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 Northernsoul
Your Reality
Registered: 11/17/01
Posts: 2,290
Loc: Inner Eye
Last seen: 13 years, 4 months
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 Email: My Breakdown 
#1319246 - 02/19/03 10:19 AM (21 years, 1 month ago) |
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I just got out of a mental hospital. Sent an email to my best friend. I edited some of the more personal stuff but wanted to post this to kinda personaly express the reality and pain of some drugs...mental health...and the extreams of going on a major breakdown......I thaught Itd be easier cutting and pasting some of the true letter to a friend I just wrote, than just tping it all over again in here....plus its more real....this is my community and I share all because I know most of your are good people....(wasnt 100% confident that it should go in this OD but oh well)......so whatever...heres the letter....
I just got back not to long ago from my hospital stay. Things really rollercoastered and hit a breaking point for me last friday, and it was terrible. Your my friend so I know I can be really open about it and tell you about it all. I hope this doesnt make u think any different of me, im still me....just a more fucked up time of my life......
Dear Nicki
Well it was a week into the "detox", I just call it my opiate withdrawl, but anyways. I was in the hospital doing everything they told me....had to take clonadine (sp?)...a blood pressure medication.. for my physical withdrawl symptoms like shaking, sweats etc....I can tolerate most of the physical stuff but its all the stuff in your head thats hits you the hardest. So, I was fed some decent amounts of Valium and ativan whenever I needed it which was nice, and helped my nerves but I still felt REAL depressed....I talked to nurses about it, I was feeling suicidal but brushed it off thinking ill get over it as the "detox" ended....but was still very scary and ...man, was worse......
why do I feel like Im blabbing and not just getting to the point. I can get into the little things when I chat with you sometime....I dont feel like typing a 2367k emal
So anyways, I went on a passwith my Mom, went home and told her id see her in an hour.... got in the house and right away took every medication I had, it was ALOT, so I overdosed....I was also slitting my wrists at the same time and I just laid on the floor and I didnt care, feeling the medications making me cold and my heart pounding... I was crying and just wanted to die.....My Mom came in got me out with blood all over me unable to walk they said later...I dont remember much.... and t I went to the hospital emergency...I was totally shaking they said to me after and my blood bressure was real high...the slashing was only superficial, "only scratches"... I guess they pumped my stomach, gave me charcoal, 2 IV's....
So the next day I was sent to a psyc ward, stayed 3 nights and now they let me go....said I have to do it myself...tough love or something...theres nothing they can do just watching me sit around there. I explained to them "psyc-doctor" that I really didnt want to die, but had felt no other way to express how I felt and thaught that was the only way everyone would wake up and help me somehow or something..."cry for help" comes to mind.....*sigh*....
So here I am, back home...bathroom I just about dies in right over there with the light on, drops of blood....the odd pill on the floor from the whole ordeal still lingering in the air...my depression still very volatile but I feel good now, happy to be hom,e and all that...to hear from you and your "problems"..heh...And heppy to be able to contact you and let you know it all....not keeping u in the dark since your si far away....
Well thats it. Im greatful to see the new self help forum that you have set up guys, it might just do the trick for alot of people here.....
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When it comes
I'll know, I know
Just take my clothes and leave
And I'll be gone
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 puscle
genius of love
Registered: 01/06/01
Posts: 4,539
Loc: NY
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Hey, glad we didn't lose ya!
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Northernsoul
Your Reality
Registered: 11/17/01
Posts: 2,290
Loc: Inner Eye
Last seen: 13 years, 4 months
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Re: Email: My Breakdown [Re: puscle]
#1319422 - 02/19/03 11:32 AM (21 years, 1 month ago) |
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YEah, was close
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When it comes
I'll know, I know
Just take my clothes and leave
And I'll be gone
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Zero7a1
Leaving YourWasteland
Registered: 10/23/02
Posts: 3,594
Loc: Passing Cloud
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i know it can get bad sometimes, but remember its only as bad as you make it. and when you talk to people, it doesnt seem so bad anymore. i think we all share a little of your pain, i know i do, death is giving up, thats what gives you your pain you know? thinking thats all you can do , thats why your depressed, remember its your life man, this is your existance, ANYTHING is possible, you just got to do what you wanna do. its hard to step out of your own misery and thoughts, but it Does make you feel better, its made me feel better and im thankful for it. im glad to see you are doing alright now  . just take it one day, one thing at a time  .
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What?
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deviation13
old hand
Registered: 11/20/00
Posts: 927
Last seen: 2 years, 4 months
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i've written an e-mail like that before... after spending a week or so in the mental health... after having cut my legs... still not sure why i picked my legs... but i did and i have the scars now... that was almost 4 years ago... its was definitely a cry for help... i had no other way to show how much pain i was in... so much emotional and mental pain... that was a horrible call home to make...
things do improve if you let them... its a matter of learning... i will never be a happy go lucky type of person... instead i have to find and use tools to make me function and keep myself from falling back down... its definitely a life long process... not so much a "light at the end of the tunnel" type deal... at least for me... its more like a focus type of thing... everything is and always will be around you... you just have to see it... you have to learn to see it...
and its a struggle sometimes... those feelings just sit there atop a tree like a vulture... waiting for you to stumble... then they try to eat your eyeballs... or something like that...
just make sure you have someone to talk to... and that person cant be someone you want to have sex with... if you can, see a therapist regularly... it took some getting used to, but it has helped me...
just hang in there... use all the energy towards something weird like art and dont be afraid to feel like shit... you will feel like shit at one point, just remember how to climb back out and be satisfied with the accomplishment...
peace
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too busy with living to live
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Anonymous #1
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- Post History Deleted Upon User's Request -
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PsillyTheSeaGull
ayatollah ofrocknrolla
Registered: 10/22/02
Posts: 26
Last seen: 20 years, 25 days
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Breakdown [Re: ]
#1341316 - 02/27/03 05:19 PM (21 years, 1 month ago) |
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I was down, I read this thread...I felt better. ... Priceless. .... Thanks for sharing.
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defthreat
xxx
Registered: 10/06/02
Posts: 142
Last seen: 8 years, 9 months
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A year and a half ago I was in a mental hospital from abusing methamphetamine.
I was smoking 7+ points a day and not sleeping or eating for 2 week stretches.
It upset my serotonin levels real bad and I started doing the slashing thing and all that dumb shit while coming down.(I'm in the process of getting them all tattooed over which will result in full sleeves both arms!) At the same time I had also contracted Bronchial Neumonia(lungs filling up with blood) from smoking meth which I almost died from. I guess the point of me saying this is that drug abuse will bite you in the ass when your least expecting it. I still have a hard time sticking to shrooms and weed to this day. But at least I know i'm safe...
Northern- pm me if you need to talk.
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