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I Tell You What! Registered: 06/24/05 Posts: 5,998 Last seen: 8 years, 10 months |
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I frequently fantasize about drugs for sometimes incessant amount of times until the mental chatter becomes a mantra.
I very often times imagine myself talking to people that could hook me up with pot or acid.... and very often I imagine getting one of my friends to smoke pot. Just now I was imagining that he was hung over and that I had some herb to kick the school year in and I was saying to him "you don't have to get high if you want to just take a hit" and then I imagined teaching him how to hit a pipe right and all the fine details that would ecompass teaching someone to use a pipe..... telling him "just hold the lighter up and just inhale real gently, no rush to it, be real mindful of the throat not to irritate it or take too big of a hit to where it makes you cough or feel uncomfortable" and stuff like that. and i fantasize about it all the time. i imagine that i have lsd and walk up to a random girl who looks like she needs to find GOD or doesn't have a happy outlook on life, and i hand her a hit and then i imagine myself convincing her to take it, and that i have some sort of magic psychic awareness that leads me to give a random dose to the exact right person, and just hang out with them and help them heal themselves..... and i imagine that i can take a huge dose and do like cleansing of the conscoiusness at my school and seek out those who need doses and hand them out for free. but you know what I've never tripped that hard on anything other than LSA or salvia and I'm really kind of scared to trip in the first place and this is kind of a delusion of grandeur... I can think about acid all the time but the truth is if I took it it might well freak me out [more than that, there is just this complete hell and eternal condemnation feeling and i've been in it while drunk and on dxm and it is so miserable and it seems like if you go you will never come out again and it's like the pure essence of utter emptiness and hopelessness], and I'd probably take it by having 1/4 a hit and then taking more 1/4ths gradually over time if I wanted to feel more, otherwise just enjoying a very mild experience (and nothing wrong with that) and when i was throwing up from my antibiotics that i had to quit i saw some weird hallucination in my carpet and i understood something about how hallucinagens work and i was like man no drugs ever, only pot is the only acceptable drug not even alcohol ever......... never .... and i was just swearing off all the things that make human life miserable. the shroomery probably has an immense effect upon my mind making me fantasize these things though. but it's not just drugs i might have imaginary conversations in my head like talking to my yoga teacher about meditation and mantras, or like talking to someone about a spiritual topic. i don't hear their voices as anything distinct from my own mental chatter but it leads me to wonder, would they respond exactly the way i fantasize them to? because i've started to fantasize that my yoga teacher doesn't like me and when i tried to talk to "her" in my dreams she confirmed this sort of but then i was like "come on are you really real ?" and she was like "well if you think this is real i can't believe it" or something like, reflecting that i would have to be stupid to think this weird looking dream character (not a realistic vibe of being her) was actually a real person i was talking to...... i dunno. i don't have too much of a problem exiting the fantasy as long as i stop it on time. it's not incessant like it used to be and i can have adequate amounts of relative stillness in the head. but i still live excessively in fantasy and the best part of living takes place in my dreamscapes, because i find reality to be boring and i just don't get a ton of satisfaction out of it, but that leads to more reclusive activity and the one thing i really need to do is meet neat amazing people that can thrust some novelty and excitement into my life. and then so i was walking around campus and there were these people lying and sitting on the grass by a tree having a good time, seemed pretty chill and like intelligent "emotional" folks, and one was making weird bird noises for a bit.... i walked by them a lot and kept feeling like i should go say hi. but i thought "that would be weird" but then i thought "if it were a dream you would, and whats the difference between dream interactions and real ones? you get what you expect because you carry yourself in order to manifest those expectations. so just act likes it normal." but then I'm like "ill hate myself if i don't do it" and all the while i knew that ANY ego thought about the subject was completely useless and redundant so i wasn't really thinking for the sake of deliberation.... and i walked around them a bit pondering it and decided i could only be a better person if i tried to join them, because that is the kind of connection i'd like with people. a circle of mixed sexed friends (i don't know why mixed sexed but that's how my imagination is) that can just sit in a circle and accept each other fully and just share in the moment, maybe getting a little high and just chilling and being goofy and free..... kind of hippy like in some ways but i never went up to them though. then of course i was like "well but i mean what if it didn't turn out right at all and was just awkward and stuff" but that's my excuse for everything, and leads to me meeting 0 new people because i'm like "oh well it will just be idle chit chat and won't lead to anything deep" but how do you get deep if you refuse to approach any source of water? the most quirky thing is i am in control and i can change myself to be however i want. and i realized that. so it's not like i can feel bad for not having people to hang out with and be intimate with. but ...... my habits are SOOO DAMN REDUNDANT and move of their own volition. and i'm like umm.... hmm.. should i ... well maybe but i won't..... but i realize there are probably better ways, but i'm so apathetic about it. it's like having friends like that would be great and make me happier than i am now, but i don't seem to care TOO much? -------------- oh and i don't follow through on these fantasies 90% of the time.... i'll have conversations with people in my head but then when i see the real pepole i just don't have those same conversations...... or like in my head i'll eloquently and elaborately explain the nuances of removing yourself from the control of fear driven media politics to my family, but around my family i will just keep quiet about such things usually or if i do say it isn't nearly as bold and "right" as my fantasy has it. and it's ilke i knew i SHOULD go up to them. that that's the only way to grow. but i didn't have the will to do it. i wasn't scared or anyhing. just like...... apathetic. like i want myself to be "low" and "not happy" and "incomplete" -------------------- ....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human...... Edited by leery11 (08/22/06 10:27 PM)
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Bilbo Baggins Registered: 04/06/04 Posts: 1,382 Loc: The Shire Last seen: 16 years, 11 months |
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I often times find that such fantasies have a point that is supposed to be realized in the moment - by you. Learn what you can and act accordingly.
You can get so caught up in fantasies without ever learning from them so that, say, you are thinking about a girl that you like. You may get into that very situation with her where you meet your moment of truth, but you still fail because you did not truly learn the lesson. Just like everything else, your imagination is real. What do you choose to do with it? -------------------- Smoking my hobbit leaf... Please keep in mind that I am just a human being. Please read my posts carefully and interpret their meaning for yourself.
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Cacti junky Registered: 10/05/03 Posts: 6,648 Loc: The bridgesii br |
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<<but i still live excessively in fantasy and the best part of living takes place in my dreamscapes, because i find reality to be boring and i just don't get a ton of satisfaction out of it>>
i'm pretty much in the same boat as you on that part. i wish i could meet new people around here but honestly i don't really click with anyone. i prefer to have deep conversations while most everyone else is concerned with superficial bullshit. there's nothing wrong at all with that, but it's just not my type of convo. i don't like wasting my breath on unimportant shit, so naturally i get a lot of "why are you so quiet" type questions tossed my way. this is one reason i love the shroomery. i can talk to anyone across the planet on here and actually find people who can enjoy deep conversations..lots and lots of very amazing people visit this site! -------------------- D Manoa said: I need to stop spending all my money on plants and take up a cheaper hobby, like heroin. Looking for Rauhocereus riosaniensis seeds or live specimen(s), me if you have any for trade
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Bilbo Baggins Registered: 04/06/04 Posts: 1,382 Loc: The Shire Last seen: 16 years, 11 months |
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Life is what you make it, bro. There is always some avenue to explore.
I used to be alone, barely talking for weeks at a time. It's all about doing the stuff that is good for you. Head in the right direction and you will find something cool. I find alot of satisfaction in nature. I can go outside right now, lay down on the grass, and look at the stars for hours while the clouds roll by. Tell me there isn't something good to do and I'd have to call you a fool. -------------------- Smoking my hobbit leaf... Please keep in mind that I am just a human being. Please read my posts carefully and interpret their meaning for yourself.
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Stranger ![]() Registered: 08/19/05 Posts: 172 Loc: Anywhere but her Last seen: 2 years, 9 months |
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Just my observations, but it sounds like you spend too much time by yourself and don't have any real friends. As a result you daydream a lot and prefer to live in your fantasy world instead of the real world. The fantasy world you've created is the life you would like to live, but under the direction the world has taken and the way other people think and act you feel you can't live and act the way you want to.
I can definately relate and sympathize, because I have zero friends and pretty much live completely inside my head. And because the world is the way it is and people act like they do I've pretty much given up the idea that I will ever find a meaningful relationship with another human being. Maybe not given up, just stoped looking. If I do find someone, bonus; if not, I always have myself to turn to for companionship. I think our problem is that we tend to over analyze things and the end result is always self defeat. You see a group of people you would like to hang with, then think about actually doing it, and in the end never go through with it because you feel it isn't worth it or feel what's the point anyway. They'll never understand me, I'll never understand them, they'll think I'm weird, I'll think they're weird. You and I really only have two choices; continue living in our fantasy world and get used to the idea of being alone, or act on impulse without thinking or caring about the outcome or consequences that would result. But if you choose the latter I guess in a way that would be like betraying yourself, so I don't know. I really don't have any advice for you, but you can change your behavior if you really want to, the question is whether you actually want to. Me, I comfortably with myself and have actually grown accustomed to being alone. I have my hobbies. I just wish I had an attractive female companion with a similar mind like myself.
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I Tell You What! Registered: 06/24/05 Posts: 5,998 Last seen: 8 years, 10 months |
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Quote: I don't think so. Myself wants to do these things because myself fantasizes about doing these things, right? It's a schism and I betray myself by divorcing myself from my intuition. so to take Tool on the issue over thinking over analyzing separates the body from the mind withering my intuition leaving opportunities behind i must feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines AND doomed to crumble lest we grow and strengthen our communication. cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion Quote: yeah I kind of relate. I just did some salvia a few hours ago then got some tea and went to read my psych book at the library. This really attractive girl sat next to me (this happened 2 days ago too [and i also did salvia that day lol]) and well i got some sexual energy from her. For a while my energy (and I was feeling enery from the tea buzz, likely the salvia experience, and that i haven't ate much today) and like the way she moved was in relatoin to me (sort of a synchrony you may notice while altered) and like her hand was kind of near mine and it was just this synergy. so i was thinking on that, like somehow I could have acted on this and gotten a good result. So I was fantasizing about her smoking salvia with me and stuff and me introducing her to other realms [but really do i WANT to go to other realms? the salvia trip just now seemed like it was all illusory and that though there is a point to tripping, it isn't seeing "shit" or feeling strange.....] and yeah. the smooth move would have been to have like slipped her a note with my number and walked off. then if she is like what a creep then no call from her and that's fine, we probably won't cross paths again. so maybe i could carry my number on a stickypad around with me lol? this was in a silent section of the library and just saying stuff wouldn't have really felt right, aside form "what are they doing down there on the lawn?" i could have said that. but you know. salvia [and caffeine, and calamus root, and many other things probably] is helping me be more outgoing and "arrogant" and I like that.... i feel like i need to be arrogant until i recover from being timid and then can move on to just being confident instead of "arrogant" (though arrogant isn't the right word?) -------------------- ....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
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Bilbo Baggins Registered: 04/06/04 Posts: 1,382 Loc: The Shire Last seen: 16 years, 11 months |
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Quote: You do know. You are not acknowledging the truth. You say "I guess in a way that would be like..." Look at that for a moment. You could sum up that whole last sentence. That is betraying yourself. It is. You are not over analyzing things. You cannot have over analyzed something when you don't even get the most important point. You are it. No, we are not playing tag. =) I beleive that you are literally forgetting about yourself. What happens when you break life down? You go into the realm of conceptual knowledge and figurative situations. That's okay. That's called being logical and making reasonable deductions. The problem is that you are forgetting to consider that there is a point to it. You consider talking to some people and you ask yourself, "Is this a good or a bad idea?" Obviously, it is a good idea in theory. You like to talk to people. Ok then. Why not do it? What else is more important than considering the fact that you would genuinely enjoy meeting new people and possibly making new friends? That is the point. The big picture has exponential possibilities, but when you zero down to the most important point - you want to do something. Do it. There's no room for fear if you know what you want. That is all you're delving into by thinking: will they like me, will I like them, am I weird, are my energies good? Sure, those are all important factors in this scenario, but you need to take it one step at a time. You are asking the question. If your answer is yes, then focus on that. You need to trust yourself - that you are a good person with good intentions and you will make a good impression. That is all you need to know. Then it will be alright to breathe. It will be alright to smile. It will be alright to enjoy meeting them. It will be alright to talk to them and have fun. Infact, it will probably be very exciting. They may tell you to please go away, but atleast you tried. If you try to talk to somebody, chances are that most everyone will atleast honestly consider giving you the time of day. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Why is that so confusing? You are thinking 20 steps ahead when you cannot even take the first step. Leery, I think you have the ability to be a smart dude, but you are getting caught up in unreasonable, illusionary thought processes that are dragging you down. It is not right to lust after women. That will simply get you all worked up for no reason. It's not right to focus on some girl sitting next to you and daydream about her. That's disrespectful and totally useless. It's not right to think that you will get to where your going by taking some side road going a completely different direction. You want to be confident? Then be confident. Being arrogant is wrong. The thing that will help you is your knowledge. You have done lots of soul searching and you are learning what it takes to be a good person. That is the good knowledge that you want to engrain into your life through your actions. You have to experience that truth before you will truly understand it. When you are confident and something good happens because of it, you will be built up like a brick house; one brick at a time. There is no room for impatience of fear. That will only hurt you. The only thing to do is to keep on building. Every moment. I honestly think that you need to do something serious to help yourself. You need to wake up every morning and commit yourself to a physical adventure. Something that will wake you up and slap you in the face. You need to break down the illusions that you've built up by having goals and seeing them through. Go swimming. Go running. Go walking. Go sprinting. Do calisthenics. Climb trees. Build stuff. Do things that will test your limits. Do things that will make you laugh. Play. Just do something real - something that is not drugs or fantasizing or being a cry baby or a scaredy cat. You need to realize that you're alive and find a purpose. I know what it's like to be carrying a ton of bricks on my shoulders. What you will find, if you take the righteous path, is that you will still be carrying that load, however, there will be a time when you think you are so close to falling over and dying. Then, all of the sudden, because of some moment - some single solitary moment - you will feel all of it go away. Then you will know - that one moment is a real experience and it is the truth. It will not suddently make you into a saint and you will not become enlightened and transcend into heaven (not that I know of, anyways). You know that for a fact because you have probably had alot of those moments. Everyone has. What it will do is slap you in the face and make you realize - carrying that load is not so bad. The thing is - what is your focus? Do you fall down, or will you keep on carrying your load no matter what? Those are the only 2 choices. If you make the right choice, you are a good man. All of the rest is in the details. =) -------------------- Smoking my hobbit leaf... Please keep in mind that I am just a human being. Please read my posts carefully and interpret their meaning for yourself.
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Stranger ![]() Registered: 08/19/05 Posts: 172 Loc: Anywhere but her Last seen: 2 years, 9 months |
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I see the point you are trying to make and I thank you for your input and trying to help. I just have a lot of mixed emotions and trust issues when it comes to dealing with other people. I have been hurt too many times in the past, especially from the people who claim they love me the most, like best friends and especially family members. If they were really true friends and actually loved and cared about me, like I did for them, then they would have never treated me the way they did. That's why it is difficult for me to open up to anyone anymore because I simply don't want to be hurt or betrayed again. I've felt that too many times and never want to feel that again.
I almost feel like it is inevitable though, when dealing with other people, because everyone who I have opened up to and tried to get close to eventually winds up stabbing me in the back. When I'm by myself I'm content with myself and who I am; and there's no fear of ever getting hurt. But also at the same time, I'm saddened that this is the way it has turned out to be. I start to think to myself that maybe I was never meant for anyone, so I don't even bother looking anymore, but yet deep down I don't want to be alone forever. So how can I learn to trust people again?
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I Tell You What! Registered: 06/24/05 Posts: 5,998 Last seen: 8 years, 10 months |
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"Leery, I think you have the ability to be a smart dude, but you are getting caught up in unreasonable, illusionary thought processes that are dragging you down."
well i'm well aware of how illusory they are with my own ability to perceive illusions and however strong that ability is. that's why i tried to explain that i know that thinking about it is non-eventful, rather the issue was mainly finding motivation to do it, and the thoughts were just a byproduct to waste time and distract. now, what is wrong with lusting after people? If someone sends you sexual energy, and you resonate with that at the sexual level and send it back, well... that's how sexuality WORKS. I don't deliberate ogle over women i mean...... i just see them like people and most of the time there is no sexuality attached to it whatsoever. But if there are sexual vibrations you cannot suppress them as wrong, becuase THEY ARE THERE and they are going to KEEP COMING....... what's wrong with that? It's about the middle path in this case, not to be a sex pervert or get caught up in thinking it, but if you do think it to let yourself think it and let it pass away, and then when the desire is gone don't go searching off after it going "wait, come back, i enjoy these ideas and fantasies!" like i was riding a bike at the gym overlooking a pool and not a single girl there was arousing to me. i even considered trying to awaken the arousal but i knew it was fruitless........ they could have been naked (not that they were far from it) and i would have just seen naked people, and i would have been like "oh, imagine that" -------------------- ....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human...... Edited by leery11 (08/24/06 04:56 PM)
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Bilbo Baggins Registered: 04/06/04 Posts: 1,382 Loc: The Shire Last seen: 16 years, 11 months |
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Quote: Fear is a way of escaping. That doesn't mean you are going anywhere. You are simply not there. You need to overcome fear. Trust is no simple thing to build. You need to do it 1 step at a time. You need to trust in yourself, most of all. Realize that there are risks to take. You need to open up and put yourself out there - sell yourself, express yourself. If you lose, you lose fear. If you gain, you gain tons of good stuff. You are totally ready for this because you understand the problem. Now, focus on the answer. Quote: I don't doubt that you perceive the illusions. The problem is that you do not focus on actualizing your knowledge. You ask why it's wrong to lust after people? You already know. It's non-eventful. It's a waste of time that simply distracts you from what's really going on. Sexuality is not sitting next to a girl and fantasizing about her. Even if she really was all worked up, dreaming about you and wishing you would do something - you never did. What's the point of daydreaming? Is that how you want it to be? Honestly, I would not even beleive you if you said yes. That is just wrong to be satisfied with that kind of activity. You know what would be 10x more fun? Talking to her.. getting to know who she is and actually sharing an emotional and spiritual connection. You said it yourself - you want to have to motivation to do that. I guarantee that you are simply sapping yourself of all creative energies to acheive your goal when you daydream like that. How will you build the character to be confident enough to talk to her? I can tell you how not to do it. Losing focus of your goals. Being distracted by everyone else so much that you forget your own intentions. You will not grow with that state of mind. You will not even have the foundation from which to grow. When the moment of oppurtunity comes, you will be shaken and fall over. True strength comes from self awareness. When you build yourself up to be strong, you will weather storms with a level-headed determination. You will stand tall amongst adversity. To acheive this goal, you have to realize that there is no one way. There infinite possiblities. Without focus, you will not be ready to make decisions, which are necessary to adapt - grow - love. Love is a decision, bro. It's not getting caught up lustful thoughts and feelings. Any women worth having will want a strong man. And she will be smart enough to see through any guises. Only the truth will satisfy. What is your truth? Are you self-confindent, respectful, honest, and determined? Or are you confused, selfish, and deceptive? -------------------- Smoking my hobbit leaf... Please keep in mind that I am just a human being. Please read my posts carefully and interpret their meaning for yourself.
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I Tell You What! Registered: 06/24/05 Posts: 5,998 Last seen: 8 years, 10 months |
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Good points man.
-------------------- ....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
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