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How much of the past should be spoken about with someone new?
    #10984007 -

I've realized I have been debating about this each time I meet a new partner. That's the question: How in-depth should you speak about your past to one another? I know that "past can tell a lot about a person", but really, isn't it about the now and looking forward? So many times has the past twisted up a relationship for me, it is quite hard to count.

For example speaking about past sexual experiences. I know there aren't rules like "don't speak about how many partners you've had" etc...questions like this. But I am talking about DETAILED explanations of past sexual encounters, such as one night stands, experiences with past partners and so forth...?

Also, even non-sexual ex-boyfriend\girlfriend speak. Such as, "he always did this and I hated it". Hearing these types of things make me cringe as they give me an image in my head of how their past relationship had been as well as hints that their ex-boyfriend may still be in the picture of their mind and I may be a simple replacement. Perhaps i'm being insecure? Or is it that I just don't give a damn? I make a conscious effort to never speak about ex-girlfriends due to me seeing no relevance at all when getting to know somebody new. You're supposed to build a new relationship and discover new things about them and yourself, not talk about the past and re-live it with someone else.

I am trying to make this sound as precise as possible, as today at lunch I was told about a very random act of sex and detailed explanations of it without my interest or me even questioning it. It turned me COMPLETELY off.

I've told women about past experiences when ASKED and only to have it harm me in the future because I was simply honest.

Do you know what i'm sayin'? Thanks :laugh:

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Re: How much of the past should be spoken about with someone new? [Re: imagine]
    #10984101 -

I know what you're saying. I don't like to hear about my girlfriends' past relationships and I don't share mine unless asked. I'd want to know if the info was relevant to our ongoing relationship, but otherwise I couldn't care less. When my girlfriend brings up past relationships, I take it as a sign that she's comfortable to talk with me openly about such things, which is a good thing I think, but I also try and find out what her intention was for bringing it up and find out how it was relevant to our relationship. Usually it's just sharing tidbits of her history. Thankfully my current girlfriend hasn't gone into graphic detail about sex with other men though. If she did, I think I would be turned off and I'd let her know it.


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Re: How much of the past should be spoken about with someone new? [Re: imagine]
    #10984106 -

them saying "he did this and i hated it" should be taken as it' stuck in his head bc it was so fucking traumatizing and YOU should avoid doing it....what part of ca r u in? pm me.


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"Ooooh God.....Did you eat all this acid??....You better hope there's some thorazine in that bag or you're in biiiiig fuckin trouble."

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Re: How much of the past should be spoken about with someone new? [Re: imagine]
    #10984129 -

With a new relationship I think it is best to stay focused in the moment and very near future.  I don't think there is a valid reason to bring up an old relationship.

If you've been with someone for a while and you really want to share your past because you think it somehow was very significant in your life, then do so. I don't think you should forcefully pry into your partners past or try to make them feel like they need to share it with you.

I think these things are better left unsaid because there really is no answer you want to hear or conjure up a mental image of. 

Remember, you have her now.  That's all that matters.


--------------------
I spit reality, instead of what you usually learn
and I refuse to be concerned with condescending advice
cause I'm the only motherfucker that can change my life

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Re: How much of the past should be spoken about with someone new? [Re: Mufungo]
    #10984132 -

Mufungo said:
I know what you're saying. I don't like to hear about my girlfriends' past relationships and I don't share mine unless asked. I'd want to know if the info was relevant to our ongoing relationship, but otherwise I couldn't care less. When my girlfriend brings up past relationships, I take it as a sign that she's comfortable to talk with me openly about such things, which is a good thing I think, but I also try and find out what her intention was for bringing it up and find out how it was relevant to our relationship. Usually it's just sharing tidbits of her history. Thankfully my current girlfriend hasn't gone into graphic detail about sex with other men though. If she did, I think I would be turned off and I'd let her know it.


That's really good to hear and I can use this as helpful to my situation. I just feel that the incident today was not beneficial to building her and I whatsoever as it sprang out of the blue. Describing sexual experiences from the past in detail has no relevance with me in my opinion. I actually walked out of lunch (although we were pretty much done with our food) and I had told her it was a big turn off. She continued to explain that she is just "really honest" but really honest about detailed past experiences? Just seemed like an air-head thing for her to do as she is somewhat of the sort.  :uhoh: I took tonight to chill out and gather my thoughts and will speak to her tomorrow.

Agent, i'm over by Six Flags in Southern CA. And you're right, the "he did this and it bugged me" may be beneficial to myself, but couldn't it be reworded to "it bugs me when things like this happen" without an ex-boyfriend mention?

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Re: How much of the past should be spoken about with someone new? [Re: imagine]
    #10984212 -

You are just sexually repressed.  Seriously.  Don't worry, you aren't alone.  In fact there is so many of you you don't even have to bother changing.


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I have considered such matters.

SIKE

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Re: How much of the past should be spoken about with someone new? [Re: Cherk]
    #10984267 -

I wouldn't say i'm sexually repressed. In fact I feel quite the opposite. I don't see how unnecessary talks about the past have to do with being repressed...?

And PowerTrip, thanks for the opinion. I agree.

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Re: How much of the past should be spoken about with someone new? [Re: imagine]
    #10984564 -

Happy Birthday cherokee! :dancer:


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Not all drugs are good, Some are great.




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Re: How much of the past should be spoken about with someone new? [Re: imagine]
    #10984629 -

imagine said:
That's really good to hear and I can use this as helpful to my situation. I just feel that the incident today was not beneficial to building her and I whatsoever as it sprang out of the blue. Describing sexual experiences from the past in detail has no relevance with me in my opinion. I actually walked out of lunch (although we were pretty much done with our food) and I had told her it was a big turn off. She continued to explain that she is just "really honest" but really honest about detailed past experiences? Just seemed like an air-head thing for her to do as she is somewhat of the sort.  :uhoh: I took tonight to chill out and gather my thoughts and will speak to her tomorrow.

Agent, i'm over by Six Flags in Southern CA. And you're right, the "he did this and it bugged me" may be beneficial to myself, but couldn't it be reworded to "it bugs me when things like this happen" without an ex-boyfriend mention?


I wouldn't be too hard on her just for sharing more than you would've liked. She might have had experiences in the past that reinforced sharing explicit sexual information with partners, and thus didn't think it would do any harm or might have even thought that you'd want to hear it. But she knows you don't like it now, so she probably won't do it again. But on a good note, at least now you know that honesty is important to her. So she will probably be honest with you regarding things you really want her to be honest about...


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Re: How much of the past should be spoken about with someone new? [Re: Mufungo]
    #10988586 -

Mufungo said:
imagine said:
That's really good to hear and I can use this as helpful to my situation. I just feel that the incident today was not beneficial to building her and I whatsoever as it sprang out of the blue. Describing sexual experiences from the past in detail has no relevance with me in my opinion. I actually walked out of lunch (although we were pretty much done with our food) and I had told her it was a big turn off. She continued to explain that she is just "really honest" but really honest about detailed past experiences? Just seemed like an air-head thing for her to do as she is somewhat of the sort.  :uhoh: I took tonight to chill out and gather my thoughts and will speak to her tomorrow.

Agent, i'm over by Six Flags in Southern CA. And you're right, the "he did this and it bugged me" may be beneficial to myself, but couldn't it be reworded to "it bugs me when things like this happen" without an ex-boyfriend mention?


I wouldn't be too hard on her just for sharing more than you would've liked. She might have had experiences in the past that reinforced sharing explicit sexual information with partners, and thus didn't think it would do any harm or might have even thought that you'd want to hear it. But she knows you don't like it now, so she probably won't do it again. But on a good note, at least now you know that honesty is important to her. So she will probably be honest with you regarding things you really want her to be honest about...


Mufungo said:
imagine said:
That's really good to hear and I can use this as helpful to my situation. I just feel that the incident today was not beneficial to building her and I whatsoever as it sprang out of the blue. Describing sexual experiences from the past in detail has no relevance with me in my opinion. I actually walked out of lunch (although we were pretty much done with our food) and I had told her it was a big turn off. She continued to explain that she is just "really honest" but really honest about detailed past experiences? Just seemed like an air-head thing for her to do as she is somewhat of the sort.  :uhoh: I took tonight to chill out and gather my thoughts and will speak to her tomorrow.

Agent, i'm over by Six Flags in Southern CA. And you're right, the "he did this and it bugged me" may be beneficial to myself, but couldn't it be reworded to "it bugs me when things like this happen" without an ex-boyfriend mention?


I wouldn't be too hard on her just for sharing more than you would've liked. She might have had experiences in the past that reinforced sharing explicit sexual information with partners, and thus didn't think it would do any harm or might have even thought that you'd want to hear it. But she knows you don't like it now, so she probably won't do it again. But on a good note, at least now you know that honesty is important to her. So she will probably be honest with you regarding things you really want her to be honest about...




Definitely a good point. Thanks for the advice.

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