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Registered: 08/23/05
Posts: 2
Last seen: 10 years, 7 months
Will I ever find truth?
    #4571573 - 08/23/05 06:23 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

First I'd like to give a little background info on my personality. Throughout life I have mostly been disillusioned with my peers, though many times I have strived to be just like them. That is not to say I have been a loner, I have always had my few friends. My parents and teachers have always considered me "gifted" because of high testing scores, or the logic that seeps through my writing. However, I am fairly lazy, and never did much homework in high school, and if I did, I procrastinated till the last possible minute. I seem to discard most activities as stupid or innane, although I love to bodyboard. I seem to see absurdity in most all human action. I see all life as inherently selfish (even myself): this depresses me. I tend to push others away from me by being very shy and quiet, but then at times freaking out and insulting those who hurt me. (I am far too sensitive, and these actions really only end up fueling the thought that everyone is inherently selfish) My older brother died two years ago after being murdered by a drug dealer. He was very, very, into the psychedelic scene. My parents said he was schizophrenic and confused, his peers thought him to be a prophet. His peers I talked to after his death said he got "verrrrrry into salvia." Now onto my predicament:

The past year or so of my life has seemed to revolve around trying to find a life philosophy that makes sense to me. I have been smoking pot for a year or so, and ate mushrooms last march. At first, I was quite engrossed with the world of psychedelics (mostly reading about it, rather than doing them). I thought of it as a world of possibilities little people encountered because they were too brainwashed by the media/schooling system into thinking drugs were bad. The act of doing mushrooms gave me a sense of importance. During my first mushroom experience I encountered happiness far greater than any I had experienced in normal, everyday life. (I had been somewhat depressed for the past few years)

Although I enjoyed the effects of mushrooms greatly, I only did them once more (until a few days ago, but I will get to that). Reason being, as much as I saw lots of wisdom in the idea of ingesting psychedelics to gain insight into ones personal life, I was so far removed from the psychedelic culture (living in suburbia, and having only 3 friends that shroomed that did it once, and were by most standards fairly standard suburban kids) that I maintained a healthy sense of skepticism. In trying to preach the effects of psychedelics to my other friends, I was constantly bombarded with various reasons as to why it's all a load of crap. I.E. "look at the hippies of the 60's, they supposedly 'expanded their consciousness' but most of them grew out of it and are integrated into society and you wouldn't any of them ever used psychdelics" or "people who use drugs are immature and their so-called epiphanies are delusional and are just justifications for being lazy." Additionally, I had read alot about Ken Kesey and how he later denounced the effects of acid as "temporary and delusional." And so, for awhile, I looked elsewhere for meaning.

I tried to not get attached to any views that seemed to make sense to me, because I knew my understanding was limited, that I was young, and that many turn to certain philosophies/doctrines and later abandon them as they "mature." I felt (and still feel) very lost. I saw the flaws in being a liberal, I saw the flaws in being conservative. I still do. I seem to be smart enough to see inherent weaknesses in views, but too dumb to create my own that hold up under scrutiny be those smarter than I am. Most of all though, I see the flaws in myself that seem to prevent me from ever being objective. I know my own mind is not above tricking itself into thinking it's right in order to be happy.

Just a few days ago I acquired some shrooms. (I was feeling very, very lost and depressed and decided I wanted that feeling again) I ate them by myself. At first, I became felt very alone, uncomfortable, and scared. My friend called me and when he found out I was gooming, he asked if he could eat some (I had a bit left) with me. I said sure. We walked around and the beach town I live in (it was around midnight), sat down, and smoked some cigs. We remarked "man, that would be great if some random walked by with a bowl" because we were both feeling quite queasy. A few seconds later, I hear "hey can I bum a cig" from a girl a little older than me with a guy friend. Sure, we say. She then says "you guys want a bowl?" Hmm... quite the coincidence eh? Anyway, we're sitting around, and she's talking about the effects of acid, how amazing it is, and lots of crazy theories such as the "indigo theory," how we will make a giant evolutionary step in 2013, and lots of other random stuff like that. Some of the things she says makes sense (such as those about how technology is progressing), some of it I'm VERY skeptical about. (as I am a man of science, not new-age crap)

Another guy her age walks up to us and sits down to talk, as he also would like a cigarette and is lonely, looking for people to talk to during his insomnia. The conversation drifts to how the girl we are with went crazy the day of an earthquake last december. He says, what the hell, the same shit happened to me on the day of the earthquake. She remarks "yes, I've been finding alot of other people the same shit happened to." Basically these people had psychotic breakdowns the day of the earthquake. The whole situation seemed quite nuts (and almost unbelievable) and the fact I was shrooming at the time made it all the more insane. Sorry for being so detailed I'll try to make this shorter: basically, I find out later that night the girl used to be close to my brother, and her boyfriend was INCREDIBLY close to him. We talk about him, and the rest of the night I just think to myself how fucking sync'd up that night was. I was happy again, and I thought it would persist.

However, a mere 24 hours after the trip, I felt like life was back to normal again. I felt lost, unhappy, etc. I reasoned that the night was not all that amazing, that I was hanging out where most hippies around here hang out anyhow so it wasn't that improbable to get a bowl from someone, and to meet someone who knew my brother. I begin to question the stories the girl told that night. (for example, after her 210 day psychotic episode she read "revelations 210" by coincidence and it was extremely significant to her situation) I would really love to believe that the night was a sign, a spiritual journey that was given to me, but at the same time, my logical mind is yelling at me "NO! You were shrooming at the time, you were impaired, she was practically insane, coincidences like that happen all the time, they don't have to mean anything, etc. etc."

If anything, I would be greatly assured to think that psychedelic drugs expand your mind in some way. The girl told me to look around, that everything was brighter than normal. We were out in a canyon at one point and everything certainly DID seem brighter. (it was 1am, but it felt more like early evening) She said it is because while you are tripping you are able to see more because your brain creates more serotonin receptors. She also said your focal point (the field of eyesight that is clear) is much larger while tripping. I seemed to see this, but I could also have been... delusional, and just wanting it to be true. Is there any truth to these statements? I feel lost concerning everything right now, and I hope someone has some good input for me. I apologize ahead of time that my post is so large and disorganized. I'm not really sure the point of the post anymore, it got away from me, but I'm looking for help in some way. I appreciate all comments/suggestions/questions.

Edited by Nairbog (08/23/05 06:29 PM)

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I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/25/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 3 years, 2 months
Re: Will I ever find truth? [Re: Nairbog]
    #4571627 - 08/23/05 06:39 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

man, your problem is you need to let go.

when i go out for a walk while tripping the only things i encounter are police and possibly drunk people. To sit down in a secluded spot, have someone offer you A BOWL (wtf, how often does that happen in public? not at all that i know of) and then have another person join in and just have that special moment where strangers are connecting with each other sounds amazing and highly improbable.

if that happened to me i'd shit myself in amazement.... the best synchronicity I got today was running into a long haired fellow who kind of looked like a guy who gave me some good advice in a dream last night.

that night was special, don't kid yourself into thinking it wasn't. What you're looking for is not "truth", you can not find truth... what you are looking for is connection.... to each and every living moment... connection like you experienced that night.... to find beauty and meaning in all things, to have a psychedelic appreciation of the world while sober.... to be humbled by feelings and to be in tune with surroundings....

that's what being an "enlightened" human is, it's not becoming omniscient or perfect or anything, it's just living a tuned in life.... at least, in my opinion.. you may eventually incarnate as a buddha or what have you, but for now....

I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

Edited by leery11 (08/23/05 06:41 PM)

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Lark Sord ofDith
Registered: 08/21/05
Posts: 37
Loc: Uranus
Last seen: 12 years, 8 months
Re: Will I ever find truth? [Re: Nairbog]
    #4571651 - 08/23/05 06:49 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)


that was long  :smirk:

Don?t worry, you will find truth

just don?t imagine that truth is in "drugs" or in "political view" or some sort of "theory"

you see what I mean?

very often we feel like we have to "go looking for thruth"

or find the truth or discover it

and we search and search, in books and in tv and in school and in drugs and in .... well ... you know what I mean right?

The first step towards discovering the truth, is simply to stop looking for what everyone else have told you is "truth"

do you understand what Im talking about?

at first, you need to simply calm down, look at yourself and be honest about what you see

If I were you, I would stay of the drugs, weed and alcohol for a few months

they are fun, but they are not "truth" ... and they never will be

I think most of my life I was exactly the same as you talk about

its easy to see the stupidity of many things

society, humans, people, politics, religion

all the fake shit and all the lies

its so easy to spot it, isnt?t

you see all these people running arround, pretending to be happy, going to work, going to church, talking bullshit all the time

sometimes it just feels like "fuck its all just too much ... its all a lie ... whats the point" ??

but you know, just because the system, and the poeple arround you, and school and work and whatever is easy to see through and easy to spot as "fake"

you don?t have to be

have you realized this?

Don?t you see this as the only logical and sane behaviour?

If you are smart, intelligent, wise ... then you see something is pointless, something is false ... and then what ?

what do you do?

that is up to you isn?t it?

ofcourse it is .... thats simple, right ?

you are the one who has to do what you have to do

we cannot tell you what to do

neither can drugs or anyone-else for that matter

Yes its scarry, sometimes

but its ok .... don?t worry to much about it, its the same for all of us really

Life is tuff sometimes ... I know the loosing part .. I lost my best two friends and my mother when i was young ... I don?t know how you feel about this, but if you are just remotely like me, I assume that it feels kind of sad in a way which is not really that easy to understand or talk about

It also makes us see one of the hard facts of life : people we love will eventually die ... We, usselves, will one day eventually die

and this, I guess, makes us realize that we are somehow, deep down very alone in the world

This takes some time to accept

don?t worry to much .... millions have been were you are, and Im sure most of them have found both truth and happiness

oh yes, one more thing :

when we realize that life is short, and one day will end ... and when we see that much of life arround us is basically fake and superficial and filled with lies and dishonesty

what do we do?

what do you do?

you are right you know

most of them are lying, most of them are selfish ... most of them are to scared and to ignorant to even realize that they are alive

but that doesn?t mean you have to be, does it?

you have a choice, haven?t you?

go out into the world and find this truth

find happiness

don?t sit at home doing drugs and thinking about it

that?s stupid (in mu oppinion)

you have a choice ... remeber that

Its very late here ... I must sleep now

don?t worry .... you will find truth

just keep looking (and prefereably ; look in the right places)

best of luck to you

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Registered: 12/02/04
Posts: 874
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
Re: Will I ever find truth? [Re: VarthDader]
    #4571756 - 08/23/05 07:23 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Synchronicity is a fact of life for me, and many here.

There's unconscious vibrations calling each other together. (as happened with you, and the randoms.) <--- dont take this as ANY fact, but an idea which actuallized itself and causes no harm in beleiving.

I find that having faith in the unmeasurable and unknowable will generally prove itself, and consequently benefit you..

You may jump furthur into the mystery, but you'll be happy sitting in the void - if you catch my drift.

Im lost as hell, but im off drugs now and exploring alternatives to "the fake life" that i observe all around me..

Ive been trainhopping for the past 2 months, living in the woods, hurting no one and breaking the law, what is this landownership thing - why do people drive in bubbles and stay in contact at all times? You know... no you dont. Dont even try.

Now im moving into a communal living situation and exploring producing Noise.

Just because "the system" is fake, doesnt mean your subjected to it. It only seems like it, until you break out of it. There are lost souls who are more found than the rest of the world, you follow? Join us, and feel kin.

Have faith in nothing bro.

PS - exercise and random events make life worth living, thinking will walk you around the block.

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Friend of the Fungus
Registered: 08/07/05
Posts: 58
Loc: Washington Flag
Last seen: 6 months, 25 days
Re: Will I ever find truth? [Re: headset]
    #4571877 - 08/23/05 07:54 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

In my opinion, psycadelic drugs open you up to "the truth", and what you experience is just as real as anything else, but it's only temporary. The understanding leaves when the chemical leaves. That doesn't make it any less real. But if you want knowledge of the "thruth" to last, you have to find some way of getting there in a sober state.

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The Minstrel in the Gallery

Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
Re: Will I ever find truth? [Re: Nairbog]
    #4572130 - 08/23/05 09:06 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Next time you do shrooms do it completely alone the whole time. You were getting to it when you were feeling lonely but you copped out on it and got with your friend. ( which of course is what you needed to do this time.) It's still waiting for you. IMO.

"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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horse on moon
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Registered: 05/20/05
Posts: 681
Loc: the moon
Last seen: 2 years, 2 months
Re: Will I ever find truth? [Re: WackyTobaccy]
    #4572286 - 08/23/05 09:39 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

the 'coincidences' you speak of happen to me as well, i am sure it happens to most of us. like some times the mind is just in sync with the rest of the world as if we are getting a mere glimpse of a higher purpose. i believe that these are not just some random acts. that they are in fact signs that there is something out there larger than us (possibly the truth?)

yes it is true that the temporary feeling you get from drugs does go away, and your life seems to go back to 'normal', but everything in this life is temporary... that doesn't mean it's any less real. reality is a perception of how one sees and understands their surroundings, which is affected by our experiences and environment. the search for the truth is a life long journey... just taking a drug and all of a sudden you think you've got it just isn't plausable. but that doesn't mean the experience you have gotten from that wasn't real and won't help you along your journey.

we are all in search for this answer to the question of life... that's what makes us human. but for each person, there is a different reality which means a differnt question and in turn a different answer. what you percieve to be true becomes the truth. so try to relax, smile and be glad that you have the gift of free thought... we are here for such a short time, and we are put on this earth to live, love and question it all. but don't spend all your time questioning because you'll miss out on the other two. don't worry, you'll find the truth when the truth wants to be found. in the mean time, try not to get your brain too worked up and remember you aren't here alone... you'll find what you are looking for.

-my two cents


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Registered: 08/23/05
Posts: 2
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Re: Will I ever find truth? [Re: theBRINK]
    #4575825 - 08/24/05 07:39 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Thanks for the input all, especially you VarthDader. I disagree with Icelander though, I don't think the trip would have been anything special if I stayed home alone, probably would have just been very panicky and uncomfortable the whole time...

Edited by Nairbog (08/24/05 07:49 PM)

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The Minstrel in the Gallery

Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
Re: Will I ever find truth? [Re: Nairbog]
    #4576156 - 08/24/05 09:01 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Well that's what these trips are for IMO. You find out how you really feel about yourself. Your ego will flip out in fear mode but if you stay with it you may find yourself on the other side. Or not.

But WTF do I know :grin: :heart:

"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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happy mutant
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Registered: 04/06/00
Posts: 10,848
Loc: Portland, OR
Re: Will I ever find truth? [Re: Icelander]
    #4586784 - 08/27/05 09:15 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

seems to me that for far too long that chatterbox inside your head has dominated your attention that it's closer to you than your own skin. the psychedelic high can kickstart an incomparable valuable resource that's been lying dormant right under your nose. as you exhale and release that cognitive breath very raw emotions infused into the body pour out unashamed raunchy halarity and sobs and weeping purging mental habbits that not only echoed in the mind but worked there way into muscles enslaved into carrying posture, dull to the explosions of truth in summersaults and hugs. and to defend such a burden under the guise of intellect --- i.e. the insight into the faulty wiring fueling alpha males who wave their dicks as shallowness perpetuates ones own limited, heavy trip..

you're already sitting on a whole lot of love, when you're done with the drama getting in your way it's ready for ya.


Everything is better than it was the last time.  I'm good.

If we could look into each others hearts, and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.

It takes a lot of courage to go out there and radiate your essence.

I know you scared, you should ask us if we scared too.  If you was there, and we just knew you cared too.

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Male User Gallery

Registered: 05/13/04
Posts: 2,727
Loc: Memphrica
Re: Will I ever find truth? [Re: Nairbog]
    #4587579 - 08/27/05 04:04 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

We don't always know what we need.

If I had it my way, life we be all fun, but it is not.

Try alone, don't knock it till you try it. That thinking that it is not what you need is the root of deep seated fear possibly. It can be scary to be completely alone, but not if you embrace it and be it.

No ONE wants to know the ultimate TRUTH, as soon as YOU find IT out, YOU want to forget IT.

You are everything's way of feeling itself.

Happy Schwag, everygodly!

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Captain Zeep
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Registered: 10/09/03
Posts: 1,020
Last seen: 9 years, 9 months
Re: Will I ever find truth? [Re: Nairbog]
    #4589771 - 08/28/05 02:02 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Man, if any one group of people can help you, it will probably be
buddhists. See if you can join a meditation group near you, and if it's
your thing, talk to the other people there about going a little further.

Don't be shy about your psychedelic use there, either. Buddhists
individually are usually pretty accepting. That doesn't mean that
everyone needs to find out, though. Keep it on a personal level,
and don't make it part of your identity until you feel very
comfortable doing so.

It's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain!

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