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Help me not care.
    #4577460 -

alright - what im scared of is, even my 'peers' here will offer the reality check that i feel permeating the back of my social-logic brain. I just need to forget about the 20 years of social training ive been subjected to.. there's no balance for me - there's no walking the line and playing the system. I cant get the degree's for the parents and i cant get them for the nagging in my brain - i just dont care about the career.

I just want to be a nomad, and have facial tattoo's...

2005/08/24 23:20 So its like theres stuff that exists; rivers, mountains, rocks, tree's, oxygen, people. And then there's stuff thats made; cars, clothes, time, language, music. And there's me; Steve. And then there's all these people doing this thing that they think is real, i suppose it might be called 'participating in society'.. this involves wearing those clothes, driving those cars, and subjecting themselves to the concept of time - and thats cool. But then its like they forgot that this is all a system which has formed their desires and limitations, but i mean, they have choices like who tells them to do what, and what is right for 'the rest' - i suppose for some this gives them a sense of control. Talking to kids i know who have had bad 'trips', they say they get off on the feeling of 'being in control' when really they're just along for the ride - but they can never get off. Using them as an example in comparison to me, there is more of them and they like 'feeling in control' but being 'out of control'. Yet they determine the control which im subject to. Its like a metaphor for life is 'civilized' society. Anyways, this appeals to me: Anarchists forward the idea of a society where man can shape his own life without being subject to force by his equals.

'think about it'

Honestly, i just need to stop caring and do what i want and fuck everyone else. What do you think?

Help me please.

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Re: Help me not care. [Re: headset]
    #4577507 -

You are your own individual. You don't need others to follow you to leave the well-tread path.

Perhaps take some survival courses, read up on some books, invest a few hundred dollars in equipment and go out into the wilderness for a few weeks or a few months. Get used to surviving for longer periods before coming back to civilization, until you can stay other there perpetually among the rivers, mountains, rocks, trees and oxygen.

But none of us can make you "stop caring". You are the one who makes yourself care, and you are the only one who can make it cease. Nothing anybody else tells you will help unless you first remove the screws keeping everything in place.


--------------------
So long as you are praised think only that you are not yet on your own path but on that of another.

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Re: Help me not care. [Re: Ravus]
    #4577579 -

well yes, the camping and survival thing is getting downpat..

I dont necessarily want to live in the woods, but explore the world unfinancially.. exploring creative means to get around and survive.

squatting especially appeals right now.

Ive kinda got it all figured out, and it'll work out in the end. (which isnt true, but i have faith for now.)

its just that i hate abandoning my parents and friends in order to find my path of insight. I just want to *disappear* sometimes.. its such a burden to leave them hanging in quiet disappointment..

but feels like the next logical step. Last year my mom was understanding with the university situation "if he's not ready, he's not ready" but after a summer of travels she automatically expects me to be cured of my dissatisfaction with the ways of the world.

Its wonderful to have that safety net, but im tangled. there's so much at play.. but i know what i need to do. Its just doing it.. and not feeling guilty exploring.

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Re: Help me not care. [Re: headset]
    #4577679 -

I totaly agree with you about squatting sounding appealing. I want to move up to portland as soon as I can, but I also have to wait for my girlfriend to finish up some schooling so we can move together. I already have myself a tent and the knowledge I need to live on my own in the woods. I'm prepared to do this soon, for a period of about 5 months. I hate this world how it is now, so caught up in technology and constantly advancing. Watching the mindless eejits rush into the fast food restaurants, consuming near-plastic foods, and driving around in SUV's thinking they are the shit, really makes me wonder why I bother surviving at all amongst these witless zombies conforming to the masses. It's funny cause in the past when I had tried living in the woods, a chopper had seen my tent (probably thinking I was camped out to grow ganja) and I was run out by cops who told me if I didn't pack up my shit and leave in 15 minutes I would be arrested.

if you have an email address, PM me and ill send you a copy of the underground survival guide, it tells you how to get free clothes, food, and lots of other cool things you might enjoy reading. It's supposedly banned in america (well I haven't seen it in stores either), but thats cause its alot like the anarchist cookbook.

I would love to change the world and how it is, but theres just not enough people like us to influence the worlds ways. I know theres enough to make some sort of difference, like for instance, medical marijuana, if by somehow you could contact every pothead in the world and say "hey man if u want pot legalized, be here, at this time, this date, go..." im sure everyone who smokes pot (im sure more than 50%), would show up, joints in hand, to rally that bitch up. Then again if someone even thought about that with the government knowing, they would probably be assasinated.

I'm just rambling, PM me for the ebook if ur interested, along with anyone else.

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Re: Help me not care. [Re: CptnGarden]
    #4578127 -

I always hate saying this, it's so difficult to truely do, but I can relate in some ways.

I always have this concept of what I am 'doing' formed in my head. Like some undescribable amorphous idea-shape thing. Or something. I see how I want to be living - the means, the environment, the people, ect. Anoying to achieve though.


--------------------
Do not despair, said the mystery. You will always have a friend in me. Untill the day you break my code. Then I will be gone, and you are free...
to manifest another.

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Re: Help me not care. [Re: AvatarofAtavism]
    #4578357 -

When I am around kids my own age but not really my friends its like I can see through the mask of society and just see the real them. It is hard to come to grasps with at times but society is just so ridiculus I can never see myself taking a part in it.I think I just become too aware of everything and its overwhelming at times. I really do not like hte idea of being a part of society and all the bull-shit but is there another way to go? I will need a job when after college so hopefully its something away from people.

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Re: Help me not care. [Re: Tangerines]
    #4583751 -

well, i love my mom but we argue, but she loves me too -

Basically i told her she needs to change her life (fucked up medical problems, exploiting of my stepdad.) and furthur told her my motivations. She says she's quite happy being alone in her mystery wonderland garden because she hates people on cellphones and ditzes and whatever (same reason i want to go squatting and avoid future.) and we relate and all.. and its just that..

She said she doesnt care, that im not a disappointment and never will be. She doesnt care how i earn a wage, or wether i look respectable (she knows i was a psychedelic person, and all my other worldly ideas) and she commends my courage to explore my surroundings and find what fits, and to go against the grain. She just always wants me to be the boy that will always help the old lady on the bus (to have morals and ethics)..

thats cool..

I just wonder about deconditioning myself to the illusory beliefs i hold myself upto (seeing as no one else is putting me up to measure.)

Yesterday my stepdad took me shopping (i havent live at home for well over a year, and this is only a 2 week trip before i move into a communal house.) Anyways, we were buying lots of conscious food, and having good talks, and i was just kinda prancing around and dancing and talking loudly and having fun (being totally respectable and all) but certainly standing out compared to the conservative grocery store folk..

And he was just rushing around (there was no rush, i read my labels, pick the boxes made out of recycled paper, compare organic vs. chemical, check out whose fucking who in hollywood... you know) and i brought that to his attention.

And my stepdad went up to the cigarette counter and i showed him the picture of "cigarette's give you lung cancer" *LOOK! Look!* and i told her she was selling murder. She just looked at my plainly.

Its tedious to see everyone not having any fun, and then going to spend 11 dollars at the movies to not have fun, and then 4 dollars on a coffee and 3 on some weird crusty chocolate biscuit, and then 3 for the ride there and back.. and then wake up early, and look pretty, and go to work and be more unhappy and then fuck strangers to try and avoid the feelings of hollowness they have inside.

(generalization obviously. oneday ill fuck strangers... one day.)

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Re: Help me not care. [Re: headset]
    #4583783 -

lol

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Re: Help me not care. [Re: headset]
    #4584085 -

headset said:
Its tedious to see everyone not having any fun, and then going to spend 11 dollars at the movies to not have fun, and then 4 dollars on a coffee and 3 on some weird crusty chocolate biscuit, and then 3 for the ride there and back.. and then wake up early, and look pretty, and go to work and be more unhappy and then fuck strangers to try and avoid the feelings of hollowness they have inside.

(generalization obviously. oneday ill fuck strangers... one day.)


That sounds alot like a sterotype to me. Not all average people are like that. Much like the sterotype of vagabonds being smelly homeless theives/pan handelers. Their not all like that either. I don't know how you plan on traveling with no money but its going to be dificult to do without either stealing or begging and being without shelter. That book shroomiedoomie is speaking of is called Steal this Book by Abbie Hoffman you can find a copy online by googling it. It's basically a guide on how to live dishonestly stealing stuff from grocers, walking out on your tab, things that anyone with common sense would know how to do but the book tries to make you feel good about yourself while doing it. It does have some helpfull hints on hitch hiking and train hopping though.

If thats the kind of life you wan't to live then I don't see why you should feel guilty like your abandoning your family. You can always keep in touch. Call them, write to them, even stop home and visit when ever you feel like it. To me that sounds like a very tiring lifestyle though with not to much security.

I also noticed you talking about college. It doesen't have to be college or nothing. Have you ever considered trade school? I tried college and found all the preppy bullshit rather mind numbing as well so I went on hiatus for a year and did tons of drugs and worked at a resteraunt.

Right now I am on my second week of Air Conditioning school and let me tell you the people and the teachers there are nothing like college at all. They aren't those typical card board cutouts you get at college they are real people. The teacher is raw, talks about fucking broads, swears constantly and is a real good guy. He goes out of his way to help his students both current students and past ones. We have his house number. Now how many proffesors are that cool? Not saying all tech teachers are this way maybe I am lucky but it seems to be more this way than at college. Its only a year class and we get certified and half of that year we spend on the job making money. Just something to consider. Maybe you can learn a trade you can take with you anywhere and get jobs where ever you want to be?
Best of luck whatever you choose.


--------------------
-QuantumMeltdown

Total abstinence is so excellent a thing that it cannot be carried to too great an extent. In my passion for it I even carry it so far as to totally abstain from total abstinence itself.
  -Mark Twain

"The time has come the walrus said, little oysters  hide their heads, my Twain of thought is loosely bound I guess its time to Mark this down, Be good and you will be lonesome
Be lonesome and you will be free
Live a lie and you will live to regret it
That's what livin' is to me
That's what livin' is to me"
Jimmy Buffett

Edited by QuantumMeltdown (08/26/05 01:32 PM)

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Re: Help me not care. [Re: QuantumMeltdown]
    #4584415 -

Yes, i said its a generalization. Its a reasonably accurate one (dont get me wrong, i know tons of cool teachers, parents, students, homeless kids... and we all got our things) The people rushing around the grocery store, playing with their credit cards and paying 1.20 a litre for gas.. bother me. The guys in teh big trucks, the smokers, the people that liter - bother me.

there's no need to have shelter - a space is a space and thats cool.. your idea of security is my idea of an uninspiring trap. (actually, the next communal house im moving into is terribly inspiring artspace with a jamspace/studio and is huge and has a big yard and garden and cheap rent, and we can draw on the walls and the bathtub has feet...) and there's lots of places like that.. Im not necessarily into being on the road Fulltime.. (ive met lots of drainbows runnin the circuit. + there's a difference between a traveller and a homebum/street kid.) My parents say they never give to pan handlers and they would never pick up a hitch hiker - but if i ever have some cash ill take a travellin kid out for lunch or just drop him a few bucks (or more) or take him in, buy some beer's... whatever. People are inherently nice.. there's lot sof cool spaces to live and experimental ways to live including dumpstering and growing your own, there's TONS of free food in the cities just from things like food not bombs and chilli kitchens...

Im NOT down with paying tax on my food, or paying 50% more for organic (when i can dumpster it for free, or even get it before they throw it out!)

i dont know, i think we've just seen very different realities.

The idea of trade school is utterly disasterous for me (its been pushed)... im reasonably smart and can hold my own in a class (usually at the top) although university would be a new crutch.. im interested in environmental management and social work (street kids, counselling, addicts.) - and the idea of school stimulates me so much, i cant wait to go - its the idea of doing something with it afterwards...

And i can acknoledge that i can ride my bike for the rest of my life (riding from bc to sanfransisco in the spring) and get around using public transit, and use absolute minimal waste, and practice geurilla gardening, and have cool living situations (be it fixxing up a loft, or squatting, or living in a yurt.)... and i can do that while having a career.

Its not an argument about my future - something will come of it. Just not right now. All good thigns come to an end, but the oppurtunity of my age and the ability to rewire myself optimisticly for the future is too much to pass over. As of now im making the relationships and moral rules which ill hold for the rest of my days...

and one day that will make a cool father and entrepreneuring guy in the background of the social fabric.

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Re: Help me not care. [Re: headset]
    #4584564 -

yeah the steal this book (underworld survival guide), does have alot of information on stealing, and making bombs, knife fighting, etc, but it also has alot of good information like addresses to places that give out free clothes and food all over the US.

i have never had problems getting anywhere when i go on a long trip and have to squat everywhere. a good :thumbup: has gotten me halfway across the country already. and as you state headset, most stores will just give you loafs of bread, or even fresh food if they think it expires in the next day or two. food not bombs has been a great help, ive helped them quite a few times in my city, and they have helped me in time of need too. i also try to take care of most of the squatters that come through town here, i bring them socks =/ travelling takes a toll on whatever pair of socks you can throw at it. - and boot rot is not something you wanna get.

and as for living conditions, i know kids who sleep under a bridge, and still get the best of jobs. my friend greg lives under a bridge and he gets above average pay working at this cafe/laundromat place.

well i wish the best of luck to you on your journeys, and if you ever are out on the road anytime soon and swing by santa cruz, shoot me a PM and we will do lunch ^_^

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Re: Help me not care. [Re: CptnGarden]
    #4585025 -

Yeah, its not hard to get by - i find if i travel with money ill blow it all really fast on luxury items and usually that makes me feel suceptible to advertising and feel like im being taken advantage of. If i travel with no money, money and resources will find me naturally - be it socks, snacks, drinks, jackets, sleeping bags, a headlamp, drugs, friends, or a car or couch to crash on. Generosity comes in many forms, and im not asking - just open to the invitation. People dig.. especially hitching - your like their temporary friend to let out whatever's help up inside them on, you keep them up travel long or short, they feel like they have karma points for helping you out and they have a story to tell their friends...

its good all around.

This summer i hitched from BC to Ontario, Ontario to West Virginia, West Virginia to Florida, Florida to North Carolina and then Rode trains up to North Dakota through Minnasota and then onto Seattle, back to Vancouver and now im in the interior... crazy couple months, so many people and so many things. Utterly inspiring. All with $500 bucks that i spent in the first 3 weeks.. mostly on a nice 1 man tent for festivals, and a backpack rainjacket.

Ive completely reevaluated my priorities, and abilities and gotten way healthier in mind and body.

Although i may end up going to university next september...

I want to get to Peru, brazil, argentina and venezula in the next 2 years.. Maybe Spain.

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Re: Help me not care. [Re: CptnGarden]
    #4585039 -

ShroomieOfDoomie said:
yeah the steal this book (underworld survival guide), does have alot of information on stealing, and making bombs, knife fighting, etc, but it also has alot of good information like addresses to places that give out free clothes and food all over the US.



You do realize how old that book is right? It wasn't banned its out of print. Most of the stuff in there is outdated now.


--------------------
-QuantumMeltdown

Total abstinence is so excellent a thing that it cannot be carried to too great an extent. In my passion for it I even carry it so far as to totally abstain from total abstinence itself.
  -Mark Twain

"The time has come the walrus said, little oysters  hide their heads, my Twain of thought is loosely bound I guess its time to Mark this down, Be good and you will be lonesome
Be lonesome and you will be free
Live a lie and you will live to regret it
That's what livin' is to me
That's what livin' is to me"
Jimmy Buffett

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Re: Help me not care. [Re: QuantumMeltdown]
    #4585181 -

No biggy, its been brought up in the media alot with system of a downs album "steal this album"...

Ive heard about it, abbie hoffman is a cool radical dude, ill check it out... My pm never worked earlier.

Anyways, im going to start another thread here.

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