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OfflineStrandedVoyager
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I think I'm addicted to ecstasy
    #4391315 - 07/11/05 02:57 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

I'm writing this to see if I can get some people who may relate this problem or have some experience with this. I really don't want to come off like some attention whore or hypochondriac but this is a problem that's gradually starting to come out more and more for me and since I don't really feel comfortable confiding in people I know or asking anyone for advice, I thought I'd ask this here since the vast majority of the members of this website have drug knowledge and personal drug experience.

At this time my ecstasy usage hasn't become a health risk yet but has been steadily increasing since about Mid-June to the point where I'm doing it three to four times a week. I feel as though I'm in between a rock and hard place on this issue.

All of my life I've been incredibly shy and I have an avoidant personality disorder and I have intense social anxiety. I've learned to cope with these two things over the years and made a lot of progress socially to the point where I have a good group of friends and I can sort of function around people but I tire very quickly, I feel extremely disconnected and out-casted, and I usually am still fairly avoidant even amongst close friends I've known for years.

And then I discovered ecstasy. I started using it a lot last winter and was amazed to find that suddenly all my social fears went away and I could be who I knew I was meaning I talked with literally everyone, I was funny and charismatic, and I made a ton of new friends. However, over an extended period of time I slowly started to become more and more disconnected and a little psychotic on the days I wasn't using ecstasy. So I decided to stop and just live my life normally and continue trying to work though my problems.

Last month completely randomly hanging around a group of friends whom I hadn't seen in a long time, some ecstasy came into my possession once again and I dropped it. And it was like the whole world changed for me. Now not only was I able to connect with people but suddenly I turned into one of the most charismatic, confident, and sexiest people in any group of people... and those aren't my words, all those words are from people meeting me or hanging out with me while on E. Every time I've done E, I always seem to wind up with an incredibly beautiful girl and usually more than one at a time. When I'm not on E, women seem to tolerate me but not really be interested in me. When I'm on E, I am the whole show and I can literally do anything with any girl I seem to meet. It's strange. On a side note, I have to wonder what attraction is based on, I don't feel as if I change as a person when I'm on E, the only thing that changes about me is that my personality gets turned up in volume to a point where I'm not afraid to be me. So I wonder what aspect of me girls are attracted to when I'm on E. I'm not a good looking guy but I do have a magnetic personality and a really quick mind that I can use to be funny, serious, or deep. So I just wonder what changes.

I know this can't go on forever, I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I know I'm probably doing irreparable damage to my brain and making my social fears and problems even worse but you have to understand that after a lifetime of hanging out in the background and feeling like a ugly outsider to suddenly find something that makes you the life the party and makes you attractive and a hot commodity, it's like a miracle drug but at what price? I can already tell you that the cost of buying ecstasy is nearly taking 75% of all the money I make and the days after a ecstasy binge I can be extremely anti-social and not happy. But at the same time, every girlfriend I've ever had, I met while I was E. The majority of sexual encounters I've had were on E. The majority of friends I've made since December I made while I was on E. I just don't really know where to go from here? I mean if I could some how be on a low dose of MDMA everyday, my life would be perfect seriously, but I don't want to destroy myself, I don't want to get an addiction, I don't want to blow all my money on drugs, and I don't want to get caught for using illegal drugs.

I'm really kind of conflicted on this and any advice or personal experience you could offer me would be quite helpful.

Thank you.


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Hi  :scrambled:

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InvisibleRESTLESS
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Registered: 06/22/05
Posts: 21,817
Re: I think I'm addicted to ecstasy [Re: StrandedVoyager]
    #4391345 - 07/11/05 03:11 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Welcome to my world  :imslow:


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Invisibledownforpot
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Re: I think I'm addicted to ecstasy [Re: RESTLESS]
    #4391375 - 07/11/05 03:34 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Same here man. I only have a small group of friends that I chill with regularly. But when I am on x, everybody is my friend and I say whatever the fuck I wanna say to people, ask anyone anything. Tommorow will be one of those days again... ahhh, drugs, they good, but they fuck u up.

I actually felt a lot more confident after taking x and then taking a week long break. That's why people use it in therapy or used to use it. With the proper setting it can change you forever and you won't need to take it all the time to be that way.


--------------------



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"And I don't care if he was handcuffed
Then shot in his head
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Offlinemrsautoman
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Re: I think I'm addicted to ecstasy [Re: StrandedVoyager]
    #4391569 - 07/11/05 07:31 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

PhatWhitey420 said:
So I wonder what aspect of me girls are attracted to when I'm on E. I'm not a good looking guy but I do have a magnetic personality and a really quick mind that I can use to be funny, serious, or deep. So I just wonder what changes.




Confidence.

Or... the girls are on X, too. But I'm pretty sure the answer is confidence.

Quote:

it's like a miracle drug but at what price? ... and the days after a ecstasy binge I can be extremely anti-social and not happy.




That's because the night before you just had a massive serotonin dump and the next day you don't have enough to feel normal. (someone correct me here if I'm wrong about this...)

I love E. I love it so much. I yearn for it. I fume every day that it is not available to me. But if it were I would probably wreck myself with it. I knew many a person who seemed to be altered forever by an intensive period of use.

I'm sure if I ever decided to do heroin I would love it. But I don't because I am not willing to make the sacrifices that a relationship with heroin would require.


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~I was born of a voice untimely,
the so-called echo of a man's ordure~


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InvisibleFooManM
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Re: I think I'm addicted to ecstasy [Re: StrandedVoyager]
    #4391575 - 07/11/05 07:37 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

As far as being more attractive to girls when you're on E, have you ever thought that it was because of the E? I have known girls that were the biggest prudes that became really wild when they were on E. It's the nature of the drug to lose your inhibitions on it.

As far as your addiction, at least you admit it. If you want better drugs that don't eat away at your brain, talk to a doctor or psychiatrist. They will put you on some of those Uncle Sam approved mood enhancing drugs. Obviously, with your antisocial and depressed feelings, you would have no problem getting a prescription. Best part is if you have insurance, it will be much cheaper than E. Don't have insurance? Medicaid. GL Dude :thumbup:


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Invisibleredtailedhawk
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Re: I think I'm addicted to ecstasy [Re: FooMan]
    #4391758 - 07/11/05 10:21 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

You don't have to continue to use ecstasy to enjoy the effects of increased serotonin in the brain and the relief of social anxiety that goes with it. You can go to your doctor, explain the situation to him and ask him for SSRi drugs (anti-depressives).

Alternatively you can experiment with St. Johns Wort and/or 5-HTP. Be careful though, not to mix any of them, especially SSRi's or St. Johns Wort with ecstasy!


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"Who are you who live in all these many forms? You're death that captures all. You too are the source of all that's gonna be born. You're glory, mercy, peace, truth. You give calm a spirit, understanding, courage, the contented heart."


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OfflineTrip
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Re: I think I'm addicted to ecstasy [Re: redtailedhawk]
    #4392977 - 07/11/05 05:20 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

i recomend that you not try to replace one drug with another. if youre doing ecstasy multiple times a week i suggest that you halt ALL drug intake. ectsasy, like most things, isnt dangerous in moderation but in this case you could be seriously fucking yourself over for life. your seratonin nuerons are probably really hurting right now. its been debated whether ecstasy causes long term damage in this area but im one to believe the european studies that state with abstinence seratonin levels can return to normal. heres a good slideshow so you can make your own informed decision.
http://dancesafe.org/slideshow/
take it easy on this shit for a while. i find that when im on x that i as a person dont change. these things that people find so attractive are in you somewhere, work on finding them without the aid of x. it probably is just the confidence issue. youre a smart sensitive dude and you have to let people see that.

EDIT: oh and its deffinately not just because the chicks are on x also. ive talked to a lot of people before on this. if im rolling and theres a person whos annoying/retarded/an asshole i usually end up getting a lot more pissed off at them then i would if i were sober. hope this helps and best of luck to you.


Edited by Trip (07/11/05 05:28 PM)


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Offlinefreddurgan
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Re: I think I'm addicted to ecstasy [Re: StrandedVoyager]
    #4393175 - 07/11/05 06:33 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

PhatWhitey420 said:
I mean if I could some how be on a low dose of MDMA everyday, my life would be perfect seriously





I would reccomend you get out of that mindset. It's a hopeful mindset. It's a dreamers mindset. It's the mindset that says that you aren't willing to give up the ecstacy and would rather continue using it than not. You KNOW you can't live life on a low dose. You KNOW you are fucking your brain up by doing it 3-4 times a week. You KNOW all of this stuff, and the sentence I quoted to ME shows that you're just afraid to accept it. You KNOW all of this. You can't take MDMA forever and if it has become a problem then it's time to put it down.


--------------------
Ishmael
http://www.ishmael.org

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Invisiblebudsicle
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Re: I think I'm addicted to ecstasy [Re: freddurgan]
    #4393223 - 07/11/05 07:00 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

hello
i feel ya.. somethin kinda similar happened to me and heres my 2c about it:
first i dropped E and it was amazing, after that in short time i had suddenly built around me a group of friends and most of us did drugs and smoked weed constantly and well it was amazing and fun for a while but ya know u cant rely on drugs forever and nature of our substance use eventually changed from innocent experiencing and recreation to abuse. and now i can tell ya that it was one hell of a shithole of place to be when all that what i had built came crashing down on me when i had to face reality and consequences of my reckless, irresponsible ways of life.. but im sure that E can have lots of therapeutic value if properly used so if ya gonna do more of it atleast be careful and aware of your limits!

then perhaps when you find people that you are very comfortable with and in time you dont need Xtc to act yourself and if ya dont feel comfortable then its time to continue search instead of trying to force friendships with drugs..

but well what do i know.. that?s just my experience and im glad if it was any help :smile:


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Offlinenightkrawler
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Re: I think I'm addicted to ecstasy [Re: StrandedVoyager]
    #4393609 - 07/11/05 09:20 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

why don't you think of what it is that you do when you're on ecstasy that makes you more social. when you're in the mindset that you are on E, be observant of yourself. figure out what it is that makes you this way, and try to incorporate it into your sober life(or atleast non-rolling life). try to overcome your inhibitions. say what you think, speak up if you have something to say. you need to build up some confidence. realize that it's not the drug that you are on that makes girls more attracted to you, it's the way you act. girls love confidence.

lay off the ecstasy for awhile. take some 5-htp daily for awhile. the next time you do take ecstasy, pay a lot of attention to what you do and what you say. work on doing the same things when you're not rolling.

best of luck to you


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Not all who wander are lost - J.R.R. Tolkien


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Offlinegluke bastid
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Re: I think I'm addicted to ecstasy [Re: StrandedVoyager]
    #4400924 - 07/13/05 08:00 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

I don't usually respond to these addiction posts because the only addiction I've ever experienced is to cigarettes. Which is a bitch but doesn't run very deep.

You don't sound like someone who is letting themselves develop an addiction. I mean, you certainly are relying on the E and taking a lot of it, but everything that you describe that keeps bringing you back to E is related to who you allow yourself to be under the influence of the drug.

You say that you are conflicted but you don't sound conflicted to me. Clearly you are concerned over what the long term effects of this drug are to your body, and are very aware that this growing dependence on E is a trap that you don't want to be a part of. You're being very honest with yourself about the whole situation and that puts you at a serious advantage to someone who tries E and then wakes up 4 years later and their life has disintegrated by an addiction they didn't see.
But you feel conflicted because you want to keep that high-energy, super confident super sexy person feeling. And I understand that, and dig this, that person is the real you. That's you being who you really are and who you are happy being, and letting go of all these socially constructed fears. Because that's what you keep describing as being the thing you are addictive to.

I don't know if you have considered this but you can be that person without E. It may be a hard thing to do, but if you truly want to be independent of the drug and feel and behave that way on demand it can be done. It takes a lot of changing of practice and positive thinking to change social habits but it can be done. You're way better off than if your post had simply read; "I'm addicted to the high, and when I'm not high I wan't to be"


--------------------
:hst:
Society in every form is a blessing,
but government at its best is but a necessary evil
 
- Thomas Paine


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Offlinecyalume
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Re: I think I'm addicted to ecstasy [Re: gluke bastid]
    #4424297 - 07/19/05 06:14 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

i've gone on ecstasy binges. It really took its toll on me emotionally otherwise tho i felt fine. Havent had any in about a month and i feel totally back to normal. I decided to take a break from RC's and ecstasy and stick to shrooms (or acid when it comes around).


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InvisibleRESTLESS
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Re: I think I'm addicted to ecstasy [Re: cyalume]
    #4424328 - 07/19/05 06:24 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

I once did 40 caps of e in a week & a half, it was thrilling.

:pill::pill::pill::pill::pill:
:pill::pill::pill::pill::pill:
:pill::pill::pill::pill::pill:
:pill::pill::pill::pill::pill:
:pill::pill::pill::pill::pill:
:pill::pill::pill::pill::pill:
:pill::pill::pill::pill::pill:
:pill::pill::pill::pill::pill:


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