my current perspective is more rational. Maybe I could have postponed the inevitable at best. Regarding the last question… are you familiar with the concept of state-dependent memory? Simplified version: I’m a regular stoner and I smoke pot all week while studying for my exam. I take the test sober, and get a slightly lower score, than if I had gone to take the exam slightly stoned… because the state my mind is in when trying to recall the information more closely resembles the state my mind was in when I learned the information. Yeah, sounds a little weird, but google if I didn’t explain well enough. I was wondering if this phenomenon might have something to do with that emotion popping back up, when I thought I was “over it.” Anyway….
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Anonymous #1 |
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Okay. I'll bite. What makes you think this about me? Reinforcing my ego in what way?
Not sure if I was clear on your intent there. Are you advising that I, in a sense, "ask the plants" what I should take, and listen accordingly? If that's the case, that's what I've been doing. This is why my drug intake has been decreasing most recently, and I had been thinking of ayahuasca. If I wanted to go way out on a limb, I might even try to speculate that this is how I ended up with that vial in my hand that night. I physically have a hard time smoking the stuff. I'd have to stop taking ephedrine for aya... which is cool, but does me no good immediately. I knew that nasal and anal were effective routes, but very painful. Might it be possible that I set this up myself, subconsciously? Allow myself to get good and ripped, so I was disinhibited and not caring about pain... so I could take a heavy dose of DMT....? I did wonder about that...
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figmentfragment leaving shroomery Registered: 04/10/07 Posts: 1,226 Loc:
Last seen: 15 years, 10 months |
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Post deleted by figmentfragment
Reason for deletion: this guy is trying to fuck with my life AGAIN, and I want my part removed. I should never have taken part in this thread. -------------------- Goodbye Shroomery.
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Anonymous #1 |
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Talking about you, dear?
YOU DON'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW ME Think about that, for the next 40 years or so.
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 MOTH Wild Woman   Registered: 06/06/03 Posts: 23,431 Loc: In the jungle |
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Hey~ I read it all. All I can recommend is that you quit all drugs for awhile, exercise your ass off, and eat as healthy as possible. You're right that emotions suppressed by drugs start to rise to the surface after you quit the drugs that dumbed them down. So it will take a lot of courage for you to face your life head-on. It takes ballz. Something I am learning how to do also.
If you have not looking into it already, I recommend hot yoga. It has given me highs like I've experienced on drugs, and also the centering to face my life as a Warrior, not a victim. As for your relationship issues, forgot about anyone other then yourself for awhile. Focus on self-love. Have faith in yourself. Just my 2 cents, stay strong...good luck.
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Anonymous #1 |
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Thanks for the advice. I'm sober right now, have been for a bit. I may smoke occasionally, if I feel the desire, but I feel like the "need" to smoke is gone, after the other night. It is strange. I feel like the last couple days I've gone through more emotion and insight than in a year of therapy. When I met the girl that I was talking about, I had been clean from opiates for a long time. Pressure from the school, family, and my gf (who was an opiate user at the time) were enough to break down that wall... and made it easier to choose to use opiates again. Note that I used the word "choose" rather than being a dick and blaming a person or situation. That being said, I also decided that I should be single for a while longer. I need more time to work on myself. I have recently taken up various meditation/contemplation exercises, and I do find them helpful in clearing my head and grounding me. I'll have to look into the hot yoga thing...
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