You asked for it ... my trip report done the day after the most unbelievable and frightening trip of my life ... :
My trip report ? all times are rough guesses and I have left out many details as I cannot put everything into words what occurred that night. i have never felt so dead or near death in my entire life. try to look at it through my eyes.
My friend (I'll call him J) came over to my house lasnight, as he was planning on trip-sitting me. I had eight tabs of acid, and was planning on taking one, as this was the first night that I have been able to trip acid for eight months and did not feel ready for my usual 2-4 hit dosage. However, when he arrived he took out a jar of ecuador shrooms (which also turned out to be cyanescens) and said he would be planning on tripping as well (this being his first time).
It got to 12:30 AM and we finally decided to dose. I took one hit of acid (which I later found out was a pretty heavy dose by itself) and a little more than two of the four huge shrooms (which seemed to be roughly an eighth each), and my friend took the rest, though I told him it might be too much for his first time. I knew my dose was pretty extreme but no matter how far I go I never get to the point where I would hurt myself or do anything stupid, I just chill out and wait it out. My mom was asleep across the hall so it seemed like nothing could go wrong if we just chilled in the room. As I have not eaten for roughly a day before the trip, it came on quickly and heavily.
By the 30 minute mark I was convinced I was peaking because it was already so powerful, and my friend was tripping pretty hard as well. I was sitting at my computer trying to talk to a friend who was tripping on two hits of acid, but I was not able to respond to his messages because my body was too lazy to move whatsoever -- typing in words was a real effort so I just turned off the computer and hung out with my friend. Truly, typing was so hard it was almost unbelievable.
I could tell he was pretty nervous, though he kept saying he was having fun (even though I knew he wasn't). The trip kept getting progressively harsher, quickly, and I knew I was in for something really heavy that I have never experienced before. The truth is I had no idea what I was in for.
By the first hour, I was tripping harder than all previous trips on mushrooms and acid, and I could tell my friend was scared, though he was very introverted. My room was extremely intimidating (for lack of a better word) and I kept saying how sorry I was to my friend for how bad this trip was turning out. Time became extremely slow, almost at the stopping point. I would constantly look at the clock but would become distracted knowing I didn?t know at all what the terms ?minutes? and ?hours? meant and I quickly forgot how long ago we dosed, so it was hard for me to determine how much time we had left.
By 2 AM or so, I was having severe double vision and open-eyed hallucinations which scared me a lot, and my friend was on my bed though I could not see him clearly because my vision was so out of focus. My vision truly was becoming one large, flowing hallucination. The beauty I usually get from the intense colors was replaced by the intensity of how simple and undetailed everything was.
I couldn't tell if my friend was crying or what, I just saw this body lying there, and him whimpering about how strong this trip was and I really agreed. However, I thought it could not POSSIBLY get stronger, and kinda chilled out until I realized it WAS getting stronger, a lot stronger. I'd guess at about 2:20 - 2:30 AM (my eyes were too fucked up to verify this time) my friend was on the bed crying hysterically and screaming things like "What the f*** is happening to me? Where am I?!" and at this point I could tell I was too far gone to help him though I tried my best. He was having too horrible of a crisis for me to truly realize how far I was going myself.
I looked at the clock to try and find out how long we had left so as to reassure my friend that we would be back to normal eventually, but I realized that minutes and hours truly meant NOTHING and I could not associate words with meanings, I realized I had gone insane. I was CONVINCED I would never come back, the thought of a reality ever existing before the trip was not possible. I forgot how to go sleep, or eat, and at this point I can clearly remember that I was sure I was about to die or just never return, and my reality rapidly changed. I remember thinking that I really forgot how to go to sleep or eat, and figured I was either already dead or would die eventually but wouldn?t realize it. My open-eye visuals weren't just visuals now, my entire room turned into a hallucination. I walked around mindlessly in the room which seemed so alien that I did not know where I was, scared beyond comprehension. I could clearly see my computer, with a wall where a window was supposed to be, and the door to my hall, but I didn?t know the door lead anywhere. I ?knew? that the room we were in was how life really is, just a false reality, everything felt so fake that it scared me. I forgot my friend's name and my name, and that I ingested a drug. My trip STILL became stronger and stronger, visually and especially mentally.
Now I realized I had lost all grip on reality and ran around my room hoping to find something to grasp onto and keep myself from completely losing my mind. I could see objects around my room, such as magazines, but they were all "mutated" and were also very frightening as I now knew I could not even see the cover of a magazine. I walked in circles, truly mindlessly, not realizing I was walking in the same path and thinking the same frightening thoughts over and over. My room became more and more "simplified" as everything lost detail, it was all solid blocks of color which meant nothing to me. This just intensified the scary thoughts of how FAKE everything was, it was all just props.
My friend told me he NEEDED the phone to talk to somebody, anybody, but I could not see a phone. I finally found it, and he told me to dial a number though I could not see buttons on the phone -- numbers also meant nothing to me so I pushed randomly and somehow reached his friend Dean whom he was calling. Was it really Dean, I will not know, all I kept hearing from the other side of the phone was this truly FRIGHTENING maniacal laugh, which I assumed was some sort of God or higher power that laughed at the fact that I was in the TRUE world and couldn?t deal with it. I repeatedly attempted to ask my friend if he also felt like he would never come back, and his answer was always the same ?I can?t live life like this.? Since the idea of my old life was really too far back to even be able to think about, all I knew was where I was. There are so many details I cannot explain which I would if I could, but they are almost all just feelings which I cannot explain.
This was nearing the harshest, scariest moment of my trip (and my life). Now, I forgot my friend existed, and could not see or hear him (though I found out he was still screaming). My ENTIRE concept of reality was GONE. I was positive I was either dead or had completely gone to another realm of existence where everything was simplified and very primitive -- at the most intense part of the peak my room was reduced to nothing more than a square with solid-colored objects, and my vision became very slow, I would only see one "frame" every few seconds. I began to "see" and "talk to" beings which did not exist, yet were ?there.? They were saying things about how far into the true simple reality I was, and they kept talking in complete circles. Everything they ?said? really scared me so much I can still feel how scared I was. Things were just so fucking SIMPLIFIED, it is truly unbelievable and I just cannot explain the feelings I had realizing the new reality I was in. Time was distorted so that each frame of vision felt like truly FOREVER and I just was positive I would never come back ?
This lasted for a really long time, and I just dealed with understanding that life would never be the same for me again. That the reality I was in was real and the rest of life is all a stage and props. Everything was just too pure, too simplified, too INSANE for me. Mentally I felt like I was collapsing, a quick downward spiral. Never on any dose of any other drug have I ever even gotten CLOSE to how far gone I was. Everything was an endless circle and pattern, I just really could not deal with it at all, but I was also so far gone that the concept of suicide luckily never even occurred to me.
At a certain point I just kinda got out of that absolutely intense stage and heard my friend still screaming for somebody to help him. Nothing I could do would help him, and so I gave him the phone. He wanted me to call his mom, and so I did my best to push the buttons and call but figured that since we were in this new, real reality, we could never again reach all the people left in the ?old world.? I thought that everybody else really just disappeared, that calling a person on a phone would never do anything, because a phone is just a prop. I thought about how could people possibly use these phones to talk to one another, when everything is so fake? When I thought about my mom across the hall, I felt as though she was fake too. EVERYTHING was just fucking fake. These thoughts were unbearable ?
I told my friend it was a horrible idea but he called his mom and told her as best he could that we were on magic mushrooms and that he needed her to pick him up. Every second after that call he would yell out, in this little kid?s frightened voice ?My mom is coming, my mom is coming, I can hear her car, she?s coming? and he would just repeat that. I can totally sympathize with him, as I remember when I was very young and was at a friend?s house for a sleep over I?d get extremely home-sick and want my mom to come get me. I felt horrible for him. He realized he was fucking my life over and fully apologized for it.
Well he said he heard a honk (I think I heard one too) and I walked downstairs alone, he was wrapped up in many blankets on my bed, just freaking out. I at first saw nobody outside, but then I heard a loud pounding on the door, and I thought it was the police, and that we were going to jail for a long time. I felt like I had gone so completely insane that getting arrested didn?t scare me, I was just a mad person. But I opened the door without realizing the alarm was on, and then quickly turned it off. My friend?s parents looked at me and demanded to know what was going on, what we were smoking, etc., and though I could hear what he was saying I did not know how to reply to him, words made no sense to me. I just said ?nothing? and went up to my room to get my friend, but he said he wanted them to come upstairs. Then I walked back into my hall and down the stairs, and saw my mom coming as well (oh fuck). I took the parents upstairs into my room, where they got my friend up and out of bed, and he did not even know how to put his pants on, he was so scared, so they helped him, and then quickly took him out the door without really saying so much as a word.
I knew I was in for it. My mom was fucking beyond pissed, she was scared, and I later found out she spent the entire night thinking the parents would call the police on us. She yelled and screamed and kept calling me a druggie, a failure, I would never go anywhere in life, I was going to be pulled out of my school, no more driving, no more seeing friends, no more art, NOTHING, my life would come to an absolute standstill. As I was still too fargone on the trip to be able to comprehend what kind of life I was in for, I just kinda sat there and felt really horrible, beyond belief. My mom asked me where the rest of the mushrooms were. Since I really did not know how to talk I just said ?there wasn?t much to begin with? and she repeated the question though I was really mentally unable to answer her. Then she asked ?where did you get the drugs from?? I kinda looked down, trying to think where I got them from but couldn?t for some reason realize the kid grew them, so I said ?random people.? She said ?Who?!? I said a few names of my friends without realizing they had no part in this, the kid grew the mushrooms. She was pissed and started going off on a rant about how my life was over. I have nothing to look forward to. I am a complete failure. And everything she said REALLY got to me, unbelievably harsh, it just bothered the FUCK out of me. I walked back to my empty room, and on the way I saw my Christmas tree, unlit, with blank presents under the tree. The tree, being unlit, reminded me so much of how much I fucked my life over, how my mom thought of me as a failure, how I could never again enjoy just being happy and joking with my family. The presents, which no longer had labels or designs, just plain prop boxes, also reminded me of how much I fucked up. I wished I was dead, and that thought stayed with me for the rest of the night.
I got into my bed, and felt the loneliest and saddest I think I have ever felt in my entire life. Still, NOTHING made sense, and I was positive I would never come down, I had permanently lost my mind. Only the worst and scariest possible thoughts would go in my head, and they were on an infinite loop.
My room was barely lit by this little candle, and I looked at my table that had this little prop toy of a tiki figure, and I clenched it, hoping it would bring back any reality at all, and I eventually fell asleep, still clenching it ?
What happened the next morning, as in my punishment and talk with my mom, is unimportant, I just felt I should clear up all the rumors running around the forum.
Every night now I can?t sit in my bed or in my room without thinking back to the horrible thoughts and feelings I had that night, and I can never look at my room the same way again.
--------------------
So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. - Galatians 5:16
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