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OfflineCrispyInfidel
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Registered: 10/04/04
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hmmmm, first go at poetry
    #3401888 - 11/24/04 04:12 AM (12 years, 7 months ago)

i was kinda bored and did the best to rhyme as much with one word, some of it doesn't rhyme i dont think but meh, what do you think of it? and how about some punctuation? i dont know how to punctuate poetry, thanks a ton for any advice,opinions,criticism, etc.

Drug-craze
minds a phase
before the blaze

reality; the buffering maze
disposed haze, and exempted daze
upon the raze

perpetual souls inner base
in my face
just an impudent taste
amongst the gaze

this is the sentient case
in my cosmic place
aloft the naze


*shrugs* i've never been good at reading or writing this jibber-jabber but what do you think for a first go


Edited by CrispyInfidel (11/24/04 04:19 AM)


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Offlinekrin
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Re: hmmmm, first go at poetry [Re: CrispyInfidel]
    #3402477 - 11/24/04 07:35 AM (12 years, 7 months ago)

u dont have to punctuate poetry
and there is no good or bad poetry
its all babble


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InvisibleMOTH
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Re: hmmmm, first go at poetry [Re: CrispyInfidel]
    #3404453 - 11/24/04 05:21 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

I enjoyed reading it.  I like the word pattern's you used...and poetry is subjective so no worries, just keep writing.  :grin:


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Offlinebarfightlard
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Re: hmmmm, first go at poetry [Re: CrispyInfidel]
    #3404516 - 11/24/04 05:33 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

seems alot like you just used ryhming words that sounded good.

keep trying though :laugh:


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"What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?" - Bill Hicks


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OfflineCrispyInfidel
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Re: hmmmm, first go at poetry [Re: barfightlard]
    #3407173 - 11/25/04 05:25 AM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

bellylard said:
seems alot like you just used ryhming words that sounded good.

keep trying though :laugh:




haha, are you implying i failed?

thanks for the comments everybody, anymore are welcome


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OfflineJacquesCousteau
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Re: hmmmm, first go at poetry [Re: CrispyInfidel]
    #3407369 - 11/25/04 08:33 AM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

CrispyInfidel said:
Quote:

bellylard said:
seems alot like you just used ryhming words that sounded good.

keep trying though :laugh:




haha, are you implying i failed?

thanks for the comments everybody, anymore are welcome




He's implying that you could be a lot more successful. :smile:


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InvisibleMOTH
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Re: hmmmm, first go at poetry [Re: barfightlard]
    #3407445 - 11/25/04 10:06 AM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

bellylard said:
seems alot like you just used ryhming words that sounded good.





I've read a lot of moving poetry where I'm almost positive the author has done the same thing.  It's all language manipulation in the end, no matter what you get out of it or what the author's intentions were.  :crazy2:

I think it was a good start, anyway. 
:thumbup:


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OfflineCrispyInfidel
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Re: hmmmm, first go at poetry [Re: MOTH]
    #3410929 - 11/26/04 03:34 AM (12 years, 6 months ago)

I did some rethinking on the poem and did some changes, hope ya like them, they're pretty significant.

Here's the new version


Aloft the Naze

Drug-craze
minds a phase,
before the blaze

reality; this buffering maze, disposed
haze, unto exempted daze
upon the raze

perpetual souls inner base
in my face, just an
impudent taste, for a sad face
concocted unto the earnest
gaze


heres my sentient case,
trite, hopeless and solitary
truth chase, abound the cosmic place,
aloft the naze.


Edited by CrispyInfidel (11/26/04 03:21 PM)


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