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I really don't know what to do, or if I should even do anything. I haven't used any drugs in around a week, for no particular reason, I would think, but I'm still confused.
I don't think anyone would read it but I'll attach a text that I wrote today also for no particular reason, I think.
If anyone makes it through the whole thing it's greatly appreciated. I don't know what to excpect if anything, I doubt it's even understandable. But I think I need help, I just don't know in what form, I'v been changing my life lately I would think for the better but I donno. Anyways I just felt I should put it somewhere.
Quote: Confusion sets in this time of year, or so it's told to me by others. Maybe it's the others that bring on such feelings, Well fuck people, or so they tell me. Confusion is why I'm here driving my insanity to the brinks, yet drugless. Hrm.. WHy? Unknown to me now maybe things will clear. And by clear it is unknown as to if that means I should go forth with journeys to the depths of my mind, or fog it up with clouds of smoke, both sound fun so it could be a combination of both. Then again maybe clear means no drugs, maybe it's residual effects that pester my mind to the point that I don't know why. COuld there be another way? But with who? Don't lie you know who you want, but it's impossible, or is it? FUCK never knowing never showing the reactions that hide in the mindfuck that has cleared, or so one is led to believe, I don't know, confusion sets in. I wasn't confused last year, maybe because I didn't know I don't know. What is it? The concept that drives life, that would be the concept of concepts, and it's a tricky one that maybe shouldn't be considered so hard. Or should it? Confusion seems to drive these feeling to the point of no return, or can you? To many questions that I shouldn't question, yet do, and can't help to. I once said fuck it I don't care. Yet do I? Or is it the outward appearance brought on in peoples minds based on thier own reality and life experience. Feelings drive humanity to the point of society yet once it's reached there is nothing more desired than to go back to primal urges so simple. Is it really so important to care or not to confuse those who are around the confused souls and confused me which drives me. What is it that drives me now? One person. WHy? Probably because said person is unattainable as far as that goes the words used to describe don't do justice to my feelings, which confuse. Death seems welcome yet so unkind to me that it's there waiting for me sometime, yet when is something I do not care to know. My mentality is so much different than my outward appearance, throw on a hat and a smile and people think you may be someone else, someone new. Mysterious in your own way in the thoughts that drive you to this insane confusion. Was it the mushrooms? Yes. But is it such a bad thing to be confronting it this way? I don't know maybe I should ask for help, maybe I should wonder why. Yet you kow why. It's for the perosn that you are. Yet also for the person you want to be? Progression through life experiences, hypocritical statements, define that. Use it out of context and it hurts. I.S.? Why? That's what after school is for. School. HA slightly the joke that lets me wake up in the morning wanting to get up, yet my mind is clouded so I don't come to the realization that it will drive my confusion, now that I think of it, is it really confusion wholeheartedly or a few choices that aren't really choices, that you beat yourself up over. Never knowing why doesn't help either, because I don't know, or do I just not want to accept it? Why are you driven to write this? Will it calm your mind of the confusion to see it all afterwards? Or will it baffle my own reality and confuse me more? Does it even matter any more? Anything that is, the question is even directed at life itself. Where could should you go when you can go anywhere and do anything but don't care to becasue of a single person that you want to share it all with. Is it worth it? Unknown to me at this time, THe time of confusion and insanity has set in, is everyone aware? Or the people who fuck with my head? Question what and Do what. Life saying? Life's a bitch, make it yours. I try and try is it time to give up and follow a different route? The norm of Life's a bitch and then you die. Probably a mix of both as thats what seems to be the reality, though if you don't set the bar high enough you will give up once the bar is reached, or you wil give up because of all that's left. Is it really a hard time for you right now? This part of your life that as it's said everyone goes through in thier own little world and perspective thereof. The sad thing is would be the contradictions and inconsitencies that make the language of English so mundane and unthere. My brain works without language but rather with feelings that can't be described by a sound but rather must be a shared experience, though they won't and never will experience it the same way, or else we would all be one. Yet we are to a degree so slight it shouldn't be mentioned to those becasue it confuses, or maybe not and I could be wrong but why is it? It being that UNKNOWN THING THAT DRIVES MY INSANITY. But are you really insane, you can hide it, is that insane, or is truely insane something unable to be hidden, or is it hidden by the fact that it isn't put in the the sounds that make up language. Was it really the mushrooms? Maybe not. Inconsitencies always surface. When do you think this will be done? What defines such a word that is now being tranfered to electrical urges possibly similar in a way to those of primal simplness, live or die, never knowing, never showing the true blood that flows through my veins to the mentality that runs through my brain. Only if there were 2 of you out there, whatever that means. Stupid shithead, STOP with the questions you can't answer, could that be what drives my insanity, or my intelect? Or are they both one in the same? Could be that concepts are to blame for confusing your mind, or it could be another. I tried to stop but more came out, but why? Because you keep that shit up, for the reason you are insane. Show your true face to the world and the results may be more appealing, or make you want to cry. But do you? No for what reason? No one cares.. In my little world. Save me. I think it could be help I need, but is it help from a single known person, that one that drives you. Clean room and clean body. Lies that hide and resurface at will, let's hope they don't in the time that you need them not to. One more time and it could spelll disaster for the reputation you don't have nor care about, yet you care about the person you may hurt. Yet in the end, with truth, that person is you, you being me and me being that person that is driven to insanity, As has been said many times yet resurfaces to prove nothing, as it just comes. I sit down and hope for the next day to come so that the next may come sooner, but for what reason, what does the future hold that's so appealing? The unknown or plans you try to make that never come through. Your too late, and don't offer the way things are because of the cloud over your head you put there in your own usage and lack of determination. virgin bodies are something in mind and not in body yet it is the physicalness people compare to, not the mind that has slipped through the cracks of unknowing recluse. Lies hold truth to the fact that drunkenness causes people to act stupid, or maybe on there own accord allow truth to be told. Go fog your mind up to ease the pain, yet with what? It doesn't have to be pot, smash your head multiple times and call me in the morning, Paging yourself wont to anything but confuse your already tomented soul, yet others have it worse off, or so people say, based on their own experiences, Fuck it, it's all been said and measn nothing. When can I fall asleep and never wake up? Or should it be something more physical, a fall, a cut, a snap, or bash. You become "less inward" or so you told yourself. And maybe because of this you realized how inward you are when the setter can't set the mental wounds and breaks that pester my unknowing mind. Yet sure as shooting 2+2 is 4 and that wont change, what will are the concepts that drive peoples lives, mine to insanity. And if anyone saw this they would question you slap, and call you stupid, fire me, and wonder what the fuck drugs I have taken. None thanks but I'll take some arsenic, not that I'm suicidal, but choices are there to be made and if they are made based on availability what does that really mean? Nothing. So stick with the confusion and insanity til you find your way. Life will become so much more understandable and sane. Or maybe your still wrong and need to questionm life somemore, thought I would be done, but never. And always, it drives me. It keeps me sober in that I'm fucking insane. WHAT? never midn that it isn't important and never will always express the concepts. FUck concepts no more. 2+2 is 4 and that's that. Unless.. FUck off you know not what to do so let life takes it's course, pff. Or fight it and the conformaty that's truely insane. The problem is you don't know, because you aren't the only inward one out there. Stick with your hand and your mind and you will find that rest you seek in the end when it's over with, it's a long way yet. A way you want to share. FUck there it is again. How about something else? The thing you jsut forgot of course. The thing that makes other people so uncaring. That is there own feelings that must mean everyone goes through it. what it is is still unknown. Fuck it, as you've said many a times before but this time it's true, you can't find it out you can't collect it prperly,m thoughts that is. And now I give up on it. Idle Insanity waits for the rest of the weekend, so sit here and wonder nothi0ng at all but about the dancing mushrooms. Yet you didn't give up. crap, so some more comes out? Unkown but the future will hold the answers you seek, though the question is so simple like the primal urges you don't feel so much of thanks to society, not that that's something to be thankful for. Nothing will make sense in the end and the only thing this will accomplish is the compelation of nothing that makes sense but that means so much to my life, as it is what it is. You quit smoking cigarettes, ever thought this feasible? Fuck no. still don't yet it is what it is, your growing your hair out, wear a hat of all things, and have a dresser full of clean clothes and a big crazy native about to cut your shit up. Not that I found any of this with a journey to the depths of your mind,. realize this, and realize what it has done, fucking questioning yourself to the brink of insanity once more for the sake of conversation with yourself. All of this in an hour and there is so much more, so many more words are needed to describe the truth of your reality that shouldn't be. Find what makes it that way and do wwhat is needed. Obviously unknown confusion when you think of what it is yet have no clue of the actual wording that is it. It being unknown, not that it hasn't been covered. It this time being not so much an insane concept. Your done. So just give up your fucking stupid and no one cares, and if they do, should they? Thanks for sure, but is it something that can be fixed by words? No, or else it would have been covered. So just go with it. Sounds alot happier that way, don't care, never care, because you do and you die for it, and will die for it if it continues, fuck it all I'll through.
And if your curious, I don;t actually feel suicidal I just don't... know. erm. oiy. Maybe I'm thinking too much and overlooking something.
-------------------- Life's a bitch make it yours.
Withdrawl dude. Psychological withdrawl. Get out of the house and away from this stupid-ass website. Your body and mind is going what the fuck..where the hell are my goodies. Seasonal depression Call your mommy and tell her you love and miss her. (or go say it to her face)
you've got to find some self asteam and realize you're human...
i think each of us has some fucked up way of his own to deal with society... the problame is most of us give up on it and just get by with our own lives...
you too have to find for your self what makes you "happy" or content
what it is that makes your time worth while...
i know what it means to question everything and everyone but it doesn't matter... nor does the reason for things...
what matters is what YOU make of it and fuck everyone alse!
you have got to trust your self to know what's good for you...
some things you do are just stuff that you picked up along the way becouse others said that they're good stuff and that's the way it should be... and you'll realize you totaly disagree with your self and changing is very hard but neccery
so just trust yr self a little more and take responsibilety for what you are and act on life rather then ask it questions... ACT and you will find an answer to each little thing... but sitting at home and asking yr self questions will only make THE question very clear but still unanswered...
and don't expect to change in a day... this is going to take you a long time... just be aware and accept that THIS is the situation right now and it will not change untill you change it...
(BTW how old are you?)
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Maybe it is withdrawl but I find that odd, as the only real reason I quit smoking pot is because I'm sick of buying and smoking shitty pot, and shrooms well they obviously aren't anything to do regularly anyways though I plan on picking some up when I get the oppurtunity.
I don't spend a whole lot of time here and don't really plan to. And indeed I tell my mom I love her everyday. Not the I miss you part though. 18 years of age 2 monthes ago. One more year of school at a school I really don't want to leave. Best damn school I ever heard of and I get to attend it.
I think alot of this is revolving around feelings I have for a girl I know fairly well, though it's such an awkward situation I want to slam my head in a door to forget about her because it seems impossible. As She is in a realationship of her own.
I thought I gave up on society, but things keep coming to me and I don't know why, don't want them to. I'm starting to led a much more active lifestyle, quit smoking ciggarettes about a month ago, I have told myself for no reason other than my health but I think it's probably also because of the girl. Which I probably shouldn't be doing. But it just seemed so easy with her around to not smoke, hell I was sitting there rolling up cigg's for others and not craving it a bit.
I'm not sure if this fully replied to both of ya cuz it's morning and I'm a bit distraut. But I do thank you both much. oiy anyways Ima go find out if there is something to be done today. Pouring rain with no vehicle to drive so getting out there is gonna be a bit difficult.