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Gaining Independance (need advice)
    #10653975 -

Im 24 and live with my folks. I feel terrible for mooching off of them and it has brought up some resentments on both sides.
I would love to get a job and be independent. My therapist says that will be near impossible for me though.

I want to move out. I dont want to go back to the loony bin. Im basically unemployable and I always have mental breakdowns at work. Ive had atleast 3 of them at every job Ive ever had. Self medication doesnt work.

I dont know what the fuck to do.

Im such a danger to myself and others, and my impulsive actions so bizarre that I fear Ill never be able to be independent.

My little brother has a BS, an apartment and a fiance. What is so easy for him seems like an impossible dream for me. I am a walking reminder of my parent's failure and they take that out on me. I resent them for my dependence and I take it out on them.

Whenever I try to move out the story is always the same. I pay rent for about 2 weeks, get fired from my job, kicked out of the apartment and by the next week Im staying in homeless shelters or sleeping under a bridge.

I really try to not take things so personally at work but eventually I lose it. Maintaining sanity on the job is a tightrope act for me.

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Re: Gaining Independance (need advice) [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #10654073 -

Here in the U.S people like that are given a subsistence and left to roam the streets to find accomodation of their own liking.

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Re: Gaining Independance (need advice) [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #10654080 -

I believe a wiser member on this site said meditation helped him regain his sanity. Perhaps you could try that?
And don't forget, nothing is impossible if you have the willpower.


--------------------
Experimental Paradise

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Re: Gaining Independance (need advice) [Re: Corrie]
    #10654090 -

I already have to meditate throughout most of the day just to not have an attack. It works fine for days on end until I lost it.

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Re: Gaining Independance (need advice) [Re: Corrie]
    #10654097 -

Corrie said:
..nothing is impossible if you have the willpower.


From a Biblical perspective that could be challenged; something about sacrificing the eldest son, or something.

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Re: Gaining Independance (need advice) [Re: Booby]
    #10655744 -

It sounds like you should find ways to gain independence while remaining at home. Perhaps helping out around the house without expecting anything in return, cooking meals and doing yard work and the like without being asked - that would be a start.

Start doing things which build your confidence and challenge you to change your current lifestyle habits. Change your diet, exercise more, socialize more, take up hobbies - be proactive and not a victim.

Try to gain insight into your short commings and find effective ways to deal with and change them.

Taking volunteer work would be a way to ease into a coping strategy of a real work scenerio


--------------------
GO OUTSIDE.

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Re: Gaining Independance (need advice) [Re: PDU]
    #10656064 -

agreed

its better to start with increments than to go at this full force. considering your history that is a meltdown waiting to happen. Take things slow. it is useless to compare yourself to your brother because we are all different. just because you arent there yet doesnt mean that you wont get there, or somewhere even better suited to you. you have oodles of time to establish your life trust me.

start with small goals, and as you accomplish these things work your way towards bigger ones. definitely learn from your past man. get a job Before you move out, make sure it is one you can handle and saaaaave lots of money while youre still at home. this way you have at least a little protection in the case of an emergency.

like the above poster said, start doing little responsible things, like chores around the house, reading more, learning something productive, and possibly enrolling in school. also look towards getting a job at a college, which is a pretty lax environment.

in the words of a great actor: baby steps....


--------------------
notapillow said: "you are going about this endeavor all wrong. clear your mind of useless fear and concern. buy the ticket, take the ride, and all that.... "

ChrisWho said: "It's all about the journey, not the destination."

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Re: Gaining Independance (need advice) [Re: PDU]
    #10657009 -

PDU said:
It sounds like you should find ways to gain independence while remaining at home. Perhaps helping out around the house without expecting anything in return, cooking meals and doing yard work and the like without being asked - that would be a start.

Start doing things which build your confidence and challenge you to change your current lifestyle habits. Change your diet, exercise more, socialize more, take up hobbies - be proactive and not a victim.

Try to gain insight into your short commings and find effective ways to deal with and change them.

Taking volunteer work would be a way to ease into a coping strategy of a real work scenerio


These are things I already do. I cook all my own meals, do the laundry, do all the yard work, take out the trash and am never asked.

I eat healthy, i exercise, I socialize often and have many of friends. I have a huge list of rotating hobbies.

I even do volunteer work.

None of these things help me move out.

I dont really know what kind of job would be suitable for me without stressing me out to the point of a freak out.

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Re: Gaining Independance (need advice) [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #10657429 -

What's your history of drug use?

Did you go to college?  If so, what did you major in?

It will take a while before you can move out.  Just keep doing what you're doing, since you seem relatively normal (it's hard to say) besides, I'm guessing a few outbursts that probably are severe but don't happen too often.  Or do they happen often (as in, multiple times a day)?  I'm sane, but when I worked at the supermarket for 2.5 years it led to me to become extremely apathetic and burnt out (putting food in bags for 7 hours really fucks you up more than most drugs).  Sometimes shitty jobs just fuck up even sane people.


--------------------
Space is
the Place:aum:

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Re: Gaining Independance (need advice) [Re: stereolab]
    #10657538 -

The outbursts are rare and severe. During my last job (construction) they found me in a room smashing expensive equipment and tools and losing the company alot of money. Before that I freaked out at my last job because instead of being promoted I had to TRAIN MY NEW BOSS. They found me on camera in the stock room throwing merchandise at the wall and cussing out the cameras.

I often do impulsive and irrational things. Shit like ordering a bunch of stuff I dont need and spending all my money on it, or just taking off on an airplane without telling anyone.

As for drug use I am a recovered crack addict and a binge drinker. Other than that never had problems with other stuff. The binge drinking is more of a side effect of my mental illness, than a cause, one of the impulsive/irrational things like the traveling, spending or sex. If you added up all of the times Ive tripped it would probably equate to a year or two of my life. I smoke pot daily but not all day everyday.

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Re: Gaining Independance (need advice) [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #10657564 -

Maybe you could work for yourself, from home, and you wouldn't have to conform to a workplace.

People are very cynical about it, but it is entirely possible to make significant income through online freelancing, affiliate marketing, blogging, information products, etc.  Thousands of people do this, and if it's exciting to you you could probably do quite well.

Other than laziness and cynicism, the main reason most people don't pull it off is because they have no time because they're currently working full-time jobs.  You have the greatest resource of all: time.  Time to learn and time to develop a business.

There is so much low-quality "Make money online" crap out there that most people think it is just a pipe dream, but it is a reality for a lot of people, and resources are out there.  There are free (or inexpensive) programs out there by well-reputed marketers than can teach you how to start generating at least some income online. 

There are different people with different styles but it wouldn't hurt to start reading to blogs of some of the more successful internet marketers.  Google these people: John Chow, Jeremy Shoemaker, Yaro Starak, Brian Clark, Glen Allsop, David Risley, Darren Rowse.  That will give you some ideas about how people do this.

That would give you a much-needed boost in the self-esteem department, and would eventually allow you to be independent.  But if you are cynical or lazy it's not for you.


--------------------
Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man.  For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire.  Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it.

~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"

:heartpump:

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Re: Gaining Independance (need advice) [Re: WhiskeyClone]
    #10657594 -

I made several hundred bucks a week on ebay earlier this year.
Ive also read about the freelance thing. They wanted to pay something like 15 cents for a 600 word article which I thought was absurd.
Ive worked for two different web design companies(only one gig each) in the past and made about $500 on one job and $150 on another. I was let go due to the fact that I never moved past html and they wanted php, mysql, java, etc.
Ive been looking into just creating my own site and trying to make money off of adwords, though Im not sure how lucrative that would be. Im pretty sure the freelance articles were to make other people money off of adwords as they wanted certain key words in the articles and a quota of each.

Im your typical "fred flintstone" or "top cat" whose always looking for a hussle to get rich quick. Most recently it has been buying and reselling musical instruments.  It never works out in the end though as Im apt to spend the money on a plain ticket, gambling, drugs or an "investment" that doesnt quite pan out to be what I expected it to be.

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Re: Gaining Independance (need advice) [Re: WhiskeyClone]
    #10659531 -

So if I made say a camping gear review blog Id get a lifetimes supply of camping gear?

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Re: Gaining Independance (need advice) [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #10661648 -

You could start going to church. Also while your at home play video games.


--------------------
http://www.dlshq.org/teachings/brahmacharya.htm

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Re: Gaining Independance (need advice) [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #10661987 -

Anonymous said:
Im 24 and live with my folks. I feel terrible for mooching off of them and it has brought up some resentments on both sides.
I would love to get a job and be independent. My therapist says that will be near impossible for me though.


All sense of reason says to stop seeing this therapist immediately. We need know nothing more from him in order to safely determine that he's a moron that doesn't know what he's doing in the slightest. Not sure if he's a psychiatrist or a psychologist, but either way he lacks the most basic sense of how to effectively perform his job.

Telling you that it will be near impossible is not only completely false, but it isn't helping you to actually make some gains in evolving yourself and your life. I'll come back to this and why he's wrong later. :wink:

Quote:
I want to move out. I dont want to go back to the loony bin. Im basically unemployable and I always have mental breakdowns at work. Ive had atleast 3 of them at every job Ive ever had. Self medication doesnt work.

I dont know what the fuck to do.


I understand that you want to move out, and can definitely imagine good reasons why. I hear what you are saying regarding your "breakdowns" and see how this can make things difficult to be able to live as an independent adult. Not knowing how to solve it in order to get what you want certainly makes it a more pressing matter.

There's nothing wrong with not knowing what the fuck to do, though. Its an overwhelming situation I'm sure and this means there isn't necessarily going to be an easy or fast solution.

I'd be much more concerned with figuring out how much you really want to be an independent and functional adult (not to exclude being happy, fulfilled, and having fun). Don't think about how yet. Think about how exactly you would want your life to be. Go into as much detail as you want (like abusing Japanese jailbait, for instance :smirk:).

You're only going to not be able to change yourself and get through this as a better person if you truly, truly want this. Not knowing how isn't an issue because, along the way, you'll have no problem either discovering for yourself how to approach the matter, especially if you are dedicated to truly being honest with yourself, or to find help along the way. No one but you can be you or can make you who you are, so you really need to be sure of exactly who you want to be.

That way, you'll have a direction to work towards as you work out the path of resolving the unwanted mental programs and conceptions of your identity and how you behave and feel. Your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, they can all be changed and most all change over time naturally as we experience and grow more.

Quote:
Im such a danger to myself and others...


You might be at times (I doubt that you are being a danger to anyone most of your time). Its not like it is a curse or something. You're quite probably acting out in these ways because of some kind of internal suffering. If you learn more about how you feel and why the kinds of subconscious, unresolved states of suffering within your mind are there, and bring resolution to them, then you'll have removed any motivation for acting in that way, considering that most of you doesn't really want to act like this.

Quote:
My little brother has a BS, an apartment and a fiance. What is so easy for him seems like an impossible dream for me.


Well, the problem isn't very likely genetic then. :grin: On a side note, how is your relationship with your brother? How much time do you spend interacting with him?

Quote:
I am a walking reminder of my parent's failure and they take that out on me. I resent them for my dependence and I take it out on them.


How do they take it out on you, specifically? You might not be able to change how your parents are acting or feeling towards you, but you can certainly stop taking out your resentments towards not being independent on them. There's no need for doing so, especially considering that they are giving you the chance you need to find out who you want to be and giving you the time you need to find out how to evolve yourself towards what you truly want for yourself.

Not to mention that I think they'd probably not be emotionally dissatisfied with your situation if you were being more positive towards them.
Have you told them that you really appreciate their help and that you really want to work through these things?

Quote:
Whenever I try to move out the story is always the same. I pay rent for about 2 weeks, get fired from my job, kicked out of the apartment and by the next week Im staying in homeless shelters or sleeping under a bridge.


You say you pay rent for two weeks, but how long are you working in that job before you get fired?


Quote:
The outbursts are rare and severe. During my last job (construction) they found me in a room smashing expensive equipment and tools and losing the company alot of money. Before that I freaked out at my last job because instead of being promoted I had to TRAIN MY NEW BOSS. They found me on camera in the stock room throwing merchandise at the wall and cussing out the cameras.

I often do impulsive and irrational things. Shit like ordering a bunch of stuff I dont need and spending all my money on it, or just taking off on an airplane without telling anyone.



At the end of the day, it is only a question of how you choose to act in any given circumstance, whether or not it is more fully a conscious decision or if it is the result of subconscious tendencies assuming control of your actions. I think you simply need to figure out what kind of life you want more and to send that intention throughout all of you in order to find the shit that conflicts with fulfilling that intention and to consciously reprogram it. Visualizing similar situations to these rare and severe ones and being very specific about how you would work through it mentally in order to release the tension that builds up to cause you to do these things can be pretty productive.

I don't think you necessarily need to be so judgmental towards these impulsive and "irrational" things. Its not like you owe anyone an explanation or a notice if you feel like hopping on an airplane and going wherever you wish. It is only up to you to live with the consequences of your actions and to assume responsibility for your decision-making processes in order to make sure that you are always acting and feeling in your best interest.


--------------------
:redpanda:
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
:heartpump: :bunnyhug: :yinyang:

:yinyang: :levitate: :earth: :levitate: :yinyang:

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Re: Gaining Independance (need advice) [Re: fireworks_god]
    #10662074 -

Quote:
I'd be much more concerned with figuring out how much you really want to be an independent and functional adult (not to exclude being happy, fulfilled, and having fun). Don't think about how yet. Think about how exactly you would want your life to be. Go into as much detail as you want (like abusing Japanese jailbait, for instance :smirk:).


Id love to be able to live a jetsetting lifestyle and own many properties in exotic locations. Realistically Id just like to be able to not be financially dependent on others.
When I say I seek independence what i mean is financial independence. In all other aspects I view myself as a fully independent person(I can do my own chores, take care of personal hygiene, drive, communicate effectively, etc).
I want to be able to take my friends out to dinner and buy for everyone rather than awkwardly ask one of them to loan me 10 bucks.
Id like to have a place or atleast be able to afford a hotel to take the girls I meet rather than always needing to go over to their place.
My situation humiliates to me in every aspect.
I want to be able to enjoy what I do rather than work somewhere that I feel so belittled, condescended upon and insignificant as to flip out. I do fine most of the time until someone comes at me with an attitude that they are better than me. Even if I know someone is better than me I dont want them rubbing it in. I kind of have an inferiority complex.

Quote:
how is your relationship with your brother? How much time do you spend interacting with him?


We dont really talk much anymore. We used to be really tight. The last time I really had an in depth conversation with him was the Christmas before this most recent one.  We get along. In a way I am afraid to communicate with him as I feel Im not the older brother I should be. I feel like he cant look up to me and Im a failure. I feel as if I havent set a good example for him. He used to be worse off than I was, even tried to commit suicide but they put him on a bunch of meds and now he lives a normal life. Im much too headstrong to go the medicated route myself.

As for my relationship with my parents both were verbally and physically abusive to me as a child. My mother was always neglectful. She is still VERY verbally abusive to the point that sometimes her attacks make me feel less than human. My dad is no longer abusive at all and I get along with him great. I can have actual conversations with him. It isnt that way with my mother. I also should add that she has mental issues of her own so it isnt entirely her fault. She has severe paranoid delusions to the point that she cant leave the house and has no friends.
I tell my dad I appreciate his help and in the ODD chance that my mother ever helps me I tell her too.

Quote:
You say you pay rent for two weeks, but how long are you working in that job before you get fired?


It varies with the job. I work at the job anywhere between a few days and a few months.

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