First I'd like to give a little background info on my personality. Throughout life I have mostly been disillusioned with my peers, though many times I have strived to be just like them. That is not to say I have been a loner, I have always had my few friends. My parents and teachers have always considered me "gifted" because of high testing scores, or the logic that seeps through my writing. However, I am fairly lazy, and never did much homework in high school, and if I did, I procrastinated till the last possible minute. I seem to discard most activities as stupid or innane, although I love to bodyboard. I seem to see absurdity in most all human action. I see all life as inherently selfish (even myself): this depresses me. I tend to push others away from me by being very shy and quiet, but then at times freaking out and insulting those who hurt me. (I am far too sensitive, and these actions really only end up fueling the thought that everyone is inherently selfish) My older brother died two years ago after being murdered by a drug dealer. He was very, very, into the psychedelic scene. My parents said he was schizophrenic and confused, his peers thought him to be a prophet. His peers I talked to after his death said he got "verrrrrry into salvia." Now onto my predicament:
The past year or so of my life has seemed to revolve around trying to find a life philosophy that makes sense to me. I have been smoking pot for a year or so, and ate mushrooms last march. At first, I was quite engrossed with the world of psychedelics (mostly reading about it, rather than doing them). I thought of it as a world of possibilities little people encountered because they were too brainwashed by the media/schooling system into thinking drugs were bad. The act of doing mushrooms gave me a sense of importance. During my first mushroom experience I encountered happiness far greater than any I had experienced in normal, everyday life. (I had been somewhat depressed for the past few years)
Although I enjoyed the effects of mushrooms greatly, I only did them once more (until a few days ago, but I will get to that). Reason being, as much as I saw lots of wisdom in the idea of ingesting psychedelics to gain insight into ones personal life, I was so far removed from the psychedelic culture (living in suburbia, and having only 3 friends that shroomed that did it once, and were by most standards fairly standard suburban kids) that I maintained a healthy sense of skepticism. In trying to preach the effects of psychedelics to my other friends, I was constantly bombarded with various reasons as to why it's all a load of crap. I.E. "look at the hippies of the 60's, they supposedly 'expanded their consciousness' but most of them grew out of it and are integrated into society and you wouldn't any of them ever used psychdelics" or "people who use drugs are immature and their so-called epiphanies are delusional and are just justifications for being lazy." Additionally, I had read alot about Ken Kesey and how he later denounced the effects of acid as "temporary and delusional." And so, for awhile, I looked elsewhere for meaning.
I tried to not get attached to any views that seemed to make sense to me, because I knew my understanding was limited, that I was young, and that many turn to certain philosophies/doctrines and later abandon them as they "mature." I felt (and still feel) very lost. I saw the flaws in being a liberal, I saw the flaws in being conservative. I still do. I seem to be smart enough to see inherent weaknesses in views, but too dumb to create my own that hold up under scrutiny be those smarter than I am. Most of all though, I see the flaws in myself that seem to prevent me from ever being objective. I know my own mind is not above tricking itself into thinking it's right in order to be happy.
Just a few days ago I acquired some shrooms. (I was feeling very, very lost and depressed and decided I wanted that feeling again) I ate them by myself. At first, I became felt very alone, uncomfortable, and scared. My friend called me and when he found out I was gooming, he asked if he could eat some (I had a bit left) with me. I said sure. We walked around and the beach town I live in (it was around midnight), sat down, and smoked some cigs. We remarked "man, that would be great if some random walked by with a bowl" because we were both feeling quite queasy. A few seconds later, I hear "hey can I bum a cig" from a girl a little older than me with a guy friend. Sure, we say. She then says "you guys want a bowl?" Hmm... quite the coincidence eh? Anyway, we're sitting around, and she's talking about the effects of acid, how amazing it is, and lots of crazy theories such as the "indigo theory," how we will make a giant evolutionary step in 2013, and lots of other random stuff like that. Some of the things she says makes sense (such as those about how technology is progressing), some of it I'm VERY skeptical about. (as I am a man of science, not new-age crap)
Another guy her age walks up to us and sits down to talk, as he also would like a cigarette and is lonely, looking for people to talk to during his insomnia. The conversation drifts to how the girl we are with went crazy the day of an earthquake last december. He says, what the hell, the same shit happened to me on the day of the earthquake. She remarks "yes, I've been finding alot of other people the same shit happened to." Basically these people had psychotic breakdowns the day of the earthquake. The whole situation seemed quite nuts (and almost unbelievable) and the fact I was shrooming at the time made it all the more insane. Sorry for being so detailed I'll try to make this shorter: basically, I find out later that night the girl used to be close to my brother, and her boyfriend was INCREDIBLY close to him. We talk about him, and the rest of the night I just think to myself how fucking sync'd up that night was. I was happy again, and I thought it would persist.
However, a mere 24 hours after the trip, I felt like life was back to normal again. I felt lost, unhappy, etc. I reasoned that the night was not all that amazing, that I was hanging out where most hippies around here hang out anyhow so it wasn't that improbable to get a bowl from someone, and to meet someone who knew my brother. I begin to question the stories the girl told that night. (for example, after her 210 day psychotic episode she read "revelations 210" by coincidence and it was extremely significant to her situation) I would really love to believe that the night was a sign, a spiritual journey that was given to me, but at the same time, my logical mind is yelling at me "NO! You were shrooming at the time, you were impaired, she was practically insane, coincidences like that happen all the time, they don't have to mean anything, etc. etc."
If anything, I would be greatly assured to think that psychedelic drugs expand your mind in some way. The girl told me to look around, that everything was brighter than normal. We were out in a canyon at one point and everything certainly DID seem brighter. (it was 1am, but it felt more like early evening) She said it is because while you are tripping you are able to see more because your brain creates more serotonin receptors. She also said your focal point (the field of eyesight that is clear) is much larger while tripping. I seemed to see this, but I could also have been... delusional, and just wanting it to be true. Is there any truth to these statements? I feel lost concerning everything right now, and I hope someone has some good input for me. I apologize ahead of time that my post is so large and disorganized. I'm not really sure the point of the post anymore, it got away from me, but I'm looking for help in some way. I appreciate all comments/suggestions/questions.
Edited by Nairbog (08/23/05 04:29 PM)
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