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MOTH
Wild Woman


Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Hospital, meds...hard decisions.
#5452121 - 03/28/06 05:19 PM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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I had my first therapy appointment today. I really liked the lady I spoke to, Deborah. She is an elderly woman with pale blonde hair and a kind face. I felt a good vibe from her immediately because of the "experience" she seemed to radiate and also her eyes made me think she was compassionate. I was going to give her a "letter about myself" but I chickened out. Instead, I just answered her questions.
At the end, she said, "I'd like to be honest, but I don't want to scare you." I said, "Go ahead and be honest." First she told me I exhibited symptoms of bipolar disorder. Then she said that she'd like me to be hospitalized.
Not sure what to think, really. In a way, going to the hospital would be a big relief. Like you wouldn't believe. I live with the constant fear that I may soon damage or disfigure myself so being in a safe place would take that fear away from me. On the other hand, another fear emerges...being "trapped" in a "psychiatric facility," being forced to take medication, keep a regular schedule, do therapy all the time...(I've been inpatient before and know what it's like)...well, being AWAY FROM HOME...it's all very daunting. And disturbing. I'm not sure what to think.
Yet at the same time...it would be such a big relief.
So I told her, "I don't know." And she said, "Well, at the very least, I'd like you to see a doctor immediately, before the end of the week." I questioned further, and she said that she thinks I'm too vulnerable to make much use out of therapy and that I need medication to stabilize me first. I told her I just want to know why I do the things I do. She said it may be because my brain is wired and functions differently.
So I don't know.
I'm about to go on benefits from work and will see if they can cover any hospitalization. She even wrote a note to my employer and called my husband. Oh yeah, and she helped me sign a "no disfigurement or suicide" contract, which made me feel like a kid again. I'm just very nervous about all this. Overwelmed.
I'm not looking for opinions with this post. I have decided I'm going to do whatever I need to do. I just wanted to write this post and see if anyone could relate to being hospitalized and if you feel you gained anything positive from the experience. I don't remember much when I went inpatient as a teen. Except I pretty much hated it (but then again I was in the adolescent ward, adult might be different).
Anyway. I am concerned about this...and worried about taking meds. She said she believes I'm bipolar which doesn't really surprise me. (been told that before) And she said that the medications I was on before were not made for this "disease."
Anyway. Not sure what to do now. Feeling overwelmed. It just all seems like it's happening too fast. Part of me wants to remain "unwell." I told her that too. Come to think of it I have a very strong compulsion to just run away from this whole situation now.
Anyway.
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blink
eye of horus



Registered: 03/31/02
Posts: 11,349
Loc: Geographic Location (Stat...
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Re: Hospital, meds...hard decisions. [Re: MOTH]
#5452153 - 03/28/06 05:27 PM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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Good Luck in whichever you choose 
a suggestion: make sure that if you do go to the hospital, that legally, they cannot hold you if you want to leave again.
--------------------
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OneWhoHasSeen
Temporal Anomaly


Registered: 11/20/04
Posts: 301
Loc: Everywhere and Nowhere
Last seen: 11 years, 7 days
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Re: Hospital, meds...hard decisions. [Re: blink]
#5452201 - 03/28/06 05:37 PM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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Well honey, you know that whatever you decide I will always support you and stand behind your decision. All I want is what is best for you
-------------------- A Temporal Anomaly
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FreedomFight
Strange

Registered: 07/03/05
Posts: 427
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Re: Hospital, meds...hard decisions. [Re: OneWhoHasSeen]
#5452295 - 03/28/06 06:03 PM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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I wish you the best of luck. From you're posts I sense you are a beautiful person and I believe that you will get through this.
Let me say that hospitalization will only be effective if you believe in it. Make sure you can get out when you want to get out but try to be compliant with those who "know best" for the time being, IMO. My brother was forced several times to go inpatient and his situation was never not improved by it. I believe this was due mainly to his attitude and not the system. Again, good luck.
-------------------- I do not grow anything illegal. I do not sell anything. I am, however, a very curious individual. I also try to be helpful.
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Cherk
Fashionable


Registered: 10/25/02
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Re: Hospital, meds...hard decisions. [Re: MOTH]
#5452432 - 03/28/06 06:31 PM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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if you think it might be a good idea to check yourself in then I say go for it, if you committ yourself I believe you are allowed to leave at anytime you wish
as far as meds, I've been on prozac for about a month now and I'm really enjoying the feeling of stability they provide, I don't think they are a long term solution but they can help you start to feel normal again so you can start to get a grip on some of your issues
of course you should research the meds the docs want to feed you on your own before you decide to start taking them
get better elle! I want to see you well, you are a very special person
--------------------
I have considered such matters. SIKE
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Liz
Owl Lady



Registered: 11/16/04
Posts: 6,962
Loc: Massachusetts
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Re: Hospital, meds...hard decisions. [Re: MOTH]
#5452686 - 03/28/06 07:28 PM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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I'm going to be blunt.
If she thinks after speaking with you for 1 session that you should be hospitalized, than in all likelihood, you should be. If you're not seeing her she does not get paid. If you're in a hospital you're not seeing her - see where I'm going with this? It sounds like her motives are probably just for your best interest.
If you feel like you can open up to inpatient care, then do it. If you want to try taking some meds first and continuing to talk to her, then do that. It's about what you think will work for you, and what you will feel comfortable with. I've had a lot of experience with people who are bipolar, and the most important thing is that if you are, that you stay on your medicine, even if "you feel fine".
Good luck Michelle, I think you're strong and smart enough to come out of this in a better state than you're in now, but most importantly, you're willing to do what it takes. That's awesome.
Keep us posted as to what you decide to do
-------------------- Remember, remember the fifth of November The gunpowder treason and plot. I see no reason why gunpowder treason Should ever be forgot.
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Noetical
Flip Horrorshow

Registered: 11/28/04
Posts: 9,230
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Re: Hospital, meds...hard decisions. [Re: MOTH]
#5453965 - 03/29/06 04:16 AM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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I had a situational not more then a month ago that was identical too a t.
They told me it what be in my best interests to check into a place for a month or two.
I didn't go because that would of sent me over the edge.
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niteowl
GrandPaw


Registered: 07/01/03
Posts: 16,291
Loc:
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Re: Hospital, meds...hard decisions. [Re: MOTH]
#5454038 - 03/29/06 05:53 AM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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If you have never tried medications.... Why not git it a try?
If your nervous about being hospitalized again just try taking the meds and continuing therapy.
They have helped my sister greatly.
The best advice I can give is to follow your guts. Do what YOU feel is better in the long run.
Even if it may not be any fun NOW, if it may help you long term, it is worth a shot.
Regardless of the path you take, I hope things get better for you.
-------------------- Live for the moment you are in nowDon't be bogged down by your pastDon't be afraid of what lies in your future
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tengumai
Bioengineeredfor the win

Registered: 03/08/06
Posts: 32
Last seen: 17 years, 8 months
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Re: Hospital, meds...hard decisions. [Re: MOTH]
#5454074 - 03/29/06 07:03 AM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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Get a second opinion.
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theorganicdomino
Psychedelic ZenBuddhist


Registered: 09/03/04
Posts: 1,855
Loc: Here & Now
Last seen: 4 years, 1 month
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Re: Hospital, meds...hard decisions. [Re: tengumai]
#5454226 - 03/29/06 08:31 AM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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Quote:
tengumai said: Get a second opinion.
Absolutely!
If you want any info/advice I'm bipolar and no longer on medication, it took some time to get there though. Life still gets tough at times but there are many ways of dealing. Everyone has their own route through though.
All I can say for now is don't let people push you into making choices, let them guide you into making your own decisions.
Feel free to PM me.
-------------------- "You've got to get hold of the thread of marching time, pull the fuck thing down, get on the end of it and pang yourself to the infinitude of absolute mind" Ken Campbell - Furtive Nudist "The mystery of life is not a problem to be solved but a reality to be experienced" - Aart van der Leeuw
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TM
The Mind, The Many, The Music.



Registered: 06/11/02
Posts: 8,282
Loc: Under The Table And Dream...
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Re: Hospital, meds...hard decisions. [Re: MOTH]
#5456673 - 03/29/06 07:38 PM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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I once voluntarily commited myself to an inpatient facilty and found that it was pretty annoying and useless. I was there for about 2 weeks. I hated being away from home and only getting breif visits from friends and family and being forced to attend group therapy sessions and private sessions where nothing was learned or accomplished. The only positive thing about the experience was the food. The food was amazingly good there. You could eat all you wanted and it was high quality, flavorful and rich. I must have gained 3-5 pounds in that 2 weeks.
Michelle, you have to do what you feel is right for you and definitely get a second and third opinion so you'll have more choices and knowledge to work with. Please PM me and let me know about the therapy we discussed.
-------------------- ================================================
"Have some congratulatory drugs." - C. Montgomery Burns I'll probably always do drugs, so that just contributes to the addiction to The Shroomery... It's a vicious circle of bliss. TMâ„¢
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MOTH
Wild Woman


Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: Hospital, meds...hard decisions. [Re: TM]
#5460426 - 03/30/06 04:20 PM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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Thanks for the replies.
I took E on Tuesday and it gave me a chance for reflection.
Honestly, I don't think a hospital would do me much good, aside from keeping me from harming myself (which you can always find a way regardless). The fact is, I've been harming for over a decade now and it will never stop unless I just don't do it anymore. It would be silly (or maybe I just don't want to) to sit here and say "I'm never gonna do it again," but I don't know that. I guess I just don't feel bad enough right now to justify either meds or a visit to the hospital.
Taking E reminded me of how psychoactives have always been beneficial to my brain. They really help me change my thought patterns and if I can do that, I believe I can alter my own brain chemistry. So that even if the compulsion to hurt myself is chemically based like what Deborah my therapist suggested, I believe the power of thought can shift my brain around.
The problem is, as it always was, feeling the DESIRE to not hurt again. The desire to hurt is always there, and that's why Deborah thought I needed to be hospitalized. It's not that I'm suicidal right now, it's just that acting on one of my injuring fantasies could cause me to severely injure myself to the point of death. But right now, that seems far away, like those thoughts belong to a different person. It's odd to think that person is me, because I feel so positive and upbeat right now.
Like taking E gave me a "leg up" on my own head. Honestly guys, most of my issues come because I have a humongous ego that is overgrown. It really needs to be chopped back. I know exactly what is wrong with me. I have a huge ego. I just need to destroy it. The E forced my ego to relax for awhile and now I am looking forward to my next big trip, hopefully with cactus in a week or so. The only time in this past decade I haven't been interested in injuring myself at all for a long time was after I suffered complete ego dissolution.
I don't need a hospital or medication right now, I don't think. I mean, I'm not saying I'm never going to need it, I just don't need it right now. Instead, I just need to trip more and appreciate existence more and think positive. I do feel like I have the power to be happy, like it's within my grasp. I just have to be happy. And focus on that. I'm tired of being sad and self-destructive. It sucks I'll always carry the threat of self-harm with me. I mean, can I really expect a mental hospital to take my compulsion to harm away? No, because I'll carry the memory. As long as I have the memory of that first time, I'll always have the potential to do it again.
So until they invent a pill or technique that can erase memory cells, I think I'll avoid hospitals and medication. Or at least until I have a breakdown and truly need to be contained. Really, this is my journey so I have to travel it alone. I got a therapist to help me through the sink-hole parts that are really bad, but that's all I wanted. I figured that the therapist would try and get me to do all that other stuff, but that's just not what I feel I need right now. A hospital/medication is likely to just make me dwell more acutely on all the things wrong with me. Trust me, I don't need that. I need to see the positive in life for awhile.
Anyway...it's nice my therapist cares enough to recommend those things. I just am not at the point where I desperately need those things RIGHT NOW. I'm not saying I never will. Just not right now. I don't want to fuck with how I'm feeling right now. (which is pretty energetic, content and happy )
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TM
The Mind, The Many, The Music.



Registered: 06/11/02
Posts: 8,282
Loc: Under The Table And Dream...
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Re: Hospital, meds...hard decisions. [Re: MOTH]
#5460566 - 03/30/06 04:43 PM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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Ahhhh... I'm so glad you're on the road to better mental health.
Sometimes your own prescriptions (or those of intelligent friends) can be more helpful than any professional could possibly fathom. 
Good luck with your ego-destroying experience with the Mescaline trip. Personally, I've never been there and I don't feel the need to go, but maybe someday I will.
-------------------- ================================================
"Have some congratulatory drugs." - C. Montgomery Burns I'll probably always do drugs, so that just contributes to the addiction to The Shroomery... It's a vicious circle of bliss. TMâ„¢
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QuantumMeltdown
Space Monkey



Registered: 10/31/01
Posts: 4,962
Loc: Ft. Lauderdale, FL
Last seen: 5 months, 9 days
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Re: Hospital, meds...hard decisions. [Re: MOTH]
#5460925 - 03/30/06 05:54 PM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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Hope things work themselves out for you. I don't know if more drugs is the answer though unfortunately it sounds like you have already had plenty and where have they taken you thus far? To the state your in now and your still looking at them as being the answer? God bless Ellemy take care of yourself.
-------------------- -QuantumMeltdown Total abstinence is so excellent a thing that it cannot be carried to too great an extent. In my passion for it I even carry it so far as to totally abstain from total abstinence itself. -Mark Twain "The time has come the walrus said, little oysters hide their heads, my Twain of thought is loosely bound I guess its time to Mark this down, Be good and you will be lonesome Be lonesome and you will be free Live a lie and you will live to regret it That's what livin' is to me That's what livin' is to me" Jimmy Buffett
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Liz
Owl Lady



Registered: 11/16/04
Posts: 6,962
Loc: Massachusetts
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Re: Hospital, meds...hard decisions. [Re: MOTH]
#5460980 - 03/30/06 06:05 PM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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Eh...I'm going to be honest with you, because I would hope you would show me the same courtesy. In my humble opinion, I don't think that tripping and rolling are any kind of long term solutions for you. I know that you did recognize in your post that you may in the future seek additional help, but I feel like you're just putting off the inevitable because you're hesitant to go down the route of medication or hospitalization.
I understand that logically you feel like you can just STOP yourself from harming yourself, and just not do it anymore, but if you've been doing it for this long, I don't think that just because you rolled a few days ago and you're feeling happy, you should lose sight of the fact that you probably need medication and/or professional help to deal with your problems.
You are likely bipolar, and right now you feel happy, and I'm glad that you do. But in all reality, you're going to feel down again soon - and then what? Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like the sooner y ou start on medication and the sooner you accept that you need help with this, the sooner you'll stop turning to psychoactives to sort things out, and most importantly, the sooner you'll get well. That's all I want to see, is you get well.
Good luck Michelle, with whatever route you decide to take
-------------------- Remember, remember the fifth of November The gunpowder treason and plot. I see no reason why gunpowder treason Should ever be forgot.
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Noetical
Flip Horrorshow

Registered: 11/28/04
Posts: 9,230
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Re: Hospital, meds...hard decisions. [Re: Liz]
#5461396 - 03/30/06 07:48 PM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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I 100% agree with liz. Not going to the hospital is one thing but rejecting all help and treatment is entirely different.
I can somewhat relate to the distance you feel between now and your past thoughts. I was doing very well for awhile and I couldn't comprehend how I could have possibly thought or believed the things I did before. They felt like they were the thoughts of an entirely different person.
I decided to go off my medication, first little bit was fine but after a while it all started creeping back. I went back on my meds and continued counselling and have been doing better since.
The meds and the counseling aren't going to take away your individual intricasies or sedate and 'normalize' you like so many people are afraid they will.
What they can offer is a greater level stability of thought and emotion.
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DICK
Stranger
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Re: Hospital, meds...hard decisions. [Re: Noetical]
#5461476 - 03/30/06 08:06 PM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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how about this, taking a break away from all drugs period and setting a goal for yourself... a new hobby if you will. something that you really want to do, something exciting that youll always look foward to
i wouldnt like the idea of me getting put on meds, since even though it *might* help, it dulls the senses and the have other unwanted side effects.
look most of the problems and pressure goes through, like lack of purpose in life etc... are do to this society we live.
how about taking a vacation?
you have a husband. help each other.
i think you just need a major life change cause youre sick of yours right now. i dunno, im the new kid here 
but going into a psyc ward? i believe that will have a bad impact more than a good one.
just blow it all up and leave! take a break from it all
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MOTH
Wild Woman


Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: Hospital, meds...hard decisions. [Re: DICK]
#5461530 - 03/30/06 08:21 PM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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Well, I fantasize about throwing it all away and going to live wild and free in the wilderness, like in a tree or something, but I have things that need me here.
Liz...grr. I know you make valid points. I don't really know what to say. I know (suspect vaguely) that this happiness I am experiencing will end. In fact just writing that line I am at tears. I know it will end because every time I can't maintain it. This makes me feel really shitty. But I feel like I am always at the verge of maintaining balance, all the time...like if I just try a little harder I can make myself be balanced and saintly, almost. Like I feel I am almost Jesus except for the fact that I am also a putrid, demonic creature of blackness. And that if I just TRY...I can be all light and goodness. So that's why...well, I don't know why I don't want to do medication but something about it really scares me. I'm scared it will take things away from me.
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MOTH
Wild Woman


Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: Hospital, meds...hard decisions. [Re: MOTH]
#5461647 - 03/30/06 09:00 PM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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Also, honestly I view psychedelics as a medicine for the soul.
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michael_lifshitz
Student


Registered: 12/27/05
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Re: Hospital, meds...hard decisions. [Re: MOTH]
#5461764 - 03/30/06 09:27 PM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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Personally, I don't have much experience with this kind of thing. But here are some thoughts I have on the subject.
Right now you are feeling up? You have felt up before. And you usually go back down if I am understanding correctly.
It seems to me that while you are feeling so up and wanting to maintain it, it would be a great time to have some professionals help you out and help you maintain that. It seems like also the professionals will just bring you so much valuable information on yourself that won't nessecarily be what you feel is true or right, but it will certainly put things in a new perspective, which I think can be very beneficial.
It seems checking into some professional help now would be much better than checking in while you are down. Now you have such a head start, maybe you can really fix this and get well. If you go back down again then it will be a much longer way back up.
Just some thoughts. All I know is that you deserve to get well, and you seem like a lovely person.
Good luck with whatever decisions you do end up making.
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