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OfflineJon
Registered: 06/28/03
Posts: 961
Last seen: 1 year, 11 months
I need mental help
    #3664699 - 01/22/05 11:36 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

Im embarassed enough to ask for advice on the way im feeling. But as it is, im soo god damn desperate for a feeling of optimism. I just realized my friends are being deeply effected by my insanity. I have been unhappy for 14 years, and I cant commit suicide because I realized I cant escape existance. My entire life is based on a movie, my entire life is a movie, and im going to die if I have to live another second of this obliviate fiasco of living. God has ignored me for awhile, I suspect he tests me but I cant beat this feeling of regret. I love all of you, doesnt matter who you are or what you have done, I love all of you, and I feel like ive failed you. I feel like asking for the worlds forgiveness, but I dont know what I should feel sorry about. I really want to die, and I dont really care wether or not any of you feel like stating opinions. I just feel like if I dont get my feelings out fast enough, im going to die. "I stopped, in the middle of the building and I saw the sky"


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OfflineMrBump
Third prize is you're fired
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Re: I need mental help [Re: Jon]
    #3664919 - 01/23/05 12:11 AM (11 years, 10 months ago)

wrong forum.


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If it weren't for the bloody corpses, I wouldn't have any corpses at all.

There are two ways to get to the top of an oak tree: start climbing or sit on an acorn.

Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?


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OfflineJon
Registered: 06/28/03
Posts: 961
Last seen: 1 year, 11 months
Re: I need mental help [Re: MrBump]
    #3665021 - 01/23/05 12:29 AM (11 years, 10 months ago)

ouch


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OfflineBlastrid
e l e m e n t al i t y
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Registered: 01/14/02
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Re: I need mental help [Re: Jon]
    #3666244 - 01/23/05 04:01 AM (11 years, 10 months ago)

Don't worry friend, I'm moving this to a place better suited for support and optimism.

Confide in the shroomery


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Blas'?trid (bl?s tr?d)
    n.  3rd generation derivitave of a combination of 'bastard' and 'blasted'.  Used as both an insult or an expletive.
    ex.  Blastrid!

Stereopattern  <--My music.


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Offlinecanid
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Re: I need mental help [Re: Jon]
    #3666476 - 01/23/05 05:00 AM (11 years, 10 months ago)

it sounds to me like something needs to change for you. can you reember a time when things didn't seem this bleak? if so, think of how you can make things different, eventualy you will get back to a place where you're happy. i could be wrong, but i think the reason that your outlook is causing your friends stress is that they care for you enough to want to see you better.

your first step should be to go do something [healthy] that takes your mind off of your life. the best experiences in my life are those where i am engrossed in a moment. it's not good for me to live too much in my head.

your next step should be to get the advice of a professional. a person in the health care field will have better advice to offer, and *some* of it will be of value to you and relate to your situation.

let me know what you think of this.


--------------------



Attn PWN hunters: If you should come across a bluing Psilocybe matching P. pellicolusa please smell it.
If you detect a scent reminiscent of Anethole (anise) please preserve a specimen or two for study and please PM me.


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OfflineSWEDEN
Miracle of Science

Registered: 10/25/04
Posts: 2,577
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Re: I need mental help [Re: canid]
    #3667882 - 01/23/05 03:18 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

Chin up chap! Life is not as pointless as you may think. Check your PMs if you want my advice.


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Offlinethe_phoenix
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Registered: 07/07/04
Posts: 541
Loc: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Last seen: 9 years, 10 months
Re: I need mental help [Re: SWEDEN]
    #3667957 - 01/23/05 03:37 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

Hello. :smile: Please summarize your mental state for me. Do you believe in God? How do you live your life? What are your views regarding spirituality? Fortunately all that is negative and evil is illusory...talk to me and I'll help you realize this. Do you have AIM?

PS - No need to be embarassed. People here do not judge, or if they do, then it's their failing, not yours.


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InvisibleLe_Canard
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Re: I need mental help [Re: Jon]
    #3668069 - 01/23/05 04:09 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

Excessive and ungrounded guilt is one of the hallmarks of Clinical Depression. You really should seek out help. Also, Concretefeet has some good advice too. Best of luck to you, and keep us posted on your progress...


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OfflineJon
Registered: 06/28/03
Posts: 961
Last seen: 1 year, 11 months
Re: I need mental help [Re: Le_Canard]
    #3669570 - 01/23/05 10:24 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

I believe in christ. I think God and satan are the same. I try to keep my mind off things, thinking kills. I try not to think or try to change moments, ends, outcomes, etc. It all comes back to my motionless state of seeing my life through a tv screen. I live in myself very much, but I have basically locked myself in a cage, trying to find whats beautiful in the small things, but that altogether just makes my life look sad. I feel sorry for myself but im only reacting like everything else. I cant stand these chains of reactions, these conflicts of spite. Everything with their opposite actions, newtons law makes soo much sense to me now, but its more of a truth I refuse to believe. We are robots, we are totally governed by ourselves, the only one we cant trust. Things keep closing in on me, general to specific, im being trapped and when I trip, I see myself trapped. I have had a horrible childlife with a good family and a bad house. I used to hallucinate as a child, things I never wanted to see. I used to dream dreams that would keep me from waking up, I remember them so clearly because it was such a horrifying moment of my life. I have soo much to write about this and I never accept conclusions, their just not good enough for me. Im sorry to have to put this on the world but im really just a giver.


Edited by Jon (01/23/05 10:25 PM)


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Offlineld50negative1
lethal dosage

Registered: 07/01/04
Posts: 821
Last seen: 9 years, 4 months
Re: I need mental help [Re: Jon]
    #3669751 - 01/23/05 11:00 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:


I think God and satan are the same.





That seems like something satan would want to lead someone to believe.


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OfflineJon
Registered: 06/28/03
Posts: 961
Last seen: 1 year, 11 months
Re: I need mental help [Re: ld50negative1]
    #3669864 - 01/23/05 11:35 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

could be, but I believe god controls satan like puppet, his bad days are in hell his good days give Him time for judgement, to the one we so leave the revenge to. God is transcendental, he is so explosively amazing that when you have a single desir to try to figure out His amazing phenomena. He is soo out there dude. Everything describes everything and a I live for a promise to God or damnation burning fire. So there really isnt any escape fron existence. But putting that a side, satan? he has power? no satan is gods bitch. A puppet. Im not saying god is the same as satan, satans a little bitch why would he wanna transform into him from time to time.God is the ultimate puppet master man! And he tells satan wat to do. I have been dosing ambien for awhile and I usualyy resolute into these poetic yet pointless expressions of a conflict


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OfflineSWEDEN
Miracle of Science

Registered: 10/25/04
Posts: 2,577
Loc: PNW
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Re: I need mental help [Re: Jon]
    #3670022 - 01/24/05 12:22 AM (11 years, 10 months ago)

Haha, maybe God used Satan when he hardened the Pharoah's heart.


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OfflinePsillyNilly
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Registered: 10/15/04
Posts: 831
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Re: I need mental help [Re: Jon]
    #3670147 - 01/24/05 12:56 AM (11 years, 10 months ago)

Just on the side note, dosing ambien and staying awake will resutlt in Amnesia. Ambien has to be taken while your laying in bed just about to shut your eyes to help put you over the edge....kinda Liek xanax


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Offlinethe_phoenix
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Registered: 07/07/04
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Loc: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
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Re: I need mental help [Re: Jon]
    #3672286 - 01/24/05 02:08 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

First of all, you aren't insane. :smile: Normalcy is like a Barbie doll, nobody's really that thin, and the notion of insanity is promoted at the expense of the people so that pharmaceutical companies get rich, free-thinkers can be put behind bars, and the masses remain ignorant and obedient. Since most of society is quite literally insane, it's understandable for people who realize this to think they're the ones insane, for they are in the minority. But they're the lucky ones. :smile:

You seem to have a good understanding of how the universe works, compared to most people. Indeed you can't escape from of existence, for you'll always come back until you get it right. The key is to realize that what lies in front of you isn't an infinite of misery and dread, but rather one of love and joy. Don't misunderstand infinite so totally to the point of perceiving infinite love and joy through a perspective of fear.

You feel like you failed us and you want our forgiveness. First you have to find out why you feel the way you feel, find out the thing at the root of these illogical emotions. You feel like you want to die, for life is a burden, life is suffering. Life is the greatest scapegoat.

The egocentric mind is innately self-annihilistic, for if reason follows its natural course it ultimately realizes that it must transcend itself. If your current egocentric world model is overly rigid and defined, if you cling to it too much, then you must stop associating your being with it before you can progress to a higher level of awareness. To transcend the ego, you must be willing to leave your old world model, now understood as being outdated and false, behind.

"I stopped, in the middle of the building and I saw the sky"

You're in an intermediary stage of your spiritual journey. You're looking towards its beautiful end and becoming discouraged at the distance between there and here. You know infinite bliss is out there, but you constantly look to the future and desire it now. Understand that it never arises out of a desire for it, but rather it arises naturally when your desires are pure (love, compassion, selflessness, etc.). Also understand that the path between here and there is a magnificent journey that necessarily gets progressively more joyful and exhilarating, not to mention easier.

Focus on the here and now, on the step you're current on, and surrender to the joy of the journey. Don't fight the present and look to the future, for then you'll never move forwards and you'll never attain that which you seek.

You have indeed locked yourself in a cage, that of your ego. It's good that you realize this. You put yourself in a cage and, as a result, you feel sorry for yourself. You don't need to ask us where the problem lies, for it's clear: you're the one putting yourself in the cage. Similarly, you don't need to ask forgiveness of us, but rather of yourself. Your ego has sinned against your true self; it is sin by its very nature. It feels sorry for itself, for its sinfulness, and seeks forgiveness from your true self. The proper course of action is to overcome, to transcend, your ego.

The ego isn't all illusory, and to label it so is merely denying its existence and sweeping its sins under the rug. But it isn't entirely real, either (existence, like truth, is relative). Physically, it exists as the part of your brain which creates tunnel realities which, in turn, combine to form entire world models. You can't completely dissolve your ego because these elements of the brain are always present.

Metaphysically, however, the ego exists as a projection of your ideal self, the culmination of all these tunnel realities. This projection is ideal in that it's exactly how the ego thinks you should be. The ego's ideal image of you is, in reality, quite far off the mark, and this ego projection is entirely illusory. This is the part of your ego that you must transcend.

Transcending the ego, therefore, involves creating your tunnel realities and world models as a fully conscious action and subsequently rendering your ego projection into an 'open' system instead of a 'closed' one. That is to say, don't cling to the projection and don't associate it with who you really are. It's but an illusory reflection that you, as the ultimate creator, can manipulate at will. You don't conform to it, but rather it conforms to you.

Now the daily input you receive isn't cross-checked with your ego projection and filtered/biased accordingly. Instead, it's absorbed objectively and your ego projection and world model changes appropriately. If you cling to your self image then it's rigid and defined and you don't want it to change. But if you attach primary importance to yourself and secondary importance to it, then it becomes malleable and more able to go with the flow. If your ego is in a constant state of change and transcendence then instead of resisting and blocking the flow of your subconscious, it accommodates it. You are but an empty vessel for this flow.

This may come as a shock to you, but it's essential to understand it. God doesn't exist...nor does he not exist. :smile: Once again, existence is relative. God exists symbolically. Indeed, your entire external reality is symbolic of your inner state of being. That you perceive, externally, yourself to be separate from God signifies that, internally, you cling to your ego and you have yet to associate yourself with your true, inner self. This is what's meant by becoming your own God.

God is all that ever was, is, and will be, yet it's difficult to connect to his light. Extremely frustrating. Externally, you are *here* and he is *there*. You feel so sorry for yourself, so detached from the light. The ultimate realization is this: internally, you ARE God! :laugh: Your association with your egocentric self is the very thing that's keeping you from seeing this. You must transcend your very own self. No wonder you speak of self-pity and death, for indeed your ego realizes its innate self-annihilistic drive and it hates itself for what it is. It realizes that it must die for you to move forward.

You put it perfectly: you live in yourself. In reality, you aren't trapped in yourself, you are yourself. There isn't your ego and you, there's only you. And you are God, you are everything, and you have complete control over your own mind. There is nothing to fear but fear itself. The only reason that you don't have control over your own mind is, paradoxically, if you believe you don't. The ego, and all that is conventional, is paradoxical like this so that the question comes full circle so that it might transcend itself, realize that it's its own answer! There is nothing to fear but fear itself! :smile:

You need to stop reacting and start acting. You need to take control of yourself, and your life. Be warned: this will change your life drastically. Who you're friends with, what you do with your free time, what your goals and motivations are in life, and how you act daily, all this will change. These changes are all for the better!

Your ego would have you believe that it's best to remain static. After all, it can't very well sign off on its own destruction. But don't be fooled: change is the only constant, so you're always moving either forwards or backwards. Thus, if you aren't moving forwards and you think you're simply static, then you're being fooled. In reality, you're moving backwards, progressively engraining egocentric tendencies of escapism, cowardice, and resistance into your routines, into the tunnel realities of your mind's world model. The longer you wait, the tougher it will be to break these tendencies. The more you reinforce them, the sorrier you'll feel for yourself in the end, despite any short-term high.

God does indeed control Satan, who also exists merely symbolically, like a puppet. Apply this knowledge to your inner state of being and consciously take command of your ego. Satan represents all that is the Outside, all that is unknown, all the parts of you which you deny, which you try to run away from. Confront yourself. Transcend these unknowns by exposing them to the light of your inner self: no darkness can remain where there is light.

To transmute Satan into God, you must leave behind all parts of you that are conventional, that are harmful and related to your ego. This will cause pain only if you observe the changes through an egocentric perspective, that is, through the perspective of that which you?re leaving behind. If, conversely, you observe the changes through the perspective of your true inner self, the part of you that?s being liberated by them, then they are most certainly welcomed occurrences. As you reconcile your inner state of mind, new found inner joy is reflected outwards into your external life and you understand Satan to be nothing more than an illusion. All that is of him?pain, suffering, sorrow, pity, loss?is instead perceived positively. To the inner self, the ego?s destruction is a positive thing.

To this end, you must completely surrender yourself to God, that is, surrender your egocentric self to your true self. You must render your egocentric mind open and allow your subconscious, which is your innate connection to the fundamental, to flow through you freely, unobstructed by selfish desires, judgements, or beliefs.

What is the fundamental? The Ineffable. God, in a way. It?s the universality you experience during the height of an etheogenic, or religious, or mystical experience. There are an infinite number of levels of reality, from the absolutely conventional to the absolutely fundamental. Everything is nothing, God is Satan; you?re correct about that. In the fundamental, notions of individuality, definition, and distinction are non-existent. The Fundamental, in this sense, is so subtle that it is non-existent. The Tao is the unseen puppet master behind the scenes, the creator of coincidences. It is necessarily not an individual being, but rather the culmination of everything that ever was, is, and will be.

Since it is everything, it is necessarily you. Your ego tries to separate yourself from it, to gain (arbitrary and false) independence and sovereignty. In reality, you are universally and fundamentally connected to everything else, and the extent that you are God lies on the extent that you surrender your individuality to him, to yourself. The journey is a long one, but it is filled with love and joy! :smile:

Please feel free to contact me and we can talk some more, for I have travelled this path, I can attest to its correctness, and I can point the way out to you. But I cannot walk it for you.


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OfflineyesNick
kitchy

Registered: 02/18/04
Posts: 84
Loc: Communist China
Last seen: 5 years, 1 month
Re: I need mental help [Re: the_phoenix]
    #3672751 - 01/24/05 04:46 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

Maybe you should stop believing everything that you currently believe. I didn't read all of what you wrote, but you wrote something about not thinking or wanting to think .... I don't think this is particularly good. I have tried suppressing thoughts and the end result always became that I lost touch with life and my ability to make it do what I want. Maybe you should just try to do something or be very, very standard and normal for a little bit to explore an opposite perspective. Like Albert Einstein said, "A problem cannot be solved by the same mind that created it". The problem is that there is a problem.


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OfflineJon
Registered: 06/28/03
Posts: 961
Last seen: 1 year, 11 months
Re: I need mental help [Re: yesNick]
    #3673877 - 01/24/05 09:03 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

Oh God, thats alot to take. I just want to make note that I have my seasons of feeling optimism and my seasons of wanting death. I have every desire to submit, let it flow. I cant really see how though, I cant really put my life on a line, follow a direction. As far as it is with my ego, im too afraid to be one with God. I feel arrogant trying to control this life for myself without allowing my subconcious to pick the directions. Im almost afraid to say that im waiting for my directions to be clear, I really have none. I have no motivations or desires. The only thing I desire now is love from someone else, but we all know how plastic that desire could be. I try to be that old man on the bench, embracing the beauties of the existence of another day. If I ever wanted my life to be lived in a certain way, my dream is the 100 Acre wood (Winnie the Pooh) I dont wanna sound like a fag describing this, but the 100 Acre wood is just everything I need. I was watching Winnie the Pooh and the blustery day and I look at its utter simplicity. The perfect blissful life being a stuffed animal that has nothing on his mind other than Honey and his friends. Theres a book called "The Tao of Pooh" And it really showed me how the 100 acre wood is heaven. Anyone who watched the Classic Winnie the Pooh as a child should know what im talking about. And there it is, Nostalgia. Anything that reminds me of me older days in home is just another reason for me to toss and turn in bed over the guilt. This is just damn sad you know? I dont want anything more than the 100 Acre Wood. I really just want my childhood back, when I used to be happy. I used to be happy im suprised to say, but the only memory that reminds me of my youthful happyness is Winnie the Pooh. This is a good time to question my sanity once more, but as it is im soo god damn confused I wouldnt be suprised if there were no replies. Other than that, I thank everyone for their support especially to the pheonix. You made me think. Thats good.


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Offlinejoecrab
Moon Child

Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 317
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Re: I need mental help [Re: Jon]
    #3694681 - 01/28/05 07:53 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

life is grand my friend, keep truckin :hippie:


--------------------
and the moral of the story is, don't try to meditate on methamphetamines


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Offlinetmp420
Stranger
Registered: 01/28/05
Posts: 1
Last seen: 11 years, 9 months
Re: I need mental help [Re: joecrab]
    #3694945 - 01/28/05 08:40 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

I don't understand why you automatically fear what you don't know. Sure, it can seem at bit humbling at times, but to me it seems there are an infinite amount of possibilites for what existence and everything is and means, but not all of them are bad. I think of it like a mathematical equation with way too many unknowns. Life just has it's uncertainties and that just makes it all the more interesting.
And anyway, eternity is only a concept of time (which is tightly knit to space, according to Einsteins theory of relativity), and I don't know how well that concept translates into whatever the rest of existence is outside this physical universe (if any). Your fears aren't necessarily irrational, but it's not the only rational way to look at things.


Edited by tmp420 (01/28/05 08:43 PM)


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Invisiblemecreateme
YoUisMEEMsiUoY
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Registered: 05/13/04
Posts: 2,727
Loc: Memphrica
Re: I need mental help [Re: tmp420]
    #3713321 - 02/01/05 01:53 PM (11 years, 9 months ago)

That is what all of us fear. All fear is born out of the unknown.
Whether you are willing to admit it or not.


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No ONE wants to know the ultimate TRUTH, as soon as YOU find IT out, YOU want to forget IT.

You are everything's way of feeling itself.

Happy Schwag, everygodly!


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InvisibleCalifornia
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Re: I need mental help *DELETED* [Re: mecreateme]
    #3713383 - 02/01/05 02:14 PM (11 years, 9 months ago)

Post deleted by Oregon

Reason for deletion: To much uneeded virtual drama in here.



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