[LONG and Paragraphed Randomly |||SO PAY ATTENTION|||] (Shout: Did Paragraphing for all you ADDs' on the planet) DF (don't forget) Its these writings that I really express myself as best a possibly while tweeking, I sincerely apologize please don't allow that to change your outlook drastically because this document that was written was for rl purposes and may have some excessive moments but its just me shuffling 1,000/s thoughts at one time while finding what truly means something to me sober its being all justified in the sense of completely powerful sensations of well being mixed with intense euphoria. Bare with me its hard not to emphasis so much and well without further ado I present my documentation of my dilemma:
Well today I took a huge step forward to a better life; take into thought that I've smoked a tienur (dunno spelling) and 4 hits off a friends gift to me and my best friend. The drug of use is kinda self-explanatory to most who know me from all my misunderstood writings that were really confusing and sometimes outright retarded...Well lets cut to the point IMUP~IMUP~IDone this stuff-->  ... look I'm on christalmess'f' that is about the most purest shit to have ever course through my veins since 2003's hotel 6 sex fest that left a milestone that turned out like "from the grave" underachiever. I always tried to re-live that moment at least once more before seriously taking steps out of the ditch I'm in.
Sadness is my most powerfully tool right now for me; no, not sadness, tears is what rly get my blood going. It was expressed today after a long conversation with a bf of mine (Her father recently passed away and I find ever since then we gotten rly rly close and hoping she feels the same way about me as I do her. She's my only clear-minded peer support and referee I have) and current hospital appointment I've waited to goto for 5 years. I'm quitting cold-turkey after tonight...*sigh* will be my 2nd attempt, but the most deeply felt. I'm really rearing to go all the way this time around; through the dark tunnel with no light visible ahead is where lies my destination. Its a unstable, rough, 10,000ft mountain top looking road ahead, but I'm emotionally set on quitting with a now more powerfully different perspective than my last first attempt. I've seek ed medical help for the problems I've had for years and used self-med to cure, but got into heavy drugs and started abusing drugs anywhere I could get em and researched thoroughly so that my final decision to partake with a drug would be one with all there is to understanding what can be without just ingesting the substance like a stupid fool. It was suspected that MDMA would cure my symptoms and at the same time provide a lift needed for a everyday boring life.
My outlook now is much different in so many ways from when I first attempted to go clean and the fact that I'm taking anti-anxiety/panic pills with Prozac and CBT makes me feel heavily enforced and ready to try drastically/huge changes for better or worse with worse being a complication. Prozac and the benzo are main concerns and if I feel a sense of addiction or mild w/d I'll just fight as best as possible and not substitute another benzo rather something else proven to help during w/d. Which seems only possible if Prozac were to give me the rare/bad side-effects that may slow my progress to a halt and spiral me into depression or unwanted thoughts that this chemical could very well produce and it frightens me since my mother abused zoloft with xanax illegally by stealing at pharm she worked at and nearly died while in a coma. I was only 14 at and my sibling was older but had our 7 cousin with us to baby-sit. Due to this history of mine I'm restrained from certain highly addictive meds unless all else fail. Its also possible I have OCD since I tend to be rarely having some mildly obsessiveness over germs, lethal toxins, death or so my psychiatrist believes on a first and logical guess especially since my parent has OCD including my half-sister. My father was sprayed with AO, which is known to cause birth defects including minor physiological disorders. It seems I was born a child with problems that would surface later in life and believe me lol I'm no retard I'm just like ppl with ADD, but not so severe. Its great I'm getting this off my chest. A hope of mine is you will read it and help me constructively. Its hard to put down meth, dxm (only did it thrice but still), dmt possibly, ayucha brew (dmt) with MAOI, alcohol wont be as recreational anymore, weed is always there, RC's, not sure about LSD, Shrooms, etc., benadryl for sinus at 25mg-50mg(those doses wont even phase me enough to get me off its usually 100/150mg but I quit abusing it due to its bad nature, what about phenegen pothmethizine? no idea there but its a sedative/hypnotic and indicated for nausea/stomach problems, some anti-acid reflex meds and my acid reflex is been doing not much of anything anymore which is good but I cant repair the damage, think about meeting new friends and dump the stranger/friends who relate only by smoking meth, exercise which I have been doing (push ups, sit-ups, stretching, running/wheelchair with feet in soaked grass that causes a lot of drag with a lot of weight on the structure of the wheelchair to cause a lot of muscle pain in the calves, other means of exercise that are more profound/beneficial and healthy. Tia-chi along with MMA, Brazilian Jujitsu, some Kick-boxing, wrestling, TauiKwonDoui, including a few other fighting arts taught for real life situations. Eating healthy is being gradually morphing into my daily meals such as spinach and V8 juice (not the mango or new V8s I mean the real fruit with all the Debre left over from pureeing.) Salads and seeds including meat, plenty of bread, vitamin rich food without sugar or low amounts (hard to find something without any actual sugar in it. They say its sugar-free but its not true for a lot of products) and stuff with low carbs. No problem with the social area while bringing that up I should add I have over 13 good friends and lol probably 60 bad ones with only 1-2 bf, and those are the ones who care for you enough to pull you aside and say things like wising up to a lot of the shit I do.
My anxiety pills help me cope with that nasty thought though. Its another mild concern to me that getting an unfortunate addiction towards any benzos is "high" and klonopin is no different. In fact (I'm guessing here) my bad memory tells me that klonopin is about as addictive as Valium or possible worser.
I doubt its as bad of a publicity than the naughty xanax who seemed to piss a lot of people off while also getting many overwhelmingly addicted very fast due to its half-life and its higher potential for abuse recreational. All i heard makes it seem like xanax is the ugly duckling by most psychiatrists in my city due to heavy reports of overdose due to improper use.
Reports of its addictiveness not forgetting its properties like the 10-15min wait for the onset of its re known profoundness when it comes to calming a persons panic/anxiety disorders other not so profound perks is ability to relax irb, which I tend to have occasionally which follows after my severe episodes of anxiety/panic. I've also had my stomach issues monitored and analysed so thoroughly for 5-6 years and I was never diagnosed with anything that helped and I've been through so many bottles and eventually gave up on the last prescriptions I had because I felt it was something I had to live with and I had been for 4-5 years without much problems during the episodes except at times I would panic due to anxiety before the irb symptoms which consecutively went in order as anxiety, #2 irb symptoms nausea; very severe lower GI discomforts; gas; extreme pains (not cramps) like dull deep pains that had no weakness to relief techniques; cold sweats; skin color flushed; rocking backwards then forwards in public or just anywhere it would occur.
It would just happen I couldn't control it and another thing is I have a small fear of open spaces with a lot A LOT of people when I'm not suffering irb so when irbs occurs it enhances these fears 20 folds and these fears usually always accompany irb. Its not always fear of crowded open spaces (which BTW made me wimp out of a surgery since pressure had to be given on my nose for minutes at a constantly rising sense of pressure because they had to try and clean some of my pores.
They are still understanding what types of disorders I have, but their main suspicion is anxiety...which progress into panic and therefor influencing a case of sleeping disorder (insomnia).
They're looking into it so to find what exactly I have. They hinted towards GAD with some sort of PANIC disorder involved with irritable bowel syndrome during some anxiety attacks that also cause me to stay awake during the attacks until the next day causing a sleep disorder. They're diagnosis after one session: Prozac (why is it always some anti-depressant?! Studies believe they do much better when associated with one another (hand in hand) with anxiety etc. because anxiety often causes depression or SAD.
It seems to me klonopin should've been given to me in higher quantities instead I have 3X tabs with 1 refill, which is great since its been known to work within about 1day to 1-4 weeks? Prozac's a 4 week wait I think. GABA is whats being effected by klonopin and SSRI effects serotonin and has nasty interactions with a lot of recreational substances I usual have had habits for. I tend not to mention drug usage to anyone in the medical department unless I was barley conscious over a table/stretch. I'm educated enough to know that before I take Prozac I should wait a week to let my body fully clean any bad chemical in my body.
Once that waiting period is reached I'm leaping into a hole with a light at the end of the drop that seems unreachable far. I'm going to need to tough out situations where I'm offered or around dope, which a best friend of mine assures me that he is there for me and will be reluctant to allow me to ever take a hit but feels for me if its too much to do and let me take a hit. Its sad he said those lasts words but being assertive I said just never mention it or do it around me if you would please let everyone know I'm going clean so I know not to be around when it happens.
Thing to is a huge load is on my mind. There's finally 5grams of christalmetph in town thats rocket-fuel x1.5 (I've only had rocket-fuel which is the purest and longest lasting dope when smoked) now there's a connect who is a cook as well and a very good friend of mine who said hes always open to me. Anyway...wish me luck I'm going to shut up and not tweek on PC for once and actually care to other joys that benefit physically and mentally; money making wheelchair races,
God Bless, and so may it be my courage?
    I'll just walk away...  ..relax.........groan for extra sleep before work.... ....never used  ...turned around did rails *snort* but no more, no more crank, and no more  ...got a long fight ahead  lets just hope ill feel the same tommorow after sleep.
P.S.S. Gotta love smiley diversity.
P.S.S.S Could someone PM hwo to gradient text and what code, superscript, subscript, and Lists?
--------------------
Quote:
I live to learn and learn to live.
forget w/e was here b4 it was meth gibberish....    ....thats as old as my account...
On that note fart in public and grin. 
Hail Shroomery!
Edited by Muppet69_420 (08/25/06 02:59 AM)
|
Threaded
Previous
Index
Next
Muppet69_420 
Papaver
Edit 
Reply 
Adden
RuNE
Mickalopagus
XUL
Limerick
1 2 all )
DarkFluFFy
reflectedlight