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OfflineDivided_Sky
Ten ThousandThings

Registered: 11/02/03
Posts: 3,171
Loc: The Shining Void
Last seen: 8 years, 6 months
confused and scared
    #3318337 - 11/04/04 03:35 AM (12 years, 1 month ago)

I'm not really sure what just happened but I had a very disturbing experience. I went to sleep about an hour ago after having read some Buddhist philosophy. I 've started to feel a cold come on so I was very tired and fel asleep easily. Then I woke up and i felt totally crazy. I don't know where it came from, but it was like for a few minutes the world was totally deconstructed and made no sense. I felt very scared, depressed and confused. I'm hardly sure what happened, but it was very disaffirming to my sense reality. What I remember as clarity comes back to me is the inability to make sense of anything at any moment because I am a totally different person each second.
Was it delirium from sleep, some kind of flash-back, or am I going crazy? As I write I start to feel more calm, but for a few minutes I was really horrified. It was like in my half-dream everything was a facade covering confusion and despair. The thought seems less real, but I'm afraid it could come back to haunt me any minute. :confused:
Am I just groggy, did I percieve too much in my altered state, just a strong thought, or is my mental health in jeopordy? I can only describe this as strong
existential confusion and the feeling like I could break down and cry.

I am nervous about going back to sleep.  I am anxious about losing control or going back to that place.


--------------------
1. "After an hour I wasn't feeling anything so I decided to take another..."
2. "We were feeling pretty good so we decided to smoke a few bowls..."
3. "I had to be real quiet because my parents were asleep upstairs..."


Edited by Divided_Sky (11/04/04 03:47 AM)


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InvisibleLifenergy
Yo Mama

Registered: 08/05/04
Posts: 766
Re: confused and scared [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #3318361 - 11/04/04 03:46 AM (12 years, 1 month ago)

Focus on the positive. Be at ease. Perhaps your spirit was roaming and was shocked by your sudden awakening, being thrown back into perceived reality without warning. If this happens again, close your eyes as soon as you recognize what is occuring and repeatedly say one word to yourself, perhaps a mantra. You will be yourself in no time.


--------------------
Everything that we see is a shadow cast by that which we do not see.


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OfflineDivided_Sky
Ten ThousandThings

Registered: 11/02/03
Posts: 3,171
Loc: The Shining Void
Last seen: 8 years, 6 months
Re: confused and scared [Re: Lifenergy]
    #3320962 - 11/04/04 07:29 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

Well, I guess that's what happens when you get half alseep delirious thinking about the nature of reality. No more philosophy before bed.


--------------------
1. "After an hour I wasn't feeling anything so I decided to take another..."
2. "We were feeling pretty good so we decided to smoke a few bowls..."
3. "I had to be real quiet because my parents were asleep upstairs..."


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InvisibleMOTH
Wild Woman
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Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,359
Loc: In the jungle
Re: confused and scared [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #3321014 - 11/04/04 07:43 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

Hey Divided Sky,

I've had something like that happen to me on several occasions.  I have no idea why, but I like the other idea of your spirit springing back into the body suddenly, and being confused. 

If you don't mind me saying so, from reading your posts it seems like you have a real fear of not being in control. If you can, I would turn there first for answers.  Confront what scares you the most about not being in control of a situation.  I am also a person who is uncomfortable in situations where my mentality feels challenged.  My fear of not being in control really came out after a particular shroom trip, and forced me to confront it.  Nowdays, I try to practice acceptance, and I think it's working.  I don't freak out as much whenever I am in a scary out-of-control type situation. 

The weirdest thing about control is that the more you try to stay in control, the more out of hand you feel.  I find that only with acceptance am I able to feel at peace.  Whenever I say "fuck it" and try to find the positive in what's happening, I am happiest. 

Anyway, I hope I helped a little, and sorry you had such an uncomfortable night.  :heart: 


truly,

*me*


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OfflineMarkostheGnostic
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Registered: 12/10/99
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Re: confused and scared [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #3327091 - 11/06/04 10:52 AM (12 years, 1 month ago)

I am a Western man, a Jew by circumstance, a Christian by choice, who once wrote a 222 page Doctoral dissertation on Tibetan Buddhist Yoga and Western psychologies. I mention all this because in the hierarchy of my psychospiritual life, I am a Jewish Christian Gnostic first, who has learned from, acquired an inner map from, and benefitted by my understanding of [Tibetan] Buddhism. I even wear a ring and a bracelet with OM MANI PADME HUM on them (because I once Experienced the Reality that the mantra represents, and it was consonant with my Christian understanding of Ultimate Reality). HOWEVER...and I do not wish to confuse anyone...I am not a Buddhist by faith.

The transplantation of Eastern thought into the 'ground' of the Western psyche is very tricky and even dangerous because of an innate tendency to misunderstand and confuse concepts. Our existence is illusory (ego especially) ONLY as compared to the Absolute, Sunyata, the Clear Light of the Void. We are quite real compared to everything else that exists in space-time.

The Void in Buddhism is without qualification, without attributes like Nirguna Brahman in Hinduism, or Ein Sof in Jewish Kabbalism, or the Superessential Godhead [Pseudo-Dionysus] in Christian mysticism. Most people NEED the other aspect of the Absolute - GOD-with-attributes, the personal GOD: the Father, the King of the Universe, Saguna Brahman in Judaism, Christianity and Hinduism respectively. Buddhism developed its notion of the Void from Nirguna Brahman alone. All of this means that prayer and response to prayer, grace, faith in the benevolence and sentience of GOD, is missing in Buddhism. Buddhism APPEARS TO BE a kind if 'atomism,' like Democritus the ancient Greek, or Hobbes, or other materialistic philosophies which are broken down to 'mind-moments' as well as to atomic particles in motion. But Buddhism is also about COMPASSION - the Jewel in the Lotus of the Heart - perhaps identical to Christian Agape :love:. But the metaphysical mechanics of Buddhism hide this essential Truth of Compassion as the Ultimate Reality (as in "God is love"), and Westerners involute upon their own psychic processes, forgetting the 'Consciousness' which creates and sustains existence - namely, GOD. Such involution, the 'untying of the knots' of ego, especially prematurely, can result in confusion or worse, 'decompensation' which is a psychotic process in which the ego breaks down. The ego needs to be transcended, not broken down. Psychosis is not transcendence, catatonia is not samadhi.

I hope you get what I'm saying. I've assumed the positions of Buddhism and of Christianity, and the evidence for GOD, both Personal and Transpersonal, outweighs my experience of the Void, Impersonal and Transpersonal. I am speaking, I think, not of my individual choices and preferences, but of my nature as a Westerner, psychologically, spiritually, socio-culturally, and geographically. I have, as a Westerner, developed more through Western traditions (including Alchemy and Gnostic thought), but Yoga psychology both Hindu and Buddhist have been invaluable, THE greatest systematic methods for identifying my inner life. I remain, however, 'born in the USA,' NJ in fact, and eventually one has to be ruthlessly honest when one does Self-Inquiry and asks "Who am I?"  Be kind to your mind :wink:


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OfflineDivided_Sky
Ten ThousandThings

Registered: 11/02/03
Posts: 3,171
Loc: The Shining Void
Last seen: 8 years, 6 months
Re: confused and scared [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
    #3328833 - 11/06/04 11:07 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

Markos,...amazing post. That was great. Very inteligent. As person who used to be Christian and studied Gnosticism, is Buddhist and has alot of knowledge of Hinduism, I find your position very interesting .
I can also relate strongly to "breaking down the ego". It really seems like that is what has been happening with me lately, and that is precisely what that half/dream state was. It felt like I was losing my mind.

Everything you said was dead on, but the tricky thing is, that one thing I just can't get my mind around, how do these concepts relate to my experience? Perhaps my experience has been limited or mundane so trying to relate ideas of God or Transpersonal is discouraging. I think I see how my own experiences tie into these concepts, but something about them isn't satisfying. I'm not sure why.


Ellemy, you are also completely right. I have known this for quite some time, and it is why I have difficulty with high doses of drugs that have a confusing or disasociating effect. A while back I became aware of the tyrannical, controlling and unforgiving character of my ego. I'm afraid of impulsiveness and thoughtlessness.
Actually over the weekend I actually passed up shrooms, weed, exctasy, nitrous (most of it free), and I even chickened out on my own mescaline, which I had brewed (I gave it to some unidentified people), just because I didn't feel in my comfort zone.
You're defintaley right, but I'm not really sure what to do.

Thank you both. :heartpump:


--------------------
1. "After an hour I wasn't feeling anything so I decided to take another..."
2. "We were feeling pretty good so we decided to smoke a few bowls..."
3. "I had to be real quiet because my parents were asleep upstairs..."


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OfflineShitEatingFaggot
Stranger
Registered: 11/07/04
Posts: 50
Last seen: 12 years, 1 month
Re: confused and scared [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #3329117 - 11/07/04 01:08 AM (12 years, 1 month ago)

The main problem is that you're a total cocksucker.

I recommend you shoot yourself in the face ASAP.


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InvisibleSuper_Blunt
Candyman
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Registered: 10/25/04
Posts: 3,140
Re: confused and scared [Re: ShitEatingFaggot]
    #3329142 - 11/07/04 01:11 AM (12 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

ShitEatingFaggot said:
The main problem is that you're a total cocksucker.

I recommend you shoot yourself in the face ASAP.




whoah buddy !


--------------------


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OfflineShitEatingFaggot
Stranger
Registered: 11/07/04
Posts: 50
Last seen: 12 years, 1 month
Re: confused and scared [Re: Super_Blunt]
    #3329183 - 11/07/04 01:20 AM (12 years, 1 month ago)

Don't worry, I wouldn't say that to anyone who wasn't totally worthless.


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InvisibleSuper_Blunt
Candyman
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Registered: 10/25/04
Posts: 3,140
Re: confused and scared [Re: ShitEatingFaggot]
    #3329186 - 11/07/04 01:20 AM (12 years, 1 month ago)

qalm urselv


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Offlinedeathcapcubensis
hunter
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Registered: 10/26/04
Posts: 509
Last seen: 1 year, 5 months
Re: confused and scared [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #3330262 - 11/07/04 05:57 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

Thats funny I just had this happen to me.....its a bizzare feeling. Like oyu are trying to think and make sense when you awaken, but nothing you percieve makes any sense....its happened to me probably 3 times upon waking


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OfflineDivided_Sky
Ten ThousandThings

Registered: 11/02/03
Posts: 3,171
Loc: The Shining Void
Last seen: 8 years, 6 months
Re: confused and scared [Re: ShitEatingFaggot]
    #3331226 - 11/07/04 10:28 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

ShitEatingFaggot said:
The main problem is that you're a total cocksucker.

I recommend you shoot yourself in the face ASAP.




:ban:

This is what he put in my ratings with the one shroom:

Quote:

lets rub poop all over each opther and fuck eacthoeth in the ass teh xxx oo o

you FUCKING AFFGGOT!!! fuck you[/qoute]


--------------------
1. "After an hour I wasn't feeling anything so I decided to take another..."
2. "We were feeling pretty good so we decided to smoke a few bowls..."
3. "I had to be real quiet because my parents were asleep upstairs..."


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InvisibleMOTH
Wild Woman
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Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,359
Loc: In the jungle
Re: confused and scared [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #3331253 - 11/07/04 10:34 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

He did get banned, thankfully.  (there's a thread in Website Announcements)

Hope you're feeling better.  :heart:


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OfflineMarkostheGnostic
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Registered: 12/10/99
Posts: 12,756
Loc: South Florida Flag
Last seen: 9 hours, 28 minutes
Re: confused and scared [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #3332353 - 11/08/04 07:44 AM (12 years, 1 month ago)

Clarification:
I AM a Christian, but I don't want to be misidentified with Fundamentalism or some other heresy, so I qualify 'Christian' with 'Jewish Christian' because that describes a particular development in my life. Then, I add to this 'Gnostic' ONLY to stress that Religious Experience (Entheogenic and other) preceded my adoption of the title 'Christian.' In other words, certain Experiences [of Christ] came before my faith in Christ. Saint Paul (and others) also had Experiences of Christ before they developed faith in Christ. Throughout my years of seeking, I also acquired some Wisdom from non-Judao-Christian traditions.


--------------------
γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself


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OfflineDogood
Stranger
Registered: 11/01/04
Posts: 10
Last seen: 11 years, 1 month
Re: confused and scared [Re: ShitEatingFaggot]
    #3332394 - 11/08/04 08:11 AM (12 years, 1 month ago)

You sir have lots to learn.YOu calling someone worthless just shows us you price tag


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